Princess Nadia's School for the Hopeless

By The Ionic Butterfly

Attention to all the RPG heroes of the world!

Have you ever been sitting at home just living your heroic life when you suddenly receive word that your Princess has been captured? Maybe you found out on your journey to save the world. And maybe it was your sister or your girlfriend rather than your Princess. Who knows? She's missing and it's up to you to save her.

How would you like us to say we can help you? Would you like us to arrange it so that you can save the world without the distraction of a lovely female? Would you like us to save the girl?

If you answered yes to any of the above, then have we got a surprise for you! Introducing Princess Nadia's School For the Hopeless, a school that you can enroll your lady in to teach her how to fend for herself. We've gathered the strongest heroines from all the RPG worlds and brought them to our school to teach young ladies how to kick butt for themselves rather than relying on you to do it for them. We offer a variety of classes that will teach and/or strengthen a young woman's abilities to stand up to any villain or evil being trying to destroy your world. Give us a month and your lady just may be saving your world herself rather than relying on you!

Our teachers love teaching young women to kick butts and take names. Our weaponry classes will teach any basic fighting skills she wants to learn. She can learn basic swordplay from Celes Chere and Jessica de Alkirk, or archery from Fresca. Claire Redfield teaches handgun usage. Yuffie Kisaragi is our oriental weapons expert and Mia Ausa teaches a wonderful class on both offensive and defensive magics. And of course, she can also learn how to kick some major assage in hand-to-hand combat training with Tifa Lockheart and Ayla as her instructors.

But wait, there is more! These aren't the only classes we offer. Each teacher has their own specialty field and is glad to share their wisdom with your lady! Just imagine her in these classes.

Who better to teach a girl some self-esteem than Yuffie Kisaragi? This tough teacher offers a class dedicated to building up a girl's ego! She also shows ladies how to manipulate people into trusting you. Trash-talking their enemies is a great lesson to learn, and on this subject Jessica de Alkirk guest speaks. Even though stealing may not be a trick you want your lady to learn, Yuffie can teach them how just in case they ever get into a bind. Your lady will be acting like one tough cookie when she gets through in this class, although we can't recommend you ever calling her a cookie to her face again.

Lucca can teach any lady some metallurgy, or at least enough to where she can build her very own gun in times of need. Lucca even offers advanced classes for those interested in building their own protective robots. This class is a must for any young Miss Smith or Wesson out there.

Don't you hate when ladies crack under a bit of pressure? Well, Mia Ausa is here to change that. Mia has found ways to teach young ladies to keep their cool under enormous amounts of pressure. So the next time your world is about to end, she won't just stand there and scream. She'll actually help you. And just in case you've ever been a traitor to your cause yourself, Mia teaches the ladies how to forgive and even fall in love with traitors. Something she knows all about...

Even the owner of the school teaches a class. Princess Nadia, better known to friends as Marle, knows how to break the goody-two-shoes princess routine. She'll teach any princess about breaking curfew to save the world, and then how to argue with her daddy when it is all said and done. After all, time means a lot to her.

The lovely lady Jessica de Alkirk teaches ladies that they can be both a proper Lady and a fighter in the same body, it's all a matter of which foot to put forward and when. She teaches some manners and etiquette every lady should know, along with how to be a formidable opponent. She teaches the ladies to make this transformation in less than 3.7 seconds. Then she teaches them how to fight fair with a rascal of a boyfriend. Watch out for that one...

Sometimes it's hard for a girl to know who she is, and if Yuffie's class doesn't seem to help, Terra Bradford steps in. She knows what to do with girls who feel lost and aren't sure exactly what the hell they are. She can also teach how to love the world and appreciate everyone's existence. Her classes end with the ladies sitting in a circle holding hands and singing, "Kum Ba Ya."

Even Navi teaches a class. She actually teaches two classes at the same time. One teaches how to help a hero in his quest, while the other teaches how to be annoying to your hero in his quest. We're not quite sure how she does this at the same time, but unfortunately no heroes ever sign their ladies up for this class.

Celes Chere teaches ladies how to sing opera as a merely fun course. She also teaches them to fish. (We do not take responsibility for anyone dying after eating the fish Celes has caught or has taught anyone to catch.) And there may be sometimes that your lady isn't sure which side is the good side and which is the bad. Celes, along with joint teacher Phacia, will teach her how to turn traitor to the wrong cause with style. Regaining trust is taught by Yuffie, and forgiving is taught by Mia. Special guest speaker to this class is Nash. (He's such a weenie, we let him at least talk at an entirely girl school. Besides, Mia says we should forgive...)

Ayla teaches a few special classes. She teaches ladies to walk the dinosaur (in accordance to the old song). She offers a class in lamespeak. She will even explain to your lady why the Flintstones is not a funny show, but actual history.

The last classes offered are for advanced studies here at Princess Nadia's School. For the ladies that we make true heroines out of, a few drastic measure classes are offered.

Aeris Gainsborough will teach her, when all else fails and the bad guy has to kill someone, how to die with so much dignity that everyone will get mad at Square for not making a way for her to be brought back to life.

Tifa Lockheart teaches a type of psychology class just in case you, the real hero, ever goes insane. Tifa will teach her how to bring you back slowly to sanity so that you can finish off the "evil dude."

In case she does get captured again, one of our teachers has found a foolproof method of seeing to it that you will not have to chase the girl down. Schala will teach your lady to have a family member (i.e. a brother) do it for you. Seems like family members hooked on this method will go to the end of time to find the girl...

And just in case she ever has any dirty work she needs done that she does not wish to do herself, our last teacher offers a class on getting someone else to do it: her son. We cannot say that Jenova's methods have been proved effective however, for it seems she lost her son. But she did have him do a lot of dirty work for her while he was alive.

Our last class is simply for your enjoyment. Marle, Celes, Tifa, and Aeris band together to teach the ladies how to truly seduce the heroes of your world into doing virtually anything for them. These ladies are good at what they do, and we're sure you won't complain! Or wait. This class is supposed to be used to taunt villains...

Classes are held in Castle Guardia and room, board, and meals are taken care of in the tuition prices. Does this sound like something you'd like your girl to be a part of? Then write to us and we'll send you an application. We're looking forward to hearing from you! Remember, our motto is: Once a lady, always a lady, but opening up those cans of whoop-some-up is just much more fun!

Princess Nadia's School For the Hopeless

The Ionic Butterfly's Fanfiction