Crono Goes to College Part 3
By Cadet McNally
John Clark, Domingo "Ding" Chavez, Alistair Stanley, Julio "Oso" Vega, Rainbow, and anything from his books belong to Tom Clancy. God knows who owns Tang, and Robo, Lucca, Crono, and Marle are property of Squaresoft.
Rainbow collected their gear. "Okay, people. We've been up against terrorists, hunters, ex-military, and scientists. This is going to the easiest assignment we've ever done. Ding, you and me are going into the castle to take everyone out. The rest of you can go in through the back. Let's go, Ding." Clark and Chavez put on their body armor and collected their weapons. Everyone climbed into a truck and went over to Skippy's castle.
Skippy had been watching through his crystal ball. "Oh, God! They're coming!! EVERYONE IN HERE NOW!! " The other thirty residents of Skippy's place entered the room. "We are about to be attacked by crack commandos. I need to distribute the weapons." He gave everyone two potatoes and a potato gun. "Good luck... and good hunting." They all went to different areas of the castle, 15 outside the gates, 10 in the main chamber, and 5 hiding in the four corners of the room and the ceiling. Just then, the Rainbow truck pulled up.
Chavez and Clark got out. They were immediately struck by potato pieces. "Damn. These guys SUCK." They started shooting. Ding fired a round from his H&K MP-10 and struck one of them between and above the eyes. Clark pulled the pin on an M-61 fragmentation grenade and threw it at the other fourteen. It exploded and all of them got hit by flying shrapnel. Clark and Chavez continued into the castle to meet more potato pieces. Chavez pulls out his pistol and smiles. Skippy's men run in fear. The man on the ceiling looks down.
"Heh heh heh..." he prepares to drop down onto Chavez. Chavez looks up, grins, and shoots him in the groin. The man screams and falls onto the floor. Clark yells out the door.
"Clear!" Crono walks in and sees the man on the floor.
"Damn. Remind me never to anger you." Suddenly, Skippy bursts out laughing.
"My God!! This movie is HILARIOUS!!!" Crono runs in and finds Skippy watching a Pauly Shore movie. Crono nearly retches. Skippy looks up.
"So. It's the Hero of the Universe. Well, take THIS!!" Skippy throws an unrecognizable object at Crono. It hits him in the leg. Crono chuckles. Seeing the object, he recognizes it as a potato.
"Nice try, Skip." Skippy flies into a rage.
"Never call me Skip!"
"Fine, Skip. So... any other surprises for me?" Skippy snarls.
"How about $20 for letting me go past you?" Crono thinks for a second.
"Sure. Go out the door. Leave the castle and never return." Skippy grins and gives Crono a $20 bill.
"Gee, thanks, buddy! You're a real pal!" Skippy runs out the door. (BANG! Thud.) Crono walks out the door and sees Skippy lying on the floor, a puddle of blood pooling around his head.
"What did you do?"
"Nothing," said Clark. "He tripped over that chair and bloodied his nose."
"OOOWWW!!!!" screamed Skippy. Crono grabbed him by the arm and yanked him up.
"Come on, you (bleep). I'm going to (bleep) you with (bleep) in the (bleep) with a (bleep) because you (bleep)ed with the wrong (bleep)in' guy. You little (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)ity (bleep) (bleep)." Skippy looks at him.
"Ow." Suddenly, Fluffy, Giggles and Spankey leapt out of a corner holding shotguns. Giggles shot at Chavez. Chavez got hit in the chest. Surprised, he looked at his body armor, which had a large white mass on it.
"You idiot!!" screamed Skippy. "These are loaded with rock salt! Spankey, go get the buckshot!" Chavez pointed his gun at Spankey.
"I wouldn't if I were you." Vega walked in with his M-60. Seeing the standstill, Vega flipped off the safety and pointed the -60 at Spankey.
"Drop your gun and you can keep your head." Spankey blinked. His undersized brain was working overtime. Suddenly, a neuron made an audible pop.
"Hey!" cried Spankey. "I've been working for a maniacal loser for the past three chapters in a plot that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!! In the meantime, I've been consorting with two other nimrods who have the combined IQ of a jar of mayo! What was I thinking?!" The epiphany was wearing off, and Spankey was only scheduled one neuron-pop per fiscal year. "Insight... fading... must remember to invest in... 401K..." Suddenly, there were two other pops.
"Hey!" cried Giggles. "Spankey's right!"
"Yeah!" cried Fluffy. "We've been total idiots!! I've had 32 shares of Microsoft stock hidden away and I need to spend it before my epiphany wears off! Nah, I'll just hang on to it. With the rate it goes up, I'll be a multi... My toe hurts." Fluffy, Giggles, and Spankey dropped their guns, not so much a gesture of surrender as an inability to hold them any longer. The trio began to drool. One by one, they fall to the floor as thier brains overload. Ah, hell. This isn't going anywhere. Skippy dies. How? Uh . . . too much starch in his diet. All he ate was potatos. He was an alcoholic, too. And he smoked crack. Yeah, yeah. That's it. The trio of Fluffy, Giggles and Spankey went on a safari using their potato guns and were mauled by an irate tree. Crono, Marle and Lucca were expelled from college when it was discovered that they were using the Epoch to change their grades, but they were re-admitted when they used the Epoch to frame Fritz, who was put in solitary confinement until he died at the ripe old age of one dollar and eighty seven cents is your change. Thank you and have a nice day.
Crono - Himself
Marle - Herself
Lucca - Herself
Robo - Itself
John Clark - Himself
Ding Chavez - Himself
Alistair Stanley - Himself
Julio Vega - Himself
Skippy - Leslie Neilson
Spankey - Adam Sandler
Giggles - Jim Carrey
Fluffy - Jon Stewart
Harry - Myself
If you can read this, you don't need glasses!
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