Crono's Agent
By Captain Gaul
"Gaul!"
"Not now, Crono."
"I want a new agent."
"No."
"Well, I want to renegotiate my contract!"
"Not right now."
"I'm serious! Have you seen what the writers have been portraying me as?"
"I should, I'm your agent."
"Look at this. LOOK AT THIS!"
"The Next Generation? That's a good one."
"No, THIS edition."
"The MiSTed Generation? That was hilarious!"
"I'm cast as a drunkard, and my kid's a druggie!"
"Oh, it's all in good humor."
"Well, what about this? And this? AND THIS?"
"Something wrong?"
"They always marry me to Marle, except for THIS one, which plays like a soap opera!"
"Part of your contract. Live with it."
KA-THAM!
"Crono, kindly remove your sword from my desk."
"Why do they always have to revive Lavos?"
"Beg your pardon?"
"Always, always, always, my work is never done right. Lavos always escaped destruction because of some mistake I made. Even your stories."
"Not the popular fanfics. They have original plots."
"Two-hundred bad to one-hundred mediocre to sixty good is too poor a statistic for me."
"Look, do you think you're the only one with problems? I've gotten a dozen calls from Tifa asking why the writer's always have to revive Aeris."
"At least she was an ally. The writers have to revive my nemesis!"
"Listen, Crono, I'm real busy right now, I still have to finish this paperwork for Mr. Strife."
"Why can't I have a new agent?"
"Crono, listen to reason. How many lawyers are there on this planet?"
"One."
"How many carpenters?"
"One."
"How many professional adventurers?"
"Are you saying you're the only agent on this planet?"
"Right on. Now, if you'll excuse me...."
"I thought you said there was a review committee."
"There is."
"Then what's this piece of crap doing in the new update?"
"Piece of-hey, I wrote that!"
"And what others are you working on?"
"Hey! Get away from my computer!"
"You cast YOURSELF as the HERO in this one?!"
"Not exactly...."
(Pause)
"This, this is a pack of lies."
"It's mostly true."
"Right up to the second sentence."
(Pause)
"Point conceded."
(Pause)
"Do I get arrested in ALL of these?"
"No, not in that one."
(Pause)
"That's it. I want a new agent. I don't care which universe I have to go to, I can't handle being exploited by my own agent."
(Goes for door)
"Crono, before you go, I need to talk to you about something."
"Is it about a sequel?"
"Yes and no. Better have a seat, this is bad news."
"What?"
"They're....well...Squaresoft is screwing you over to Sony, and Playstation's got rights on any remakes or sequels-Crono? Are you all right? Crono?"
THUMP!
"Uh-oh."
"Crono? Crono? Damn. (pushes intercom button) Robo? Yes, could you come up here a minute? Crono's in a state of shock, and requires immediate attention-yeah, I'm ready for Miss Branford. Send her in."