-Angry in Los Angeles

It's never pleasant to fight with family, unless of course you're fighting about something important, like who gets to be on top. Uh, the top bunk, I mean.

There's only one way to settle things with your brother, and I think you know what it is. You have to remember that as jerky and annoying as your brother gets sometimes, you and he are STILL family, and share the kind of loving bond that only siblings can. The kind of bond that can only be cemented with patience, understanding, compassion, and, of course, the nastiest, cheapest hooker the money in your piggybank can buy.

This isn't really the time or the place for me to go into the proper methods of selecting a good prostitute for your brother, but I have a quick list of suggestions you might find helpful.

1.) Take a bag of rancid garbage with you. Smell each hooker you consider, then smell the bag. If the bag smells substantially better, move on.

2.) Remember, "Hair on Pussy, Don't Be a Wussy / Sores on Rack, Put it Back"

3.) Chlamydia is NOT a tropical plant.

4.) Some Transvestites tape their penises between their legs, so when feeling for genital irregularites, use Bigby's patented Full Thigh Grope, starting at the front and snaking all the way to the back. Try your best to ignore any moans, twitches, or eruptions that may occur as a result of the FTG manuever.

5.) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your hos, but you can't pick your friend's hos. Well, okay, I just put that in there to sound cute, you CAN pick your friend's hos. Just don't pick a crabby one or anything.

Anyway, once you get him a lovely lady of the evening, your fights will stop and he'll mellow out. The only thing that'll be broken around your house is his headboard, and (depending on the quality of your selection) possibly his spine.

I have had a problem recently. I've tried to figure it out on my own, but it isn't working. What I need is some advice from you, because I don't know what else to do.

So anyway, here's my question.
Why is the sky blue?

-Some1else

Remember that girl you knew in high school that was always kind of slutty? You know, the one that would polish your doorknob on the first five minutes of a first date, who went out with that scruffy looking teacher guy, starred in a cornucopia of perverted bathroom limericks, always had sticky lips and hands, and seemed to glide around in a perpetual mist of sexual fluids, sweat, and cheap perfume? Well, that was me.

Now remember the bitch that was always trying to show her up? That was the sky, or as I called her then, "Frieda McFuckbag" (over 10 billion serviced!) Now, don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a little competition, but this chick was too much. She plowed her way into my turf, deprived me of key feedbagging opportunities, and generally made life a living hell. The crowning horror was when I lost my presidency of the school NABSVD (Nasty Ass Bitches Sharing Venereal Diseases) club! My previously untouched rating of TEN simultaneous STDs (my second closest rival, Millicent Fuckstick, had a mere four) was totally destroyed by this wanton bitch.

Of course, Fate smiled upon me, much as my furry gash smiles wide at the attentions of a lonely sailor, and Frieda paid for her antics. An unfortunate sexual encounter with (a very dischargy) Zeus left her with the kind of mammoth STD only an Olympian's cock can transmit. As a result, her genitals swelled to an enormous size, encompassing the Earth and turning a periwinkle blue as they did so. That little concept the uneducated like to call "The Sky" is only a lie, part of a vast, worldwide cover-up to blind you to the truth - that since birth, you've been staring the world's, possibly the universe's, largest pussy square in the face.

If something happens to me, get word out. THE WORLD MUST KNOW YOU ARE THE ONE YOU ARE THE GAAAAAAAAAACK

That's right. Genghis Kahn. That self-serving prick thought that just because he could conquer a few nations he had the right to dictate what color the sky was. He didn't like the silver sky because it clashed with all his clothing. Seriously, this cat was more vain than Milich Openheimer and Vincent d'Boule combined. The Chinese had just invented fireworks about that time, so he commanded his armies and his subjects to load up as many fireworks as they could with light blue paint and fire them into the sky simultaneously. This was a difficult effort, because the digital watch had not yet been invented. It actually took four tries and fifty seven heads-on-pikes later before they finally got it right. And that, my friend, is why the sky is blue.

*Evidence is not necessariliy documented nor real.

Help! I think I might be in love with my best friend's boyfriend! I set them up at a party two months ago, and it was love at first sight, but seeing how happy they are together, I keep thinking I'd be better for him. I really really have feelings for him, but I don't want to hurt my best friend! What do I do?!

-Heartbroken in Miami

I have just one thing to say to you, schweetheart: Menage a Trois. Well, okay, also threesome. And probably some German word that also means threesome. Or you could just tell the guy how you feel - while wrapping your legs around his head like a vice grip and telling him to wear you like a feedbag.

For example:
"Oh guy, I can't take my eyes or my lean yet strong legs off of you"
*SQUEEZE*
"Mmmph"
"Oh, I need you desperately."
"Mmphhggphh"
"So would you please, kindly....."
"MMMMPHHHHHHH! MMM! MPH! MM!"
"WEAR ME AS A FEEDBAG?"

This can, however, backfire. Contrary to what some pop science books may tell you, the human vagina, quiefery though it might be, is NOT a reliable alternative to an aqualung or snorkel. So make sure when you see the flesh of your hunky guy start turning blue, you give him a short breather from Feedbagland.

Hmm. Love triangles. I always -did- hate trigonometry... and trigonometric funtions where you want to relate the hypotenuse to the opposite when it's already joined with the adjacent are especially tricky.

Math aside, I'd leave well enough alone. Or, based on how you worded the problem, I'd leave "how happy they are together" alone. You set them up, probably because you cared for them both.. so enjoy the fact that you were the catalyst in their fireworks! Gloat!

It's easy to look at a happy relationship, and factor yourself into it after dividing the integral parts, but such an attempt is a prime opportunity for disaster to subtract both of them from your life. And you can never be sure that the formula would work the same way with such a drastic change in variables.

Permutate the possible outcome derived from this..

1) You added your best friend to a great guy, and their happiness is increasing exponentially. If you try to take apart their functional equation for "luv", you end up on one hand with a fatal error in the relationship with your friend, one that would probably transform your friendship into a far more complicated sequence. This factor is probably a constant.. unless your friend is very forgiving, the remainder of pain that such an act may cause could destroy your formula for companionship forever.

2) If the attempted division fails for whatever reason.. (forget to carry a one? I always do that..) ..you could gain the animosity of BOTH of them, and lose TWO friends, instead of one, or neither. It may hurt to watch them, it may make you jealous, it may even make you beat up inanimate objects… but in the long run, it's better for all parties involved to try and move on. Who knows? If you're meant to intersect with this guy.. your lives won't be parallel forever. Just don't force it.

Remember, the opposite and adjacent might always add up to be more than the hypotenuse, but trying to break the opposite angle puts you at risk of losing both of the other sides. And "nothing squared" + "nothing squared" = "a lonely hypotenuse". Or something. Did I mention that I nearly failed math?

Good luck! (*mutter* My brain hurts now..)

-Wondering in Wisconsin

Vegeta- Come on, you always knew the Saiyan prince was compensating for something, didn't you? Let's just say his Penile Power Level is well below 3", and for all his bragging about how fast he charges ki, he forgets this isn't always a good thing. About fifteen seconds in, he released a "spirit bomb" all over the ol' Ellyface, if you know what I mean. ELLY-O-METER RATING: 1

Zechs- He scores extra points for the mask, which sort of makes him look like a scary bird from Super Mario Brothers 2 (or, as it as known in my country, "Only the Sweet Sweet Succor of Juan Cerda's Bosom Can Shield You From the Skin-Flaying Wrath Of Slicer Dogma Brothers 2"). However, his costume is covered with all these annoying buttons that kept getting in my way until I tore them off with my teeth, causing an incisor to chip in the process. While I've had an odd few partners since that enjoyed the danger of a razor sharp toothfang near a sensitive area, I overall count this as a loss. Also, he wasn't very considerate of my needs, though his love talk was charming. "No machinegun for you, bitch!" he screamed, donkey punching me in the way only a mobile suit pilot can. ELLY-O-METER RATING: 3

While on a basis of raw numbers, it appears Zechs wins, let's not discount Berserk's Gatts, his ten foot sword, and his OTHER ten foot sword. I awoke screaming in pain and swimming in a vile mix of sexual fluids, but his giant blade and giant member had captured my heart- literally, he penetrated that far in! ELLY-O-METER RATING: 2342 (and 1/2 that might have just been caused by me wiggling around.)

The winner is --- GATTS!!!

Till next time! ^^

Relative size and strength: In this category, I would have to say that Vegeta would likely win out. First, he's much smaller than any of the mobile suits that Zechs piloted, and thus harder to hit with accuracy. Second, it is entirely possible that his strength may rival a mobile suit's. Given that, during the later episodes that I have witnessed, Vegeta trained in 100G, he would have to be quite strong. Assuming a weight of 160 lbs. (though this is likely a low figure) at 1G, Vegeta himself would be 16,000 lbs., or 8 tons--roughly the weight of a mobile suit. Though I would estimate that any mobile suit would have Vegeta beat in the endurance category, as robots take much longer to "tire" (usually overheats and general wear) than humans (or Saiyans, in this instance) do.

Second, speed: Be it land or air, Vegeta wins, hands down. Normal humans don't have troubles tracking a mobile suit, but they have trouble following Vegeta. This would make targeting Vegeta very difficult, and Vegeta would have the advantage of being quick enough to take advantage of the mobile suit's blind spots.

Third, weapons/fighting techniques: Guns vs. Chi. This is a rather difficult thing to analyze, being that the forces of Chi are not understood--nor even acknowledged--by science. We will analyze this by proxy. Mobile suit weaponry has been seen attacking standard aircraft. In this instance, the aircraft was destroyed. It has also been seen doing insignificant damage to mobile suits piloted by Zechs. Nappa's (Vegeta's inferior when they first arrived on Earth) energy has been seen to completely obliterate similar craft. Therefore, we must assume that Chi energy is at least equal to that of mobile suit weaponry. So it must do at least "insignificant" damage to any mobile suit that Zechs pilots. Enough "insignificant" hits can be enough to destroy. As for how the mobile suit weaponry will fare against Vegeta, that is unknown. Projectiles from man-portable weaponry has been seen to bounce off of peoples of similar "power levels" to Vegeta in Dragon Ball Z. I have not seen energy weapons other than Chi used in Dragon Ball Z.

The fighting techniques of the two are also very similar; both employ an "all-out" tactic. Neither would choose to use a "hit-and-run" strategy to wear down their opponent first, choosing instead to continuously battle.

Fourth, the environment: Vegeta has proven himself to be an excellent fighter in ground-based and aerial-based combat. His aquatic fighting skills are a little lacking, and his space combat skills are non-existent (he would simply die without air). Zechs has proven to be a moderate fighter on the ground, excellent in the air and water (if I remember correctly) as well as space. Given the capabilities of each combatant in these four areas, without considering the other three issues, Vegeta would win on the ground or in the air, Zechs would win in the water, and in space (by default).

Piecing together the puzzle: If the two combatants were to start at the same place and simply begin battle, if it was land or air, Vegeta would easily conquer Zechs. Should the battle take place underwater, Vegeta would have much greater difficulty, especially given his limited air supply. It would be possible for either fighter to win in an aquatic battle. If the battle were to occur in space, Vegeta would simply die out of lack of oxygen.

If the combatants were to begin from two different places and/or could travel anywhere they wish, instead of being locked into one particular environmental type, the only way I would see for Zechs to win would be to fly into space and blast Vegeta from there. But due to Vegeta's incredible speed, escape into space would be unlikely unless he started there. Also, Chi blasts have indeterminate range, so it is possible that Vegeta might be able to connect hits even from the ground.

The list of possible outcomes leads to the conclusion that in a battle between Zechs in any given mobile suit and Vegeta, the likely victor would be Vegeta.

The short of it: Vegeta.