By Ersatz Sobriquet
This stinks. Here I am, stuck with these fools who think that they can take on anybody instead of being at home, relaxing by the cool river. Boy, do I miss those days. Now, I'm stuck with these nuts.
"All right, you little babies," the gray imp yells at us. "Tonight we begin our first raid. Our prey is in the northern forest. So sharpen your weapons... we fight in 20 min.!"
Sharpen our weapons?! What weapons?!! These little knives are no match for... anything!! Who do they think that they are going to cut with these little dinky things, much less kill something!!! This is the dumbest thing I was ever pulled into. How did I get into this mess in the first place anyway? Oh yeah, I remember that day, too. I was just sitting next to my cool, relaxing pond, soaking up some sun when a human ran across my house with some other imps chasing him from behind. Seems like he stole some stuff from the other imps and they weren't to happy with that. Of course he got away, I don't know how imps who are two feet tall expect to catch someone who is twice there size. During his escape, he ended up killing two imps and injured three others. And since this was the fifth time a human, the same human too, who had 'committed such a great folly, we must destroy them', were the words that the great counsel recited. And I was enrolled as one of the human's practice dummy. The 'great' counsel gave us some weapons for us to practice with and 'trained' us to use them. 'Trained', right. Half of these morons never even seen a knife before.
The so called plan is to practice killing other things first, smaller things before we actually go out and kill a human. Once we killed our first pray, we would then go out and kill our first human. Once we did that, we would kill all of the humans and conquer the whole world... that was the plan. And the stupidest plan I had ever heard of in my whole life. We're not even told what it is our first prey is going to be. So how are we going to kill it?!!! Our unit is squad 3. There never was a squad "1" or "2", so I don't know why we are even called "3". Just another example of how stupid this whole thing is. I say that we just talk to the humans and establish some sort of trade with them since they want what we have so badly and in that way they would be able to keep this imp from losing his life in this silly little "game" that the head counsel is playing with us. But then again, this is silly little Rikne talking here, so what do I know...
It's late, dark, damp and I'm tired. I'd rather be at home resting on my soft fur bed instead of romping through the forest with these slap happy fools. And what are we looking for?... A prey that they won't even tell us what it is. Are we really suppose to kill whatever it is that we are suppose to kill with these little toy knives? Oh, how I hate this little trek. Our so called "squad 3" is housed up of five imps, including me all wielding the same weak weapons. A captain heads our unit, a gray imp that supposedly been in a lot of battles in his days. That's a lot of bull. The only thing that fat imp ever fought was trying to keep a chicken leg in his greasy little paws.
"Okay people," the gray imp bellows out. "Our target is just over that hill. Over the past couple of nights, he's been in our sights and was noted that this enemy is a very slippy foe. The foe has been in the same vicinity for the past two days, so tonight we attack! This is the perfect opportunity to hone in all of your fighting skills. A fierce, deadly, and a pure killer is what we're up against. Any questions from any of you little suckers?!"
One of the other imps speak up, "Yeah, I got a question. What did this creature ever do to us?"
"It continually raids our bushes and continues to steals our vital resources!" the gray imps bellows in a matter-of-factly voice.
We all just look at each other. What the freak is this nut talking about??!! We have vital resources in our bushes? This makes no sense. We don't even know each others name! For some strange reason, we're not suppose to even know each other according to the counsel, because we 'possibly might become to attached to each other and try to conspire a plan to overthrow the counsel of reason.' I ain't ever heard of such a big pile of crap like that before I heard that line.
We carefully slide through the forest, trying to avoid any kind of threat that might occur and stir up as little attention to ourselves as we possibly can. Finally, when we reached the location, the sarge yells 'attack' and we all just leap out into the clear and see a figure in the center of the field. Lurching forward, I can see the other guys impaling the poor victim with their jagged little knives. I was to be one of those five guys to kill the "beast", but I wasn't about to kill something I didn't even know what was. The imps undoubtedly feel power now. Looking at them stabbing that sad little "foe" is ridicules. Blood is spraying everywhere.
I guess the "foe" is dead. They're backing away. Boy, their clothes are stained. Let me see what they slaughtered. What the.. a RABBIT?? They killed a rabbit? This was our prey? It took four imps to kill a rabbit?!! "Okay fellas, ya did a great job! This was only our first test. Tomorrow we will be fighting an even bigger prey. Did you feel the blood racing through your body? Did you feel like you could take anything on? well, I hope you did, cause tomorrow will be one of the big ones. Tomorrow we'll be going after an even bigger enemy. I know you guys are ready for this. So just...
"Excuse me," I interupted. " Just what the heck do you think you are trying to pull here?"
"Excuse ME?" the sarge eyes grew wide. "Are you questioning my methods?"
"Yeah, I'm questioning your silly little methods! How the freak do you think we're going to 'hone' our fighting skills huntin' a little rabbit?"
"Yeah, since when were rabbits deadly killers?" another imp speaks up.
Walking up to the last imp who spoke, towering a couple of inches over him, he said very slowly "If you ever question my methods again, I will personally kill you."
"But I ain't question your methods," the imp said, shaking a little. "He did, remember?" he finished pointing to me.
The sergeant looked at me. He pointed at me, shook his finger and just said, "You just watch yourself."
It's the following day and we've been now marching for six hours trying to find some stupid humans. And it's dark again. It must be close to midnight. I doubt that we are ever going to find any around these parts especially since this is the northern most part away from Corneria castle. And espicially since it's late at NIGHT! Boy, I wish I was close to my river now. I can just feel the cool water running down the side of my face. The simple enjoyment I get from watching the water flow by... I don't think anyone could ever understand.
Suddenly, the sergeant tells us to get down. I guess he saw something that we didn't. But, we still do so even so. "Our target is over this clearing." the sergeant tells us. "The group is a little larger than we originally anticipated, but I think that we will be able to wipe these little punks out!"
"Um, just how 'little' is little, sergeant?" one of the imps ask.
"About four," he replies, almost saying it as if we should of known.
A blank look falls across our face and at least two of us look back at where we came from, wanting to go back. Really soon.
"Don't worry bout it, you fools. You can take them on." he 'reassures' us. "For god's sake, it's six of us! What, yall little babies think we can't win??"
Of course no one responds. "Good. Now let's kill these little fagots!" and with that, he burst through the bushes, with the other four following, and me at the end.
This four was a strange group. One was obviously a fighter of some sorts, dressed in thick, red armor, carrying a long sword. The other one was a guy who seemed like he studied, um, I think they call it "martial arts" or something. He had a blue shirt and brown pants. The other two were both dressed in robes, one wearing a black robe and the other wearing a white robe. They only barely glanced at us before they took out their weapons. Then, once all of their weapons were fully out and they were in their stance, I really knew that we didn't have any kind if chance against these guys.
One of our imps is now attacking, yelling a deafing war cry and with his weapon, is now attacking the guy with the blue shirt. But he misses and his foe quickly retaliates and strikes him with his nunchunks. Before the he could even get up, the fighter stabs him with his sword. And this is what we are ready for??
The sergeant charges right after the imp dies, as if it is his turn, and slices a huge wound in the side of the side of the fighter, and then in the face, causing the fighter to fall to the ground. All right, at least we connected. I guess the sergeant thinks that he can finish him off cause he's now running up to the fighter with his knife raised, ready for the final kill. Oh my god, lighting just struck him, and it's a clear night, not a cloud in the sky!! He's now on the ground, twitching still holding the knife in his hands with the lighting still running throughout his body. Humans have this kind of power??!!
The one in the white robe hands' is now glowing and is pointed to the downed fighter. He's getting up? What happened to his wounds?? What did he do, heal him??! We are definitely not ready for this. There are now only three of us and four of them. I know that the other imps are thinking about running away, because I sure am.
Good god, one of our imp, the one standing right next to me just burst up in flames. No, no, no, no I am out of here. And the other imp. He's, he's frozen! Oh no,I'm out of here. I gotta tell the last one what I am going to do. And since the sergeant can't stop me I can actually say what's on my mind. "Yo, we gotta get out of here," I yell, "Or they'll kill us, too."
He's laughing. Why is he laughing. "Maybe they'll kill you, but they won't get the satisfaction!" he says in his gravely voice. I guess that makes sense that he would say that. He seemed like the only one that was into this whole "Let's-wage-war-with-the-humans" thing. "Watch how easily I kill these little bastards," he says to me as he begins to run towards them. He's charging up with his knife and.... he ALSO misses. That's it, I give up. The fighter just tripped him and stuck his sword in his back. Hey, that's not fair fighting... like it really matters now.
Forget this, I'm leaving. Where to, I don't know. But I gotta get outta here, now. I know, I can go back to the counsel of reason and tell them what happened. Maybe tell them to call this crazy little shning-ding off. Yeah, that's it. Once they found out how powerfully humans really are, they'll have to see reason.
No. The town... It's burning! The fires' running rampant throughout the town. I can't do nothin', either. Who could it have bee..... urk! Sharp pain. My knife, it's gone... In my back. Someone... musta stuck me wit it. Can't stand. Gotta... sit. Can't control myself, gotta fall. Who, who did this? *Cough* Blood coming out of my mouth. Who, did this? Someone's going through my pockets. I gotta stop him. Who is it? It's that thief. He musta done this. Can't see right. No, he's... taking my money, and my talisman. No.. stop, I...
Oh, this is strange. It feels like I'm by my river. So cool. So tired. And there's no more pain. Oh, this feels good. I think I'll stay here and rest for awhile. So comfortable...
Ersatz Sobriquet's Fanfiction