A Typical Day on Guardia Patrol
By Captain Gaul
"Sir, the imps are rioting!"
"It's some kind of demonstration, sir...I really don't know what they're talking about."
"Let me take a look."
Out in the streets, ten thousand imps of every color shouted obscenities. Blue, green, mud, and airborne screamed for better standings in the ranks of mischief-causing monsters.
"I read the report on the union meeting...I thought it was a work of fiction."
"Are they rioting about what I think they're rioting about?"
"I'll find out. Sergeant Riley! Sergeant Johnson! Report!"
Sergeants Riley and Johnson, among the very few on Guardia Patrol who could interpret Impish, ran up to the plaza.
"Sir, we've tried talking to them. Their demands are, for the most part, indecipherable. And the one I understood was absurd."
"Well, sir, they demand protection from the locals. And beginner adventurers."
(Reading aloud) "We, the imps, demand protection from locals and beginner adventurers; furthermore, we demand restrictions placed on the hunting of wild imps for the purpose of acquiring EXP and GP."
"Let me read that."
"You can read this handwriting?"
"I have experience, sir."
"What's this? An E? A Q? Can't make it out..."
"You have to interpret, sir."
"Cripes, I don't have time for this."
The Captain motioned for his lieutenant.
"Lieutenant, how are the polls?"
"What do the people think of the Mystics?"
"They hate their guts, sir."
"Thank you, Ye. Dismissed. Riley, Johnson, come with me."
"We have some impish tail to kick."
The three men approached the crowd. In all their rioting, they had accomplished little, but now one of them broke out the torches and was starting to pass them around.
"All right, you peons! Guardia Patrol will make arrests and commit senseless acts of brutality if you do not clear the streets NOW!"
No reaction whatsoever from the crowd.
"All right, boys, let's take 'em."
"It's easy! Just pound on their heads 'til they vaporize! Watch!"
Captain Gaul jumped forward, nightstick ready, to beat on the head of a green imp. The sergeants watched in astonishment as the imp screeched, then vanished.
"Ha-ha! Beat 'em! Hear 'em scream and watch 'em vanish! This where the fun is in this line!"
Imp after imp met the fate of most mystics, screeching and vanishing. All was going well for Guardia Patrol when....
"Shoot! Roly Riders!"
"Riley! You killed Riley!"
"Johnson! Get back here! NOW!"
The imps finally found something to do, that is, torment Riley's crushed body.
"Johnson, this ain't working. We need backup."
"Sir, the rest of Guardia Patrol's at the fairgrounds. Some TelePod thing blew sky high, and they've got to quarantine the place while the scientists clean it up."
"TelePod...Johnson, you ever heard of a man named Taban?"
"Are you kidding? I've had to bust him three times for not renewing his Tinkerer's Permit."
"You know where he lives?"
"Get him here. Now!"
An hour passed, and the riot continued. The torches had been distributed now, and the imps were ready to start burning things. The Imp Aces had their mounts set up with speakers, to play the theme song.
Finally, Johnson returned with Taban.
"Taban, how would you like to have your Tinkerer's Permit renewed automatically and free of charge this time?"
"I'd like that very much, sir."
"Then bring me Gato. Disconnect the safeties."
"Begging your pardon, sir...."
"If that thing can put half my force to shame, it can whip a bunch of imps. Bring it now, or I'll see to it your license renewal is rejected."
Taban scurried from the plaza, heading for Gato's storage house.
"Captain, sir, what are you planning on?"
A smile crept across Captain Gaul's face.
"Watch and learn, sergeant."
The imps started setting fire to things. They hadn't done much rioting before, and weren't real good at it. They started by setting fire to one another, then realized that really wasn't getting anything accomplished. The garbage cans were a little better, though when they started with domestic animals they lost thirty of their number. The speakers were playing "Disco Inferno" continuously.
"Where the bloody hell did they learn that song?"
"Plot hole, sir. Logic lapse."
Suddenly Taban arrived.
"Well, where's Gato?"
"He's, uh, coming."
A deep thunder was turned on the horizon. Considering the skies were perfectly clear, this worried Captain Gaul.
"THEY CALL ME GATO, I'VE GOT A BIG GUN,
BLOW YOU UP, PUT YOU ON THE RUN!" "Oh my god!"
Imps may vanish when they die, but if wounded and not slain, they will bleed. The carnage was awful. Imp bodies flew everywhere, sometimes vanishing as they hit the ground, sometimes not for seconds later. Johnson had a mangled imp body fly straight into him, and it didn't die for at least thirty seconds, all of which the sergeant spent screaming in terror and disgust.
"THEY CALL ME GATO, MY REACTOR IS A NUKE,
THE CARNAGE THERE'S GONNA BE, GET READY TO PUKE!"
"Two questions, Taban!"
"One. Where did he learn that disgusting poetry?"
"My daughter's friend. He was in a bad mood."
"Two. How do you stop it?"
The captain hesitated a second.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"I said I can't stop it."
The captain showed remarkable patience.
"Because I disconnected all the safeties."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because you told me to."
"That's right. Tell me, what did you think I meant by that?"
"Er...disconnect the safeties that keep it from harming people at the fairgrounds?"
"Right. And what safeties did you disconnect?"
"All of them."
"And how do you imagine I feel about that?"
"Pretty peeved, I'd say."
The captain turned to his sergeant.
"He's catches on pretty fast, this one does."
He turned back to Taban.
"Do you have ANYTHING capable of destroying this thing?"
"My daughter's friend Crono."
"Crono...no, I've had to arrest him before. Anything else?"
"That time machine my daughter's been working on out back?"
"Sounds good. Fetch it up for me."
By now the imp riots weren't much of a concern; they were even more disorganized than usual, scattering about, trying to avoid the carnage of a combat robot gone psychotic.
Breathlessly, Taban rushed back.
"It isn't there. She took it out for a spin."
"Tell me there's a way of retrieving it."
"Well, it's a time machine. She always comes back with it about the same time she left."
A flash of light, and the Epoch soared through the sky towards them.
"Taban, tell me. Why is it losing altitude?"
The operator of Epoch knew that answer. Three Imp Aces had been sucked up the intake in their flight from Gato. Now Epoch was on an impact trajectory.
A flash. A bang. An incredible scattering of debris.
The familiar tune of Gato playing.
"I LOST, YOU WON,
The recording going off-line for the final time.
The captain pulls himself the debris.
Epoch lies a heap. Only one passenger is visible.
Is it? Yes.
"Crono, you are under arrest. I'll figure out the exact charges when my head clears. Come with me."
Crono didn't like the idea of being arrested. He unsheathed his sword.
"Don't start with me, young man!"
The captain snatched a Zonker-38 off Taban's unconscious body and stunned Crono.
"Now, then, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, which you seem to be exploiting to the fullest, you have the right to speak...."
Day of Incident: 11 August, 1000.
Description: Disturbance of peace by disgruntled imps. Some property damage.
Officers on duty:
Lieutenant Ye -Not present entire incident
Sergeant Johnson -Killed In Action
Sergeant Riley -Killed in Action
Crono-Previous criminal record includes running away with royalty and trespassing
on mayoral property.
Arrested on charges of assaulting officer, resisting arrest.
Illegalization of Impish unions.
Exoneration of Taban, including all fines pending for failure to renew Tinkerer's Permit.
5;000 GP to property owners
100;000 GP to Taban for use and destruction of combat robot
1,000,000,000 GP to Lucca for use and destruction of irreplaceable time machine
REPORT FILED BY: Captain Gaul
REPORT APPROVED: King Guardia
Captain Gaul's Fanfiction