A Fanfic Reader's Worst Nightmare
The Personality Gap
Greetings once more, readers. All right, I swore I wouldn't touch the FF7 fanfic section, but after reading so many of the interesting stories on Icy Brian's page, I just couldn't help myself.
Oh, and in case you haven't figured out by now, this is a parody. A sort of story which gathers its satire from various subjects, whether it be real issues, or specific elements I acquire from certain things *coughcoughotherfanficscough*.
Inspired (to a certain extent) by my friend Black along with other fanfic writers (who'll probably grill me when this is over), this story takes place after the party's adventure. In a horribly spat-out explanation, the gang is slowly adjusting to their lives on the new rebuilt surface of the planet. We open to the scene where Cloud and Tifa are spending a rather intimate evening having hot, wild, spine-shattering se cond thoughts about where to have their picnic the following day. (I have to censor some of this for the sake of certain zentraedi-like dullards)
"Mmph! Oh Cloud!!" Tifa squealed. She reached up and bit on his ear.
Cloud let out a chuckle. "Come on, Tifa," he said, pushing her away from such a tender spot. "We'll be doing plenty of eating tomorrow at our picnic. It'll be fun! Vincent and Yuffie and Nanaki and everyone else will be joining us!"
"But I don't think they'd be as good as you," the girl pouted. "Before anything, I want my dessert Cloud pie. Tee hee."
As the couple kissed-
"Couple?" Tifa repeated the word which had been spoken by none other than the narrator. She pulled away from Cloud with a mixed expression. "Hey, Cloud "
"Why are we making love ly prepared food dishes anyway?"
"'Cause I like you?"
"I thought you liked Aerith."
"You mean Aeris, don't you?"
"Oh yeah Aeris. I thought you liked her too."
"Oh. Well, I liked you first. Filling Zack's shoes was more or less responsible for my infatuation with her."
"Oh, I see." Tifa got up and walked up to a counter. With a mischievous expression, she turned around and picked up a long, narrow can. "Hey Cloud why don't we toss some whipped cream in there too?"
Cloud's eyes widened in horror. "Tifa! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever-" He stopped in mid-sentence, getting the sudden feeling that had somehow been stated before. "I mean, you do remember where that's been, don't you?"
Tifa glared at him fiercely. "This is another can, you stupid *&$#!"
Cloud only kept his shocked stare.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Cloud! You know how my temper gets sometimes "
I do? thought Cloud in confusion. "Uh I never knew you had a temper? Oh well, it's no biggie anyway. And uh you know I'm getting lonely over here."
Tifa gave him a sympathetic look. "Cloud, you look sad. Do you want a teddy bear?"
Cloud stared back in disbelief. (for censorship purposes, I can only say she isn't talking about giving him your basic stuffed animal)
"Aw, why aren't they here yet?!" The teenage girl stamped her foot and whined.
" " Vincent closed his eyes and thought about his long lost significant other. Either that or the giant meatball sub promised to him that was mercilessly snatched away from him at the last moment. Either way, he was feeling pretty down. His eyes narrowed as he remembered his conversation with Tifa that morning. Damn her and Cloud with their sudden food fetishes in the bedroom. Now he would have to settle for caviar and a seven-course lobster dinner, succulently prepared with the finest white wines and Cajun seasonings.
He frowned again. They'd better not have eaten up all the damn pie either.
"Shut up already, Puffie," Nanaki growled. "You're a total brat even when you're not around! Why, if Grandpa were here, he's surely teach you a thing or two-"
"It's 'Yuffie,' Nanakiiiiiiiiii!" she whined in response. "Why do you always hate me? Have I given you a reason to be so mean? Ever since our adventure ended, you're constantly putting me down, calling me names, making me feel so horrid .why?!?!"
"It's because " Nanaki started. "It is they who make me do so."
"I'm not sure. Ever since our quest ended, it's as though someone's trying to write the story of my life. And not just one person agh, I feel so torn. Oh, and by the way, why do you keep calling me Nanaki? You've always addressed me as Red."
"Umm " Yuffie was lost in thought. "Gawd. I dunno. It feels like someone's making me or something "
All three stared at each other in uncomfortable silence.
"Okay, we're here!" Tifa called cheerily, standing beside Cloud and an uncomfortable Barret, who was wondering what the hell made him want to travel alongside the eccentric-natured couple. She stepped up to her friends, holding a large basket with a red-and-white checkered cloth poking out of the front flap.
Nanaki's eyes widened in excitement. "All right! Food!" Without warning, he reached up to clamp his jaws on the piece of fabric. Yanking it away, he proceeded to digest it in its entirety.
Tifa's jaw dropped. "Nanaki, you retard! That was the tablecloth for the picnic!"
Nanaki blinked and stared back at Tifa. "Oh oops. Sorry." He then belched up a set of handcuffs, not even taking note of their presence, let alone of their purpose.
"Yeah, Nanaki," Yuffie threw in. "Only retards would eat the actual tablecloth instead of the food. You retard!"
Nanaki cast the teen girl a dirty look. "Hey, I'm only human."
"No you're not, retard!"
"You know what I mean, brat!"
"Don't make me steal your materia again! Gawd!"
"Hey, what the &$#@* is going on here?! I come here expecting a fine $?@* picnic, and all I $@?* see is you &$#@* having this #$*& retarded conversation!!!! What the &$#* is wrong with all you $?@$#@&($@#&$@?($#&@$?@(*?!!??!?!"
"Sorry, Cid!" Yuffie and Nanaki simultaneously shouted in apology. They turned to the hot-tempered man only to gasp in surprise.
Shera cleared her throat and stepped forward, polishing her glasses. "The Captain is unable to share his words at this time. Therefore, I speak for him." Her words took a cold tone.
An uneasy Cid leaned on a cane, wincing in pain and forcing a half-smirk. He waved weakly to his friends, and limped over to Cloud, pretending all was dandy.
"Uh, Cid?" Cloud began. "What happened to you?"
"Ungh " Cid groaned, keeping his voice a pained whisper. "I pushed Shera over the line 'til she pushed her foot in my manhood *#&$@ man, I didn't know she wore a steel-toe!"
Cloud shook his head and sympathetically put a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Anyway, I have a spare tablecloth here," Shera offered. She reached into her bag and set the large plain blue material on the grass.
Tifa began to place the contents of the basket onto the cloth, when she stopped. "Hmm, this is a lot of stuff to take out "
"Want some help?" an ecstatic, familiar voice shot out of nowhere. Aerith skipped up to the entire group, sporting a rather cheesy grin. "Hey, Tifa, need any help? Hee hee hee!"
Everyone stared at Aerith in shock not believing their eyes.
"What?" asked Aerith, the smile melting away. Then it clicked in place. "Oh, I get it. You're all wondering how I was revived and put here. Well, let me tell ya, hee hee, life in the lifestream is one hell of a-"
"Aerith, I can't believe you're wearing a new dress!" Tifa cried. "I mean, that pink gown and red cardigan were soooo last season!"
"Well, when you're in the lifestream for that long, phew!" Aerith let out another exaggerated giggle. "But I'm back, and can't wait to start what I had going with Cloud! Hee hee hee hee hee!!!!"
A broad grin formed on Cloud's lips. "Hmm "
"Don't even think about it, Aerith," Tifa snarled, moving herself to a standing position.
"It's Aeris, you dullard!" the voice was spoken by none other than an agitated reader.
The entire group stopped and looked around them as if to search for the source of the voice, which had been intended to be hidden. Aerith then brought her gaze back to Tifa.
"Why not?" she inquired, and then turned starry-eyed. "Why, I remember when Cloud and I went out on our date "
"Look, candyass," Tifa snapped. "I won Cloud over when you conveniently died, you #*&$@."
"Watch your mouth, you &@*#$ Hooters reject!" Aerith shot back. "Cloud and I shared something special before I died!"
"But he's always &$*@# loved me, so get that through your &$@#* head, mmmkay?!"
"Tifa, what the $@*? is your problem? Did you get up on the wrong $?@* side of the &$#*@ bed this &@*$# morning?!"
"Why the &@*$# do you keep on cussing?!"
"Why the #&$@* do YOU keep on cussing?!"
Silence fell over the two ladies as Tifa seriously pondered Aerith's words.
"I " Tifa started. "I don't know. For some strange reason, ever since our adventure ended, people especially author types seem to portray me as some foul-mouthed slut of a character. Maybe maybe I just, I don't know, proved them right." She gazed at Aerith with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Aerith. Forgive me?"
Not a second passed when Aerith hastily cheered, "Okay!" then the two ladies hugged.
Suddenly, a vortex appeared out of nowhere, and a silver-haired man tumbled out, sniffling.
"Sephiroth?!" cried Aerith. "Aren't you done with me yet?"
"What the-" Sephiroth wiped his eyes and looked upon Aerith. "I thought I killed you!"
"And I thought we killed YOU," Cloud snorted.
"Aerith, you're a low down wretched piece of crap!" Sephy immaturely stated, then cried some more. "Where's my mommy?!"
"I'm right here." With no explanation, Jenova floated downward to Sephiroth.
"No, I'M right here." Lucrecia also made her way to Sephiroth.
Aerith skipped over to the trio. "I'm here too. Hee hee." Then without warning, the young cetra summoned a bolt of lightning, instantly killing Lucrecia.
Vincent looked up from his lunch in shock. "Aerith!" he scolded.
Aerith's face grew hot. "Oh. Sorry, Vinny!"
He groaned in exasperation. "If you were going to hold a barbecue, you should've told me! I wouldn't have wasted my time trying to eat this fifth-rate restaurant crap!"
Tifa gave Vincent a rather rancid look. "I heard that!"
Jenova uttered a cry of terror. "You killed Lucrecia so you could turn her into barbecue?!" she shrieked, letting out a few hysterical sobs.
Aerith suddenly whipped out a knife and slashed Jenova's throat for no apparent reason at all. "There, she's dead now."
"Oh, well, that's great," snapped Sephiroth. "Now who'll be my mommy?"
A giant shadow loomed over him. "I can be your mommy if you promise to play nicely with Marlene," Barret offered.
"Hmm " thought Sephy. "Well, okay!" He took Barret's hand, and then the two pranced off merrily in the distance.
"Oh no! A second comet that no one on this planet would ever have any warning of soon enough so we could evacuate or something!" Cloud cried, pointing upward.
Everyone screamed in horror as the planet was quickly obliterated, leaving only a few strips of land and an escape rocket Cid had conveniently built prior to the picnic.
As the smoke cleared, Aerith emerged. "And now there is nothing left of the planet," she said dramatically, as if her words were said at a precise or meaningful moment. "Everyone is dead."
"Not me," Yuffie spoke. "And that's weird 'cause for some reason everyone wants me dead. Gawd, I just never understand it. You steal someone's materia just one time, and then suddenly everyone's branded you for life. For crying out loud, it's not as if " She went on and on.
"Wha?" Aerith was stunned. "You and Vinny are still alive? Well, let's escape! There's nothing left for us here now!"
"Yeah, that's true," Yuffie agreed. She then scuffed her shoe on the ground. "Not even one lousy piece of materia hidden in Tifa's funbags. I guess she was all real." She let out a disappointed sigh.
"Hey Yuffie, wanna get hitched?" Vincent suddenly said for no reason at all. "I-I mean, you know, no one else left, planet blew up and all "
Yuffie eyed him warily. "Um, hello? I'm only 16, and you're like, what, 40-something?"
"Oh. Then why don't you marry Aerith?"
"I'd rather not marry the undead."
"Okay then! Let's go!" Yuffie grabbed Vincent's hand and the two hopped in the rocket and flew off to the next inhabitable planet and got married, where Aerith somehow found a way to join them there as well. And they all lived happily ever after until the comet turned right back around and killed everybody except for Yuffie.
Oops, no, wait. Vincent survived too. At least, long enough to travel with his new wife to the next world and populate it with a bunch of little Yuffies, who married a bunch of other people in that world, so that Yuffie would always live on. YUFFIE FOREVER!!!
Thanks to Black for inspiring me with his story, "Every Single RPG and RPG Crossover in Existence." And also thanks to some Kighr person who graced us with his spirited, well-stated comeback, a certain Lavos Core and almost every FF7 author on this page for their (involuntary) contributions and ideas. Hope no one is too mad at this parody.