The MSTing of an Ending
By Froborr d'Wiggy
[Frog enters Magus’ Castle, climbs to top, and draws Masamune while
Magus laughs at him.]
FROG: Now, thou shalt die, punk of darkness!
MAGUS: Having a bit of a problem with anachronisms again, green boy?
[They begin to fight, and soon are both badly cut up and bleeding.]
FROG: Arrggghhh… I …must…go…on…
MAGUS: Must….kill…Kermit…
ROBO: Heal Beam!
FROG&MAGUS: Huh!? What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be
in 2300!
ROBO: Yahh, but I got bored. Atropos isn’t as interesting, now that
she isn’t evil anymore. So I decided to come learn about emotions.
FROG: Ahh, so thou didst cometh to gain comprehension of my undying hatred
of all things Magus-y!
MAGUS: MAGUS-Y!?!? You really are nuts!
ROBO: Actually, I came to learn about humor.
FROG: Humor? You came to US for… HUMOR!?
MAGUS: Hey, makes sense. What’s funnier than Kermit with a sword? Except
maybe Kermit in a blender…
FROG: Well, okay, if thou dost want to learneth about humor, than we’ll
just have to MiST something for thee. Luckily, I just happen to have mine
copy of FFT with me. Magus, if we may make use of thy Pl*ySt*tion…
MAGUS: Of course, what evil dungeon would be complete WITHOUT S*ny
products…
[Random numbers]
Graveyard of Airships
MAGUS: It’s all Cid’s fault! He killed it!
ROBO: Shouldn’t this be Graveyard of Airship? There is only one…
FROG: Aye, but yonder translators couldn’t even handle MINE speech…
how canst they be expectedeth to translate past the evil influences of thine
hath random-archaic-word S*ny?
Vormav: …Why? Why doesn’t Virgo work? The Holy Angel’s spirit is around in here… Why..?
FROG[Vormav]: SOMEWHERE… Maybe Cid took it when he killed the Airship…
MAGUS: Virgo doesn’t work because you’re a CAPRICORN, you dolt!
Anyway, isn’t Virgo the symbol of the virgin? Maybe there’s something
about Alma we didn’t know…
FROG: Yeah, what was WITH her and Teta anyway…
MAGUS: Either you’re even more thickheaded than I thought, or you have
a VERY sick mind, Kermit.
Vormav: Maybe it’s Ajora reincarnated…
MAGUS: Ajora reincarnated! Just as evil as original Ajora, but with HALF
the fat!
ROBO: Does Vormav also believe in the Easter Bunny?
FROG: Hey, you’re catching on!
ROBO: Hey, that wasn’t archaic!
Vormav: No, that can’t be! Certainly, Virgo did react.
FROG: Drat, I guess that means a NO on the Teta connection…
MAGUS: Jim Henson is turning over in his grave, man…
Vormav: …You’re here.
Ramza: That’s far enough, Vormav!
ROBO[Ramza]: One step closer, and I blow us all sky-high!
Ramza: Virgo’s not working, so give up and hand over Alma!
FROG: Hmm… now THERE’S an interesting thought…
MAGUS[casts Ice 2 on Frog]: You need to cool down, Kermit!
FROG: YAHHH!! That’s it, I’m MAD! ::Begins casting Summons::
Vormav: No, it will work… It just needs more…
ROBO[Vormav]: Men! I need more men…
MAGUS[Darth Vader/Ramza]: You can tell that to the Emperor when he arrives…
Vormav: You didn’t here? It just needs blood… lots of blood is needed for the Angel’s ressurrection…
MAGUS: Do the voices say things like this to you often?
FROG: Gee, an ultimate evil that needs blood sacrifices. Never would have
guessed THAT!
ROBO: Now, if it needed BATTERIES… THAT would have been creative…
Vormav: Much bloodshed since Ajora’s death, but I guess it wasn’t enough… I guess I’ll have to go on another rampage..!!
FROG: And rob every candy store in town!
MAGUS: You know, logic isn’t exactly this guy’s strong point, is
it?
Vormav: Heh heh heh, don’t worry…
FROG[singing]: Don’t worry, be happy!
MAGUS: Oh, I WON’T worry… I have Orlandu and May the Wizard
Calculator… heheheheh…
ROBO: Have any of you ever noticed how much Orlandu looks like Ben Kenobi?
Vormav: I’ll ‘sacrifice’ you first.
MAGUS: To ‘the’ Dark ‘God’ ‘of’ pointless quotation ‘marks’!
[Vormav morphs into Hasmalum]
FROG[singing]: If Iiiiiii…… were King of the
Forrrrrressssssssttttttttt…
MAGUS: Wow, now THAT’S evil… the Cowardly Lion in a dress!
FROG: And with pigtails, no less.
ROBO: RUN!!! It’s the Demon Hamentashen!
MAGUS: Huh!? Hama-what-en?
ROBO: It’s a cookie.
Hashmalum: Master ‘Bloody Angel’…Let me offer you ‘blood’ darker than wine and hotter than burning lava
MAGUS: Faster than a speeding bullet, hotter than burning lava, and darker
than wine!
FROG: It’s SUPER’BLOOD’! Dark Lord of the Pointless
Punctuation…!?…*” .
ROBO: Okay, in this corner we have the cowardly Lion, and Alma the Unconscious
Super-Powerful Chick. And in THAT corner we have Ramza the Double-Sworded
Knight, Spike the Chemist of Doom, May the Wizard Calculator, Morris the
Summoner Time Mage, and Orlandu the Jedi Master!
[Orlandu moves down and Lightning Stabs Hashmalum. Hashmalum moves up and begins casting Meteor on Morris]
FROG: You know, that little ability would have REALLY changed The Wizard of Oz…
[May casts CT Prime Number Holy on Hashmalum, then moves out of range of Meteor]
MAGUS: Now THAT takes dodging skill…
ROBO: Holy Holy, Batman!
FROG: You know, right up until this moment, I thought you’d figured
humor out.
[Spike moves out of Meteor blast area, and shoots Hasmalum]
ROBO: I’m STILL impressed that he managed to learn everything it takes
to be a Priest without ever actually taking the Job!
MAGUS: Hey, you can learn a lot just by watching… ::Casts Luminaire
on Frog::
FROG: [Continues Summons]
[Morris begins casting Meteor on Hasmalum]
FROG: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a giant space-going chunk of floating rock for a giant space-going chunk of floating rock!
Ramza: Alma, hold on! Please! Open your eyes!!
FROG[singing]: And let the sun shine in…
Ramza: Alma!
Hashmalum: It’s no use… You cannot wake her…
Ramza: What have you done to Alma!?
MAGUS: We have put… her to sleep… by boring her with ellipses…
Hashmalum: Her existence impedes our goal…
FROG: In plain English, she got in the way.
MAGUS: YOU’RE one to talk about plain English, Kermie!
FROG: [continiues Summoning…]
Hashmalum: When she wakes, she will remember her mission…
ROBO: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to DESTROY ALL EXTRANEOUS
PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAGUS: This joke will self-destruct in thirty seconds.
Hashmalum: Her important mission, to call our allies…
ROBO: To the BatPhone!
MAGUS: Wait, I thought she was an IMPEDIMENT!! Why’s she helping you!?
[Ramza hits Hashmalum with “Save the Queen” and “Rune Blade”, killing him.]
FROG: Hey, this time we killed the bad guy BEFORE he summoned Meteor!
MAGUS: Yeah, now THAT felt good.
Hashmalum: Master… you are not awake yet?
[Zodiac Stone bings, and Alma sits up]
MAGUS: Buy Zodiac Stone alarm clocks! Loud enough to wake the dead and damned!
Alma: Ugh… Wh… Where am I?
MAGUS: Well, that was creative. More scintillating dialogue here…
Ramza: Alma!!
Alma: Brother… Ramza?
FROG: Romantic music plays, and they fall into each other’s arms. The
End. Great.
MAGUS: Frog, they’re BROTHER AND SISTER!!!
FROG: Yeah, well so are you and Schala!
MAGUS: Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?
ROBO: Shh… we’ll miss the funny bits!
Hashmalum: I won’t let you interfere!
MAGUS: And I won’t let your existence impede our goals, either!
Hashmalum: Bloody Angel!! I offer my own life… for your resurrection…!!
FROG: Run! Rampant ellipses and exclamation points!
ROBO: At least there weren’t any quotes this time…
[Hashmalum impales self on claws and explodes]
MAGUS: Kids, that’s why you should NEVER eat antimatter pellets before a major battle…
[Alma screams, turns into St Ajora]
FROG: Hey, Alma turned old all of a sudden…
ROBO: Didn’t I see this once on Star Trek?
St Ajora: I have my body back…
MAGUS: And so can you, at Cid’s Airship Graveyard Gym and Health Spa Resort!!
Ramza: Alma!!
FFT: Congratulations: This battle is complete. War Trophies: Ragnarok
FROG: The death of the gods and end of the world? They call THAT a trophy!? Okay, just hold on while I replace the Rune Sword with the Ragnarok, and we’ll get to it.
[Battle ensues…]
[Ajora glows…]
St Ajora: Ugh… what… What is this?
[Glows again]
ROBO: See? It’s the low battery warning light! Told ya blood wouldn’t do any good…
St Ajora: Ugh…Ugh… He… help, brother…
Ramza: Alma!!
MAGUS: No, you fool! It’s Dycedarg!
St Ajora: Brother Ramza… Stop… Don’t interfere… Do… not… inter…fere…Do…not…inter…!!
MAGUS: Bad memories of Zeromus’ death arise…
FROG: Naw, it’s just a broken record.
MAGUS: What’s a … record?
ROBO: Like a CD, but big and black.
MAGUS: Oh, okay, I get it. Just another anachronism from Kermie.
[Glowing Blue Light transfers Alma to other end of screen]
ROBO: Beam me up, Scotty!
Ramza: Alma, are you okay?
Alma: Brother… I’m…alright…
MAGUS[Alma}: I…just have… Zeromus syn…drome…
Alma: We have to kill… Ajora… hurry…
FROG: Before the ellipses conquer all!!
St Ajora: Are you… trying to stop my…ressurection…
MAGUS[Ramza]: Nope, just dropped in for tea.
Ajora: I won’t… let you… Come out… my servants…
[Four demons appear]
MAGUS: WOW! Generic Cheese Demons!
FROG: No, those were brown. These are PURPLE! SO they must be…
ROBO: GENERIC CHEESE PLUS DEMONS!!!
Ajora: I will not let anyone prevent my ressurrection…!
[Massive pyrotechnincs blow masts off Airship, while Ajora turns into Altima]
MAGUS: Man, Cid is going to be PISSED when he hears about this…
Altima: Prepare yourselves… powerless ones!
ROBO: Altima… just like Ultima, but with new mis-spelling feature!
MAGUS: It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
FROG: Hey, isn’t Orlandu really Cid?
[Orlandu moves up and Holy Explosions Altima]
MAGUS: Yep, and he’s pissed, alright.
ROBO: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
FROG: I think so, Robo. But isn’t Ovelia already married?
ROBO: No, I meant Cid the Jedi Knight!
FROG: She’s married to HIM!?
[May Height Prime Number Holies Altima. Spike shoots Altima. Morris begins Haste 2-ing self, May, and Spike. Alma begins Mbarrier-ing self]
FROG: Hey, she STILL has the equipment I gave her way back when… and
the Equip Axe ability…
MAGUS: Hey, and she’s carrying an axe!
ROBO: Man, that was some finishing school she and Ovelia went to: And in
between Etiquette and Chocoback Riding, we taught the girls how to make each
other invincible with Mbarrier!
FROG: And how to eviscerate people with an axe!
[Ramza walks up to Altima, hits with both swords, killing her.]
Altima: No… This can’t be… You’re the descendant of the
one who killed me before… No… I won’t be beaten… I will
not be beaten…
MAGUS: Guess what, you’re being beaten!
FROG: I do believe that that was generic villain line number 242! Magus,
can you confirm this?
MAGUS: I will…kill you!!
Altima Mark Two [With accompanying pyrotechnics]: I will… kill you!!]
FROG: I rest my case.
ROBO: Hey, where’d the demons go?
MAGUS: Maybe she ate them for the blood?
ROBO: Or maybe… they went to get batteries!
FROG: Uh uh… I think Robo has discovered the “Running Gag”
[Alma Mbarriers self. Orlandu Holy Explosions Altima, gaining a level.]
MAGUS: Gee, that’s going to be useful…
[May discovers there’s no way to Holy Altima without hitting Alma. Gives up in disgust. Morris casts Haste 2. Spike Elixers Alma. Morris summons Bahamut on Altima]
MAGUS: Yeah, right. Like THAT’S ever going to happen…
[May Holies Altima. Orlandu Holy Explosions Altima]
ROBO: DO we see a pattern here…?
[Ramza moves behind Altima, hits with both swords]
FROG: Now, was that fair?
[Altima moves to random corner and begins Dispelling Alma. Alma casts Mbarrier on Ramza. Spike shoots Altima.]
MAGUS: Boy, this Spike character sure has a lot of imagination, doesn’t
he?
FROG: Yeah, if he mastered Priest, how come he’s not casting Holy, too?
ROBO: Holy 2!! There’s a Holy 2!! Wait, no… I get it now. That’s
a good question.
MAGUS: Hey, don’t look at me, I’m not playing.
ROBO: Wait… who is playin!?
FROG: Well, I’m not… and you’re not… and Magus
isn’t… so…. Uh-oh….
[May Holies Altima and Orlandu]
MAGUS: You know, that girl REALLY needs to work on aim…
FROG: Hey, he’s healed by it, so who cares?
[Orlandu Holy Explosions Altima, killing it]
Altima: More… power…
ROBO: SEE!! I KNEW they should have gone with Energizer Batteries. They outlast
blood every time!
MAGUS: So, at last Altima’s TRUE identity is revealed… it’s
Tim Allen! Lord of the Excessive Punctuation!
[Altima explodes, destroying Airship]
ROBO[Cid]: Alright, now I’m REALLY MAD!!!
FFT: Congratulations! This game is complete!!
MAGUS: That’s *sniff* so… inutterably… LAME!!
Priest: With the father’s blessing you shall return to Earth. Guide
Alma Beoulve’s soul to Heaven with St Ajora’s divine protection…
Farlem…
Mourners: Farlem.
MAGUS[Altima]: Why, CERTAINLY I’ll protect you, ally of those who killed
me!
ROBO: The Church of Ivalice are pretty stupid guys, aren’t they?
FROG: Farlem, brother…
[Mourners start leaving]
Mourner: What a pity. She was so young.
MAGUS: And she could wield an axe like nobody’s business!
Mourner: All the siblings gone…
FROG[singing]: Where have all the siblings gone, long time passing… Where have all the siblings gone… far far away…
[Priest and all but two Mourners leave]
Mourner: The youngest, Ramza, won’t even be buried. Sad…
MAGUS: 1, he’s not dead. Two, you saw that explosion. What’s left to bury?
Mourner: Beoulve’s 300 year history is over now…
FROG: Which is why this entire game is from the point of view of a historian studying the Beoulves…
[Last Mourners leave, just before they’re off the screen, Olan and the Strange Mage enter]
FROG: Hey, is that Froborr!?
ROBO: Naw, some girl. Pretty strange, though.
MAGUS: Yeah, look at that hair.
FROG: Hey, you’re one to talk.
MAGUS: At least I HAVE hair… you two freaks are bald as a pair of lemons!
Olan: I’m sorry I’m late… Alma, Ramza. I wanted to come earlier, but it was too dangerous… Too risky…
FROG: Right. Have to keep a low profile.
MAGUS[Olan]: Which is why I cam in BEFORE everybody left.
[Strange Mage puts flowers on grave]
Olan: Delita married Ovelia. A commoner brings peace to a chaotic kingdom,
marries the Princess, becoming King.
MAGUS: Hey, why’s he describing Cecil all of a sudden?
Olan: A legend that will be passed down for centuries.
FROG: Wowee, taking that long to pass something? That guy should eat some
prunes…
MAGUS:[attacking Frog]
FROG: [continues Summoning]
Olan: Delita may be a good person as you said…
ROBO[Olan]: But I wouldn’t bet on it.
Olan: He made it look like he killed her, then let her go when her identity was clear. I guess he identified with her, having been used by Vormav…
MAGUS: But mostly, it’s just because she was rich, powerful, and a fox.
FROG: And wielded an axe!!
ROBO: A fox? How can you tell? Besides, people without noses look weird…
FROG: HEY!!!
[Strange Mage points offscreen]
ROBO: The planes!! The planes!!
[Olan nods, and Strange Mage walks off]
MAGUS[Olan]: Right, that was your cue to make sure that no-one believes me…
Olan: Did my father die heroically?
ROBO: Yes, actually. He sacrificed himself in order that Luke might gain
the knowledge he needed…
FROG: Umm… wrong old guy in brown robes…
MAGUS: I’m not sure… how many Jedi Masters look like Alec Guinness?
Huh?
Olan: I’ll come back again. Bye… [starts to leave, turns back] Are you really dead?
FROG: No, just MOSTLY dead!
ROBO: And there’s a big difference between all dead, and mostly dead!
MAGUS: I’m not dead yet!
FROG: Bring out your dead!
Olan: I still can’t believe
FROG: That it’s not butter!!
Olan: you’re really dead… I mean… you know…
[Alma and Ramza begin riding past on Chocobos.]
Olan: !!
FROG: Wow! No vowels OR consonants! I wish I could talk like that…
MAGUS: Well, now you can, with the Victor Borge Home Punctuation Pronunciation
Kit!! Just listen to this student!
ROBO: …!!
[Ramza and Alma ride off]
Olan: Wait! Ramza! Alma!
MAGUS[Olan]: You forgot your coffin!
ROBO: American Express Traveler’s Coffins! Don’t leave home without
it!
[Strange Mage returns]
Olan: …He’s alive! Alive!!
MAGUS[Frankenstein]: It’s alive!! Alive!!!
Olan: Thank you, Ramza.
FROG[Strange Mage]: Don’t worry, Olan. I saw him to, we all did…
and the men in white coats will be VERY nice to you…
MAGUS: Well, now there’s nothing but the story of Olan, who nobody cares
about, and the credits.
ROBO: So we’ll tell you the REAL story, of what happened to everyone
else.
FROG: Right. First, there’s Boco. He reunited with Coco, and the two
of them led a happy life being sat on by Ramza and Alma.
MAGUS: Who eventually ran into Butz, Faris, Lenna, and Cara!
ROBO: Cloud decided to hell with Sephiroth, and joined the church. Years
later, he set fire to Olan, for portraying him as a “spiky-haired
freak”.
MAGUS: Mustadio started a fine Italian restaurant. Unfotunately, the Church
declared spaghetti to be a form of heresy, and burned the restaurant at the
steak.
ROBO: Mustadio escaped using the “Forwarding Device”, and ended
up in the FFVII world. Where he joined the Turks under the assumed name of
Vincent Valentine.
FROG: Agrias, deciding that evanescance wasn’t really such a sad word
after all, made a fortune off of Evanescent-Os, a popular breakfast cereal.
Later, she got bored, and went through the “Forwarding Device”
to Michigan. She changed her name to Ellcrys, and her hair color to a sort
of brownish.
ROBO: Beowulf went back to his duties as a Temple Knight, defending the honor
of upper faces everywhere. While Reis, pissed at him for turning her from
a really cool purple dragon to some dorky “Dragoner” turned on
him, stole all his money, and ran off to become a gospel singer.
MAGUS: Orlandu was killed by Darth Vader. ‘Nuff said.
FROG: Now, the Generic Party Members. Spike the Chemist of Doom used the
Forwarding Device to seek out the other members of the far-flung Generic
family, namely the Generic Light Warriors from FF1, and Bobby Generic from
Bobby’s World.
MAGUS: Morris the Time Summoner went on to found the famous Time Mage School
of Fashion Design, where he taught everyone to summon those neat pointy hats.
FROG: May the Wizard Calculator was knocked back in time by the blast, due
to the Haste spell on her. She ended up as a great hero to Goltana’s
forces, when, while serving under Larg, she made a slight miscalculation
and ended up destroying half his army with rampant Holies. Hey, the summons
is done!
MISS PIGGY: Kermie!! Wait, you’re not my Kermie! Where’s my Kermie!!
FROG: [points at Magus] He took him!
MISS PIGGY: Hey-YA!! [Kicks Magus, then goes back to playing the game, which
she was doing all along]
King Delita: Here you are… everyone’s been looking for you. [Dismounts, walks up to Ovelia the Axe-Wielding Princess. Draws flowers]
FROG: Hey, aren’t those the same flowers from Alma’s grave?
ROBO: Hey, he used to be a peasant. He’s probably STILL a tightwad…
Delita: Today’s your birthday, right? These flowers… [Ovelia rushes up and tries to stab him, but he grabs the knife]
FROG[Delita]: Okay, okay, I won’t ask your age…
ROBO: Apparently, the finishing school did NOT teach proper techniques of
assassination…
Delita: O… Ovelia?
FROG: WRONG!! It’s actually Dycedarg. Again.
ROBO: Mwaha!! MAGUS: MwahaHA!!
ROBO: Mwahaha… HA!!
MAGUS: MwahahahaHA!!! HA!! A thousand times, HA!!
ROBO: Okay, you win. I never should have healed you after Miss Piggy took
you out.
[Delita takes the knife from Ovelia]
Ovelia: You use everybody like that! Now you’ll kill me just like
Ramza…!
MAGUS: WRONG!! YOUR fate will be much slower and more painful…
FROG: You know, if she’d just hit him with an AXE instead of a knife,
he wouldn’t have stood a chance!
[Delita stabs Ovelia, staggers away]
MAGUS: You know, this tinkly music is getting almost as annoying as MARLE’S!!
Delita: Ramza.. What did you get?
MAGUS: This brand new convertible!
ROBO&FROG: Yayyyy!!!
MAGUS: And, a life-time supply of Evanescent-Os!!!
ROBO&FROG: Ooohhhh….
Delita: I…
MAGUS: You just hold that thought, Delita.
THE END
ROBO: Okay, I think you held it just a BIT too long…
[Random numbers]
FROG: Well, I think you get it now, Robo, right?
ROBO: Pretty much. Well, off to see Ayla to learn about what it feels like
to be infinitely inferior to everyone around you…
Next week: Frog, Robo, and Magus MiSTthe ending of FFVI!!