Final Fantasy Simpson Chapter 8
Huge Materia Homer
By Geode
"Welcome everyone to the Highwind," Cid waved his arm across the ship's interior.
"You mean we're going to be flying around in this tub!? Uhh… I can't stand planes. They make me sea sick…" Moe ran over to the side of the Highwind.
"Join the club," Yuffie was already at the side of the Highwind. Her face a pale shade of green.
"Umm… Can you send me home now?" Homer tapped Barret on the shoulder. Barret frowned.
"Ain't you been listenin'? Da Crater is sealed tight and we got no way to get in," Barret growled. Homer stared at him in awe.
"Uh huh. Yeah… But I'm asking if you can send me home?" Homer added again. Barret sighed and walked away. Tifa leaned against one of the rails.
"What if Cloud is stuck in the Crater…" Tifa softly said. "How could we get to him…?"
"But what if he isn't?" Aeris reentered the fanfic.
"Huh?" Barret, Cid, and Red XIII looked to Aeris.
"The Lifestream doesn't only flow in the Crater. It has other places where it can flow out," Aeris explained. Cid scratched your head.
"So… You're saying that Cloud could have been flushed out of the Lifestream?" Cid replied. Aeris nodded.
"Well... If you want to say it that way," Aeris answered Cid's reply.
"How are we supposed to find a place like that?" Red XIII asked.
"Simple. We just check places on the map that we haven't been to yet. That's how all Square games work," Cait Sith hopped over to the group.
"Hmm… A place we couldn't get to before… Let's check the map," Cid walked over to a huge board on one of the walls of the Highwind. His finger traced over the places they had been. Just then, Homer shoved him out of the way.
"I'll handle this," Homer quickly interjected. He grabbed a handful of pins and began to poke in parts that looked interesting. Homer nodded and stepped back. 'There… Now we know where we're going," Homer brushed off his hands. Cid clenched his fists.
"You ^&$*! You just shoved pins into random locations in the eastern continent! And… and… you ruined my map!" Cid wiped away a tear. Tifa gasped as she looked at the map. Homer had placed a pin in Midgar, Junon, Fort Condor, the Mythril Mines, and the Sleeping Man's place. Tifa noticed that he had formed an arrow. She walked over and inspected the map.
"Hey… Where does this arrow point to?" Tifa looked over the map. Cait Sith hopped over to Tifa.
"Hmmm… It heads straight for… some Chocobo tracks. Oh no! The chocobos have found Cloud and are planning to eat him!" Cait Sith shouted. Vincent smacked him in the back of the head.
"Don't be an idiot! Chocobos only eat Contain materia and greens," Vincent muttered. "This arrow points to one of the spots we've never been before."
"Where?" Barret asked.
"Mideel," Vincent replied.
"Mideel! I've been there before. Back in '43, we attacked Mideel. We normally attack by sea, but had seen two lanterns in the clock tower. I manned artillery on the ship. They called me bull's eye or bull something er other… Anyway…" Grandpa mumbled on for another few minutes before he fell asleep.
"OK! We'll go there to check and see if Cloud has showed up," Aeris continued.
"Right! Then we can go get the Huge Materia!" Yuffie exclaimed.
"Mmmm… Huge Materia," Homer drooled.
"Huh? HUGE Materia? It's bad enough we have to carry around all this other crap!" Cid complained. He gestured to a piece of Long Range materia.
"Well… If ChocoBilly can persuade everyone to get a Gold Chocobo, there's no reason that I can say, Let's go search for Huge Materia," Yuffie exclaimed.
"OK… Then we can go to Sephiroth's Crater," Vincent nodded.
"Okaly Dokaly," Ned got in a line.
"WAIT A MINUTE!!" a voice shouted.
"Huh?" Barret looked around. A figure appeared on the Highwind.
"Do you know how many chapters this fanfic has been going on!?" the figure demanded.
"Umm… I think…" Cait Sith paged up to the top of this story, "Eight! Yeah, Eight!" Cait Sithe exclaimed. The figure tapped it's foot.
"Well! It's taking forever!! I'm not about to write ten more chapters of the stuff everyone's already heard!" the figure growled.
"What about us...What are we supposed to do?" Aeris ripped off Cloud's monologue.
"I'll tell you… I'm going to finish this fanfic by just writing in the important and funny stuff!" the figure clenched a fist.
"Don't be silly. Nothing funny happens here," Homer was aiming Vincent's gun at Ned Flanders. Vincent grabbed it from Homer's hands.
"OK! It begins now!" the figure disappeared.
Scene #1
"Oh no! The train is going to crash into Corel!" Barret shouted.
"I'll handle this!" Homer jumps into the engineer's car. (No! Not that stupid Mec in SaGa Frontier!) He grabs the two handles.
"You have two push and pull them back in alternating patterns!" Cid shouts.
"Piece of cake," Homer pulls them at the same time. The two snap off the hinges. "Doh!" Cid drops his cigarette in frustration. He lunges for the controls.
The Corel train goes speeding off the cliff. A huge explosion shakes the mountains.
"Wooo… That was a close call," Cid wipes sweat from his brow. The team stands at the side of the tracks.
Scene #2
"Homer! You have to guard the condors at all costs!" Tifa shouted as she rushed down to fight the oncoming forces. Homer looked to the egg.
"Don't worry. It's not going anywhere," Homer patted the egg. The egg shook and lost it's balance. It rolled out of the nest and tumbled down the mountain. "DOH!!" Cait Sith heard the sound and looked back.
"Oh no! Not again!" Cait Sith shouted. He quickly pulled on an Indiana Jones hat and leapt out of the way. The egg went crashing into the Shin-ra troops, including the general. When it finally slowed to a stop, a huge crack formed in the egg. A condor's head burst through the egg and peered around the area.
"Wark?" the condor began to emerge from the rest of the egg.
"Hey. I didn't know that condors made chocobo chirps," Aeris looked over at the condor.
"They don't. Square just doesn't know what an actual bird sounds like. Did you hear the stupid sounds that the seagulls made in the beginning of Chrono Trigger?" Cait Sith nodded.
"Wait? Wasn't the big Condor supposed to die?" Tifa looked to the huge condor. Everyone followed her gaze. The condor stared directly back at them and nodded it's head.
"Well… I can't have as good a death scene as Aeris would have had, but I can improvise," the condor grabbed it's neck. "Ack! It's all going dark. It's all over for me. My kin shall avenge my death!" the condor hacked up a piece of Phoenix materia and made a cry. It then fell backwards off the cliff.
"Uhh… I wonder who's going to have to clean that up?" Cait Sith hopped over to where Homer was examining the piece of Phoenix materia.
Scene #3
"Homer! We have to get out of here! Mideel is going to cave in," Cid shouted. Homer sat at the edge of Mideel. A huge crack had formed next to Homer. He had pulled out a fishing rod, which read PROPERTY OF NED FLANDERS, and was fishing in the lifestream.
"Huh?" Homer looked up as the crack widened. Cid didn't have a chance to say anything as he watched Tifa, Cloud, and Homer fall into the Lifestream.
It was complete darkness all around Homer. He got up and looked around.
"Hey! What the hell is this?" Homer looked around the black area. "Hello? Anybody there? Yello? Hey! My voice is echoing in here! Hehehehehe! Wooooooo! Zzzzzzzzzz! Eeeeeeeeep! Eheeheeheeheeheehee!" Homer was making a complete idiot of himself.
"Huh!?" Tifa got up with a start in the middle of Cloud's consciousness. She looked around and saw a faded image of Cloud. "This must be your mind," Tifa scanned the area. She noticed that Homer had split into three. She gasped and walked over to Homer. "What's happened to you?"
"It's his fault!" the Homer on the left pointed to the Homer on the right.
"It is not! I was only doing my part to help!" the other Homer shouted. He collapsed on the floor and began to spin in a circle while laughing. The Homer in the center was busy eating a huge turkey leg.
"Mmm… Lifestream delicious," as the middle Homer munched at the leg.
"Oh my. Not only has Cloud split apart, but so has Homer!" Tifa bit her lip. She grabbed the Homer who wasn't spinning or eating. "We need to get you back together. And Cloud as well," Tifa explained. After all the basic dialogue, Homer followed Tifa and Cloud into Nibelheim. The two soldiers and Sephiroth appeared. Cloud was about to take his place when Homer shoved him out of the way.
"I believe I'm supposed to go here," Homer nodded as he stepped into the silhouette of Cloud. The shadow pushed him out of the way. "Hey! Why you little!" Homer began to choke the shadow
A few moments later…
Young Tifa was walking across the bridge. Homer stepped onto the first board of the bridge. The bridge snapped and she fell down as Cloud rushed to save her.
Further later…
Sephiroth staggered out of the reactor room. He clutched a piece of Jenova in his hand. Homer appeared behind him.
"Not so fast you! I still want that Black Materia back!" Homer shouted. He rushed towards Sephiroth. Sephiroth flashed his Masamune back at Homer and caught him in the chest.
"Don't know when to give up do you?" Sephiroth smiled. Homer grabbed the Masamune and lifted Sephiroth up. "Huh?"
"I've had it up to here with your crappy sword!" Homer lifted Sephiroth up and shook him by the Masamune. Homer flicked Sephiroth to the side. Sephiroth screamed like a girl as he lunged into the Mako pool.
Scene #4
"I can man a nuclear sub!" Homer shouts. As the submarine heads towards the red submarine. "Umm… Let's see…" He randomly picked a button on the controls. The submarine zoomed forward and smashed into the red submarine. "DOH!" The red submarine groaned and began to sink into the ocean. "Wooohooo!"
Scene #5
"Gee… I'm back in space again," Homer looked out into outer space. He watched as Cloud, Tifa, and Cid walked out of the room and up a ladder. "Hey! Wait for me!" Homer rushed after them. They were in a room trying to figure out the access code to open the tube.
"Hmm… Maybe it was only three triangles…" Cid mumbled. Cloud waited impatiently.
"Out of my way! I have the code!" Homer shouted.
"You do!?" Cloud exclaimed. He whispered something into Cloud's ear. Cloud shook his head.
"Homer. There is no red button!" Cloud replied. Homer looked at the controls and pressed a few of the buttons.
"Incorrect," the computer replied.
"What!? Why you little…!" Homer shouted and clutched the tube. He grunted and ripped the tubes apart. The Huge Materia clattered to the floor.
"See? With my help, we were able to get the materia," Homer smiled. Cid took a smoke of his cigarette.
"Ahh… Damn ^$&#" Cid muttered. They walked out of the room and headed for the escape pod. Cloud and Cid climbed down the ladder with Homer behind them. Suddenly, Homer fell off the ladder and crashed onto Cid.
"Oww! My back!" Homer groaned.
"Ahhh! You damn %#&$!!" Cid moaned. "Get off of me!"
"Can't… back… no longer… responding to thought…" Homer groaned.
"Great! We're stuck here until we crash into Meteor! Cloud. Take the Huge Materia and go!" Cid commanded.
"I'm not leaving any of my friends," Cloud added.
"You #%&#*$^#&(*! This isn’t the time to play hero you #^*(#&(!" Cid shouted.
Scene #6
"Oh course I know about these things," Homer growled. (This is the part where Homer had managed to get into Midgar while everyone else is fighting Diamond WEAPON.) He stood next to Hojo on the Mako cannon. He accidentally leaned on the controls.
"You fool!" Hojo shouted. The Mako Cannon changed trajectory as it fired. The beam of energy flew out of the cannon and headed towards Cosmo Canyon. Bugenhagen stared in awe as he watched the beam head towards the observatory.
"Ho Ho Hoooo $#^$…" Bugenhagen covered his head, praying to survive this. The blast bounced off the telescope lens and headed towards Meteor. The blast nicked the side of Meteor and deflected back towards the planet. It flared into the City of the Ancients stratum and bounced back and forth. Pinball sounds rung aloud. Then it ricocheted off the wall and slammed through Diamond WEAPON.
"Woohoooooo!"
The beam continued on and slammed into the forcefield over the Crater. The shield shattered apart.
And that brings us up to date.
Now, we finish this series in the next chapter! I bet you know where this ends.
- Geode, Fanfiction Writer