Loves Labor Lost
Where is it that dreams end and reality begins? What sours and twists them before they can cross into the waking realm? Why do our aspirations and expectations never come to pass as we imagine them countless times? Why arent we allowed to see the truth of what is truly transpiring until it is too late?
If only I knew the answers to such questions....perhaps it would be a comfort to me this lonely evening. Maybe I could find a little peace. For the both of us.
Sighing for what feels like the millionth time tonight, I roll over in bed to face your sleeping form, mere feet away from me in your own bed in this little hotel room. Even in sleep, you are denied peace....your face holds a frown as some unpleasant dream grasps your mind. I want to comfort you....but the fear of being rejected yet again stings my heart and holds me back.
The memory of that day....every time I hear your voice, the words you said to me ring in my ears. The pain that tore me apart....I couldnt even breathe, much less respond to your cruelty. All I could do was run....while the agony burned me up inside and the tears I thought I couldnt cry streamed from my one good eye. Ill never forget that day.
I thought I was doing the right thing....we thought we were doing the right thing. Raijin and I....we foolishly thought that it could make you see what was happening, what youd let yourself become. As it turns out....we were more delusional than you were, trapped in your twisted dreams. Idealistic fantasies gone awry....perverted by that witch whose name I cannot bear to even say to myself. She ruined them....ruined you.
They say love is blind.....but I know its not. I may only have but one eye, but I see clearly. I see everything. You keep yourself hidden from the world, but I can see into you like no one else. I see all your faults, all the good qualities you try to deny. Your hopes, your dreams, your pain. Youre not perfect.....far from it, in fact....but in spite of all of it, I love you. There, I said it. I love you. Thats why I sacrificed my own dreams to support yours....why Ive stood by you in your worst hours....until I just couldnt anymore. Couldnt stand by while you were transformed from the strong man I fell in love with into her pathetic puppet.
Its you thats blind. Blind to everything Ive done for you, the many ways Ive tried to express the feelings in my heart. When you only speak in fragmented sentences, its hard to show love. I thought my actions would be enough. But blind as you are, you never really saw them. Never saw me.
And yet....you wont even look me in the eye anymore. But you havent apologized either. I dont know how I feel about that. Mixed signals. I want to forgive you for what youve done....but a part of me wonders how long I can continue to let you do this to me. Love doesnt always last forever....I dont know how long mine can. How long I can keep forgiving before I finally break, my long efforts at making you see what....who has been waiting patiently for you all these years at last fruitless. Loves labor lost....what more can I do?
I can only wait for so long....take so much....before its too late. I only hope you can cast away your blindness before that happens.