Sorceress and Knight Chapter 10
And So They Depart
By Tsarmina
"Oh, good, we’re finally out of those disgusting sewers," Irvine sighed in relief.
"We need to find—" Quistis started.
"Super duper unfair!" Selphie wailed. She flew by them, smashing into Laguna. "My love!" she shrieked gleefully. "You’ll have to wait, though, ‘cause I super have to kill Rinoa!" She trotted off.
"UNWELL," Fujin observed as Laguna sat shuddering.
"He did have a nasty shock, ya know," Raijin pointed out. "She’s scary, ya know!"
"Squall… Don’t you think we should get her contained now?" Quistis asked.
"…What?" Squall asked, jerked into the world of awareness rather suddenly.
"Let’s end this," Quistis said succinctly.
"End what?" Squall asked, even more confused. Wait—she’s the one who’s always fought Rinoa for me, isn’t she? Or at least that’s what Rinoa says. Does she want me? Is she saying she wants to end the relationship with Rinoa? Or is she talking about something completely different? I—
"—and you’ll do the dirty work, okay?" Quistis finished.
"…Whatever," Squall improvised.
"Here’s the box. When she’s busy with Rinoa, sneak up and open it next to her. Got it?" Quistis handed him the black box labeled "Astatine". "Now, what did I just tell you to do?"
Squall frowned. "Sneak up behind Selphie and get Astatine into the box?" he hazarded. She was rather predictable the vast majority of the time.
"Good boy. Now go and do it," Quistis ordered.
Squall, resenting being called a "good boy", frowned and walked towards where the sounds of battle could still be heard.
"Do you think he’ll do a good job of it?" Irvine asked.
"If he’s anything like you—definitely not. Squall’s pretty capable, though," Quistis replied.
"Hey! What’s all this sudden dislike for me?" Irvine complained. "I thought you were into me!"
"I was into something," Quistis complained.
"You don’t even want a kiss?" Irvine lamented.
"Not from you."
"Why?" Irvine asked softly.
"One major reason is the creature you call a girlfriend."
"She’s not my girlfriend anymore!" Irvine protested. "Besides, she’s obsessed with Laguna, not me!"
Quistis folded her arms over her chest. "The hormones have worn off. Sorry."
"Is that all I am to you?"
"Yes, actually. I was feeling a little desperate there, but now I realize you make a rather disgusting choice now that I look back into things."
"You’re…so…cruel…" Irvine whimpered.
Fujin and Raijin, who had stood quietly listening to their conversation, nodded knowingly.
"That was so unfair, ya know?" Raijin complained.
"HE MORON. SHE MORON. GOOD MATCH. IDIOTS TOGETHER," Fujin commented.
"But she led him on—pretended something was there, ya know. I think she was just playing around with his heart as if it was a toy, ya know."
"TRUE," Fujin agreed. "HORMOMES."
"She’s evil, ya know. Just like Rinoa!" Raijin exclaimed.
"LOOKS ANGRY. SHOULD RUN," Fujin pointed out.
Raijin ran, hands in the air, as Quistis chased him. "You moron! You filth!!! Why are you comparing me to her?! I should kill you just for that, you speech-impaired imbecile!!!" she cursed.
Irvine slanted his gaze towards Fujin. "Hey, Fuu… You don’t mind if I call you that, do you? Now that we’re alone…"
Fujin stared at him, eyebrow arching and disgust apparent on her face. "RAGE," she snarled.
"Heh heh… Just kidding. Fuu? I promise—I’m kidding," Irvine whined.
"IDIOT. NO ‘FUU’. KILL YOU," Fujin pointed out rather calmly.
"Oh. Right… I won’t call you ‘Fuu’, okay Fujin? Better?" Irvine asked. "So… If that’s what made you mad… What about my other idea? We still are alone."
Rather than waste her breath on him, Fujin promptly kicked Irvine in the shin. He fell down, wailing and clutching his leg. "STILL ALONE. HAVING FUN?" she asked, feigning sweet innocence.
~~~
Squall crept near the wall of a building, peering around it to see Selphie and Rinoa battling. Or, well, some form thereof. It resembled a battle, in a sense. Plenty of screaming and fighting, but they seemed to be fighting with the surrounding area more than each other. Better stop this before they destroy the entire city with their idiocy.
Squall crept even closer and placed now-opened the box down, aiming it at Selphie. This had better work—if it doesn’t I’m going to take Seifer’s advice and just kill the pest… Then, at least, I won’t have to deal with her anymore. He was only half serious.
Selphie let out a shriek and the spell she was casting stopped before it was even produced. She wobbled a little, leaned towards the box. A wispy part of her was pulled away and Squall snapped the box closed.
"You meanie! What’d you do to me???" Selphie whined.
"Astatine is gone. She’s in the box," Squall replied, rapping the box with his knuckle. "And now this whole mess is done. I can go—"
"Twit twit twit! I’m not gone!" Selphie (well, Astatine) shrieked angrily. She raised her hands and attempted to cast a spell. "What…?"
Squall frowned, looking down at the box. I guess it only took away her powers…not Astatine the person.
Selphie reclaimed her body. "Super cool job, Squall! Astatine is powerless! Now I can take over the world without her!" She dashed towards the building. "See you later, suckers!" she cackled.
Squall could think of only one explanation for what happened next: Selphie must have believed she could still walk through walls. A fact that wasn’t true if one was to judge by the outcome. There was a loud thud and Selphie fell over backwards.
"Squall!" Rinoa exclaimed. She threw herself onto him. "I’m so happy we’re safe!" she gushed.
Squall frowned. There wasn’t even all that much to worry about… Isn’t she over-reacting? Why does she act like this? But she only does this when Quist—
"Rinoa, get off, of him—that isn’t appropriate right now!" Quistis commanded. She stood akimbo, glaring at Rinoa. Her whip was wrapped around Raijin and he crawled behind her.
"Quistis is kin—"
"Shut up, Raijin," Quistis growled.
"Well, you are—I mean, a whip is pretty kink—"
"That’s not what it’s there for!" Quistis fumed.
"Then why is it there, Quisty?" Rinoa mocked.
"He is a moron. I was beating him until I heard Selphie shrieking," Quistis replied stiffly. "Besides, can you honestly see me interested in him?"
"I’ve seen stranger things…" Rinoa shrugged. "I mean, your whole infatuation with Irvine, of all people!"
"She’s getting steamed again, ya know. That’s the look she gave me before she wrapped me in her whip, ya know!" Raijin commented.
"Eww! Oh, God, I’m never going to get that out of my head! Man! Why’d you say that?!" Rinoa complained.
Quistis pulled the whip off Raijin. "Don’t tempt me," she spat.
"You’ve got to be joking…right?" Rinoa asked uneasily.
"Hey, guys! Have you seen Laguna?" Irvine asked, jogging up to the others. "Me and Fujin lost him after Quistis and Raijin ran off."
"What!?" Quistis exclaimed.
"Well… We got into a discussion and I forgot he was there—I mean, he wasn’t exactly all there to begin with…" Irvine paused to tap his head. "So, once our…discussion…was over, we found out that he had disappeared!"
"IDIOT. RIGHT THERE," Fujin snorted as she walked up behind him.
Irvine cringed noticeably at her appearance. "Where?"
"THERE. IN TREE," Fujin growled, pointing to a semi-intact tree.
Sure enough, Laguna hugged the trunk of the tree—about ten feet above the ground. He didn’t turn to look at any of our heroes, though , and seemed to be cowering.
"He’s almost as kinky as you, Quist—" Raijin began.
"One more word from you and this whip is going to strangle you to death," Quistis threatened.
"Wow, Quisty. I’ll take second dibs on that!" Irvine exclaimed.
Selphie slowly regained consciousness. "Oww… My bummer head," she groaned. "Oh, shut up, twit," she continued. "Meanie bummer!"
"I thought you got rid of the sorceress!" Quistis exclaimed.
"Somewhat," Squall replied stiffly. "She’s there, but her powers are gone."
"Really?" Quistis was officially shocked.
"Yes. The way I see it, is maybe she’ll say ‘super’ less often," Squall commented.
"She’s arguing with herself, Squall! What’s wrong with her?" Rinoa complained.
"I’m not bummer arguing with myself!" Selphie exclaimed. "Astatine is being cranky again and I’m arguing with her!"
"You know… Astatine might not be there. How do we know Selphie just hasn’t gone completely insane?" Irvine pondered.
"But wasn’t she already insane? I mean, look at her hair!" Quistis argued.
"Hey, guys, where’s the Knights, ya know?" Raijin interjected.
~~~
"Surrender, Seifer!" Zell cried.
"You moron! Why would I surrender to you—You’re running away from me!" Seifer growled.
"…So? I can’t admit defeat!!" Zell wailed. He was still running from Seifer, but now they were in the streets instead of the sewers.
"You’re running away! That pretty much means you’ve surrendered!"
"No it doesn’t! We’re reverse chasing—in reality, I’m chasing you! See? You’re the one running away, Lap-Dog, and I’m chasing you with d-d-that d-word that…oh, you know what I’m talking about!"
Seifer almost fell over at the stupidity of the comment. "…idiot! Just stop running and we’ll get this over with!"
Zell let out a shriek as he turned the corner of a building and fell forward.
"What the—" Seifer began. He couldn’t imagine what had come over the other man (well, he could imagine, but none of those thoughts made any sense, so he thought it best just to find out what was going on).
"Ze~ell!!" Selphie squealed.
"…that explains it…" Seifer grumbled. He turned the corner: Selphie was poking Zell, Laguna was up a tree, and everyone else just stood around talking about nothing in particular.
"SEIFER," Fujin greeted. "DONE HERE. KILL SEEDS?"
"What?" Seifer coughed. "No…not now. What are you talking about?" He laughed nervously.
"NO MATTER. NOT LISTENING." Fujin shrugged.
"Boy am I glad this is over with…" Seifer sighed.
"Heya, Lap-Dog, ya know!" Raijin exclaimed. He was on the ground, groaning, within seconds—Fujin and Seifer had kicked him simultaneously.
"Come on, let’s head home!" Quistis ordered, staring down at Raijin. "What an idiot… I can’t believe people have paired me—" She stopped, hand on mouth. "Ha ha…never mind."
"Shouldn’t someone get Laguna out of that tree?" Irvine asked.
"No problem!" Rinoa exclaimed. Whatever she had planned to do went horribly wrong. Sure, Laguna was out of the tree… Slightly singed and twitching.
"Finally finished, Squall!" Rinoa giggled.
Yeah, right… Squall muttered to himself. Something this bad doesn’t end until the author has had her epilogue. There’s always an epilogue… Never get away from them… "…Whatever."
——————
Author’s Notes: Sorry about the raging hormones; I had a bit too much fun with that part. Yes, I’m kinda parodying various relationships I’ve seen in other fics. So, well, if it seems I’m making fun…yes, I am, but in good humor (mwahaha).
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