Author Comment
Posts: 114
(9/19/01 6:21:06 pm)
Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
I come to you as a shattered and broken man, having been witness to the most horrific butchery of a childhood joy that I think I've ever seen.

Yes, today I watched Fox Kids(!) and caught the new show, "Transformers: Robots in Disguise."

I'll be perfectly blunt. I'm not going to be objective here. I don't think I'm even going to try. What I watched not thirty minutes ago has to be one of the stupidest things I've ever seen, and there's just no simpler way to say it. And now, to purge myself of the utter shame and to rid myself of the sickening feeling in my gut, I will now treat you all to a senseless, pointless, and probably just annoying critique of the show.


The show has a Japanimation touch, with lots of big-eyed people, sweatdrops, dramatic, exaggerated takes, etc. This would be perfectly okay, I guess, if this was a show produced in Japan, or handled by anyone that had any knowledge of how to produce anime. Instead, I'm firmly convinced that I can almost recount word for word what happened during the brainstorming session for the creation of this show:

(Lame Ass A) We're going to recreate the Transformers? We need something fresh, something new!
(Lame Ass B) What about all that big-eyed Pokemon shit the kids love these days? It'll be a rage! Let's do it!
(Lame Ass A) I'll call the Korean sweatshop animators. SCORE!

We've all seen how well Anime handles big robots. Gundam, Macross, Evangelion - all of them have robotic stuff blowing up things/being blown up on an awesomely cool scale. Sadly, that isn't the case here. Instead we have robots sweatdropping and ACTUALLY DABBING AT THEMSELVES WITH HANDKERCHIEFS (yes, of course I'll explain later). This actually looks quite a lot like Digimon (with a Tai clone included), only with horrendously designed robots thrown in.

Does anyone remember the original Transformer character designs? They were awesome. Nice, straight robotic lines, streamlined chassis, a sort of overall simplistic, no frills, "industrial" look that really worked well.

Someone messed up.

Most of the Autobots now look like they were designed by a group of technicians with a gay bodybuilder fetish. Their bodies are a mismash of bloated, pointless metal musculature, their stomachs covered in six-packs made of metal piping and their joints studded with bloated, apparently useless penile projections (at least, I hope they're useless). I half-expected Optimus Prime to have metal, laser shooting nipples. Fortunately, I guess they forgot to animate them, but the pair of dildos he now has strapped to either side of his head are just as bad. Even those robots that don't have overly lame designs still seem too big and awkward, too eXtreeM. Not to mention the horrible color schemes some of them have (Purple, orange, and white? Good GRAVY).

If it's possible, their enemies, the "Predacons", look even worse. In robot mode, they continue with the gay tech fetish motif of the autobots, only the technicians working on them were apparently furries. Yes, if you always wanted a hot, magenta robot frog or a teal robot shark as a bitch of your very own, your wish is now granted. Fortunately, their terribly designed and horrifically colored robot forms have a saving grace. In the episode I saw today, the mighty Predacons showed their l337 skills by transforming into: a gay shark, a gay frog, and a really, really gay dragon. Megatron has fared the worst - his once awesome streamlined gun design changed into something that resembles a cross between a bat, a penis, and the lamest, gayest Maverick the MegaMan X team could ever imagine. He's also gotten much stupider, but I'll cover that in the next section -


The story today opened up with an Autobot named Skids. Yes, I took his name out of context, and I'm sure you have as well. Anyway, Skids can't seem to keep himself from running in every race he sees. No matter what, whenever he sees a race, he has to be in it and win, because he's the fastest autobot or whatever.

Anyway, he gets chased by the gay looking shark predacon and escapes, and the Autobots watch all this on their super secret monitor system at home base. As they begin to ponder what could be wrong with Skids, a leap of logic that could only occur on Superfriends suddenly appears. Here's an abridged transcript. Keep in mind, all these lines are said with utter DEAD SERIOUSNESS.

(Optimus Prime): Skids seems to be acting strangely.

(SomeOtherRandomAutobot): He just got here from Cybertron. I'm sure he's just joyriding.

(Tai look-alike - and no, I don't know who the fuck this kid is, what he was doing in the autobot base, or WHAT he's been smoking.): Wait... Skids used a racecar of the famous dead racer *japanesename* as his design for his car form. I bet when he scanned the car, the spirit of *japanesename* invaded him. He's being... HAUNTED!

(Little Big-Eyed Girl in Freaky Hat): Wow, you're smart, Akari!

(Optimus Prime): Yes. We sense some psychic energy in Skids. He's possessed. We have to find him.

And who says robots aren't superstitious? Anyway, all this babble is undercut by footage of Skids running in all these various races, knocking over go-carts and tripping runners and such, and sweatdropping dramatically every time. Yes, let's forget about that whole "dignity" thing. Go wacky robot comedy.

There's a big race (that's actually called 'great race' from the flyer Taiboy is lugging around), and the autobots all know Skids will be there, so they all enter to find him. The gay shark predacon from earlier joins as well, disguised as a car. By "disguised", I mean he laid down on a platform with wheels. The most surreal moment of the show happens when an autobot in car mode drives up to him and starts up a conversation. For some unfathomable reason, he starts hitting on the shark. I don't know why. I don't even remember everything they said, I was so shocked by the surreality of it. In the end, I think the shark said he "Wasn't that type," the autobot pulled off in a huff, and the shark dabbed himself with a hanky. The race went on.

Really, at this point, there's nothing to say to top the above scene, so I'll just say that random Predacons appeared throughtout the race, got shot at, and ran away. Megatron also showed up, and then proceeded to make an utter ass out of himself by shooting his own man with his penile-looking laser cannon on two different occasions after mistaking him for an autobot. I'll point out that the henchman was the shark, who looks nothing like a car. The shark was also SCREAMING and PLEADING for Megatron not to shoot him the entire time. I guess robots don't need little things like sensors anymore.

In the end, Skids manages to remember he's an autobot and saves the day instead of winning the race. At the end though, he's still possessed, making the entire episode even more pointless, which I didn't think was possible.


I'm too tired at this point to diss the audio too much. I'll just mention that I found Megatron and Optimus Prime's voices pretty bad. Maybe I just miss the original. Additionally, the way all the characters feel the need to announce their attacks and transformations verbally further points out how derivative this whole mess is. It's bad. It's so bad... someone hold me.


And so, that's my rant. It's long, but maybe it DOES have at least a tiny purpose. Have any of you seen the show? Is it as bad as I seem to think, or did I catch it on a bad day, or what? Am I blinded by nostalgia? Was the old show also this lame and I just don't remember? Some input would be appreciated.


Average Joe
Posts: 71
(9/20/01 2:11:29 am)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Actually, you were pretty much dead on. I got up early to watch the show on its Saturday morning debut a couple of weeks ago, very much excited to see a version of Transformers that returned to its G1 roots: hand-drawn animation, Optimus Prime and the gang, Autobots, Decepticons, everything. What I got was Transformers: Robots In Disguise.

Unfortunately, the switch from the vehicular Decepticons to the animal-ish Predacons rather irritated me. Instead of cars and trucks and airplanes and hovercrafts and flying saucers and helicopters and whatnot duking it out, it's now become some sort of "technology vs. nature" sort of thing. I just can't deal with a frog trying to take on a car and expecting to win.

I still gave it a chance, despite that. I thought, "Well, it's not CGI, and it's got Optimus Prime--changed a bit, but he's there--so it can't be all that bad..."

...I was wrong. It was cheesy. It was like Digimon meets Gundam meets deranged crack addict. They named their attacks--heck, they had attacks to be named in the first place! I don't remember Optimus in G1 ever yelling, "Lasergun-in-my-hand-attack!"

I'm going to have to watch my copy of Transformers: The Movie again just to get the massacred new version out of my head. Heh. Old school Optimus has "The Touch". Go kick some Megatron circuits, Optimus!
Posts: 126
(9/20/01 2:26:21 am)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Ooo-hoo-hoo! I wish I had that option. I own the movie, thank Odin, but my VCR decided to go kaput. The new show is Evil I tell you, evil! *sigh* At least I don't have to get up early on a staurday now.
Posts: 64
(9/20/01 3:37:03 pm)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Ouch man. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. From you description alone, it sounds as if though that show is even gayer than Transformers: Beast Machines and G.I. Joe Extreme combined. (and this is what they replaced Big Guy And Rusty with?) Just remember that if you can keep one person from ever watching that show, then it was worth it.
Posts: 300
(9/22/01 2:25:35 pm)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Despite what NeoKefka just said, I had to watch the show. Being an avid TF fan in my youth, I needed to see this for myself. This morning's episode was, true to DK's analysis, a big honking let-down.

By far, the worst part was the story (I'd venture to say it was worse than the unispired animation and lackluster voice work combined). Brief synopsis: both the Autobots and Predacons discover that a 60-year-old UFO contains Transformer "Protoforms," i.e. robots without an earthly vehicle/animal mode. Megatron seizes the potential Autobots and takes them to a military base, where his thugs scan various army vehicles (and a conveniently passing space shuttle) and create Decepticons from the Protoforms using Megatron's spark. The reason I feel the need to recount all of this is because the Autobots stood and watched the whole process without even trying to stop them. Afterwards, a battle ensues, consisting of the Decepticons firing at the Autobots and the Autobots standing in place. Luckily, the Decepticons managed to miss despite the fact that the were only about twenty yards away from their enemies.

We also saw the origin of Scourge, a.k.a. Black Convoy, a.k.a. Evil Optimus Prime. I think I'll give him the award for the Most Anti-Climactic Moment In The Show, in which he professes his loyalty to Megatron after an ingratiating pause. He also gets props for the Most Canned Lines In The Show, although there was tough competition from, well, everybody else. I think I'll go back in time to when I was ten, and ask my former self for some story ideas so I can get a job writing this show.

Only one of the four Autobots had a real face, so unless he was talking, you had no idea which one of them was spewing the emotionless "tough guy" lines, because there was very little distinction between any two voices or personalities (and didn't the old Tranformers' faceplates move in lieu of a mouth?). The Predacon thugs left much to be desired (I realize it's not in the nature of a thug to be intellectual, but can't they at least be of average intelligence?), but I expected that much.

Well, I guess my rant is running out of steam now. If they had implied some sort of ambiguity as to Scourge's ethical alliance (since he does have some of Optimus Prime spark in him), I might have been tempted to watch another episode. But, as it was, I have little compelling me to tune in again. The only thing I can say in favor of this show is that I'm glad they chose not to "re-invent" Bumblebee, because I'm sure they would have ruined him.

I think I enjoyed "The Great Saiyaman" story more than this show.
Posts: 72
(9/26/01 1:51:42 am)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Actually, the show WAS from japan: It was called (no joke this is a direct translation) Transformers: Car Robots.
It was brought over here, made "kid friendly" and cut down from a 1-hour show to a 1/2 hour show, all to fuel 80's nostalgia.
THAT'S why it sucked.
In a related story, a very bad G.I.JOE comic was just released. A hashed out "return of Cobra" story with inferior art (that is in terms of what the artist is trying to get "his style" to look like), and, it's just...

Y'know, maybe He-man and Transformers and GIJOE actually did suck in the first place, but what did we know, we were kids?
I can't wait till 2015 when power-ranger nostalgia kicks in... UUUGGHHHHH (that is if they stop reinventing that damn show and milking it to death every other season...)
Average Joe
Posts: 77
(9/26/01 2:00:55 am)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Y'know, I can't really say about He-Man and GI Joe, but I know for a definite fact that Transformers did not suck. I've got the movie, and I still love it. Transformers are good.

It was Voltron that was bad. I used to love that show, but when Cartoon Network ran it in their Toonami linup a couple of years ago, I realized how much it actually sucks.
Posts: 139
(9/26/01 4:56:57 am)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
There is a God! I finally recieved my tax refund check. With it I was able to finally buy a new VCR!!!!! Not only can I finally catch up on Dragon Ball and DBZ(Their on while I'm at work) but now I can watch the Transformers movie so that I can get those evil images of the new series out of my mind!!!!

Now if I can only get him to lay waste to this new evil series and smite those who brought it into being.
Average Joe
Posts: 78
(9/26/01 5:55:58 am)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Well, look at it this way: without another series, how would there be more toys?
Posts: 140
(9/26/01 6:39:12 am)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Ahhhhhhh... I feel better now that I've watched the movie.

New toys? They look about as gay as the show! Optimus and Ultra Magnus combining to join some super robot? That just ain't right. It wasn't that way in the original, and it shouldn't be that way now.

If they had left the show more like the original, not only would they get the kiddy audience, but they would gain back the nostalgic TF fans of the olden days.

BTW, I looked up on eBaythe other day as to how much a mint G1 Optimus Prime still in the box was. Let me put it to you like this: I don't even make enough money in six months, gross, to be able to afford it. Yikes! What's even worse is that a G1 Megatron was more! Double Yikes!!
Candy Cane Wielder
Posts: 165
(10/19/01 8:29:49 pm)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Yeah, I got up at 8 AM one morning (don't ask me why cos I don't even know) and saw it was on. OK, can't hurt to check it out. Uh, wrong! It was a complete and utter debauchery of one of my most beloved series. The animation, while not terrible, definitely wasn't up to snuff, especially if you've seen the other Japanese Transformers series that didn't make it to the States. And it had way too much of the goofy flailing and sweat bead animations. There should in fact be none in a Transformers cartoon. The voice acting was flat-out pathetic! Like Resident Evil B-movie kinda voice acting. Pokémon has higher standards than that! The robot design wasn't all that bad but then again it wasn't anything stellar too. Megatron as something OTHER than a gun? I mourn for this dynasty. And what about the palette swaps of old characters, like Swindle and his crew (dammit I can't remeber their name)? I realize that this is probably so they have a better excuse to re-release the original figures, the only good thing to come out of this whole situation, but c'mon. They coulda just brought back the old ones while still makin' entirely new figs. Oh, and the story! Well for one, they travel through this dimensional portal thing so they can get anywhere on the planet. What the fuck?! It totally trivializes the whole "Transform and roll out!" bit. They're supposed to get where they wanna go the real way, not some gateway thingie. The Digimon-style attacks? Transformers don't have attacks, besides shootin' a gun, and even if they did, they wouldn't call it out. "Omega Kick?" Puh-lease. Ultra Magnus is gunnin' for Prime cos he thinks HE shoulda been chosen by the Matrix as the Autobot leader. While I could go and say that such an instance blows all continuity out of the water, I'll grant them the fact that this is an entirely independent story. But check this. For one, most Autobots should realize that while Prime isn't the best warrior, as Magnus is, he's the best leader. Autbots aren't so wildly jealous that they'll kick the shit outta their head honcho. And then, it gets resolved by the two of them, who are "brothers" by the way, merging and working together to drive Megatron away. And Magnus still wants Prime pushin' up cyber-daisies. Nothing got resolved, which I shouldn't be surprised by considering the whole episode didn't get off to much of a start. I know for a fact that the original series wasn't lame and we were just too stupid to realize it. I've watched them on tape and I still love 'em. And the movie still ranks near the top of my list of all time faves. It's Transformers for the new generation, the ones watchin' Pokémon and Digimon and whatnot. I guess bein' a huge fan of the original series, I was expectin' something more along the lines of the classic show. How disappointing.

I was hopin' for redemption after Beast Machines (debacle that I'll never speak of again). I was dead wrong.


Master of Metal
Posts: 72
(10/21/01 5:40:27 pm)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
Morbid curiousity got the better of me and I actually watched an episode of this travesty. Good lord, for nearly thirty minutes, I looked on in horror as every childhood memory of Transformers was violently disembowled. I apologize if I sound totally insane in this post, because I think this show finished off the part of my brain that was already badly damaged by reading the lemon that Eternal Fire wrote.

The animation was nothing to write home about, the fights looked like they were pulled out of Digimon, and the character designs, Oh Good God, the character designs, they freaking HURT to look at.

Megatron is undoubtedly the worst offender. That color scheme of his alone makes my eyes bleed. And no, DK, you're wrong, The Megaman X design team could never come up with a Maverick that looked as bad as Megatron looks in this.

After him is Ultra Magnus, who used to look awesome. I repeat "used to". Now he's a lame looking robot with ten foot long arms and legs and a torso that by my estimate is about six inches long and twenty feet wide.

Third place in this "gayest character design" contest is Omega Prime, the Digimon esque combination of Optimus and Magnus. Omega Prime basically looks like somebody took Optimus's head, changed the color scheme, and attached it to a Tetris block.

As for the rest of the Autobots, they looked more like car wrecks then freakin' robots. One actually has the front of a car hanging off his arm, for God's sake.

As far as the voice acting, I think they raided Capcom's voice acting studio, found the worst actors from Megaman X4 and Resident Evil and then gave them a list of the most cliche Hero / Villian lines in history and told them to wing it. At one point in the episode, Ultra Magnus and Optimus Prime actually give a "We will win because we fight for good, and have faith in the light" style speech. Worst of all, Ultra Magnus actually had a southern accent which disappears / reappears at random.

Oh and of course, the characters with the most annoying voices never shut up. If you look in the "Guide To Dubbing An Anime Into English (And Therebye Ripping The Very Soul Out Of It)", this is required, along with "a young girl must have a shrill voice and scream a lot" and "there must only be a one in million chance of somebody actually saying a believable line of dialogue."

As far as the episode I saw goes, basically Scourge is basically trying to overthrow Megatron. Now the henchmen trying to overthrow his boss and take control wouldn't be a bad plotline, except IT's BEEN DONE IN EVERY TRANSFORMERS SERIES SINCE THE ORIGINAL! How bout we do something new and have the bad guys all get along?

Knowing that Ultra Magnus has a rivalry with Prime, Scourge meets up with Magnus and tries to convince him to help him overthrow both Megatron and Prime. Two other Autobots whose names I forget, which is probably a good thing, have been following Magnus and decide to jump in and attack Scourge.

The other Decepticons form into one big Decepticon called Ruination and start beating the crap out of the other Autobots. Magnus shows what a hero he is by telling the other autobots to keep out of his business and flies off. After a couple minutes of Digimon inspired battles (read: lame fights where characters stand around, shout attacks, lather rinse repeat), The Autobots (another one joins up at this point) decide to power up thanks to a "charge that Magnus had given them" (Yes , I took that out of context too.) and what follows is something that will make Akira Toriyama sue the balls off the creators of this show.

The Transformers stand there, begin to glow with a strange light, make a lot of really bad sounding grunts, and change colors and are now much much stronger.

Of course, this prove to be practically useless, because it wears off after they only get TWO punches in on Ruination and they are now as one put it "weak as kittens". (I'm not making that up.) I'd also like to point out that Scourge is standing around doing absolutely jackshit while this takes place. More canned lines follow and Ruination thrashes the hell out of the autobots, putting them out of the fight.

Optimus shows up and Scourge finally decides to fights. His first attack is draw a sword, shouts "SWORD OF FURY" and run at Optimus who has a LASER GUN pointed at him! Never have I seen a battle tactic of such brilliance since one of the straight to video Universal Soldier sequels, where the unarmed villian decides the best way to defeat the heavily armed hero is to run at him with his arms flailing.

Optimus and Scourge fight for about five seconds when the Predacons show up. However, Megatron is the only one that actually decides to step into the fray while the other ones remain hidden behind a collection of boulders and make "funny" comments on the entire battle. And god, their voices are irritating. Of course, the shark decides to attack Optimus at one point, using the foolproof Universal Solider tactic described above. Imagine my surprise then when Optimus makes the shark his bitch in one move.

Finally, Megatron has enough of this and turns into a really gay looking dragon, and he, Scourge, and the other decepticons start attacking Optimus. After taking a few nasty hits (actually you never SEE him get directly hit, the shots seem to be hitting the ground underneath him), Scourge pulls out a plasma cannon and shoots Optimus with it, sending him flying to a rock. *Insert Paul Nathans joke here* Of course, any viewer who still has two brain cells functioning will wonder why the fuck Scourge didn't use the plasma canon in the first place.

BTW: when this happens the Predacons start heard me, they start DANCING. Frankly, I'm surprised my brain didn't shut down from seeing something that fucked up.

But, all is not lost, for Ultra Magnus shows up, him and Prime spout off the afforementioned Good guys always win speech, and then they start glowing and with no explanation turn into Omega Prime, who sends the Predacon's packing by summoning a laser cannon out of thin air, shooting them with it, making it disappear again, and then repeating the process with a gatling gun. Naturally, they actually call out the names of these weapons. I'd also like to mention that the Predacons and Decepticons just stood there and took the damage. After this brief attack, Megatron turns into a gay looking bat (at least he's consistent) and flies off, the Predacons comically running after him. Scourge spouts cliche villian line #434923 ("WE WILL MEET AGAIN!" or a variation thereof) and runs off towards the horizon, leaving a Looney tunes esque dust trail in his wake.

More cliche lines follow as Optimus asks Magnus to rejoin the team. He doesn't, leaves, and one of the Autobots gives a speech about how Magnus will find himself and rejoin the team. The credits roll and I break down crying.

About the only good thing I could say about it is that the iritating kids who look like they just walked off of Digimon only had one line in the whole Episode. And yes, it was stupid. "I will download it to your Cybermap!" says the freaky looking girl in a freaky looking hat. Frankly, I think she was hitting on the Autobot.
Mana Maniac
Posts: 360
(10/21/01 9:13:27 pm)
Re: Transformers, it Makes Me Want to Cry.
This thread reminds me of how Jerm takes depressingly horrible fanfic stories and tears them to shreds. It's fun to read, if you ignore the fact that a legendary institution from our youth has had a Bowie knife shoved up its crack and twisted.
Posts: 124
(10/22/01 4:50:07 pm)
Transformers War Journal, Day 34: A Report from the Field

Been here a week now, waiting for a mission, getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie Transformers squats in the bush, he it gets stronger.

Today's Episode - "The Fish Test"

Open on the Predacon base, where everyone's favorite gay sharkbot is surfing the internet:

Gay Magenta Frog: "What are you doing, Skybite? You've been on the computer all day."

Gay Shark (Skybite): "I'm taking the online Fish Personality Test. It says I'm..... a JELLYFISH??"

Yes, children, not only do you and I waste our valuable time nursing The's survey wang, apparently so do evil robots devoted to overthrowing the planet. It's a good thing for us that "must be absolutely fucking retarded" is a requirement for membership in the Predacons.

As if to drive this point home, the next scene shows Scourge in Megatron's throne room, where he informs his leader that he has a plan for taking over the planet and accquiring Energon. Now, Megatron, being the clever, malevolent, scheming robot that he is, wisely chooses to cut off his henchman's explanation with a terse: "HURRY UP AND DO IT INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT!" I'll point out that he says this before the plan can even be mentoned. What if Scourge had said, "I've got a great plan for taking over the planet- let's all get together in a pit of flame and have oil lubricated robotsex, screaming in intermingled joy and pain as our circuits are burned into cinders." If that had been Scourge's plan, Megatron would not only have been caught unaware but also would have given his blessing. HIS BLESSING.

Oh, by the way, Skybite is also assigned to work under Scourge and gets dissed bigtime when he's told to stay back at the base. Why no one ever got the idea that a whiny, wussy, annoying gay shark robot is no help at all before this, I don't know, but Skybite is shocked to say the least and he rounds up his Predacon love- buddies to help him foil Scourge's plan. Yes, that's right, Skybite. Forget those petty goals like winning your war. Go you. Go you.

Scourge and his Decepticons show up at a power plant to steal the energy, when suddenly laser blasts appear, flying well clear of the mark. It turns out that the attackers are *GASP* Skybite and company, wearing really lame autobot disguises and trying to affect Southern Accents. A surreal moment ensues when MagentaFrog informs Skybite that the autobot he's impersonating "isn't that flamboyant" and does a little limpwristed gay gesture. Honest. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Meanwhile, back at Autobot HQ, this mayhem goes unnoticed as Sideburn is occupied with the computer taking - wait for it.... wait for it... - THE FISH TEST! Those of you who are Sideburn fans will likely feel a damp spot in your pants at this revelation, but Sideburn has the personality of a Bonito! Anyway, the funny dressed hologram girl picks up the distress at the power station and sends the autobots out to investigate. As per the norm, a battle ensues that consists of lots of named attacks, still shots with psychadelic backgrounds, and standing completely still. For no reason I can think of, the Decepticons decide to flee.

Scourge continues his plan to steal energy from Power Plants, so Skybite decides to tell the Autobots about it. He first appears to none other than that Bonito-acting mofo Sideburn, who for some unfathomable reason is chasing top speed after a red sports car and crowing pick-up lines to it. Newsflash, Sideburn, you may LOOK like a car, but you're really a robot. Cars don't think. They just lie there lifelessly while you fuck them in the tailpipe. Does your fetish with them make you the Transformers equivalent of a necrophiliac? I think it does. I think it DOES.

Anyway, while the Shark tries to explain that he comes in peace, Sideburn proceeds to heroically beat the holy hell out of his passive opponent, culminating with him screaming "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR COMING BETWEEN ME AND A RED SPORTS CAR" as he blasts Skybite into the stratosphere. Oh, should I mention three of Skybite's friends HID BEHIND SOME BUSHES AND WATCHED WHILE THIS ALL TOOK PLACE?

Cut to a woman driving an SUV through a canyon. The Predacons appear, the woman gets out and wanders away, and the car transforms into X-BRAWN (OH MY GO~OD). What the woman was doing in there, I don't know. Where she went, I don't know either. Maybe it was some sort of kinky sex thing. Anyway, as Skybite hefts and waves a white flag and once more tries to explain, Sideburn appears, screaming and shooting him again. What follows has to be the most insane sequence ever, as two heavily armed groups of mortal enemies stand facing each other and joking about Jellyfish as Sideburn asks Skybite to "prove he's the real thing" by transforming into a shark and performing tricks. I swear, I'm not making this up. He headstands. He makes a "C". HE BALANCES A FUCKING BALL ON HIS NOSE AND CLAPS LIKE A SEAL.

Somehow, though, this convinces the Autobots that Scourge is planning an attack, so they go to the power plant. Turns out, he was attacking a different one, making the seal thing totally pointless. Scourge and his homies are rampaging around tearing shit up when three lame-ass train Autobots appear, form one really big Autobot, and draw a huge laser gun. Scourge is ready, though, using that awesome technique Kef pointed out. "SWORD OF FURY!!!!" he bellows, racing directly at a robot about ten times his size, armed with a gun bigger than he is. Is it anyone's surprise he gets made a bitch shortly afterward? His troops apparently forget they can fight and everyone retreats.

Fade in on Skybite in shark form, sitting on a rocky cliff watching a sunset. He bemoans his identity as a jellyfish and flails his fins about, sweatdropping and eyepopping dramatically before racing off to fight one last battle to "prove himself." Naturally, of course, he fucks it up, ruining a stealth mission Megatron and the rest had planned and leading to the last fight of the episode (God be Merciful).

Insert a few quick speed shots of Transformers standing in place and firing. Optimus draws some water gun from his back and encases Megatron in ice. Megatron must not have minded SINCE HE DIDN'T EVEN MOVE. THen, after suffering a tire smash to the face which breaks him free, the Megster apparently decides that being a total fucking pussy is the better part of valor and flies away without firing a shot. So do the rest of his troops. Hooray for anticlimaxes.

Maybe I shouldn't watch this any more. Just seeing the episode made me want to cry, and recounting it was worse. But I had to, don't you see? I had to tell you all what I saw. I had to recount.... the horror.

I watched a snail Transformers crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving.

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