Sorceress and Knight Chapter 5

A Huge Intake of… Hot Dogs?

By Tsarmina

"What do you think of my super cool outfit, Zell?" Selphie asked, twirling around in excitement. She had discarded her usual yellow dress (which, amazingly, didn't smell horrible from her constant wearing of it) for a completely different look. She wore a complex black dress: sleeveless, except for the yellow cloths that lay on the outside of her arms (attached by golden bracelets); the neck was low-cut, giving a hint at what was there (luckily, only a hint...); at her stomach, the dress opened in a triangle shape, revealing her belly and belly-button, which had a yellow "jewel" in it (it looked like nothing more than plastic…); on either side of the long dress, there were slits that went halfway above her knees. On top of her head was probably the most shocking peace: a strange mix between the headdresses worn by previous sorceresses. One long bull's horn stuck out to the left of her head, draped in colorful (well, yellow) beads. A seashell sat on the other side of her head (probably taped or glued on from its position). There was even a goat's horn sticking out backwards (one would expect an additional horn along with cloven feet and a pitchfork…). Her hair remained the same, curled to where it was sticking out at odd angles around her head. She wore a pair of black high-heels, which were probably two inches off of the ground.

Zell's mouth fell open (causing the mouthful of hot dog to fall out). "Uhhh…"

"Isn't it super duper mega COOL?!" she asked.

Zell blinked a few times, recovering his senses. "Oh, yes. It is. What made you wear that?" he asked, ignoring the obvious but trying to please her.

"Well, duh, Zell! I'm a sorceress now! And, you know… You should start wearing stuff that looks more 'knight-ish'!" she exclaimed. >From the looks of it, she was having trouble holding her balance due to the headdress. Man! Now I know why Ultimecia wore two horns! They balance each other! Bummer seashell! Too light for the horn!

Now you understand, Astatine chuckled. She enjoyed watching the torment of others (especially someone as annoying as Selphie suffering). I told you not to do things like that. But nooo, twit, you don't listen to someone with more experience!

Selphie stuck her tongue out. Not that it accomplished much, since Astatine was in her head. Meanie!

"The hell you stick your tongue out at me for?" Zell demanded, assuming it was directed to him (since he was the only other person in the room).

"I didn't stick it out at you!" Selphie replied.

"Yes you did! I saw you stick it out at me!" Zell whined.

"I did not!" Selphie hissed.

Zell failed to notice the danger of the situation. "Uh-huh!"

Selphie lifted her arms above her head and shouted. "Did NOT!!" She brought her arms back down and pointed in Zell's direction. Ice (well, hail, actually) flew towards him and pummeled him until he fell over.

"Ugh… Yeah… You've gotten a lot better…" Zell said weakly.

"That'll teach you to argue with me!" Selphie replied, smirking triumphantly (it came out as more of a weird grin, though).

Zell whimpered.


"Sir Laguuuuuuna!!!!"

Laguna cringed, hugging his legs to his chest. It's probably been almost a week since I was brought here. Or has it been months? Years? Centuries? If feels like an eternity!

"Where aaare you?"

Not here! I'm not here! I'm gone! Completely gone! I've never been here! Laguna thought fiercely. He pushed himself further into the crack he was hiding in, hoping to become much smaller. It didn't work.

"Are we playing hide-and-go-seek?"

This is my punishment. I know it! All those years I forgot my son! I still haven't even told him who I am! That's it! I'm being punished for that! I'm so sorry! I promise to tell you if I ever get out of here! I promise!

"This isn't super fun, Sir Laguna. I'm getting tired of searching for you! Where are you?!?!"

Or maybe I've died… And this is hell. Selphie's obviously the devil… And Zell is, well, himself… There's no escape! I won't be able to kill myself to escape from this horrible hell! I'll be here eternally with the Devil saying "super" all of the time! Why couldn't I have gotten the hot place instead?!?!


Laguna shoved himself even further into the narrow crack, hoping his tormentor would walk by and not notice him hiding from her. Maybe I can make myself small enough so that she can't find me…

"There you are! What are you doing in there?" Selphie giggled, peering in at Laguna.

Laguna cracked his eyes open, whimpering at the site of her.

"Are you trying to hide from me?" Selphie laughed. It didn't quite occur to her that he was, in fact, attempting to hide from her.

Laguna didn't answer. Somebody help me!!! his mind screamed.

"Ohhh, you're such a cute little man," Selphie cooed. She sounded much like a grandmother inspecting a pudgy little grandchild. "Yes, you are so cute! Who's the cute little man, huh? Who's the cute little man?"

"I am…" he grumbled. He had learned long ago to please her.

"Are you cranky today? You need a super nap, yes you do!" Selphie continued.

Yes! A nap! Then you can leave me alone and I can escape! I'll leap from… Laguna blinked, remembering that they were floating above the ground. I would be killed…instantly! That's what I'll do! I'll try to kill myself! Wait, no… If I'm in hell, I won't be able to kill myself… But maybe I'll be able to at least knock myself unconscious for a few days!

"Let's go get you into bed," Selphie said, helping him to his feet. He followed meekly.


Squall could see Seifer, Fujin, Raijin, and Rinoa only a short ways away. Their expressions were as disgusted as Quistis's and Irvine's.

In a huge pile, thousands upon thousands of hot dog wrappers were strewn about carelessly. The distinct odor of rotten hot dogs lingered, making the site even more nauseating.

"They were here, all right," Quistis said.

"Who could possibly eat that many hot dogs?!" Irvine exclaimed. "Not only are they disgusting, but it would take lifetimes to eat that many!"

Seifer and his group walked over to Squall. "Bet you're wondering how Zell could have eaten all of these hot dogs, right?" Seifer asked.

"EXPLAIN," Fujin commanded.

"He's the sorceress's knight, correct? Well, sorceresses can do almost anything. Selphie's obviously trying to keep him happy… That would explain the hot dogs. The amount is probably due to a spell. She probably made it possible for him to be a real bottomless pit…" Seifer said thoughtfully.

"That's disgusting!" Rinoa exclaimed, crinkling her nose in disgust. Her face was incredibly pale. "I'm so happy you didn't do anything icky like that!"

Seifer shrugged. "Uh… Whatever," he mumbled.

"Hey! You just sounded like Squall, ya know!" Raijin exclaimed, but shut up when he was kicked by Fujin.


"B-But!" Zell complained.

"I said no! That wouldn't be nice! And, anyway, it's a super dumb idea! Why would I want to waste my time doing that?" Selphie replied, folding her arms.

"I want to get my revenge on him, though! Revenge!" Zell exclaimed. He crouched down, beginning to punch the air.

"I said no no no no super NO!!" Selphie whined. She began jumping from foot to foot (and somehow managed not to trip over her dress).

"But Seifer deserves to be blown up! It'd be fun! And we could get rid of Fujin and Raijin while we were at it!"

"Quiet, Zell," Selphie said.

"Seifer! I want to blow him to pieces! He's my archrival! I have to conquer him!" Zell's voice was swiftly turning into a pitiful wail.

"You idiot! He's Squall's archrival! You're just mad at him because he always teased you! And you deserved it!" Selphie snarled.

Zell whimpered. "Puh-lease? Let me blow him up!!!!"

"Stop arguing with me!" Selphie screeched. A wind began whipping at their clothing an hair.


"NO MORE HOT DOGS!!" Selphie screeched.

Zell cringed. "Oh… Okay… Seifer doesn't need to be blown up! He can go on being, like, himself…and stuff…"

The wind calmed back down and Selphie smiled sweetly. "I like this absolute power! No hot dogs for the rest of the day!"

"B-But!" Zell whined.

"You can have some tomorrow, but not before then!" Selphie paused thoughtfully. "And no whining about this! It's your own bummer fault!"

Zell whimpered and glared at her, beady little eyes harrow. He had the look of… A weasel up to something.


Laguna let out a shout as he leaped from Lunatic Pandora. He had found a…window to jump from when Zell had distracted Selphie. It was actually nothing more than where the Ragnorak had sliced into the building.

He looked below, seeing all water…much to his dismay. He hit it with a loud splash. "Nooo!!!" he sobbed. He floated there for a few minutes, not knowing what to do. He had wanted a nice, hard, ground to fall onto and break every bone in his body… I always have the worst luck in the world!

As if to confirm his thoughts, Selphie suddenly appeared out of nowhere…


"Hey, Squall! Quistis found something!" Rinoa shouted as she ran into Squall's dormitory room.

"What do you mean by 'found something'?" he groaned, pulling himself into a sitting position. I'll never get a full night's rest in this Garden! Not in a million years! Maybe if I just ignore her she'll go away…

"SQUALL! Cut it out!" Rinoa screeched with annoyance.

Squall stopped staring blankly at the wall and scowled towards Rinoa. "What'd she find?" he sighed.

"Selphie's website!" Rinoa laughed.

It took all of Squall's energy not to walk over at shove Rinoa out of his room. "Her website? Well, let's all congratulate Quistis for her sheer intelligence on the web! What genius she has to be able to find such a site, even though Selphie has it plastered all over the Garden where it is! Everyone knows where that is! You woke me up because Quistis actually figured something out on her own!?!?" he exclaimed, gritting his teeth. He had surprised even himself by how many words he used…

"Ugh…" Rinoa groaned. "Her diary has been updated! Does this make sense to you? When I clap my hands three times, you will under—whoa!!!"

Squall sped out of the room, leaving Rinoa sitting on the floor. "How rude! He could have at least said 'excuse me'!" she pouted.


When Squall made it into the classroom, he found Irvine and Quistis hovering over a computer, whispering. He walked over to them, peering at it in curiosity.

"Oh! Hi, Squall," Quistis laughed nervously. She quickly closed the window she had been at, opening up another. "Here's what we wanted to show you. It's Selphie's diary and she updated it somehow last night!"

"This is super cool! I love it soooo much! Just a few days ago a sorceress named Astatine attempted to possess me! And now I'm a sorceress! It was kinda hard at first to find someone to be my knight…but Zell was around and he brought Sir Laguna to me! It's super cool! Me and Zell are in hiding, though, because we want to take over the world. We know that our former friends won't let us do that without a fight!

"It's really bummerish that we can't let them join us in world domination… I'd love it to be all six of us ruling this puny planet, but me and Zell have to do this alone! Oh, and Sir Laguna will help us, too! He loves me!

"There's one thing that's been bothering me, though. Why hasn't Lunatic Pandora been destroyed? It's sorta weird. I would have thought for sure someone would have smashed it to bits and burned what was left! BOOM BOOM!!! Oh well, I guess I don't mind, since I am using it as my base!

"We're currently hiding near the Deep Sea Research Center… They'll never think to find us here! Booyaka!"

"She actually just told us where to find her?" Squall mumbled, disbelief plain on his face.

"Yeah… Funny, isn't it?" Irvine laughed. "You'd think she would consider the fact that we would look here!"

"That would be too logical… She can't think logical. You of all people should know that, Irvine," Quistis replied.

"Why would I know that?" Irvine snapped back.

"You're the one who said 'I can't do that, Quisty-babe! If Selphie found out she'd kill me!!' How do you suppose that makes me feel?" Quistis demanded.

Irvine coughed nervously. "Well, Quisty, I'm all for it…but Selphie's a sorceress now! And she has eyes everywhere! How do I know she isn't watching us right now, and testing me with you? You could be here right now, making sure that even though she isn't here I'm faithful to her!"

"Who cares if she's watching? You said yourself that you didn't like her! You said that you made a mistake with her! And I am not her! I shudder at the thought!" Quistis exclaimed.

Squall stared in shock, uncomfortable with the situation he was in. Do what? What are they talking about? I hope it isn't what I think it is…

"Yeah, but… She thinks I still like her and, since she's a sorceress, she'd get really mad at me! Maybe when we take care of her we can…" Irvine complained.

"You just don't like me!" Quistis pouted.

"No, no! I like you a lot! It's just that…she scares me!"

Rinoa, who had been standing in the doorway for as long as the argument had been going, laughed. "Do what? What's going on between you two? Something we should know about?"

Irvine turned a deep crimson (surprisingly enough). "Umm…"

"I wanted him…" Quistis began, "…to—"

"Wait a second, ya know!" Raijin exclaimed, running into the room. "This isn't that sort of fic, ya know!"

"IDIOT!" Fujin growled, kicking Raijin. She was followed by Seifer, who looked slightly confused.

"Uhhh… Why are you three here?" Squall demanded.

"AUTHOR, FORGOT. MISTAKE. WHO CARES?" Fujin snapped. She turned to Squall, looking as if she planned on kicking him, too.

"Sorry, sorry," Squall muttered.

Seifer turned to Quistis. "Come on, tell us. It can just be edited out!"

"Nothing like that!" Quistis exclaimed. "I just wanted him to take me out on a date! Fujin, kick him for me!"

Fujin blinked a few times, not wanting to take the order from Quistis. She thought about if for a while, then decided to kick Raijin anyway.


Author's Note: I sorta realized I was neglecting the…err…"relationship" between Quistis and Irvine… So if it seems a little late, it actually is. Oh well.


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