The NEXT Grand List of Console RPG Cliches
The Birdcage Rule
In almost every single rpg, there are some non-heterosexual elements present. A few examples are:
1) Men whom date other men for no apparent reason
2) Characters who either -
a: are unsure of their gender
b: have changed their gender one or multiple times
c: do not, in fact, have a gender
3) Men who oddly look like women and wear costumes composed of armored lingerie and eye makeup
4) Characters who make complete asses out of themselves in nauseatingly flamboyant dance sequences (see Micheal Flatly's Revenge)
Story Battle Rule ("You mean the last battle is really just an FMV and I can kick Sephiroth in the shins and still kill him? Cool!" rule)
In many an rpg, you will find that there's at least one battle that will have the same outcome whether you're giving your best perfomance that day, or your drunk and unconscious with your face laying on the controller, pressing random buttons. However disappointing this is, it still provides for some humorous scenes which are much more enjoyable than killing the boss yourself (or not.)
CLOUD - *uses ANTIDOTE on SEPHIROTH*
SEPHIROTH - *tilts head back and DIES*
GALUF - *protected by POWER OF LOVE, sits and twiddles thumbs*
EXEDEATH - *realizes that hate is useless against love...even if hate possesses FIRE 3...*
RPG Fan Rule ("Non-Conformity, dude!" rule)
I know them, you know them, hell, maybe you even are one. There's
always the person who no matter how cool or how well-developed,
believable, interesting, etc. the main character is, they are determined
to hate that characters guts, just because "everyone else likes them." Although
these people are usually low in IQ and high in ignorance, they still provide
many good laughs for us open-minded gamers, with their rallying cries of
"Cloud sucked! The game woulda been better without him! CAIT SITH 4 EVA! WOOOOO!" and
"Everyone likes Squall...he's like so mainstream man! Be an in-di-vi-du-al and...like...make yourself like someone who you don't really like just...like, not to be 'another one', man! Me? I'm, like, all for the Cactrot's, man! They were so...green and...prickly...yeah...not like those humanoid posers!"
These fans will go to great lengths to tear down the "mainstream" characters, instead of just PLAYING THE GOD DAMNED GAME, and enjoying it for what it is, not spending half their time ripping apart the hero and his girlfriend.
It's Maaaaaagic...You Know...
All female magic users are, as a rule, incredibly attractive.
So What If He's Wearing Pink And He Speaks In Pig Latin? Look At The Rendering On That Tree He's In!
Poor characters can always be compensated for by awesome graphics. (This also compensates for bad plots or the lack thereof.)
I Did It All For The...No...Wait...
Nope, sorry. These 16-17 year old kids have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. They completely accept that they have a job to do, and no matter how almost superhumanly-attractive the person in the bed next to them is, they can and will totally control themselves.
C'mon, Bitch! C'mon!!! (Seifer rule)
*Sigh*...the arrogant minor villains always bite off more they can chew. While really only going after their arch-rival, the hero, they more than welcome his allies into the fight, just to prove how tough they are. After all, what the hell could that girl with the frisbee on her arm or that old geezer with the staff do to them?
Hi! My Name Is...My Name Is...My Name Is... (Namingway rule)
If you're lucky enough, you just might come across the ever-elusive (or not) weirdo that lets you change your name. Whether this is via "rename card" or just a matter of him writing it in that strange little book he has, with the push of a few buttons, you can walk away with a brand new alias! Cool! And the awesome part is, every single person you come across, whether it be your mother, your closest friend, that kid that throws shit at you at lunch, the old hermit on the mountain, everyone in the world will be instantly informed of your new "nom de plume", and won't have any qualms about addressing you by it, even if it's someting evil and bizarre lifted directly from Dr. Seuss's The Cat In The Hat.
Dr. Jekyll's Corollary
The nicest, most helpful, trustworthy guy in the game will (nintey percent of the time) turn out to be the cruelest, most demonic bastard you've dealt with yet. Usually this is due to the fact that he is actually the villain or the villain's right hand man, cleverly shapeshifted into the kind old man at the orange stand down the street.
Timmy! Don't Play With Those Dice! You Might Do 4556 Points Of Damage To Yourself! Here! Play With This Mithril Blade Instead!
In the strange world of RPGs, you may find that the most unusual things can become lethal weapons at the drop of a hat. Oddly enough, these hair accessories/gamepieces/children's toys/cleaning impliments are often much more damaging than conventional weapons, such as swords and daggers.
Peace, Officer! (Ranger rule)
Police and authorities are almost completely nonexistant, until you've suddenly done something bad. Surprise! They've been hiding this whole time!
It'll Be There By Ten Tomorrow, Or NO Ragnarok!
At least once in the game you'll be asked to make some menial delivery (like bringing a bottle of apple juice to some guy's house) Although this has absolutely no relevance to the game, goal, or the sought after item, it will kindly convince the nice old miser to toss you the keys to his brand new airship.
You Killed My Mother! I'm Really Gonna Beat You Up Now!
No matter how many times the bad guys openly threaten our heroes with death, torture, polka music, etc, and sometimes carry out these threats, our heroes never seem to respond in kind. Instead, we noblely "Vow to defeat them for the good of mankind!" or some such sugar-coated nonsense. Geez, these guys have cool heads for mercenaries, necromancers, assassins, and the other calm, happy types found in the world.
Wow! Won't We Not Be Surprised When They Don't Say Anything (Garnet rule)
For some reason, the programmers felt the need to specify (even when no text had been displayed for the last thirty minutes) that certain characters are not saying anything. You will be notified periodically what characters are still not speaking by the ever-famous "......".
Gotta Go With The Flow, Mon!
For some odd reason, the absolute most awesome characters in the game (Seifer, Beatrix, Edea, Leo, Blank...) only grace your party for a mere one or two missions. Sadly, it seems that the moment you pick your jaw up off the floor from gawking at their absolutely awesome abilities, they promptly bid thee ado and hightail it out of there, for your party is now "old news" and is no longer "hip" enough for their "mad phatness"...or something like that. You know the rest, my doggs.
Michael Flatly's Revenge
As a rule, in every single rpg, there is always, always, always some sort of dance sequence in some part of the game. These scenes are (for the most part) tasteless, nauseatingly childish, and make me want to stab no.2 pencils into my eyes and rip them from their sockets. I don't usually do this, but I just have to rant about this one. Sorry, kids.
1.) YOU ARE NOT A CAVEMAN, CRONO! STOP DANCING LIKE A FOOL! SHE ALREADY WANTS YOU!
2.) I didn't know Riverdance was big in Burmecia...hell...I didn't even know Celtic Ireland swapped cultures with a bunch of talking rats.
3.) I am NEVER going into Cafe HOWDY ever, ever, EVER again.
4.) Gee...I'm really glad I spent TEN THOUSAND GP on a pass at the Saloon KING to see one-inch-tall go-go dancers jump across the screen...am I supposed to be turned on here? I need your help, people.
5.) Oh, well, I guess I have no complaints about the ff8 ballroom dance...it was at least done...tastefully.
I Think I Can, I Think I Can!
As much as they try to over-dramatize it, drag it out, and lead you to believe otherwise, the lead character will always emerge from the ruins of the final battle. True, afterward he may go off on a tangent that leads him to be trapped in the bottom of a psychotic tree for the duration of the year, and he may even be sucked back many years into the past, but never fear. Our hero will always swagger back on camera, in mint condition, shortly before the scene cuts, and that strange woman sings a song during the credits.
HAHAHA! Boy Did I Beat You Up! It's OK Now! We Forgive You, Loser.
Often, the villain will be forgiven by the party shortly after he gets the crap beat out of him. Unfortunately/fortunately he will pass away as soon as you utter words of kindness because he was mortally wounded/in possession of only half a body/hit by a bus, etc. You get the idea.
Thanks to Django, my cliche' partner in crime for coming up with some ideas.
Thanks to Icy Brian for this chunk of webspace upon which I have babbled endlessly.
Thanks to the people I constantly read these to for their opinions for not kicking me in frustration.
Most of all, thanks to the readers that send me feedback of what they think of my cliche' lists, and my fanfics in the CT/FF7 section. I haven't posted much in a while, but never fear. I've got some noise up in these hizeadphones, and the next list will be out soon.
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