Love Lies Bleeding
By GrandLordMagus
Memories are just where you laid them
I left everything back in Nibelheim when I went off to join SOLDIER. I left all I’d ever known back home with Mom, Zangar,…and Tifa. God, how I missed her. Every day away I remembered her face, the way her eyes resembled diamonds, the way her hair cascaded down her back, the way she sometimes smiled at me. I laugh at myself now, when I think about how I had been back then. I left because of her, so that I could be someone she wanted. Or who I thought she wanted. So I joined SOLDIER, hoping that it would make me into more than what I was—the kid they called ‘weird’ or ‘weak’ and never let me play with them. After I left for SOLDIER, I knew life would be different. I had hoped ‘different’ meant better. I was young; I didn’t know much. Not compared to what I know now.
Drag the waters ‘til the depths give up their dead
Aeris. Can you hear the prayers I send you through the lake’s waters? I miss you. But I can’t say I know exactly how I miss you. As someone who fought alongside us—alongside me—and gave up your life for the cause, for the sake of the Planet? As a friend who was sweet, unselfish, and amazingly enthusiastic for life? Or as something more? My mind’s a mess as it is and now I’m getting mixed messages from my heart. Sometimes it’s telling me Tifa. Other times it tells me you. But you’re gone. Should I go to Tifa then by default? Is that fair to you? To me? To her? Seems the more I learn, the more I experience, the harder it is to figure things out. When I was fighting for Shinra, they gave me a coda to live by, principles to believe in. Then AVALANCHE came along and suddenly everything I believed in was really a lie. I thought I wanted Tifa but then you walked into my life and now my heart’s torn in two. And even Sephiroth, my hero, the man I followed unquestioningly, stood side by side with on the battlefield, turned out to be someone other than I thought he was. He wasn’t the man I knew anymore. The Sephiroth I knew wouldn’t have sentenced you to a watery grave. I’m so sorry, Aeris. It’s all my fault.
What did you expect to find?
Was there something you left behind?
I went to SOLDIER because of Tifa. I came back because…because…because why? I…I don’t know. I wasn’t really interested in the eco-crusade Barrett was fighting with AVALANCHE. The money was pitifully worse than being on Shinra’s payroll. So why did I do it? Why did I buy into their ‘save the Planet’ idea? Was it because I thought I’d find Tifa again? Funny how it’s all come full circle, beginning and ending with her. I shouldn’t have expected to come back and have her greet me with open arms. How could I? I had become a different person—even now I question what sort of person that exactly is—and she would be different too. Would that mean she’d take me in, instead of pushing me away like she had before? That night at the well. I still find myself thinking that something happened between us that night. Maybe she saw me for me, as someone who wanted her to be part of my life. Even as a friend. But when I left SOLDIER that wouldn’t be enough, friendship. I wanted more. I put my mind, body, and spirit through countless grueling trials and exercises. For her. Did I find—could I find—that in Aeris? If it wasn’t for AVALANCHE and Tifa, I wouldn’t have met Aeris. They say that you can never go home again. They were right.
Don’t you remember anything I said when I said
Don’t fall away
And leave me to myself
Don’t fall away
The dream. I remember you leaving, running away from me. You disappeared into the Sleeping Forest, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t move fast enough to follow you. I knew something bad would happen if you left me. I shouldn’t have let you out of my sight; you should have been by my side, at all times. I wish I knew what came over me. Last I remembered, I handed the Black Materia over to Sephiroth against my will. Then the dream. You said, “Let me handle Sephiroth.” I should have been there, should have stopped you. Or protected you. But I didn’t. I still remember when we found you; I’ve played the scene in my head over and over a million times. Deep in the City of the Ancients you were kneeling on that platform, praying for Holy to come and stop Sephiroth’s Meteor. So that was what you meant. You opened your eyes, looked at me, and smiled. At that moment, I wanted to kiss you. But..my heart was, still is, divided.
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands
Love lies bleeding
I regret that hesitation now. Before I knew it, Sephiroth leapt down from who-knows-where and plunged his sword Masamune through your stomach. You slumped on the blade, dead, as the White Materia—remember how you called it useless?—fell into the water. I took you in my arms and said you name, shook you trying to wake you up from that eternal sleep, while Sephiroth made some speech about…something. I wasn’t listening. I just watched helplessly as the life fled from your body. You didn’t say a word. You didn’t have to. Your face, set that way for eternity, told me well enough what you meant to ask: “Why?” I wish I could give you an answer.
Oh, hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you’ve left to go?
So now I’m alone again. Except for Tifa; she’s still there for me to turn to. She always has been, now that I think about it. Even if she didn’t look at me, I always looked to her if I was feeling lost or alone. It made me feel better, in a way, looking at her like that. She’s there now. Can I stand to face her now, after questioning my feelings for her? Would she turn away from me, like she used to all that time ago, because she saw between me and Aeris what might have been but actually wasn’t? Would she deny me when I need her the most? Where else can I turn? She’s been the guiding reason for everything I’ve done in my life. I don’t want to have her abandon that role now. She means too much to me. But so did Aeris. And she slipped away. I hate that. I can’t let that happen to me and Tifa. I can’t.
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again
When I was with Shinra, I wasn’t a person, just another body for their army. Another actor for their twisted play with the denouement as the complete domination of the world, destroying it in the process. Now I’m free to make my own decisions and think for myself. Or can I? The headaches seem to be getting worse. My memory’s full of holes. I can’t remember everything that’s happened, even if I want to so badly. There are so many gaps; what did Shinra do to me? Then there’s Sephiroth. Why did I nearly kill Aeris with my own sword? Why did I give Sephiroth the Black Materia? The world’s on the brink of the apocalypse and I’m to blame. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I control myself? Again I ask myself: What kind of man have I become?
She cries
Don’t fall away
And leave me to myself
Don’t fall away
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands
Love lies bleeding
I can’t sleep peacefully anymore. If it’s not the headaches, it’s the dream of Aeris’ death. I can feel the weight of her lifeless body in my arms, looking into her sightless eyes, never again glowing with that unique radiance, and feeling the blood leak over my gloves. My body goes numb, then hot with rage. Tears make my eyes bleary. I want to kill Sephiroth, by myself. Before our swords crash against one another, the scene begins from the start in an endless loop. No resolution. Strange when dreams mirror life so accurately.
And I wanted
You turned away
You don’t remember
But I do
You never even tried
Every time she looked at me, she turned away, like she had just done something wrong. I wasn’t part of her crowd; I wasn’t cool enough. She was ashamed. But I showed them. I became a First Class SOLDIER. I wasn’t the weak link anymore. And now she looks at me totally different, like she’s proud of me, proud of who I’ve made myself into. I’m proud too, in a way. Now I’m who I wanted to be, who she wanted me to be. But I’m still my own person. Aren’t I? Every time I bring up the old days she turns away just like she used to, shame in her eyes, pretending she doesn’t remember. I know she’s lying; she can’t have forgotten how she acted. Can’t say I blame her. If I could forget, I would too. I just can’t though, no matter how I try. Some memories just stay with you.
Don’t fall away
And leave me to myself
Don’t fall away
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
Sephiroth is the reason that Aeris is gone and now I’ll never know what might have been. I won’t be the reason that Tifa slips away from me, not after everything I’ve gone through for her. I did it all for her. I’m not gonna pass up whatever chance we may have. I never liked being alone. When I saw Tifa and her little clique, and I sat in my room by myself, I hated it. I cried, a lot. Where are they all now? Probably grew up to be the losers I always saw them as. And now I’m all Tifa has left. And she’s all I have left. Funny how things work out. The only person she can turn to is the kid she pushed away. But now everything’s changed. Now she’s reaching out to me, like I always did to her. It’s weird. I can almost hear her voice now, calling out to me, calling me back from here…
~Fin~