The Grand List of RPG Cliches

By Triad

There Is Only One Goddamn Side Of My Bed (Cid rule)

There's always someone who is forever pissed off about something. Perhaps collecting dust in the airship gets to them after a while.

First Rule Of Death (Oppossum rule)

When a character "dies" in battle, they fall, collapsed, and are unable to do anything until they are "revived" with some angel spit or something. However, when you leave the battle, and are back in "real time", your "dead" characters are up and walking like they always are, until, of course, you have an encounter. Then they go straight back down 'till you sprinkle them with angel spit, or whatever it's called.

Second Rule Of Death ("Damn, that's a good matress." rule)

Even if you're missing limbs, are bleeding profusely, and are dragging a troop of shredded corpses behind you, one good night's sleep in an inn will do you a world of good. In fact, you'll all wake up in mint condition, fully ressurrected, limbs reattached, poison cured, magical energy at maximum, and without a single hint of pain from the night before. How is this done? Simple: rpg mattresses are so comfortable that they in fact are the best form of medical treatment in the universe. Your fatal wounds are "comfied" away in a matter of hours, at an extremely low cost, too! Beware, however. Don't try this on the common terrain, or in any old bed. It's just not comfortable enough.

Third Rule Of Death ("Hey, Aeris? Uh...Aeris? You okay? Helloooo...?" rule)

Although battle wounds and deaths are manageable, if a character is injured or killed outside of the battle screen, things are not looking good for them. Angel spit and super-comfy beds just won't help them now...

Fourth Rule Of Death ("Ha-ha! You missed me!" rule)

If a character is actually killed, don't expect to never see them again. In fact, expect to see them more, in their "guardian angel" form then you did when they were still alive. Dead characters are proven to be extremely valuable assets to party members, and actually are more useful than live ones, as live characters do not suddenly appear when you are about to have your lungs ripped out by a seven-foot-tall human Cuisinart.

Fifth Rule Of Death ("Why the hell can't I do that?!" rule)

When you kill one of the villain's powerful allies, or the even the villain himself, there is a 90% or greater chance that they will return from the dead, twice as powerful as they were, with you in their crosshairs.

If Only She'd Though Of This Earlier

Even if he'd been getting his own ass shoved into his mouth repeatedly during the previous battle, if the hero's beloved is severly injured, and/or appears to be dead, the hero will go into an insane rage, either destroying everything in his path, or unleashing the strongest offensive magical attack in the universe. This usually occurs toward the late-middle part of the game, and it never crosses the girl's mind to fake another death, during the final battle, so that the hero goes berserk again, and does something really, really bad to the villain.

Outdoor Accomodations Rule #1 ("Begone, foul beasts!" rule)

Regardless of whether you're on the run from demonic spirits, or giant Shadow Dragons, you always can find a safe haven inside the security of your very own tent. Not only do they travel light, are cheaper than angel spit (or whatever that stuff is called), are just as comfortable as the beds at the inn, BUT they also mystically shun away the most feroscious of beasts, so that nothing can attack our heroes as they slumber. Hell, if they work so damn good, why doesn't everyone else in the world just huddle up in one big tent to be safe from peril, while our intrepid young heroes save the day? These people really have to get on the ball, I'm telling you.

Outdoor Accomodations Rule #2 ("Dammit, Zell! This thing isn't weatherproof!" rule)

One drawback to using tents/cabins is their lack of durability. After one usage, your tent/cabin will unfortunately be reduced to a pile of worthless sticks and strips of fabric. This is (theoretically) because of monster-repellant fabric's extreme weakness to the outside world. Apparently, after a few hours of exposure to moisture and breeze, your makeshift dwelling collapses, convieniently, as your party wakes up. But 250 Gil is a small price to pay, considering.

Outdoor Accomodations Rule #3 ("Dude, it says not to right there." rule)

Another small downside to these super-effective forms of temporary lodging is that they can only be used on flat terrain, and never, ever in a town or building. This is mainly because our heroes are well-kept, law-abiding citizens, and if they aren't supposed to camp out in Kefka's front yard, or sleep in ShinRa's parking lot, then by golly, they'll just have to find a clean patch of grassland somewhere instead.

They Don't Call 'Em "Master Locks" For Nothing

No one, not the hero, not the villain, the villains crusty henchman, the villains brother-in-law, or even the gods, can open a locked door if they do not have the key. Regardless of whether you are the strongest man in the world, are level 99, have magic attacks that could level the entire building and the surrounding town in one shot, you will not, and can not ever open the locked door to the old farmer's house. Fortunately, the key normally resides in the rent-a-guard's front pocket, and will conviniently fall out onto the ground once you promptly knock him flat.

Object Obstruction Rule #1 ("I can't do it, it's just too hard." rule)

Akin to the above rule, the most POWERFUL MAN in the UNIVERSE cannot access a treasure chest, magic item, weapon, sandwich, or anything else that is obstruced by a box, crate, rock, statue, person, etc. by any conventional means (i.e. MOVING THE DAMN THING OUT OF THE WAY.) You will have to wait until either one of things happens:

1. Our heroes are blessed with some ancient hymn that will cause the barrier to crumble away.

2. The building is liberated from the tyrant's rule, and all of the treasure has been kindly left in easy-to-reach places, and is yours for the taking.

3. Some quirky werewolf pickpocket snatches it from under your noses.

4. You "get permission" from the king/queen to take the item. (See Object Obstruction Rule #2)

5. An earthquake/meteor/tidal wave/other natural disaster destroys the obstructing thing.

6. You finally accept that your characters cannot jump/move objects/kill innocent guards, and you forget about the stupid treasure chest/magic item/weapon/sandwich.

Object Obstruction Rule #2 ("Sorry there, kid. You need permission to take the Masamune." rule)

During your quest, you will always encounter a room that's "off limits" to planet-saving hero scumbags like you. This room is usually locked (gasp!) and guarded by one or two people that are less than half your level. Being smiley abiders of the common law, your party would never, ever consider kicking the bejeezus out of the rent-a-guards, and strolling past their unconscious bodies, looting the goods from the room beyond. Instead, you will have to comlplete a quest, run an extremely dangerous errand, or save the castle from the villain's army. Ironically, this item is usually a weapon of a very high caliber, and would have assisted you greatly in the previous task.

Oh, No! It's Sephiroth's Theme Music! Run For Your Lives!

You can always tell in advance when the villain is going to arrive on the scene by the familiar, eerie, dramatic tune that plays in the background for a good ten seconds before the evil one actually appears. His sneaky henchmen must've rigged the place with a decent soundsystem before you got there, and are waiting to cue the music at the appropriate moment. (Note: In the event that you are not yet familiar with the villain or his theme music, you can usually tell by the pounding of a pipe organ, the tolling of ancient bells, and the low chant of a gothic choir from the late 1300's.)

Silent Bob Rule #1 ("I heard that, Crono" rule)

In every game, there's always one character, who says little to nothing at all (Crono, Vincent, Gogo, Vivi, Squall, etc.) However, the other characters in the game will react and respond to this character, as they normally do with other, none-silent characters. Perhaps these select characters emit special psionic waves that tell absolutely everyone in the universe, besides the player, what they are thinking.

Silent Bob Rule #2 ("Da Mastah Playah" rule)

The aforementioned silent characters, although they say next to nothing (or in fact, nothing), they seem to have the absolute best luck with romantic relationships. Perhaps their significant others admire their inability to argue with them.

Obnoxious Ladies' Man Rule

As well as the silent, antisocial character is prevolent in most every rpg, so is the Obnoxious Ladies' Man (Edgar, Zidane, Irvine, Edge, etc.) Although said characters are girl crazy, and flirt as much as they fight, they never seem to have any luck with the ladies whatsoever. Such independent, strong rpg heroines apparently can't be bothered with the Obnoxious Ladies' Men, and instead, fall head over heels for the above Silent Bob characters.

She's Really Very Sorry! (Yuffie rule)

Being pure-hearted, understanding folks, rpg heroes are always ready to forgive the person who just stole four thousand Gil and half of their inventory from them, stabbed the innocent guy across the street, tied a plastic bag around a small dog's neck, and even kicked dirt in the hero's face. As long as the said character gives a one or two word apology, they're as good as party members to our heroes. We really value each other's kind words.

"I'm a gonna run you outta town, varmint!"

At some point in the game, you can always expect an overly-dramatic showdown between the hero, and his arch-rival. Usually, this fight will accomplish next to nothing, and in fact, both parties will walk away in decent condition, because one of the following things happened:

1. The female lead can't stand to see her beloved beat up on someone like this.

2. The female lead interposes, and insists that if her beloved is to die, than she will die as well, and the male rival (who is in fact, in love with her) cannot bear to take her life.

3. The rival's mistress cannot bear to see her beloved massacre someone/massacred, and takes similar action to 1 or 2.

4. Both female characters come to the shocking conclusion that "men are stupid" and walk away, not caring who survives, causing both combatants to desist and chase after them.

5. The real villain arrives on the scene and kidnaps one or both female characters, and both combatants stop fighting, unsure of what to do next.

6. The real villain arrives on the scene and abducts EVERYONE, placing them in a maximum security prison, which is, of course, extremely easy to escape from.

7. Both combatants are beaten to a pulp, and laughed at by their girlfriends, who decide to leave them there in the dirt, and discuss their problems over coffee at the local cafe.

It's All Relative

Any damage you sustain will be the same regardless of where on your body you were hit. Apparently a slash on the pinky finger is just as crippling as a direct blow to the head, or a stab through the heart. And don't ever worry about losing consciousness or bleeding to death, it just won't happen.

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