Yuffie's Little Escapade
By Tini
The Setup: Reno is in Wutai under orders to spy on Yuffie to see how she’s been doing. Rude and Elena were off checking on other AVALANCHE members, but returned to Wutai to check in with Reno. Reno has been bugging the hell out of Yuffie, but only because he really likes her. A lot. More than he wants to. Especially because this little brunette is making him change his ways, a thing he is not up to! Meanwhile, Yuffie has to wonder if she’s falling for everyone’s favorite redheaded Turk…So she sneaks into his apartment to vandalize the hell out of it. If he’s gonna piss her off, she’s gonna reciprocate, and have fun doing it!
.
Yuffie smirked as she entered the passcode to Reno’s apartment. Fool that he was, he had given her the code in exchange for, well, nothing at all! Yuffie smirked again. Gods bless her feminine charms. As she waited for the code to clear, she tugged on the backpack that was slung over her shoulder. She stooped in the hall as she checked her inventory. “Let’s see,” she said. “Shaving cream, toilet paper, feathers, spray paint. Not exactly your typical basket for granny.”
The code cleared and she stepped inside. Glancing around, she cursed under her breath. Damn him. His apartment was bitchin’! Why was it that she, the cute sweetheart, had a little hole in the wall, while this mean, bad, hot…Wait. Hot? Where’d that come from? Damn it, he must have cast manipulate on her.
She glanced around again. He wasn’t home. Good. She set down her basket of ‘goodies’ and walked around. Sitting on a counter was three glasses of what looked like orange juice. They smelled like orange juice too. Deciding that they must be orange juice, she drank them. God, breaking into apartments was thirsty work. Whoo! For some reason, her head began to spin. Why was that? Ah, well. She pulled out the shaving cream. What was it she wanted to write? Ummm.. “Hieee…..Reenoooo…. There,” she said, spelling out the words in fluffy shaving cream on his satin curtains. They were brand new, right? She hoped so. Something to finish it off…the shaving cream looked lonely. She pranced over to Reno’s fridge. “What could we use…” she pondered, going over its contents. “Champagne, wine, champagne, some sort of liquor, half-carton of an unidentifiable substance, oh! Chocolate syrup! She opened the bottle. Taking a quick look over each shoulder, she then remembered she was alone. “Hee- hee!” Opening her mouth and tilting her head back, she poured a good deal of the bottle in her mouth. “Mmm…chocolate.” Oops! She had spilt some on the counter. She dipped her finger in the puddle and licked it clean.
“I do hope you have the same ideas for that as I do!” Yuffie snapped her head around, sucking on her finger. She took it out of her mouth, a look of wide-eyed innocence on her face. Reno seemed to enjoy this, considering his eyes widened a good deal. “…Hi!” Yuffie ran to him, stumbling a good bit on the way. It wasn’t her fault! Whoever it was who was controlling the room, would not slow down the spinning! “Hi!” she said happily, throwing her arms around his stomach.
Reno was quite confused, until he saw the three empty glasses sitting on his bar. “Umm, Yuffie?”
She let go of him. “Whaaatttt?”
“Did you drink what was in those glasses?”
She grinned. “Noooo….oh, wait, yes. Yes I did.” Reno smacked his head into his hands. Oh no… He felt that he was in trouble, but somehow that his troubles were just beginning.
“That wasn’t just orange juice…” The little Reno-devil that lived inside his head and constantly told him what to do was giving him bad (or were they good? He could never tell.) ideas.
Reno… he told himself. Reno, man, here’s this young, drunk, brutally hot, female, in your apartment…You’re alone… Shall I spell it out for myself what I really should be doing?
“DAMMIT!” he cursed out loud, smacking himself. “Shut UP!” Yuffie shoved him away, stumbling a bit.
“You…you talkin’ to me, PUNK?”
“No, no Yuffie, that…that wasn’t just orange juice in those glasses…”
“I thought I tasted something!” She smacked her lips noisily. “Mango?”
“No...Vodka.” He tore his gaze from her lips and tried to find a safe spot to look. No, her chest was not the place to look.
“Ooo, I thought it tasted funny!”
“Yuffie, you need to go home.” Yuffie pouted. Reno was a sucker for pouty faces.
“Yuffie don’t wanna.”
“Yuffie, you are drunk. Go home,” he said, his small amount of self-control gradually deteriorating. She leaned forward, her shirt falling away from her neck.
Dammit, thought Reno. She’s not helping me any with this… He moaned slightly. Yuffie noticed.
“Aww…does your back hurt? I know!” She pranced over behind Reno. He had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen, yet did not try to stop it. Where did Reno-angel go? Was there a Reno-angel? He prayed for one. Who was he praying to? Yuffie made her way around to his back and began to massage it. “Ooh, you’re strong. And hard.”
“ PLEASE STOP IT, YUFFIE!” Reno jerked forward. What did I ever do to deserve this? He wondered.
“You don’t hafta yell.” She said in his ear. He was distracted by her breath on his neck. “We’re all alone.”
“Don’t remind me.” When had his voice gotten so husky? He took a shuddering breath and tried to think. Closing his eyes…NO! Don’t do that! Bad Reno! It’s much easier to picture things with one’s eyes closed, and picturing things was the last thing he wanted to be doing. But her hands felt so good…
“Reno, this would be a lot easier if you weren’t wearing a shirt…” Reno leapt off of his couch as fast as he could.
“Yuffie, you need to leave, now.” She pouted again. She honestly was not doing a thing to help him…
“Why?” she whined.
“Well, didn’t your daddy Godo ever tell you that when you love something, sometimes you have to let it go?”
“My daddy told me that when someone loves something, they give it every little bit of attention it could possibly ever want, why?” Reno bit his lip. Ever want… Dammit! Who kept telling him that? Wait, thought Reno as he pondered the last few sentences. Love…?
“Yuffie, do you…love me?” Yuffie went blank for a moment, pondering.
“Umm…No.” Reno sighed. There was time, and hope, yet. After all, she did have to think about it!
For some reason, the notion that Yuffie was completely and utterly blitzed had not even begun to cross his mind. Yuffie smirked, drunkenly of course, and popped a few ice-cubes from the ever-present champagne bucket in her mouth. She tapped him on the shoulder. “I got somethin’ to tell Reno!” Reno hoped it involved Yuffie now being completely sober, and deciding to go to bed. With him. Now. “Pay attention! Promise me you won’t tell him.”
Huh?
“Huh?”
“If I tell you, you can’t tell Reno!”
“Yuffie…” he began, and then thought better of it. She did know his name, after all, she had been calling him by it all night, and for the past three or four years he had known her. (Was she already twenty?) Maybe she was just confused…oh, wait. She was drunk. And information? For free? No Turk would pass that up! He did have some tact. After all, he hadn’t just gotten this job on looks alone.
“Alright Yuffie. Tell me, and I promise I won’t tell Reno.”
“Good.”
“Well…”
“Oh. Kay. I don’t love Reno.”
“Oh.”
“But…”
“But?”
“But I do think he’s really, really,” Sometime during this second ‘really’, Yuffie’s eyes had rolled back into her head. “HOT.” Reno gulped. He tried to say something dashing, the sort of thing he usually said. That was dashing, right?
“I…duhh…um?” was all that could come out. Whoopie, Go Reno. Yuffie flopped down on her back, still on the couch, her legs propped up. Reno tried to avert his gaze. Something about the way her shirt tugged in this position…and the way her legs were…yes. No! Yes? Reno put his thoughts aside. For later. Yeah, piped up Mr. Reno-devil. When you are ALL ALONE! Reno attempted to call up Reno-angel, but he was currently staring at Yuffie’s legs. Damn. He would have to go this one alone. Yuffie snickered.
“I wonder if Reno has as nice a body as I’ve imagined…” Wanna find out? He frowned. Shut up! No one asked you, devil-boy! Reno slapped his head. Why was he arguing with voices that weren’t real? He never had before. He had always thought their ideas were pretty good. Reno stopped dead as he replayed her voice in his head. As she had imagined?! Why had he taken up residence in her fantasies? Not that he minded, he just wondered how he had gotten there. Walking over towards the couch, he noticed Yuffie stretching sleepily…and ran directly into the wall. Ow… She heard the bang, and sat up.
“Hi! You hurt?”
“Just my pride.”
“Can I kiss it better?”
Reno gulped for what must have been the twentieth time that night. Both Reno-devil and Reno-angel had currently popped popcorn and were sitting in his head, thoroughly engrossed in the unfolding scene. Gee, thanks guys! He thought. However he couldn’t blame the angel. Had he ever even existed? Yuffie had now risen from the couch and was making her way towards Reno, who for the first time noticed she was wearing orange lipstick. Oh, good, orange, his Reno-angel told him. At least it’ll be discreet…
“What’ll be discreet?” he screamed out loud. Yuffie gave him a funny look.
“Who ya talkin’ to?”
“Just myself. Don’t worry. Yuffie…” he protested. This was completely wrong. She was, what, nine years younger than he was; she was drunk, she didn’t know, she was…kissing him, making a little squealing noise?
“Mmmm!” she squealed, her giddy squeal quickly turning into a moan as she deepened the kiss.
“Mmmm? Mmmm….”
Reno had never been so confused. His entire mind was telling him to stop, break away! And he wanted too, this was bad!
Then why did it feel so good?
Where was a distraction when you needed one?
Her hands slid down his neck and across his chest…
“RE-NO! For the third time, its Rude. Open the hell up! I know you’re home…” Reno quickly broke off, and stared at Yuffie for a split second. Coming to his senses a moment later, he ran to the door, about as coherent as a stoned walrus. “Dude,” began Rude, “Why are you wearing lipstick? Orange is most certainly not your color.” Reno gave him a quizzical look, then began wiping lipstick from his lips.
“Mm, sorry,” he muttered. “And you should talk,” he pointed out, directing a finger at the several red kiss-marks on his bald head. Rude looked worried.
“This isn’t about me. I have my reasons. There is no way I could have gotten my lips to my head. This is about you and your issues, man. My best friend is wearing Mystic Mango, and I want to know why.” Reno scratched his head.
“Um…”
“RUUUUUDE! Hiya!” Rude spent one moment recollecting his jaw from the floor, and another choosing his words very carefully.
“H-h-hello, Yuffie?” Yuffie beamed and ran to Reno’s bathroom. A moment later, she was heard giggling incessantly. Both men decided that they were better off not knowing. Rude looked at Reno accusingly. “Man, she is nine years younger than you. You could, no should, be arrested.”
“Actually, no.”
“What?”
“I’ve memorized the rules for that.”
“You are a sick man.”
“I know.” Yuffie ran out of the bathroom.
“Could I have a twenty?” Reno pulled twenty gil out of his wallet and handed it to Yuffie, refusing to look her in the eyes, or anywhere else, for that matter. A moment later a flushing sound was heard. Reno collapsed to the floor, twitching. Tonight had been hard on him. Yuffie pranced out of the bathroom, stumbling. She glanced quickly at the floor, and ignoring Reno’s condition, kicked him.
“Could I have a twenty?”
“No.”
“Could I have a fifty?” she asked. Rude shot her a look that would have knocked Jenova dead, and she scampered off. Reno looked at him, seriously contemplating suicide. Rude looked confused.
“Dude, what are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m seriously contemplating suicide!” Rude was worried about his friend, to say the least. Yuffie, who, since Reno had known her, had been lovingly referred to as “The chick with the legs,” was in his apartment. They were alone. She was, well, inebriated. Reno was torturing himself. Reno, who couldn’t stand it when he sat down before his cartoons came on, was voluntarily torturing himself. Why? For this, female. Rude grabbed Reno by the collar and shook his limp body repeatedly.
“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DEAR FRIEND RENO?!” Reno was shocked. Rude rarely spoke, much less yelled.
Just then Yuffie came into the room, giggling. “Can I have a-” Rude quickly pulled a stack of money out of his wallet and handed it to Yuffie.
“Take this. Have fun.”
Yuffie beamed. “Thanks! Whee!” As she stumbled back into the bathroom, Rude pulled Reno’s lifeless form into the kitchen. By the hair. Save for a slight ‘mph, ow,’ Reno had not minded that someone was not only touching his hair, but dragging him by it. Rude looked down at his friend.
“Reno.” No answer. “Reno.” Again, no answer. Rude picked up an ice cube and pegged it at Reno, hitting him squarely between the eyes. He clamped a hand over his nose and rolled onto his side.
“Reno, man, get your sorry ass up off the floor and talk to me!” Reno lay, perfectly still, staring at nothing at all. Rude poured his best friend a drink, handing it towards him. An arm came out of the mostly blue lump on the floor and reached for it. Standing up slowly, he grabbed the drink, (it could have been lighter fluid, he just needed something stiff,) and took a sip. Rude looked at him.
“So,” he began, raising one eyebrow accusingly, “what’s going on with you and Loopy the Chickadee?” Reno began to shake, then sweat.
“Ah…uh…oh…she-she-she’s KILLING ME, GODDAMMIT!” He threw the glass into a wall, shattering it. Rude’s eyebrows raised.
“Whoa-ho! Are we aware that we just smashed our favorite brandy glass?”
“Do we care?” Reno said through gritted teeth. Rude backed up a bit, just to humor him. He knew that if need be, he could take Reno down. At the moment, Reno was leaning against the counter, making a small sobbing noise into his hands. Except for the sobbing and the occasional sound of money being flushed, the apartment was completely silent. “Rude, is there a reason you are in my apartment?”
“Probably to keep you from crawling on the nymphette money-flusher…” Reno shot Rude a look that, could he have continued it indefinitely, would never have a need for his electro-mag rod again. Rude pondered what he had been saying. Sure, it wasn’t the kind of thing he wold have usually said, he usually wouldn’t have said anything at all, but this was too funny. If there was a way he could give Reno hell, he would. Reno continued his angry look a moment longer, then spoke, his teeth grit as hard as they could be.
“Wanna try that again, dear buddy?”
Rude snapped his fingers. “You know what? I do. Alright. I’m here because Laney sent me.” Reno shook his head, as if it would help him contemplate exactly what the hell was going on.
“What?”
“Laney wanted champagne, and said she knew you would have some.”
“Exactly who the hell is ‘Laney,’ and why does she know me? I don’t know her. I don’t know whether to be flattered or disturbed.” Rude turned pink all over his head.
“Yes, um, you do know her…” Reno pondered all of his ex-girlfriends. No Laneys. Could it be…no. Suddenly a whiny, urgent voice wafted down the hall and into Reno’s apartment.
“Rude? When are you coming back? I miss you so much!” Reno’s jaw dropped. Elena?
“ELENA??? Rude, why the hell is Elena in your apartment?” Rude placed a hand on Reno’s shoulder.
“Funny, I’d think you already knew. You see, when a man and a woman love each other…”
Reno smacked his head as hard as he could. “Gahh! No! Mental image! Rude, thank you.”
“For what?”
“Now I don’t have to worry about Yuffie. Any bit of turned on I was, has now completely gone.”
Just then, Yuffie pranced out of the bathroom, wearing one of Reno’s shirts. Unbuttoned.
Reno’s jaw went through the countertop. Rude slapped his friend on the back and grabbed himself a bottle of champagne. “See ya, bud. I’ll be taking this, and the chocolate syrup, if you don’t mind.”
Reno was staring directly ahead. “Look!” yelped Yuffie. “I’m Reno! Let’s have a drink! Hi Rude! Look at me, I’m Reno!” Rude contemplated this for a moment.
“No dear, Reno has nicer breasts,” he said, conversationally. Yuffie looked confused. Rude stooped so he could look her in the eye. “No, that’s not an insult to you, don’t even hurt yourself thinking it out. Buh-bye, Yuffie, see ya, Reno.” He walked out of the door, sliding it shut behind him. “Coming Mistress Elena!”
Reno shuddered for a moment, then continued staring. Yuffie looked puzzled. “What’re ya thinkin’ about?” Gulp. What could he say? Oh, just about how a very thin layer of red silk is all that’s between me and those…
“Nothing!” he blurted out. “Nothing at all!” Yuffie accepted this answer, (what else could she do,) and caught sight of Reno’s bed. Reno dropped to his knees behind the counter. Oh God Oh God Oh GOD! If you are there, at ALL, you will not let her go back there. Oh please oh please oh…
“Big bed! Yay!” Reno slammed his head on the sink and wished he had his cell phone. He had to call up his decency, self-control, and code of morals. They had all gone out to find a fourth for poker on his eighteenth birthday, and hadn’t come back since. He wished he had been nicer to them when they were around. He sure as hell needed their help about now.
He drew in a shaking breath, held it, and very slowly, walked back to his bedroom. Placing one foot in front of the other; step after step after step…
She stood on his bed, jumping. “Bouncy, bouncy, fun! Ha HAH!” Reno leaned against the wall and watched her. There was no way he was coming any closer to her. Yuffie stooped and picked up one of Reno’s black satin sheets. Tying it around her neck, she drew herself up to her full height of what, five foot three? She dramatically swept her ‘cape’ around her neck, declaring, “Mwa hah ha! I am the mighty Sephiroth! Bow, puny Turk!”
Reno couldn’t help but laugh. Here was Yuffie, the girl who didn’t even like reducing herself to doing her own laundry, wearing his sheets as a cape. The effects he had on women…or maybe it was just the alcohol. Either way, he had to admit, it wasn’t too bad watching a shirtless girl jump around on a bed while wearing black satin. Life, Reno decided, was good. Yuffie bent her knees, and jumped as high as she could. Smacking her head on the ceiling in the process. Reno ran to her as she crumpled on the bed.
“Yuffie? Yuffie!” She had a pulse, she was breathing, and her pupils weren’t messed up. She would be fine, right after she regained consciousness. Laying her on the bed, he walked numbly out to his couch. He lay out on it…
And was asleep before his head hit the cushions.
* * *
Reno woke up, feeling very odd. He took a quick mental inventory to make sure all parts of him were left. He had slept in his suit, but that wasn’t giving him the weird feeling. His hair was falling out of its braid, he hadn’t brushed his teeth and he was wearing orange lipstick. He felt more utterly gross, grimy, and disgusting that he ever had in his entire life, but…
He wasn’t hung over.
It was the first time in a very long time for Reno that he had woken up without a blazing hangover.
Which meant…
Had he stayed sober last night? Yes, yes he had. Then why did he have this underlying feeling that something strange had happened? Something that he would be very happy when he remembered. He glanced sideways, expecting to see the face of a young, beautiful woman. Yuffie, perhaps?
He saw a puffy grey cushion. He was on his couch. Why was he on his couch? Who, or what was in his bed?
* * *
A horrible monster was trying to attack Yuffie. It crept in silently, through the windows at first. Bits and pieces of the monster would slip through the cracks in the window and attack her, damaging her spirit more that anything. She rolled and blocked her head, to protect herself from the monster’s small attacks.
Suddenly the monster came at her, full force, with the power of a thousand summons. Yuffie let out a bloodcurdling shriek, hoping to drown her pain in her screams.
“Relax, Yuffie. It’s just sunlight.” Daring to face her now identified ‘monster,’ otherwise known as the sun, she peeked out from under the pillow she now held over her head. Standing in the doorway was Reno, arms crossed, looking smug as ever, despite his present condition. “You,” she began, realizing her voice sounded like a cat being beat, “look disgusting.”
“And you are radiant as always.” She reached to grab a small pillow to throw at him. Wait? Where were all her throw pillows? Was this even her room? She rolled over again, burying her face.
“Reno,” came her muffled voice.
“Yes, darling?”
“Don’t call me that. Where the hell am I?”
“My bed.” Yuffie shrieked again, this one louder and longer than the first. “YUFFIE!” Reno yelled, in a successful attempt to shut her up. Yuffie sat in a corner of the bed, a sheet pulled up to her chin. A look of sheer malice was in her eyes.
“Why?” she asked through gritted teeth. “What did I-er-we do?” Yuffie shuddered at the prospects. Sure, he was, like, totally gorgeous, but eww…
Reno went over his response in his mind a few times. “We did nothing, Yuffie.”
“Nothing at all?” she asked. Reno thought again. He couldn’t tell Yuffie what she had done, how she had kissed him, and…enjoyed it? It would embarrass the hell out of her, and somehow, he would get blamed for it. She would find a way. She always did.
“Nothing at all. I behaved myself.” Yuffie accepted this answer, but not with out a good deal of thought. Apparently the orange smudges all over his lips and cheek hadn’t registered in her fuzzy brain just yet. She glanced down at the shirt she was wearing. It was Reno’s.
“What happened to my shirt?”
“You took it off sometime after you flushed most of the contents of my wallet down the toilet.”
Yuffie’s eyes bugged, and she ran a hand through her messy hair. She lifted the sheet. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, and gulped. “And my shorts?” she asked nervously.
“Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and came in here. And I couldn’t let you sleep in them. You looked so uncomfortable…”
“AND…”
“And after I took them off, I folded them neatly and put them on the chair.” He indicated the chair. Sure enough, there were her clothes. “There they are, sitting neatly, not thrown across the room in a fit of passion. However, if that’s what you really want…”
Yuffie waved her hand in dismissal as she shuddered. “That’s quite alright. Wait, after you came in here? You mean you didn’t sleep in here?”
“No. I slept on the couch.” Yuffie looked down, thinking. Reno seemed not to notice and tossed her a toilet plunger. “I have to go to work now.” Yuffie caught the plunger and looked up at him, questioning.
“What’s this?”
“It’s the Ultima Weapon.” He paused as she looked confused and rolled his eyes. “It’s a plunger, genius!”
“For what?”
“There’s a bunch of twenties in my toilet thanks to you. I have to go to work, so get plungin’!”
Yuffie was shocked. “But- I! Hey, no!” Reno gave her a sympathetic look and walked over to her.
“Aww, poor baby. There’s food, or something like it, in the cupboard. Help yourself.” He kissed her forehead. “Buh-bye snookums. Reno-kins’ll be home soon!” As Reno walked out the door, he pretended not to notice the yellow sneaker that narrowly missed his head as it bounced off of the wall.
* * *
So whaddya think? A bit silly and insane, but it was hella fun to write!
I have plenty of serious writings, but this one was just so much fun! I asked
some friends of mine which one I should send in, and they said this, because
it seemed like I had the most fun writing it. And I did. Talk to ya soon,
Christine!
PS: I asked a lot of my guy friends about some of the stuff. They’re all too much like Reno, but not as cute!