Reunion Chapter 23
By Janet Monstwillo
Lucrecia is my paternal grandmother, yet I see little or no similarities between us. She looks at me like she knows me well, which I find a little creepy, considering I had never met her before Vincent brought me here...
(The first week was basically one long awkward pause. I swear, I have never felt so uncomfortable in all my life. Vincent said that Lucrecia had experienced something similar to me, but I don't believe that at all. Because you see, Lucrecia's situation was caused by her own free will. She had some idea of what she was getting into before she ever decided to do it. I, however, was forced into this. I had no choice. In fact, it was her past actions that have more bearing on my situation than any of mine. She is the reason I exist, but she is the reason I suffer.)
Today Lucrecia asked me who the father of my baby was. Somehow I don't feel like divulging all the facts surrounding the conception. It's like she's trying to look inside my soul. She's attempting to be empathetic, but it doesn't work. She can't understand me. Even if I tried to explain the situation, I know she'll just look at me like it was my fault. But I'm not like that. I was never like that. I'm not just some whore...
(And I've realized, that's what's been bugging me. I have this guilt, deep inside, because of my confused feelings and Cloud's rape. Am I a whore because I had my kids by Reeve and I'm having another now, with a different father? I know that isn't particularly my fault, but I'm accountable for my actions with Reno, to say the least.)
It took her three weeks, but Lucrecia finally asked me about Yuffie and Vincent's relationship. I don't know if what I told her made her happy or sad. That's because I don't know if she wants Vincent, or if she wants Vincent to be happy. Her whole attitude seemed melancholy, but then again, her mood is always melancholy. If I was her, I'd be melancholy. If I had made the conscious decision to bring a monster into this world...
(Because this wasn't by my choice. I don't think it was even by Cloud's. I don't know. Maybe this had to happen. If only I had a feeling of hope, not dread... If only I hadn't have been praying for a miscarriage from day one... Maybe I could have hope. Now all I have is this terrible foreboding, which maybe I created. Maybe I made a monster by not having faith in the seed of humanity.)
Some days I can feel the strength of this baby as it dwells inside me. I don't doubt that it's alive, or healthy. I try to will some messages into its infant mind. Images of love and peace and hope. Sephiroth never heard his mother's voice, never felt his mother's touch. Maybe that could have saved him.
(That brings the blame back to Hojo. After the birth, it all was out of Lucrecia's hands. Hojo made a monster. And he was proud. He was so proud to call that monster 'son.' The defilement of a man. The destruction of humanity, and he still called Sephiroth 'son.' Would that I have had him for a father... Maybe Tseng's love and devotion were the only things that saved me from insanity...)
Lucrecia, she stares at me writing in here, but I have to record this... My mind has been getting hazy and I have visions...terrible portents...
(I will never again have this state of mind. I want to be able to remember later, how I felt now, because that may give me a clue if there's ever another problem for me down the road...)
Today, Reeve called me on the PHS even though he had promised Reno that he wouldn't. Actually, he didn't seem to feel very badly about it. Apparently, he thinks that his desires are more important than his promises to his friend... But what am I bad-mouthing Reeve for? Later that day, Reno called me, after he had promised Reeve that he wouldn't call me, either. The calls made me feel homesick. I wish I was back in Junon, Undor-Hai...anywhere but here. This cave may be a safe place to hide, but there is no warmth here. One sad, disillusioned woman spent years here, waiting to die. Is this any place for a baby, even this one, to be born?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Are you feeling okay...Raieyana?"
I looked up, slightly annoyed. "I just..." Another crampy feeling washed over me. "Well, what do you want?"
Lucrecia was peering at me, concerned. "If you get some 'pain' again in about fifteen minutes, that probably means you're in labor. You told me you'd been through this before, so there shouldn't be any problems."
Fifteen minutes, another contraction. "Can you get me the PHS?" I just had to call Reeve. And Reno.
Lucrecia shook her head. "I can't believe you. You're going to be just fine. Maybe you were in a hospital the first time, but..."
I cut her off. "I don't think I was conscious the first time. But that's not the point. I have someone I have to talk to. Just because you don't have anyone left who gives a damn about you doesn't mean that I'm alone in the world." I regretted it the minute I said it. But what she had said, it was condescending. She was treating me...like a child.
Silently, she got the PHS and walked back over to me. She handed it over with a cold glare. I just ignored her.
"Reeve?" My voice was barely above a whisper.
"How's it going..." He paused, probably unsure as how to address me. Hon, Ray, Raieyana...
"I...I'm in labor." My voice wavered. "I'm scared, and I don't want to do it here. The delivery."
"Ray, you know that if it was up to me, you'd be at Junon Medical Center right now."
The contractions were coming closer together now. I knew I was probably sounding like a little girl, but I really didn't care. "I want you to come here."
"You, Reno, Vincent, anyone. I'm scared, Reeve, and I'm here all alone."
"What about Lucrecia?"
"She's worse than a stranger. Because I know that she's partly the reason I'm here right now."
"I'd love to come, but Reno wouldn't let me come alone, and we can't both leave. Hang in there, Ray. As soon as you're well enough, leave the baby with Lucrecia and come here."
"Leave the baby?"
"Remember, safety in separation. It can't be too much longer now, anyway. Keep the faith, all right? I love you."
The PHS clicked in my ear. He had hung up before I could give a response to the last statement. He didn't want to hear it. He was probably right. I was in no state to decide where my love lied. The time had come at last. The culmination had come; it was time for the supernova.
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