Trades Chapter 4
Sour Apples
By Minmei
"Another glass of wine, please," Apple wearily requested of the waiter.
"Right away, miss."
"Urrgh..." Resting her elbows on the table, she brought her head down, running her hands through her hair. The act disturbed the bun keeping her hair back, and it became loose. With another low cry, she removed the pins holding the hairstyle, putting them on the table with annoyed force. Smooth, light brown strands spilled down her back, some to the front of her shoulders, framing her face.
"It's all so ridiculous," she muttered to herself. "Those jerks...I mean...did the whole State feel the same way, too? Then why keep me as long as they did..."
"Well, at the time, she was all they had. You settle for whatever you can get, I guess..."
"Yeah, of course. If they had better options, anyone else who gave a damn, anyone who wasn't a coward...and wasn't inept like this sorry strategist..." Her words took a bitterly sarcastic turn. Groaning yet again, she buried her face in her hands.
"Miss?"
"Huh...?" Turning, she lifted her head to see the waiter had returned.
"Your wine." Oblivious to her mood, the man set the goblet down, and then retrieved the empty one before he left again.
"Ehh..." Apple unenthusiastically reached forward, pulling the glass toward her by the crystal stem. "I don't even know why it's bothering me so much, anyway. It's over, isn't it? It's over." She frowned. "No thanks to me." Lifting the wineglass, she downed its contents in one gulp.
Immediately she gagged on the strong liquid, letting out a cough or two. Binge drinking wasn't something she was especially talented at. She couldn't recall having had a drop of alcohol within the past couple of years, and now here she sat, with two glasses of wine down in under five minutes. Granted, they were half glasses, but with only a few bites of food, they weren't having the best effect.
Her stomach began to churn, and she uttered a wretched laugh. How long could she keep this up? Of course, any physical ailment would be the least of her miseries at the moment. "All I wanted to do was a good job...that's all. That's all. It's not like I was asking to be appreciated for what I did..."
"Miss?" queried the waiter, who seemingly reappeared out of nowhere.
Though it was expected, his presence startled Apple. "Wh- y-yes?"
"You've barely touched your food...did you want to send it back? Or did you want something else?"
"N-no," she responded, her face involuntarily flushing. The alcohol was already working its magic.
"Another glass of wine, then?" he asked, stupidly more focused on the service rather than on her health.
"Yeah," she said, nodding. It wasn't that she truly desired it, but perhaps it was a method of lulling her soured emotions...or maybe just drowning them out entirely.
"Miss?" the waiter's voice called a few seconds afterward.
Back again! "What?!" she snapped, turning to him.
The man was taken aback. "Err, nothing...hehe, nothing, don't worry." He quickly headed off to the kitchen.
"Yeah, nothing," she scoffed a moment later, and then lowered her voice to a whisper. "It's always nothing. God, I'll be so happy when this night is over..." Though by now, she had completely forgotten about Shu's return to Radat. And she had been so absorbed in her own self-pity that she wasn't picking up on anyone's conversations about it.
The contents within her stomach felt as though they began to boil, and it served only to make her feel worse. It was only a matter of time she would begin to break a sweat. Feeling slightly woozy, she brought her elbows back down, her head dropping once more. She didn't notice the waiter had come back and set the drink on the table next to her. Of course, given her previous reaction to him, it was understandable the man would avoid further communication with her as much as possible.
"No more...complaints about...something that's long been over..." She lifted her head to see the full glass on the table. "No more talk of...failures..." Her eyes blurred as she stared into the goblet. All she could see in it were those failures, the shames to cleanse herself of. Crimson liquid...surreal yet absolute truth...swirling red and the dizzying lights, all composed the color of their blood...
The blood she helped to spill...
"Uh..." There was a slight pain in her heart, but she did her best to suppress it. After all, she'd been doing nothing but keeping herself from going to pieces about it since then, hadn't she?
Right... Apple held the glass to her lips and steadily consumed alcohol beverage number three. Maybe if she tried hard enough, she could drink it all away.
The fifth drink vanished and, amazingly, she still paid no attention to what effects it was having on her. What held captive her mind was still the more important...it still persisted, nagging at her soul, reminding her...
I failed...
So shamefully...
And still, nobody noticed. Certainly not the waiter with ten other active tables...though it wasn't really his fault. It was nobody's fault...except her own. The men from the inn said so, after all.
I...I failed...
But maybe that was best. If they weren't noticing her now, maybe they wouldn't be as cruel as those men. If they were more focused on Shu now...
Her expression changed to one which was horrified. Shu...oh God, I forgot... However, the feeling momentarily relaxed to give way to more bad memories.
...I remember when Shu chided me on my failure. It was a terrible feeling, but I tried not to let it show. Because it was then that my mission was not for me, but for the fate of the entire country...
"How many people died? Do you even know?" were his words.
Yeah, Shu. I did. I told you I did. Although I'm pretty sure you knew the answer before you even asked. Still, to know...to know that...that you...
Nausea finally descended upon her in that moment. "Ohh..." Her vision underwent the occasional blur, but still, she was not considering it a problem. Somewhere between the third and fourth drink, she felt her body temperature flare up. And the sicker she got, the more bad things she would remember...or perhaps it was the other way around. She couldn't tell anymore.
But the worst feeling of all from a failure of that magnitude...no, perhaps just of a failure...was knowing I...I failed him. The one who built up my mind so that I wouldn't be such a disappointment. Frowning, she rested her forehead against her palm, her eyes lowered.
I don't know how many times it crossed my mind. How would the Master feel today, knowing what I had done, what I had failed to do? He was to me the greatest mind in what I studied...one of the most respected souls, not to mention a soul that went out of its way to respect me...and...
She closed her eyes, head bowed. All I could do in return was desecrate his memory with my failure.
Her expression gradually disclosed her sorrow as she remembered more and more. And as if a silly little scrapbook of his life could make up for any of it...but...my God, I'm just kidding myself. Nothing can make up for anything that happened. Nothing can bring him back...
And certainly nothing...can...
She swallowed hard. No. I won't go there. It's enough. I need to get out of here. It's...enough and I don't...I don't feel well. Besides, it's not as though he'd care enough to remember, either...ugh...
Feverish and downhearted, the young woman attempted to rise from her seat. However, the weight she felt upon her head...
And before she knew it, she was helplessly falling back into her seat. Aaa...head feels so heavy...and...and...
She brought her hands to her face. The room...why is it...spinning...so fast? The dizziness and nausea began to attack her at a higher degree as she became more aware of her physical state. What did I...why did I...ohhh...
Indeed, she hated this feeling. And the more she hated it, the worse it became. Inwardly protesting to the alcohol-induced discomfort only sent her heart rate soaring, and she began to tremble. I just need to...just need...stop...just stop...I-I can't...
So much wine in her system now...why hadn't she taken care of any sort? She was still conscious, but this was the worst feeling in the world, even worse than the way it felt being ridiculed by those men. The alcohol in her stomach would not cease burning, her heart would not stop palpitating, her body temperature continuously rising...
Stop...
S-so dizzy...
L-let me...just need to re...rest for...
Agh...! She started breathing hard, something short of sobbing, as her illness seemed to increase tenfold. Oh God, I can't...! Can't stand it anymore...
"Yeah, Shu was in here earlier," she heard the waiter telling a customer a few tables down.
"That's great. Is he going to be back tonight? I was hoping that I..." The severity of the woman's condition caused the customer's voice to be drowned out. She was still shaking, with so much on her mind, so much in her system, so much sickness, and thoughts that only became more irrational by the minute, and now, being cruelly reminded of this...
"N-no..." she wailed in a volume scarcely audible. Such a weak protest against the whole of the situation. So weak, just as she had been, and now...
She lowered her hands and fell victim to the pain that refused to leave, even under the command of those five wineglasses. Emotional anguish still cutting past her physical illness, and most certainly adding to it. Unable to hold back any longer, her face at last revealed her despair. "Shu......"
It was then she burst into tears.