Security Breach
By Fred Delles
Notes about this FF7 fanfiction:
This takes place, well, several months after Aeris’s/Aerith’s resurrection. Well, I’m not going to write a story on this event (there are tons of stories about it already), but let’s just say that it happened, along with her wedding with Cloud.
This is my first attempt at writing FF7 fanfiction, so don’t get angry with me if you hate it.
A cartoon inspired this piece of fan fiction; however, I don't remember the name of the cartoon or the episode.
To end the confusion between Aeris and Aerith, Aeris will be used.
Well, now for the story…
LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!!!
It all begins in Yuffie’s house, and she was watching a commercial on TV.
TV announcer: Pissed of at Aeris' death? This is it… Final Fantasy XVII! This time, EVERYBODY gets killed. (TV shows a bunch of scenes of law enforcers beating down on many different types of enemies, and so on…)
Yuffie: Cool!
(She looks in a box of Materia, and couldn’t find the "Steal as well" materia.)
Yuffie: Dammit! Left it with Cloud and Aeris as a wedding gift! Guess I gotta go and get some more!
(She walks outside, and goes to her father's pagoda, and finds… a 1968 MG Midget!)
Yuffie: Well, I don't know how the hell to drive, but why not? It's easy… with Cid being that moron on the Highwind!
(She takes the car out, and drives out smoothly. After a few blocks…)
Yuffie: Whoops… need my seat belt. (She tries to put on her belt.) Ack! Nausea… (She takes the belt off.) That's better. Seat belts are for morons anyway. (She turns on the radio.) Backstreet Boys! All right! (She turns the radio all the way up, and starts jamming in the car, not paying attention to the hazards around her..)
Suddenly, about a couple hundred yards away, a Shinra tractor-trailer door flings open, and a large Chocobo statue falls out, rolling toward Godo's car! (Yuffie, not paying attention to the road, crashes into it with a loud THUD! The MG Midget falls into little pieces.)
Yuffie: Wow… fat chocobo…
.
An hour later, Yuffie is with her father Godo.
Godo: It's lucky that you had the abilities of a master ninja, Yuffie! But my car didn't fare very well… This is gonna cost you, possibly out of your share of Materia!
Yuffie (almost crying): Are you gonna sell off some of my Materia? You can't do that! Please!?
Godo: Well… maybe we can't use your Materia to pay off the car. SO GET A GODDAMN JOB, YOU LITTLE DEADBEAT!!!!!!
Yuffie: No! Not that! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!!
.
(Yuffie is looking at some of the want ads.)
Yuffie: Hmmph. Damn work! Why work when I could steal from people? Rip them off?
"Want to donate your body to science and magic? Contact Hojo at the Shinra Science department at 555-HOJO."
Yuffie: That guy is sick, sick, sick!
"Wanted: Teachers for the Study of Planet Life at the Cosmo Canyon Academy of Planetary Studies. Must have a major in marine biology and Ancient/Cetra studies."
Yuffie: God! I hate studying!
"Want to spread happiness around the Planet? We need followers for the last remaining Ancient, Aeris! Earn mega gil selling her various, beautiful flowers around the world! Locations include Junon Airport and Rocket Town…"
Yuffie: Yeech! Honesty!
"Be one of the few… the proud… the Turks! Well, you can't, but you can come close by being a security guard! In over sixty floors of the Shinra Corporation! Walk tall! Chow down on donuts! Look important! Earn gil for practically doing nothing! No experience necessary!"
Yuffie: Hey… that sounds cool! I have many skills, and am experienced at doing nothing!
.
(She goes to Midgar, and enters the Shinra building. Yuffie felt that someone was sneaking behind her, but no one was there. At the desk, a guy named Floyd was taking applications.)
Yuffie: Hey, I wanna become a security guard!
Floyd (perusing through applications): Hmmm. Do you think that you can hack it, little girl?
Yuffie: I'm not a little girl! I'm Yuffie Kisaragi, the deadliest ninja babe that you've met! Anywho, what's there to do? AVALANCHE's disbanded and Shinra is switching to nuclear power for a change, so there's no protest. Eating donuts, watching Jerry Springer, and a bit of spying on top-secret info! It's all good!
Floyd: Well, you've got a hell of a lot to learn… Well, we need all of the help we can. You're hired!
(Yuffie runs outside to give her friends the good news…)
.
(In Cloud and Aeris's house…)
Cloud: You did WHAT!?
Yuffie: I'm now a Shinra security guard!
Aeris: I thought that you hated the Shinra…
Yuffie: Ironic, isn't it? I wrecked the 1968 MG Midget, and in order to keep my materia, I had to get a job.
Aeris: But why won't you work for me? With all these sad people around the planet, you could make a fortune cheering them up! I have!
Yuffie: Get a life! Because I want to show the whole Planet my skills! Maybe I can spar against the Turks or somethin'!
Cloud: Tell the truth! You DID donate your brain to Professor Hojo, didn't you?
Yuffie: Well, it seems that the two of you love each other SO much, you wouldn't listen to a poor little girl like me. So I'm leavin'! (She turned and left.)
Aeris: Bad analogy, but nothing can beat the power of love…
Cloud: Wait, didn't Huey Louis and the News sing that corny song? At least it isn't as bad as Cid playing around with the Dukes of Hazard videos all day…
.
(Yuffie returns home.)
Yuffie: Well, I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. So I'm going to sleep…
(Yuffie falls asleep, but not for long… Suddenly, the lights come on, and several strange beings in black cloaks surround her.)
Yuffie: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (In a panicky voice) Who… the hell… are you? You're not Sephiroth, are you?
Dark Knight 1: We are the thirteen…
(Yuffie stares at the thirteen black-cloaked soldiers.)
Dark Knight 2: That's seven, you idiot! You f^$%ed it up again!
Dark Knight 1: Sorry. (Six of the soldiers vanish.) We are the seven Knights of the Square Table! We search the Planet for dissenters and bring justice to all the land!
Yuffie: What's it got to do with me?
Dark Knight 2: You are gonna become a Shinra security guard? The best of the best of the best?
Yuffie: Well, yeah…
Dark Knight 3: So will you endeavor to concur with us in your predicament into becoming an elite?
Yuffie: Huh?
Dark Knight 3: A PROMISE, YOU BONEHEAD! Will you preserve the welfare of the city, protect the innocent, and uphold the law?
Yuffie: Yes!
Will you become one of the elite who will serve the Planet (without emulating an Ancient, of course!)
Yuffie: Yes! Yes! I will become the best of the entire Planet! (She thinks of the characters in Final Fantasy XVII) Yes! I will become the next Cloud Strife!
(Four of the knights bring in Yuffie's security garb.)
Dark Knight 1: Right on!
.
(Outside, 12:45 AM, Midgar Standard Time. Yuffie was walking to the Shinra building, and passed the newly renovated Sector 7 park.)
Yuffie: It's time to show the world what I'm made of! Any more Sephiroths entering the Shinra HQ and I'll kick their asses to next Tuesday! Bwahahaha! (She soon sees Cloud and Aeris sitting on a park bench kissing each other.)
.
Aeris: Cloud…. this night is just perfect…. Just you, me…..
Cloud (sees Yuffie):… and Yuffie.
(Aeris suddenly broke her concentration on her love with Cloud. Her surprise causes her to lose her balance and falls on the grass on her knees. Cloud also falls to the ground, and gets up.)
Aeris: What's Yuffie doing here? Trying to steal back that materia she gave us for our wedding?
(Yuffie walks toward the two.)
Yuffie: Hey, you two, it's quite late, isn't it? Are you plotting somethin'?
Cloud: Why the heck are you dressed like a Turk?
Yuffie: Shaddup! I'll give the questions here! Now the two of you, got any ID?
Cloud: Of course not. We're just here to relax and enjoy the cool air!
Yuffie: Yeah right. Tell it to the judge. (She writes a ticket for both Cloud and Aeris.) I'll come back when you can prove to me who you really are. (She leaves.)
Cloud: That goddamn Yuffie! ^$*#&$!! She really gets into my nerves! What do you think, Aeris? (He sees Aeris kneeling in a highly pensive mood.)
Aeris: The question is, child… Who are you?
.
Yuffie: Woo hoo! My first tickets! Now what's next for me?
(She sees Tifa walking along the sidewalk in new Wall market.)
Tifa: Yuffie! What are you doing here? (She runs across the street.) Let me guess… You're stealing that materia in Don Corneo's mansion, right?
Yuffie: Nope. And you're jaywalking. (She writes a ticket for Tifa, and gives her the ticket.) You're lucky they don't deploy the firing squad in Midgar anymore.
Tifa: What the hell! (She raises a fist to sock Yuffie square in the nose.)
Yuffie: Uh-uh-uh… that's police brutality. That you could just get hanging for.
Tifa: Damn you! Just what are you doing giving me a ticket, you little bitch!! (Yuffie walks off in a happy mood.) Answer me! And… what did you do with Yuffie?
.
(Yuffie was almost at the Shinra building… and meets Cid Highwind. Cid was smoking a couple of cigarettes.)
Yuffie: Say, what are you doing here?
Cid: I'm waiting for somebody. You may not know him, but he's giving the Highwind a tune-up. He said that he’d pick me up here after he gets the parts.
Yuffie: Ha! With those cigarettes, you're probably dealing drugs! That's right! You're just another crackhead tryin' to make, er, steal, a couple of bucks!
Cid: Wait a minute… That's you, Yuffie! YOU'RE the freakin' crackhead out to steal a buck!
Yuffie: No I'm not! I AM THE LAW, YOU STUPID MORON! You will respect my authority! (She draws out a nightstick.)
Cid: *$%)%! F%$&in' little punk-ass! (Yuffie kicks Cid in the groin region, and when Cid crouched from the blow, Yuffie clubs Cid in the head with the nightstick a couple of times, and he falls to the floor. Suddenly, the clock in the Shinra tower struck 1:00 AM.)
Yuffie: Well, it's 1:00 AM. You're lucky, punk. (Walks away.) And clean your mess. Cigarette smoking is illegal around here.
Cid: Come back here, you Materia stealin' freak! (Gets up.) If I ever see you again, I'll take that Enemy Lure materia and shove it down your one-track throat!
.
At the Shinra building…
Yuffie: Well, it's time. (She punches in, and enters a security room. No one is there.)
(About an hour later…)
Yuffie: This is boring. (She starts to play marbles with her spare Materia.)
(2:50 AM - Yuffie was creating a statue of herself with spare tacks and paper clips.)
Yuffie: Okay, it IS difficult to do nothing. Hell, I guess this building is devoid of criminal scum.
(The clock struck three.)
Yuffie: Woo hoo! Three o'clock patrol! (She leaves the security room and enters the Shinra lobby. She finds the doom bike Cloud once used to escape the Shinra building.)
(Yuffie rides the bike around the building, until she sees a light coming from some room!)
Yuffie: Aha! You're under arrest, scumball!
(Yuffie sees Palmer.)
Palmer: Hey-hey-hey! Just what are you? (From his shocked state, Palmer drops his box and something breaks.)
Yuffie: I'll ask the questions here, fat ass. What are you doing here? And what's in that box?
Palmer: These are, or used to be, Enemy skill materia.
Yuffie: Shinra's materia?
Palmer: Hey-hey! That's right! Shinra's materia! Or it used to be after YOU came along… After all, Reno told that he figured out how to get the "Chocobuckle" enemy skill, and needed me to get the materia!
Yuffie: Forget you. You're history! (She grabs Palmer and handcuffs him.)
Palmer (as Yuffie takes him to an exit): Of AVALANCHE, are you? Well, this is one of the worst performances of a Shinra guard I have ever seen! You are f^*$^#ing incompetent, bitch! I'll see to it that you are FIRED!
(Yuffie reaches the exit.)
Yuffie: Tell that to the judge! (She kicks Palmer out of the building, and he lands on the street.)
Palmer: I'll get you for this, you- (Before he could finish his sentence, a Shinra tractor-trailer hits him.)
Yuffie: This is FUN! No one will get in my way!
(Yuffie continues her patrol.)
Yuffie: NOTHING can stop me! I'm the great Yuffie Kisaragi!
(She sees a couple of people in business suits.)
Employees: Hello, Yuffie.
Yuffie: Don't get friendly with me! Let's see some ID!
Employees: We work here…(They fade away.)
Yuffie: Hey! Aren't you part of Sephiroth!?
(Yuffie rides until she meets… Sephiroth!)
Sephiroth: I've been looking for you, little Yuffie. You said something about challenging me last night.
Yuffie: Well… (Gulps) …yes. And how did you come back from the Lifestream?
Sephiroth: That's for you to find out… Super Nova! (He raises his hands as if to cast a summon spell.)
Yuffie: AAAAAAARGH! Get me out of here! (She runs off, taking many twists and turns, and reaching a dark room. No one is there…)
Yuffie: Phew… Sephiroth's not around. Well… here's the light switch. (She turns it on. She is in a café, with various stools, tables, and chairs. The place is empty…) Boy am I famished. I'd sell my soul for a feast and a couple beers or somethin'.
.
(Suddenly, she sees the same Floyd in the employment office when she got the job.)
Floyd: Well… what'll it be?
Yuffie: Huh? Floyd? How 'bout a midnight snack?
(A full dinner materialized in front of Yuffie.)
Yuffie: Wow! I haven't eaten like that since the banquet at Aeris's wedding! (She checks her pockets.) Unfortunately, I'm a little short on cash right now.
Floyd: Don't worry about that. Your credit's good here…
Yuffie: Whatever. (She picks up the beer.) Here's mud in your eye, Floyd!
(She eats and eventually finishes. From the beers, Yuffie felt a little woozy.)
Yuffie: Well, uh, back to work, I guess…
Floyd: But first, your bill, madam... (He hands the bell to Yuffie.)
Yuffie (looking at the bill): WHAT!!? (The bill read: 1 meal - 1 SOUL!!!)
Floyd: Pay up…
Yuffie: What in hell… Wait, I'm in hell! (She looks around, and sees many shadows around her, and the entire café burned a crimson color.) Who… are they?
Floyd: You don't know them? They are your friends, aren't they? Look closer…
(Yuffie takes a long, pensive look at the shadows. Two of them were sitting next to each other, and as Yuffie stares at them, they materialize into Cloud and Aeris.
Cloud: Exactly what the hell do you think you are doing? Bothering us for no apparent reason!
Aeris: Maybe being a security guard is a lot more than beating people up, Yuffie.
Yuffie: Well, I’m sorry, guys…
(Yuffie turns to another shadow, and it materialized into Tifa.)
Tifa: Stupid bitch! Just what do you think you’re doing, giving me a lousy ticket for jaywalking? I ought to slap the sh$% out of you for this!
Yuffie: But isn’t that what a security guard is supposed to do?
(Yuffie sees another shadow turn into Cid.)
Cid: Man, I’m gonna rip your intestines out of you and beat you to death with them! You come along and beat me up, and now, it hurts when I pee! You won’t live to become eighteen…
Yuffie: But clobbering people is what the Shinra and the Turks do!
(All of the people turn into shadows and start to encircle Yuffie. Suddenly, Sephiroth comes and draws his Masamune sword.)
Sephiroth: You will go to hell for this… (He raises his blade…)
Yuffie: AAAAAAAAARGH! I’m outta here! I don’t wanna become a security guard! (She crashes through a window and keeps screaming outside. She passes two cops on night patrol)
Cop 1 (Turns on CB radio): We have a 1696 here… Materia ninja going berserk in Sector 7…
(He turns on the police lights and chases Yuffie with the car.)
.
(In jail…)
Yuffie (crying): This sucks! I feel so cold and lonely… (She sees Cloud and Aeris come in.) Cloud! Aeris! Tryin’ to break me out? (Cid and Tifa also come in.)
Cid: And just what the hell happened, Mrs. Authority?
Yuffie: Well, I met the seven Knights of the Square Table, and… never mind. Just that something made me all big inside, that’s all. Maybe my hat was on too tight.
Cloud: It DID make you big. That security garb made you a big jerk!
Yuffie: Well… I’m sorry, guys.
Tifa: Apology accepted… if you let me SOCK YOU IN THE NOSE AND BEAT THE $#%^ OUT OF YOU!!! (She goes crazy and tries to grab Yuffie’s throat. Cloud and Aeris try to hold her off.)
Aeris: You can’t kill her! No matter how guilty she is, violence won’t atone her sins! (She sees Cid charge toward Yuffie.)
Cid: Me too! I’ll get my Venus Gospel in the car! How ‘bout a Big Brawl Limit Break!?
Tifa: Yeah. Beat Rush!!! (Aeris holds back Tifa’s arms.)
Cloud: No! Guys, get your things. I’ll go get the guard to spring Yuffie.
Cid and Tifa: Great idea.
Yuffie: Hey, thanks, Cloud! You know, I have a favor to ask you. (She sees Cloud talk with the guard.) Can you loan me the money to pay off the car? Or return my materia from that wedding? (Cloud acts to overhear.)
.
Cloud (to the guard): Never mind that, officer. Let her stay in there for a while. Uhh… to protect her, that is.
Aeris (laughing): You’re lying, Cloud. Anyway, let’s go back.
Cid and Tifa: DAMMIT!
Cid: I still want to kick her ass no matter how long it will take!
(Nanaki, a.k.a. Red XIII, sees the foursome.)
Nanaki: Now I’ve heard the whole thing. Why couldn’t she be intelligent for once, majoring in marine biology and Cetra studies? It would beat being a security guard, and she could get all the free materia she could get. (You do remember the sleeping Materia seller in Cosmo Canyon, don’t you? B-) )
.
(Yuffie was surprised that no one came to let her out.)
Yuffie: Guys… Guys??? Hey! I’m joking! Hey, lemme out of here! GUYS!?!?!?!? Ohhhh man………….
THE END!!!