Every Single RPG and RPG Crossover in Existence
By Black
Jeff Ka, Emperor Garados' second in command, stood in front of Garados giving the daily report.
"Sir! Our forces have been falling to all the kingdoms near by and we're running low on supplies and our weak castle is crumbling apart."
"Hmm. I have the perfect solution, General Ka. We will become villains! We will get an insanely big castle an overly large army! Not only that, but we will dominate the world in the process!"
"Let's do it!"
***
"Vicks! Wedge!" Barret screamed. "We be clubbin!"
"I'm sorry?" Vicks replied.
"The damned Shinra are suckin all the life from the planet!"
"They're not the Shinra. They're the Shinera, and they're not sucking the life out of the planet at all, but they're plundering from the poor villagers for no reason. And why did you say.... 'we be clubbin'?"
"Well our resistance group is the planet's last chance for freedom. Magus and I have formed a plan. He'll open up a portal that links to other worlds and bring back other RPG heroes to help fight Garados and Jeff."
Magus, a dark mage with a dark past and a dark personality and dark clothes began summong his dark magic. A blue portal opened up and Marle, Crono, Glenn, Cloud, Sephiroth, and Aeris came tumbling out.
"Awright. Now we got our gang--err, rebellion. All we need is a leader.. and that's ME!!"
"No, I think I should be the leader!" Crono and Cloud shouted simultaneously.
Everything instantly stopped. Those who were talking instantly fell silent. Those still wondering why they were here instantly stopped wondering. Cloud and Crono turned to face each other, each with a gaze colder than ice.
"So we meet again, Crono."
"Stife! I should've known it was you!"
"You should've known...it was...me...........okay, what are you talking about? Should've known what was me?"
"This time we finish it!" Crono shouted.
"Boys, boys!" Marle said, stepping in. "Look at yourselves! Yelling and screaming over who should be leader. I have a suggestion that is a little more rational if you'll listen."
"Please tell us.'' Crono asked.
"Name calling and insults won't get us a good leader... in order to decide who should be the leader... BATTLE TO THE DEATH!!"
"I'm not so sure if I like your idea." Crono said.
"What are you, Crono? ...chicken?!" Marle asked.
"No..it's just that.."
"Bawk! Bawk!"
"Then...we fight!" Crono said, drawling his sword.
Cloud had already drawled his sword. They began fighting. In this fight, Cloud proved size does matter by cutting the blade of Crono's katana clean off. Crono lay on the floor defenseless, and Cloud raised his sword for the final blow when...
....Magus, Frog, and Marle surrounded and gang beat him. Cloud was never heard from nor seen again.
"Looks like my superior fighting skills makes me leader." Crono said proudly. "Aeris, since Cloud is gone, I'm now your whoremaster."
"...Didn't Sephiroth kill me? And didn't Cloud kill Sephiroth? If so...why are we both here?"
"There will be time to explain that later." Crono said, unsure himself. "Meanwhile, we have to stop the ressurection of Lavos!!"
"Right! Let's go!"
"Hold up!" Barret shouted. "Crono can only take two other party members at a time."
"....Why?" Crono asked. "I don't see any logical reason why all of us can't go."
"We got to keep people behind to guard the base."
"What base? We're in the middle of a field with no equipment except our weapons and clothes. There's nothing to guard."
"Well..then..we have to keep people behind to BUILD a base!"
"Does anyone here have training in carpentry?"
"Well no..." Barret said, hanging his head in shame.
"Then let's go smash Garados!" Crono shouted.
Gasper stepped out from behind a tree. "I'm afraid the only way to reach him is an airship. I took the liberty to whip one up for you, so here ya go!"
"Wait!" said Bugenhagen, floating from behind a rock. "Crono needs the legendary sword of light. But in order to get that, he needs the magma rock, which can be acquired by traveling through Mt. Jraghhhs, and at the end of Mt. Jrjkal;sd; is a boss which can only be defeated with the legendary sword of light and.."
"Hey look! There's a treasure chest sitting in an odd place that has yet to be opened by travelers." Marle said.
They opened up the chest and there was the legendary sword of light. Everyone began bording the airship. Frog was the second to last to enter, when he turned to see Sephiroth climbing up behind him.
"Thee hath a niceth weaponeth."
"Yes, it's the Masamune." Sephiroth replied.
"I posseseth thine Masamune. Yours tis be a false swordeth!"
"Then we shall fight!" Sephiroth yelled.
They fought intensely, metal hitting metal. The other party members never seemed to notice they were fighting or missing. They never even started the air ship. It was as if time was frozen while the two fought. Despite the fact that Sephiroth could use powerful magic, turn into a giant monster, and summon a metoer which plows through planets.. he only used his sword for reasons unknown.
"What's going on down there?!" Crono shouted.
Both fighters turned to see who was shouting. As sephiroth turned at a 180 degrees angel, his obscenely long sword arced around and sliced Glenn's head off.
"Um..nothing!" Sephiroth called and quickly boarded the airship. Nobody ever mentioned Glenn again.
***
"Yes! We have successfully revived Lavos, he shall help us destroy the world!" Jeff shouted.
"Jeff you fool! I only want to rule it!"
"Shut up old man!" Jeff yelled and killed Garados.
"Good now I'm the Emperor and I control the massive army."
***
As the airship raced to Jeff Ka's tower, it took a longer time than if it was the player controlling the airship. But since this is an event in the story, the airship could fly forever and not reach Jeff Ka's tower until the scene ends. Anyway...
"I think Crono is dreamy and strong. I hope he protects me from Jeff Ka." Aeris said.
"You bitch! Crono is MINE!" Marle said jumping at Aeris and digging her finger nails into her face. Aeris grabbed a lock of Marle's hair and tugged viciously.
"Whore!" she shouted.
"Slut!" Marle shot back, and violently started scratching at her. They began scratching each other for a long time, until Marle finally got the common sense to use some magic and shot a block of ice at Aeris and killed her instantly (but she gets revived again in another fic, by another author...a million of them, actually).
***
The airship finally landed outside of Jeff Ka's tower. A loose brick in the tower fell out, and pulled several more with it.. like that game Jenga. The bricks toppled on top of Vicks and Wedge and they died. Gasper and Bugenhagen had dissappeared, so that left only Crono, Magus, Sephiroth, Marle, and Barret.
"Hold it!" Crono shouted. "What happened to Glenn and Aeris?"
A confused looked crossed everyone's faces.
"......Who?!" Barret asked.
"You know.. the humanoid frog and the ancient."
"Oh yeah...I remember them...vaguely." Marle said.
"Oh well.." Crono said taking a step into the castle.
"Hold it again!" Marle said. "There are two guys who are cold hearted and harbor dark pasts. I think you know what has to happen."
"Yeah yeah." Magus said and sent a blast of dark energy into Sephiroth. "Let's go."
As they walked through the dungeon, solving puzzles and fighting random enemies, Barret began feeling uncomfortable. He couldn't tell if it was because he was the only African-American in the group, or if it was because he was the only FF7 character. His thoughts were interupted by more thoughts. How hard was it for guards to move around in this place? With all the levers and switches and blocks...and what the hell was with all the treasure chests? None of the guards seemed to want them...oh well.
"Hey, look! I see Lavos!" Crono shouted.
"Raaaaagh!" He shouted.
Hours passed. The fight was harsh the chances of them beating Lavos were slim. But after a long grueling battle the team won.
"Bravo!" Jeff Ka, stepping from the shadows. "I would've helped Lavos fight you, but I had more important matters to attend to."
"What the hell is more important than wiping out a group that is trying to kill you, and will most likely succeed?"
"I had the porn channel showing up clearly. Things like that don't last for long."
"Oh." Crono said, nodding in respect.
"I understand. One time I had to pick Marlene up from a friend's house. Then I saw some male porn and-" Beads of sweat rapidly dripped down Barret's face. He had caught himself making a mistake, but it was too late.
"See this?!" Jeff Ka said gesturing to Barret. "All this time we're fighting over what's 'right' and what's 'wrong' when we both share a common enemy: Mr. T!"
"Um..I'm Barret." He replied backing up. He tripped over something and fell out of a window and plummeted down two thousand feet into a pile of jagged rocks.
"Anyway.." Crono said, drawling his sword. "Let's get this over with."
Jeff Ka killed them all on the spot. But being an RPG hero, Crono was able to start from the last place he saved and fight again. This time they killed him.
For no apparent reason, the castle began collapsing.
"This way!" Vicks shouted from the doorway.
Magus, Crono, and Marle ran quickly when they saw Wedge on the ground, his foot trapped under a slab of stone.
"Ugh..go on..without me..save your-" He looked up to see that Crono was already dashing down the stairs.
"Wedge!" Vicks said, right before the place started exploding for no reason.
***
"Looks like we did it again." Crono said.
"Yeah. The world is safe." Marle agreed.
"But..for how long?" Magus asked.