Battle #1: Nanaki vs. Thanqoul (9/18/98)
By Icy Brian
So you know, this is what our fights are like, only fanficitized (hey, I made up a new word.) All the quotes and actions (other than the ending) in this story are directly taken from the chat transcript, so this can be considered fiction or nonfiction depending on how you look at it. If you think that some of the stuff is a bit on the gross side, complain to Thanqoul. He's the one who was doing it. Also, this story proves that I CAN do comedy (I think.) Enjoy the first in a series of LoF Battle Fics!
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Gasper took his seat at the window to the Legion of Fantasy Battle Arena, conveniently located beside his lamppost. He looked in at the strange creature inside, who had just cast Wall of Hell on himself. A voice called up to Gasper from the bottom of the staircase leading to the balcony. "Mind if I join you?"
"Huh, Taran?" Gasper asked, looking at the teen making his way up the steps. A short laugh diverted his attention to the entrance into the arena, where Nanaki stood preparing to enter.
"All right, time for Thanqoul to get creamed." He stepped inside and immediately cast Dispel on Thanqoul.
"Yeah, Gasper, mind if I join you up here?" Taran asked again. Gasper motioned for him to come over, not taking his eyes off the two below. A yellow glow overcame one of Thanqoul's paws, and he cast Warp Lightning on Nanaki. Taran looked around for something to sit on, but seeing nothing, he decided to float for the time being.
"Huh." Nanaki grinned cockily. "I almost felt that."
"This ought to be good." Gasper commented to Taran. Below, Nanaki cast Big Guard on himself. Seeing that Taran was still floating, Gasper summoned a chair for him.
"Yep." Taran pulled the seat up and sat down. "Thanks." Thanqoul grinned and, with a scream, morphed into a Horned Beast.
"And...no response from the opposition." Nanaki sighed. "Hmm... You deserve better than this. Heh." Three bolts of lightning shot down around Nanaki. When the smoke cleared, Ramza stood grinning in the center. "And away we go!"
"Go Red!" Gasper shouted.
"Don't you think this is just a LITTLE too much like the Romans?" Taran whispered to Gasper, who just shrugged.
"Fools." Horned One muttered. With a shout, Ramza jumped up in the air, attempting to drive his sword into the odd beast's skull. It moved out of the way and pushed Ramza down, holding him there arrogantly with one hand. A bowl of popcorn materialized in Gasper's hands, and he offered it to Taran.
"Thanks again." He said, beginning to much on the buttery pieces of corn.
"I sense an attack imminent..." Ramza growled, a glint in his eye. "Hamedo!" The Horned One proceeded to stomp his hoof on Ramza's chest and started to attack him with Doom Glaive. Nanaki sighed and shoved him off.
"Um... Play the game and learn the moves." Nanaki said, shaking his head. "That cancelled you, big shot."
"Oh well." Taran snickered.
"Hmm... We might have to help." Gasper whispered back.
"I can handle him!" Nanaki shouted at him through the glass.
"Okay." Gasper said, smiling.
"Am I supposed to know Tactics?" The Horned One ranted. "I told you I hate it."
"Don't blame me if you don't know the moves, that's all I'm saying." Ramza said, more than a bit annoyed.
"Well don't blame me either." The beast replied, its teeth clenched.
"That WOULD be fun..." Taran muttered. Gasper looked over at him.
"Huh, explain?"
"To get involved down there." The Horned One hit Ramza with Doom Glaive and roared. Ramza countered with Meatbone Slash, and his opponent screamed out in pain.
"Let them fight it out for the moment." Gasper said, interested in the battle going on below them.
"Time to bring in an aspect of my fanfics..." Nanaki said, almost as a mumble. The Horned One cast Curse of the Horned One on Nanaki and laughed.
"In twenty seconds you will become a skaven." Not wanting to become one of the hideous rats, Ramza cast Esuna on himself.
"Spearhead Charge!" Ramza yelled out. He slammed his spear into the Horned One, who shrieked in pain. "That's gotta hurt."
"The skaven-meister is in a bit of trouble." Came a voice from behind Gasper and Taran. The two turned around to see Icy Brian leaning against the back wall, his arms folded across his chest.
"Brian! Care to join Taran and I?" Gasper summoned another chair, which Taran pulled up beside the window. Icy took his seat to watch the fight.
"Thanks." No sooner than he had sat down, the Horned One cast Plague on Ramza.
"I'll live with it for the moment." He said, a knowing grin on his face.
"Urgh!" The Horned One grunted in disgust. "Nurgle, great God of Pestilence, your power is needed!" In a flash of light the Horned One disappeared, and in its place stood Nurgle.
"The god of Pestilence isn't great..." Taran argued.
"Nurgle?" Icy asked, a bit confused.
"I am the unclean one." The thing replied. Indeed it was. The creature was fat, bloated, swarming with flies, and drenched in a coat of phlegm, muck, and ooze.
"Queklain, in other words." Ramza muttered. "Time to up the power level." White light exploded out of his body as he morphed into Velius.
"Gee, I wonder who's going to be winning here." Icy mumbled sarcastically.
"Heh heh." Velius laughed, summoning a Cyclops to attack Nurgle.
"I know you can't, but use a Limit Break!" Gasper shouted. Velius summoned a few Ultima Demons to make things interesting.
"GURGLE." Nurgle whimpered.
"Alas, poor Nurgle, I knew him well." Icy quipped. Gasper slapped him on the back.
"Ooh, good one."
"Farewell Thanq." Taran called out.
"What do you mean 'Farewell Thanq'?" Nurgle asked in a state of perplexity.
"Hmm... Now for a grand finale..." With an ear-splitting scream, Velius morphed into Hashmalum. Nurgle immediately threw up on him. Not paying it any heed, Hashmalum began to concentrate.
"Farewell, Nurgle." Gasper chuckled.
"Ooh, this oughtta be good." The Iceman said, leaning forward slightly in his seat. He sat back disappointed as Nurgle upchucked a mixture of maggots and ooze all over Hashmalum. "Well, not yet."
"That's nasty!" Taran blurted, appalled by this action. Nurgle's diseased guts began to spill out, creating a pile of vile compost around Hashmalum.
"BNAAAA HAAHAHAHA!" Nurgle chortled. When he wasn't looking, Icy cast Antidote on Hashmalum.
"Doesn't Thanq play a little dirty?" Taran asked.
"You call that a little dirty?" Brian responded, motioning to the piles of ooze and vomit lying on the ground.
"I don't think dirty even begins to describe this." Gasper stated. An enormous battle cry arose, and Hashmalum summoned a meteor, then stepped back to watch the destruction.
"GHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Nurgle screamed in pain as the meteor collided with him, splattering him into the ground. His guts flew everywhere, and maggots splattered against the glass in front of the three spectators.
"I can live with a little barf." Hashmalum said dryly.
"I think Nurgle's gone!" Gasper yelled, happy to not see the disgusting creature any longer.
"And it's over." Icy commented. "The poor fool never stood a chance." The little remnants of Nurgle reformed into Thanqoul. The Seerlord of the Skaven stood back up.
"...With his barf, maggots, and all." Taran stated as Gasper summoned Ifrit to melt the remaining mess.
"Wow." Thanqoul said in disbelief. Hashmalum morphed back into Nanaki.
"Told you I could handle it." He said matter-of-factly.
"Good show!" Gasper applauded in congratulations.
"Let us all have a minute of mourning for Thanqoul..." Taran said, lowering his head.
"Yes, for he was surely buried." Brian chuckled.
"You're getting better Thanq, but Tactics rules." Nanaki said to the large rat in front of him.
"Let's see how you handle..." Thanqoul knelt down and changed his form into a creature which looked like a bird with a man's body. "Tzeentch!"
"Ooh, it's not over!" Taran shouted. "Round Two, fight!" Tzeentch summoned Tzeentch Wind to confuse Nanaki.
"I am the Lord of Magic!" Tzeentch claimed.
"The Lord of Magic? Don't you mean Lord of the Flies? Or is it Lord of the Dance?" Icy pondered.
"Is that a fact, birdman?" Nanaki clenched his fist and took on the form of Doom. "I am one of the three godesses who created magic. Don't be so cocky." Tzeentch began to do Riverdance and chant. Doom was dumbfounded and confused by the mystifying effect of the dancing. "What the hell?"
"Now THAT is unfair." Gasper laughed.
"Uh oh, he just got the upperhand with that Riverdance." Icy said, looking on in horror as Doom was mesmerized by the international dancing displayed by Tzeentch. The evil bird cast Confusion of Tzeentch on Doom. The three looked on as Doom was forced to do Riverdance as well.
"Riverdance... Doesn't Mog do that?" Taran asked thoughtfully.
"I thought it was a show." Gasper laughed once more.
"Mog IS Lord of the Dance!" Brian proclaimed. Tzeentch flew up into the air and screamed out a bird cry, waking Doom out of its Riverdance trance. "A bird cry? Man, now that's power..." While hovering in midair, Tzeentch morphed into a new form. A knock eminated from the door, and Taran got up to get it. On the other side stood JWolf.
"Hey guys, just thought I'd stop- what the hell's going on?!" He stared at the battle going on below.
"I am Khorne, the Master of Destruction!"
"I am the Master of Cheese!" JWolf shouted. "Behold my limburger sword!"
"First Lord of the Dance, now the Master of Destruction. What's next, Swatter of the Newspaper?" Brian inquired. JWolf whimpered at the mention of newspaper.
"Isn't that Sam's title?" Gasper asked.
"No, that would be Keeper of the Newspaper." Icy corrected. In a flash of black light, Doom had morphed into Atma. Khorne used the Whip of Khorne to paralyze Atma. He then used the Axe of Khorne to attack him.
"Whip of Khorne! Axe of Khorne! Sword of Khorne! Spear of Khorne! Cob of Khorne!" Icy yelled. Taran burst out laughing.
"My mind still works though..." Atma pointed out. He cast Flare Star on Khorne, who fell to the ground, but got back up to attack Atma with the Axe of Khorne again.
"I am the bloodletter." Khorne stated. He slit Atma's throat, but no blood poured out.
"Who says Weapons have blood?" Atma smiled.
"I am the drinker of blood!" Khorne screamed, going into a frenzy and once again attacking Atma with the Axe of Khorne.
"I prefer Sprite." Gasper said. JWolf laughed. Khorne gave an annoyed look at the spectators.
"Ah, so Khorne is actually Gangrel in disguise..." Icy noted.
"Gangrel!" JWolf shouted.
"Ah, the paralysis is wearing off..." Atma said, taking a step forward. He cast Full Cure on himself. Khorne hit Atma with the Axe of Khorne yet again. "This Weapon needs more power..." Atma morphed once again, this time taking the form of Serges. Khorne tried to paralyze him with the Whip of Khorne, but it was to no avail.
"Nevermind. That couldn't be Gangrel. Gangrel has talent." Icy mocked.
"Oooooh... That was cold." JWolf put in. Serges began to concentrate.
"I knew a guy named Serges." Gasper commented. "Really a weird guy."
"I knew him too." Brian said thoughtfully. "Didn't he run that 7-11?"
"Well, not really. It was a Texaco."
"Ah, Texaco. The best place for all that is Slurpie."
"Good one Icy!" Taran laughed. Brian took a bow.
"7-11 has a Surge Slurpie." JWolf pointed out.
"No, no, Wolf. A Serges Slurpie" Icy told him.
"I must say, you fight cheesily, Khorne." Serges said. He cast Ultima on Khorne. After screaming in pain, Khorne morphed once again.
"I am Slaanesh!" He rumbled. "I am the Master of Charm!"
"You're just the master of everything today, aren't you?" Icy asked. "But the real question is, are you Master of Your Domain?" Ignoring him, Slaanesh created a group of beautiful demonettes.
"Woah!" Gasper exclaimed. "Will Serges recover from that?!?!"
"Hehehehehehe." Slaanesh laughed. He sent the demonettes, with their sickly charm, to kill Serges. Before the could reach him, the Weapon stepped on the group, flattening them out. Serges then picked up Slaanesh, tossed him into the air, and then smacked him into the wall like a volleyball serve. "OUCH!!!!"
"What a wuss. I could take that!" Angered, Slaanesh morphed into Death and tried to kill all the spectators. Failing to succeed, he turned back into Slaanesh. Serges summoned Phoenix, and Slaanesh fell to the ground in a heap, returning to his original form, that of the Seerlord of the Skaven.
"Ugh, I give up." The skaven declared.
"And it's over as soon as it's begun, just like a Bart Gunn Brawl-For-All match!" Icy laughed. Thanqould began to crawl off.
"Not so fast! One more spell to put an end to this: Merton!"
"Shut up!" Thanqoul attempted to cast Silence, but couldn't.
"Too late, skaven boy." Serges mocked. He reverted back to Nanaki. "There. Now it's really over." Nanaki laughed and walked out of the arena, leaving a disgruntled Thanqoul standing in the center by himself.
"I guess that's that." Gasper said, emptying the last few kernels from the popcorn bowl into his hand. "Not too bad."
"You're right. It was good." Icy commented. "It's been a while since I had popcorn that buttery. My compliments to the chef."
"Um, I think he meant the fight, Icy." Taran explained. Brian shrugged.
"No, actually I was referring to the popcorn." Gasper told him. "I guess the fight was okay too."
"Yeesh, some fight." Icy griped. "Where are the celebrity tag-partners? Where's the outside interference? Where's the screw-job ending? Where's Tony screwing up the commentary? Where's... Oh wait, this isn't WCW." Taran rolled his eyes.
"Well, fight's over. Time to leave, I suppose." Gasper stood up. "Until next time." He shook Brian's hand and waved good-bye to Taran.
"Join us next week." Taran said as Gasper left. "Same Legion time, same Legion channel."
"That was lame, Taran." Icy remarked.
"Yeah, but it's better than nothing."
"No, actually it isn't."
"Oh. Well, in that case, I'll be taking my leave as well. Have a nice day." Taran got up and left. After he was gone, Brian stood up and looked down at Thanq, who was still sitting bewildered in the arena.
"Yo, skaven dude!" The creature looked up. "Battle's over!" Thanqoul rattled his head.
"Oh, uh, yeah, I knew that." He slowly got to his feet and left the arena. Icy laughed and walked out the door. Before leaving, he raised his hand into the air and the lights dimmed out. The door closed behind him as he made his way down the hall. About a minute later a banging sound was heard eminating from within.
"Guys! Let me out! I fell asleep!" JWolf screamed, continuing to bang on the door. "Come on, this isn't funny! Guys! Guys?"
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