The MSTing of an Ending
By Froborr d'Wiggy
[Frog enters Magus Castle, climbs to top, and draws Masamune while
Magus laughs at him.]
FROG: Now, thou shalt die, punk of darkness!
MAGUS: Having a bit of a problem with anachronisms again, green boy?
[They begin to fight, and soon are both badly cut up and bleeding.]
FROG: Arrggghhh I must go on
MAGUS: Must .kill Kermit
ROBO: Heal Beam!
FROG&MAGUS: Huh!? What are you doing here? Youre supposed to be in 2300!
ROBO: Yahh, but I got bored. Atropos isnt as interesting, now that she isnt evil anymore. So I decided to come learn about emotions.
FROG: Ahh, so thou didst cometh to gain comprehension of my undying hatred of all things Magus-y!
MAGUS: MAGUS-Y!?!? You really are nuts!
ROBO: Actually, I came to learn about humor.
FROG: Humor? You came to US for HUMOR!?
MAGUS: Hey, makes sense. Whats funnier than Kermit with a sword? Except maybe Kermit in a blender
FROG: Well, okay, if thou dost want to learneth about humor, than well just have to MiST something for thee. Luckily, I just happen to have mine copy of FFT with me. Magus, if we may make use of thy Pl*ySt*tion
MAGUS: Of course, what evil dungeon would be complete WITHOUT S*ny products
Graveyard of Airships
MAGUS: Its all Cids fault! He killed it!
ROBO: Shouldnt this be Graveyard of Airship? There is only one
FROG: Aye, but yonder translators couldnt even handle MINE speech how canst they be expectedeth to translate past the evil influences of thine hath random-archaic-word S*ny?
Vormav: Why? Why doesnt Virgo work? The Holy Angels spirit is around in here Why..?
Maybe Cid took it when he killed the Airship
MAGUS: Virgo doesnt work because youre a CAPRICORN, you dolt! Anyway, isnt Virgo the symbol of the virgin? Maybe theres something about Alma we didnt know
FROG: Yeah, what was WITH her and Teta anyway
MAGUS: Either youre even more thickheaded than I thought, or you have a VERY sick mind, Kermit.
Vormav: Maybe its Ajora reincarnated
MAGUS: Ajora reincarnated! Just as evil as original Ajora, but with HALF
ROBO: Does Vormav also believe in the Easter Bunny?
FROG: Hey, youre catching on!
ROBO: Hey, that wasnt archaic!
Vormav: No, that cant be! Certainly, Virgo did react.
FROG: Drat, I guess that means a NO on the Teta connection
MAGUS: Jim Henson is turning over in his grave, man
Ramza: Thats far enough, Vormav!
ROBO[Ramza]: One step closer, and I blow us all sky-high!
Ramza: Virgos not working, so give up and hand over Alma!
now THERES an interesting thought
MAGUS[casts Ice 2 on Frog]: You need to cool down, Kermit!
FROG: YAHHH!! Thats it, Im MAD! ::Begins casting Summons::
Vormav: No, it will work It just needs more
ROBO[Vormav]: Men! I need more men
MAGUS[Darth Vader/Ramza]: You can tell that to the Emperor when he arrives
Vormav: You didnt here? It just needs blood lots of blood is needed for the Angels ressurrection
MAGUS: Do the voices say things like this to you often?
FROG: Gee, an ultimate evil that needs blood sacrifices. Never would have guessed THAT!
ROBO: Now, if it needed BATTERIES THAT would have been creative
Vormav: Much bloodshed since Ajoras death, but I guess it wasnt enough I guess Ill have to go on another rampage..!!
FROG: And rob every candy store in town!
MAGUS: You know, logic isnt exactly this guys strong point, is it?
Vormav: Heh heh heh, dont worry
FROG[singing]: Dont worry, be happy!
MAGUS: Oh, I WONT worry I have Orlandu and May the Wizard Calculator heheheheh
ROBO: Have any of you ever noticed how much Orlandu looks like Ben Kenobi?
Vormav: Ill sacrifice you first.
MAGUS: To the Dark God of pointless quotation marks!
[Vormav morphs into Hasmalum]
FROG[singing]: If Iiiiiii
were King of the
MAGUS: Wow, now THATS evil the Cowardly Lion in a dress!
FROG: And with pigtails, no less.
ROBO: RUN!!! Its the Demon Hamentashen!
MAGUS: Huh!? Hama-what-en?
ROBO: Its a cookie.
Hashmalum: Master Bloody Angel Let me offer you blood darker than wine and hotter than burning lava
MAGUS: Faster than a speeding bullet, hotter than burning lava, and darker
FROG: Its SUPERBLOOD! Dark Lord of the Pointless Punctuation !? * .
ROBO: Okay, in this corner we have the cowardly Lion, and Alma the Unconscious Super-Powerful Chick. And in THAT corner we have Ramza the Double-Sworded Knight, Spike the Chemist of Doom, May the Wizard Calculator, Morris the Summoner Time Mage, and Orlandu the Jedi Master!
[Orlandu moves down and Lightning Stabs Hashmalum. Hashmalum moves up and begins casting Meteor on Morris]
FROG: You know, that little ability would have REALLY changed The Wizard of Oz
[May casts CT Prime Number Holy on Hashmalum, then moves out of range of Meteor]
MAGUS: Now THAT takes dodging skill
ROBO: Holy Holy, Batman!
FROG: You know, right up until this moment, I thought youd figured humor out.
[Spike moves out of Meteor blast area, and shoots Hasmalum]
ROBO: Im STILL impressed that he managed to learn everything it takes
to be a Priest without ever actually taking the Job!
MAGUS: Hey, you can learn a lot just by watching ::Casts Luminaire on Frog::
FROG: [Continues Summons]
[Morris begins casting Meteor on Hasmalum]
FROG: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a giant space-going chunk of floating rock for a giant space-going chunk of floating rock!
Ramza: Alma, hold on! Please! Open your eyes!!
FROG[singing]: And let the sun shine in
Hashmalum: Its no use You cannot wake her
Ramza: What have you done to Alma!?
MAGUS: We have put her to sleep by boring her with ellipses
Hashmalum: Her existence impedes our goal
FROG: In plain English, she got in the way.
MAGUS: YOURE one to talk about plain English, Kermie!
FROG: [continiues Summoning ]
Hashmalum: When she wakes, she will remember her mission
ROBO: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to DESTROY ALL EXTRANEOUS
MAGUS: This joke will self-destruct in thirty seconds.
Hashmalum: Her important mission, to call our allies
ROBO: To the BatPhone!
MAGUS: Wait, I thought she was an IMPEDIMENT!! Whys she helping you!?
[Ramza hits Hashmalum with Save the Queen and Rune Blade, killing him.]
FROG: Hey, this time we killed the bad guy BEFORE he summoned Meteor!
MAGUS: Yeah, now THAT felt good.
you are not awake yet?
[Zodiac Stone bings, and Alma sits up]
MAGUS: Buy Zodiac Stone alarm clocks! Loud enough to wake the dead and damned!
Alma: Ugh Wh Where am I?
MAGUS: Well, that was creative. More scintillating dialogue here
Alma: Brother Ramza?
FROG: Romantic music plays, and they fall into each others arms. The
MAGUS: Frog, theyre BROTHER AND SISTER!!!
FROG: Yeah, well so are you and Schala!
MAGUS: Hey, whats that supposed to mean?
ROBO: Shh well miss the funny bits!
Hashmalum: I wont let you interfere!
MAGUS: And I wont let your existence impede our goals, either!
Hashmalum: Bloody Angel!! I offer my own life for your resurrection !!
FROG: Run! Rampant ellipses and exclamation points!
ROBO: At least there werent any quotes this time
[Hashmalum impales self on claws and explodes]
MAGUS: Kids, thats why you should NEVER eat antimatter pellets before a major battle
[Alma screams, turns into St Ajora]
FROG: Hey, Alma turned old all of a sudden
ROBO: Didnt I see this once on Star Trek?
St Ajora: I have my body back
MAGUS: And so can you, at Cids Airship Graveyard Gym and Health Spa Resort!!
FFT: Congratulations: This battle is complete. War Trophies: Ragnarok
FROG: The death of the gods and end of the world? They call THAT a trophy!? Okay, just hold on while I replace the Rune Sword with the Ragnarok, and well get to it.
[Ajora glows ]
St Ajora: Ugh what What is this?
ROBO: See? Its the low battery warning light! Told ya blood wouldnt do any good
St Ajora: Ugh
MAGUS: No, you fool! Its Dycedarg!
St Ajora: Brother Ramza Stop Dont interfere Do not inter fere Do not inter !!
MAGUS: Bad memories of Zeromus death arise
FROG: Naw, its just a broken record.
MAGUS: Whats a record?
ROBO: Like a CD, but big and black.
MAGUS: Oh, okay, I get it. Just another anachronism from Kermie.
[Glowing Blue Light transfers Alma to other end of screen]
ROBO: Beam me up, Scotty!
Ramza: Alma, are you okay?
Alma: Brother Im alright
MAGUS[Alma}: I just have Zeromus syn drome
Alma: We have to kill Ajora hurry
FROG: Before the ellipses conquer all!!
St Ajora: Are you trying to stop my ressurection
MAGUS[Ramza]: Nope, just dropped in for tea.
Ajora: I wont
[Four demons appear]
MAGUS: WOW! Generic Cheese Demons!
FROG: No, those were brown. These are PURPLE! SO they must be
ROBO: GENERIC CHEESE PLUS DEMONS!!!
Ajora: I will not let anyone prevent my ressurrection
[Massive pyrotechnincs blow masts off Airship, while Ajora turns into Altima]
MAGUS: Man, Cid is going to be PISSED when he hears about this
Altima: Prepare yourselves powerless ones!
just like Ultima, but with new mis-spelling feature!
MAGUS: Its not a bug, its a feature.
FROG: Hey, isnt Orlandu really Cid?
[Orlandu moves up and Holy Explosions Altima]
MAGUS: Yep, and hes pissed, alright.
ROBO: Are you thinking what Im thinking?
FROG: I think so, Robo. But isnt Ovelia already married?
ROBO: No, I meant Cid the Jedi Knight!
FROG: Shes married to HIM!?
[May Height Prime Number Holies Altima. Spike shoots Altima. Morris begins Haste 2-ing self, May, and Spike. Alma begins Mbarrier-ing self]
FROG: Hey, she STILL has the equipment I gave her way back when
the Equip Axe ability
MAGUS: Hey, and shes carrying an axe!
ROBO: Man, that was some finishing school she and Ovelia went to: And in between Etiquette and Chocoback Riding, we taught the girls how to make each other invincible with Mbarrier!
FROG: And how to eviscerate people with an axe!
[Ramza walks up to Altima, hits with both swords, killing her.]
Altima: No This cant be Youre the descendant of the one who killed me before No I wont be beaten I will not be beaten
MAGUS: Guess what, youre being beaten!
FROG: I do believe that that was generic villain line number 242! Magus, can you confirm this?
MAGUS: I will kill you!!
Altima Mark Two [With accompanying pyrotechnics]: I will kill you!!]
FROG: I rest my case.
ROBO: Hey, whered the demons go?
MAGUS: Maybe she ate them for the blood?
ROBO: Or maybe they went to get batteries!
FROG: Uh uh I think Robo has discovered the Running Gag
[Alma Mbarriers self. Orlandu Holy Explosions Altima, gaining a level.]
MAGUS: Gee, thats going to be useful
[May discovers theres no way to Holy Altima without hitting Alma. Gives up in disgust. Morris casts Haste 2. Spike Elixers Alma. Morris summons Bahamut on Altima]
MAGUS: Yeah, right. Like THATS ever going to happen
[May Holies Altima. Orlandu Holy Explosions Altima]
ROBO: DO we see a pattern here ?
[Ramza moves behind Altima, hits with both swords]
FROG: Now, was that fair?
[Altima moves to random corner and begins Dispelling Alma. Alma casts Mbarrier on Ramza. Spike shoots Altima.]
MAGUS: Boy, this Spike character sure has a lot of imagination, doesnt
FROG: Yeah, if he mastered Priest, how come hes not casting Holy, too?
ROBO: Holy 2!! Theres a Holy 2!! Wait, no I get it now. Thats a good question.
MAGUS: Hey, dont look at me, Im not playing.
ROBO: Wait who is playin!?
FROG: Well, Im not and youre not and Magus isnt so . Uh-oh .
[May Holies Altima and Orlandu]
MAGUS: You know, that girl REALLY needs to work on aim
FROG: Hey, hes healed by it, so who cares?
[Orlandu Holy Explosions Altima, killing it]
Altima: More power
ROBO: SEE!! I KNEW they should have gone with Energizer Batteries. They outlast
blood every time!
MAGUS: So, at last Altimas TRUE identity is revealed its Tim Allen! Lord of the Excessive Punctuation!
[Altima explodes, destroying Airship]
ROBO[Cid]: Alright, now Im REALLY MAD!!!
FFT: Congratulations! This game is complete!!
MAGUS: Thats *sniff* so inutterably LAME!!
Priest: With the fathers blessing you shall return to Earth. Guide
Alma Beoulves soul to Heaven with St Ajoras divine protection
MAGUS[Altima]: Why, CERTAINLY Ill protect you, ally of those who killed
ROBO: The Church of Ivalice are pretty stupid guys, arent they?
FROG: Farlem, brother
[Mourners start leaving]
Mourner: What a pity. She was so young.
MAGUS: And she could wield an axe like nobodys business!
Mourner: All the siblings gone
FROG[singing]: Where have all the siblings gone, long time passing Where have all the siblings gone far far away
[Priest and all but two Mourners leave]
Mourner: The youngest, Ramza, wont even be buried. Sad
MAGUS: 1, hes not dead. Two, you saw that explosion. Whats left to bury?
Mourner: Beoulves 300 year history is over now
FROG: Which is why this entire game is from the point of view of a historian studying the Beoulves
[Last Mourners leave, just before theyre off the screen, Olan and the Strange Mage enter]
FROG: Hey, is that Froborr!?
ROBO: Naw, some girl. Pretty strange, though.
MAGUS: Yeah, look at that hair.
FROG: Hey, youre one to talk.
MAGUS: At least I HAVE hair you two freaks are bald as a pair of lemons!
Olan: Im sorry Im late Alma, Ramza. I wanted to come earlier, but it was too dangerous Too risky
FROG: Right. Have to keep a low profile.
MAGUS[Olan]: Which is why I cam in BEFORE everybody left.
[Strange Mage puts flowers on grave]
Olan: Delita married Ovelia. A commoner brings peace to a chaotic kingdom, marries the Princess, becoming King.
MAGUS: Hey, whys he describing Cecil all of a sudden?
Olan: A legend that will be passed down for centuries.
FROG: Wowee, taking that long to pass something? That guy should eat some
FROG: [continues Summoning]
Olan: Delita may be a good person as you said
ROBO[Olan]: But I wouldnt bet on it.
Olan: He made it look like he killed her, then let her go when her identity was clear. I guess he identified with her, having been used by Vormav
MAGUS: But mostly, its just because she was rich, powerful, and a fox.
FROG: And wielded an axe!!
ROBO: A fox? How can you tell? Besides, people without noses look weird
[Strange Mage points offscreen]
ROBO: The planes!! The planes!!
[Olan nods, and Strange Mage walks off]
MAGUS[Olan]: Right, that was your cue to make sure that no-one believes me
Olan: Did my father die heroically?
ROBO: Yes, actually. He sacrificed himself in order that Luke might gain
the knowledge he needed
FROG: Umm wrong old guy in brown robes
MAGUS: Im not sure how many Jedi Masters look like Alec Guinness? Huh?
Olan: Ill come back again. Bye [starts to leave, turns back] Are you really dead?
FROG: No, just MOSTLY dead!
ROBO: And theres a big difference between all dead, and mostly dead!
MAGUS: Im not dead yet!
FROG: Bring out your dead!
Olan: I still cant believe
FROG: That its not butter!!
Olan: youre really dead
[Alma and Ramza begin riding past on Chocobos.]
FROG: Wow! No vowels OR consonants! I wish I could talk like that
MAGUS: Well, now you can, with the Victor Borge Home Punctuation Pronunciation Kit!! Just listen to this student!
[Ramza and Alma ride off]
Olan: Wait! Ramza! Alma!
MAGUS[Olan]: You forgot your coffin!
ROBO: American Express Travelers Coffins! Dont leave home without it!
[Strange Mage returns]
Olan: Hes alive! Alive!!
MAGUS[Frankenstein]: Its alive!! Alive!!!
Olan: Thank you, Ramza.
FROG[Strange Mage]: Dont worry, Olan. I saw him to, we all did
and the men in white coats will be VERY nice to you
MAGUS: Well, now theres nothing but the story of Olan, who nobody cares about, and the credits.
ROBO: So well tell you the REAL story, of what happened to everyone else.
FROG: Right. First, theres Boco. He reunited with Coco, and the two of them led a happy life being sat on by Ramza and Alma.
MAGUS: Who eventually ran into Butz, Faris, Lenna, and Cara!
ROBO: Cloud decided to hell with Sephiroth, and joined the church. Years later, he set fire to Olan, for portraying him as a spiky-haired freak.
MAGUS: Mustadio started a fine Italian restaurant. Unfotunately, the Church declared spaghetti to be a form of heresy, and burned the restaurant at the steak.
ROBO: Mustadio escaped using the Forwarding Device, and ended up in the FFVII world. Where he joined the Turks under the assumed name of Vincent Valentine.
FROG: Agrias, deciding that evanescance wasnt really such a sad word after all, made a fortune off of Evanescent-Os, a popular breakfast cereal. Later, she got bored, and went through the Forwarding Device to Michigan. She changed her name to Ellcrys, and her hair color to a sort of brownish.
ROBO: Beowulf went back to his duties as a Temple Knight, defending the honor of upper faces everywhere. While Reis, pissed at him for turning her from a really cool purple dragon to some dorky Dragoner turned on him, stole all his money, and ran off to become a gospel singer.
MAGUS: Orlandu was killed by Darth Vader. Nuff said.
FROG: Now, the Generic Party Members. Spike the Chemist of Doom used the Forwarding Device to seek out the other members of the far-flung Generic family, namely the Generic Light Warriors from FF1, and Bobby Generic from Bobbys World.
MAGUS: Morris the Time Summoner went on to found the famous Time Mage School of Fashion Design, where he taught everyone to summon those neat pointy hats.
FROG: May the Wizard Calculator was knocked back in time by the blast, due to the Haste spell on her. She ended up as a great hero to Goltanas forces, when, while serving under Larg, she made a slight miscalculation and ended up destroying half his army with rampant Holies. Hey, the summons is done!
MISS PIGGY: Kermie!! Wait, youre not my Kermie! Wheres my Kermie!!
FROG: [points at Magus] He took him!
MISS PIGGY: Hey-YA!! [Kicks Magus, then goes back to playing the game, which she was doing all along]
King Delita: Here you are everyones been looking for you. [Dismounts, walks up to Ovelia the Axe-Wielding Princess. Draws flowers]
FROG: Hey, arent those the same flowers from Almas grave?
ROBO: Hey, he used to be a peasant. Hes probably STILL a tightwad
Delita: Todays your birthday, right? These flowers [Ovelia rushes up and tries to stab him, but he grabs the knife]
FROG[Delita]: Okay, okay, I wont ask your age
ROBO: Apparently, the finishing school did NOT teach proper techniques of assassination
Delita: O Ovelia?
FROG: WRONG!! Its actually Dycedarg. Again.
ROBO: Mwaha!!MAGUS: MwahaHA!!
ROBO: Mwahaha HA!!
MAGUS: MwahahahaHA!!! HA!! A thousand times, HA!!
ROBO: Okay, you win. I never should have healed you after Miss Piggy took you out.
[Delita takes the knife from Ovelia]
Ovelia: You use everybody like that! Now youll kill me just like Ramza !
MAGUS: WRONG!! YOUR fate will be much slower and more painful
FROG: You know, if shed just hit him with an AXE instead of a knife, he wouldnt have stood a chance!
[Delita stabs Ovelia, staggers away]
MAGUS: You know, this tinkly music is getting almost as annoying as MARLES!!
Delita: Ramza.. What did you get?
MAGUS: This brand new convertible!
MAGUS: And, a life-time supply of Evanescent-Os!!!
ROBO&FROG: Ooohhhh .
MAGUS: You just hold that thought, Delita.
ROBO: Okay, I think you held it just a BIT too long
FROG: Well, I think you get it now, Robo, right?
ROBO: Pretty much. Well, off to see Ayla to learn about what it feels like to be infinitely inferior to everyone around you
Next week: Frog, Robo, and Magus MiSTthe ending of FFVI!!
Froborr d'Wiggy's Fanfiction