Crono Goes to College Part 1
By Cadet McNally
"Crono! Get out of bed, Crono! CRONO! GET YOUR @$$ OUT OF BED, NOW DAMMIT!" Crono's mother gently awakens him. "You're going to college now. I'm glad you chose to further your education. Here's your luggage." She hands him a suitcase containing his suits. "Now be a good boy. I understand Lucca and Nad... er Marle will be there, too!" Crono gets up as his mother walks down the stairs. After looking in the suitcase, finding it contained suits, he threw it out the window and got his, which contained his favorite clothes, Rainbow (he hangs it on his wall), and a few other items, and walked out the door. He met Lucca and Marle at the carriage the King arranged to take them to Guardia University.
"Hey, Crono. Turns out that we're staying in the Crono Wing dorm," said Lucca. "Where are you staying?" Crono looks at his registration papers.
"Uh... Lavos Is A Jerk Wing dorm. Guess the students named that one." He looks over his schedule and compares it to Lucca's and Marle's. "Huh. We all have the same classes." He also looks over the seating arrangements. "We're also sitting together. Must be a really weird coincidence." Their classes were: Recent history, History of Zeal, Magic 101, Robotics 203, History of the Lavos Incident, and Time Travel. Looks like an easy year.
When they arrived, they noticed that everyone knew who they were. Fortunately, no one asked for autographs. "Thank God," noted Marle. The Crono left Marle and Lucca to go to his dorm. Lucca and Marle would be roomies. "The coincidences go on and on," said Marle. Crono notes that his roomie hadn't arrived yet, so he unpacked, put up his decorations (hiding Rainbow, of course), glued his shoes to the ceiling and waited. When his roommate walked in, Crono was sitting on the floor and groaning.
"Wha...?" Fritz was confused. He saw Crono on the floor. He saw Crono's shoes on the ceiling. He looked back at Crono, then back at the shoes. Then back at Crono. Then back at the shoes. Crono laughed.
"Hi, Fritz. Sorry about the joke." Crono stood up and took his shoes off the ceiling. "Long time, no see." Fritz was just standing there with his mouth open.
"How do you, Crono, a big celebrity, know my name, Fritz, a nobody?" Fritz had forgotten his little "visit" to the prison.
"Remember? The prison, the guillotine?"
"Oh, yeah."
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After awhile, Crono left for his first class, Recent History. Recent History was taught by a man named Tata. Crono sat in between Lucca and Marle. "Now class," Tata began. "Today is your first day, so we'll begin with something easy. During the Lavos Incident, when was the Day of Lavos supposed to occur?" A hand went up in the back. "Yes? You, the one in the back."
"2000 A.D.," he said. Mr. Tata nodded.
"Yes, that is corre..." Crono raised his hand. "Yes? You had a question?" Crono stood up.
"No, a correction. That answer is wrong, it happened in 1999 A.D." Everyone (except Lucca, Crono, and Marle) gasped.
"Really? And how would you know?"
"Because I was there." Everyone (except Lucca, Crono, and Marle) laughed. They suddenly stopped, noticing who Crono was.
"Really? Hah! Yeah, sure kid," said Tata, not knowing who Crono was. Crono saw Tata didn't know who he was.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. Tata looked at his seating chart.
"Yes I do. You are Crono..." he stopped. "CRONO?! I'm so sorry, sir! Class, make a note that the Day of Lavos was supposed to be 1999 A.D." Everyone opened their textbooks and changed the thingerbabobb. Thingerbabobb, you ask? Remember that this story is to be funny, so DON'T GO NITPICKING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT! *ahem*
In the next class, History of Zeal, the class was taught by a woman with blue hair. Crono decided to take a nap. "Ahem! Mr. Crono. Since you figured you know more about Zeal than I do, please share your knowledge with us!" She looked in the textbook. "Who was the one with blue hair?"
"Be more specific. Everyone had blue hair."
"And how would you know that?" she asked.
"I've been there."
"Good point. Who was the one WITHOUT blue hair?"
"I think it was Dalton." Crono tried to remember anyone else without blue hair. "And the Gurus."
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Harry was sitting at his computer typing to his From the Earth to the Moon soundtrack, making notes to himself that he'd have to fix the speakers. Better talk my CIA contact again, too....
WHAT?! I actually WROTE that?! Jeez! I just blew my cover! Oh, well. Remember the nukes dropped on Russia? No? Well that's because there WERE none! Hahahahahahahaha! Fooled you! I'm with the CIA. I'm not an agent, I'm not a spy, I'm a Field Intelligence Officer. I'm the one who infiltrated the Soviet Union and stole Lenin's body and replaced it with a wax statue. I don't speak Russian because the CIA uses the term "acceptable loss" but I'm still here. Back to the story!
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Crono went to lunch. So did Marle and Lucca. They sat together. They talked. That's about all that happened. Oh, yeah! They ate, too! What? You want to know what they SAID?! Why?? Oh. That's a good reason. Okay, I'll pull something together.
"Lucca? Are you Lucca?" a young student asked.
"Yes," she replied, looking at Crono for help. He and Marle were flirting again. "Yes I am."
"Will you marry me?" he asked with a blush.
"WHAT?! It's so sudden. Also..." she said, noticing who it was, "I'd rather kiss a crap- encrusted butt!"
"That can be arranged..." muttered Satan. He broke in song. It sounded like Yankee Doodle, but it wasn't. "Lavos is a met-e-or, he comes from outer space! Then he crashed down on the Earth and took up lots of space. For some reason, he dug down and waited there for years. In that time, I had drunk 90 thousand beers!"
"Oh, dear God! Crono's singing!!"
"Somewhere, beyond the sea. Somewhere..." sang Crono.
"That's great, Crono!" said Marle.
"Shut up," agreed Lucca. Just then a man wearing underwear on his head leapt up onto the table.
"BANZAI!!" he yelled. "No quarter asked or given!" he screamed, waving a toy sword around in the air. "Damn the torpedoes, FULL SPEED AHEAD!" He picked up a pot of beer, drank it and starting playing the Guardian National Anthem, "God save us all", on a kazoo. He fell over onto a fork and screamed. Crono and company looked at the man in awe.
"Aww...." No, awe! A-W-E! "Ooohh!" Crono began to chuckle, Lucca tittered, and Marle giggled. Crono burst into laughter, and so did everyone else in the room. Everyone fell onto the floor laughing. The man stood up, lifted his sword, swung it, and cut the rope to the chandelier. It fell on him. Crono looked at him with pity. The man looked up and saw he looked at him with pity.
"Do not look upon me with pity! I am Underwear Man! Hero of the Ages! Mentor to the great Crono!" He began to sing "Sh-Boom" and everyone laughed.
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Arriving at Magic 101, they saw it was taught by a large purple guy who was bulging with muscles. "Hi. I'm Spekkio. I AM the master of war! Oh. It's just you. You automatically pass," said the instructor. Crono, Lucca and Marle grinned. It was gonna be an easy year. Class ended quickly because they all took naps. They went to their next class, Robotics in room 203. The instructor, who had a finger and a half, told them that it "Izz nut possiblee to built a humanoyde raw-boot because raw-boots are still boots no matter what, even if you cook 'em." He then farted the Gettysburg Address. Crono and the rest of the class rolled their eyes skyward.
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They went to the History of the Lavos Incident class. Crono asked the instructor for the final exam and asked if he aced it that he be excused from class. The instructor agreed. He also agreed that the conditions apply for Lucca and Marle, too. They passed with flying colors. They even corrected the exam. The class ended soon because they fell asleep and went to Time Travel class. They asked the same thing and passed. They went to their dorm rooms to sleep. Crono went bar-hopping. He knocked on Lucca's and Marle's door stone drunk and wearing his jam- jams.
"Hi *hic* Luccaaaaaaa. Hi Marllelleelelee. Howard (how are) *hic* you? I'm fiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Ooohhh! A biscuit!!" Crono dropped down and tried to eat the carpet. Lucca went to get a baseball bat. Marle giggled.
"Nice jam-jams, Crono." Crono gagged on the floor.
"Dat biscuit tasted like carpet." Crono struggled to his feet. "Hi Marleleleeeleele. Howzabout a hugguhug *hic*?" Marle got up and hugged Crono. Crono fell over during the hug, landing on top of Marle and fell asleep. Marle was on her side under a mass of drunken hero. She struggled out and got a pan of cold water to wake Crono up. Lucca walked in and beat Crono over the head with the bat. Crono woke up. "Ow ow ow ow *hic* ow ow. Sheesh, Pukka. Dat hurt." He was giggling loudly now. Harry looked up. Did I lower Crono to THIS? Boy, am I a mean SOB. Crono sobered up real quick thanks to divine inspiration. He then remembered he was an atheist and decided to be drunk again. He looked at Lucca. "You bastard," was all he said. He pulled out his 9mm automatic pistol-shaped mechanical pencil and started firing pieces of graphite at her. Lucca made a mental note to make a device that could sober Crono up really fast. She bought a heavy length of pipe. She joined Crono in his bar- hopping adventure along with Marle. Marle and Crono got drunk. She took notes. The night ended with Crono stuffing pens up his nose and Marle flirting with a cactus. Lucca groaned, learning how immature and stupid college students can be. Crono sneezed and a pen hit her in the head.
In the morning, Crono woke up with a hangover and enlarged nostrils. Marle woke up with a hangover and cactus thorns in her hands. Lucca woke up with a bruise in the forehead. It being a Saturday, they decided not to go to school. Crono met Marle and Lucca for breakfast. Marle had bandages on her hands and Lucca wore one on her forehead. "I wish I knew what the hell I did last night," said Crono. "I woke up an my nostrils were big."
"Oh, God! Tell me about it! When I woke up, I had cactus thorns in my hands!" Lucca spoke up.
"Both of you got drunk. Crono, you started stuffing pens up your nose and you, Marle, were flirting with a cactus!" Lucca shouted. Crono and Marle looked at each other and puked. Lucca groaned.
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It was 11:32 PM when Harry wrote this part on the 24th of August, 1998. It was the eve of his 14th birthday. And it was a pisser. First he lost his $34.94 he got as a present from two of his friends. Then he lost his favorite CD. He then found his money in the pocket of a pair of shorts that were in the wash. The CD didn't turn up. Oh, well. If you feel you would like to send a birthday present to Harry (albeit a late one), e-mail him and ask for his address. Cash is accepted. $5 dollars at least. Anything less is considered an insult. Thank you and have a nice day. *cha-ching!*
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Crono's nose was still sore. Marle's hands were better after she persuaded Lucca to pull out the thorns with a pair of tweezers. Since they already passed all of their classes, they kicked back all year. They picked advanced classes of the same subject and passed those. They were awarded PH.D.s and were told to never return when their first year ended. In that time, Crono got drunk, Marle dated Crono, Lucca dated Fritz, Crono flirted with Abby, Megan, Mary, Sarah, Amanda, Alice, and Stacey. Marle slapped him across the face and called him a jerk. Crono apologized and they started going out again. Lucca dumped Fritz after he confused a lug nut with a sledgehammer, stating that she does "not go out with someone with the IQ of a jar of mayo!"
Naturally, all good things must come to an end. An evil sorcerer by the name of Skippy was formulating his evil plot. He was showing it to his cronies. "I call it... TANG!" said Skippy.
His evil laughter was heard for yards. Many, many yards.
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Tang hit the markets. It had an evil effect on people. It was tangy and it melted the brains. Lucca bought some and did a full test on it. She discovered that it was tangy and it melted the brains. "This stuff's tangy and it melts the brains!" she cried. Crono walked in.
"Ooh! A drink!" He gulped it down. "Mmm. It's tangy. AAHHHHGGGGHH!! It's melting my brains!!" He giggled. "I'm going to visit my.... person who gave me... living at the place where... my bed and TV... is." Crono tried leaving through the toilet, but all he got into the drain was his foot. "This... thing won't flush." He pressed the lever until the toiled flooded. Lucca groaned. In order to save the world, she'd have to come up with an antidote. Marle came in and drank the other glass.
"Mmm. It's tangy. AAHHHHGGGGHH!! It's melting my brains!!" She giggled. Actually, Lucca noted, it has no effect on her...
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"Ahhhhahhahahahahhahhhahah!!!" laughed Skippy. His next plot was to give an unlimited supply of Tang to NASA, the fiend. He was going to create a stereotype that would never die...
"Skippy?" asked a henchman named "Fluffy." "Spanky and Giggles wanted to know when we could speak again." They had all been branded "The Three Stooges" and were sentenced to...
"SHUT UP!" yelled Skippy. A man with pointed shoes entered the room.
"Hi, guys. I was wondering if anyone wanted to play with the beach ball," he said. Skippy spoke up.
"Remember what happened last time? The ball popped on your shoes." The man with the pointed shoes whined.
"But I wanna play with the ball!" said the man with the pointed shoes. He was getting upset that he was being referred to as the man with the pointed shoes. "I do have a name, you know."
Yes, I do know. But I haven't thought of one yet.
"How about Crono?" he asked.
Taken.
"Adolf?"
No.
"Yuri?"
No.
"Ivan? Anatoly? Vasily? Viktor? Josef? Nikita? Boris?"
No! What's with the Russian names?
"Beats me, Comrade."
AAHHRRGGHH!! You're name is "Kenny."
"But why?"
'Cause you pissed off the writer.
"How?"
I dunno. You just did. I'll just tweak your character a bit... (Kenny becomes a kid in an orange sweatsuit with the hood up so you can't see his face)
"Mmmrrruuuffffgghhh," said Kenny. Skippy and Fluffy laughed. Spanky walked into the room carrying a loaded shotgun. He tripped over the floor and it went off. The shells blew Kenny's brains out.
"Oh my God!" cried Skippy. "You killed Kenny!" Fluffy leapt at him.
"You bastard!!" Fluffy feebly smacked at Spanky's forehead. Spanky screamed.
"Watch the sunburn!! OWWW!!" Just then, Homer walked into the room.
"Mmm... chocolate." Skippy got irritated. He pointed at me.
"Harry," he said, "Can't we PLEASE just go on with the story?" Fine. RUIN my carefully planned slapstick episode. LET'S continue with the story.
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Crono put the plunger from his dorm on his head and Marle put the plunger from her dorm on her head. They dueled with the handles. They fell over belching. Lucca sighed. "SHUT UP!" Marle and Crono went and sat in the corner. They farted at each other and giggled. "Personally, I liked them better when they were drunk. They had brains then." Crono spoke up.
"Leadership is something that wins battles. I have it, but I'll be damned if I can define it." Lucca groaned.
"Great. Now he's quoting Patton."
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his." Crono thought for a moment. "If Iiiiiiiiii were king of the foressssssstttttt!"
"Oh no." She shoved a sock into Crono's mouth. Just then, Robo walked in.
"May I be of assistance?" Lucca gasped.
"How'd you get in here?!" she asked. Robo shrugged.
"There are so many holes in the plot that the story could have been written on Swiss cheese." Lucca nodded and pointed to the brainless heroes.
"How are we going to fix that?" Robo examined Lucca's findings on Tang and gasped.
"This crap is 15% orangutan hair!" Crono started to march around and sing.
"Fighting soldiers from the sky. Fearless men who jump and die. Men who mean just what they say, the brave men of The Green Beret. Silver wings upon their chests, these are men, America's best. One hundred men we'll test today, but only three win The Green Beret. Trained to live off nature's land. Trained in combat, hand to hand. Men who fight by night and day, courage take from The Green Beret. Silver wings upon their chests, these are men, America's best. One hundred men we'll test today, but only three win The Green Beret. Back at home, a young wife waits. Her Green Beret has met his fate. He has died for those oppressed, leaving her this last request: Put silver wings on my son's chest. Make him one of America's best. He'll be a man they'll test one day. Have him win The Green Beret."
"See?! This stuff is making him sing The Ballad of the Green Beret!!" screamed Lucca. "We have to do something!"
"Lucca, I like that song. Especially the last part. It's kinda touching." Lucca disagreed.
"I think it's too John Wayne." Robo got angry at her.
"Don't EVER say that!!"
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Skippy was conferring with Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor. "How the HELL did you get here?!" Skippy asked. Sauron was from the Tolkien Lord of the Rings trilogy and had little or nothing to do with Chrono Trigger. Sauron shrugged.
"Beats me." Just then, Fluffy walked in.
"Hey, boss! I've just got a evil plan! There's this really crappy group called the Spice Girls and..."
"It'll never work," interrupted Skippy. "I've seen them perform. They'll never be popular." Fluffy walked out of the room, dejected. "As I was saying, Sauron, I need to learn the lore of Ring making so I can..."
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Crono and Marle were now in comas. The fact that their brains had shut down had caught up with them. "I wonder why Marle never went into a coma before now," said Lucca.
"Simple. Marle had a brain, it just was never used." Robo had been working on a way to restore their brains. He had discovered that Tang was not only a brain melter, but it was an evil drink. "This stuff is not only a brain melter, but it's an evil drink!" Lucca was trying to find a way to restore Crono's brain. "How's the research going, Lucca?"
"Not good. I don't think I'll be able to restore Crono's brain..."
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************************Chapter II: The Nazis Strike*****************************
In 1939, the war came. Hitler had his army invade Poland. Despite brave resistance from Polish forces, Poland fell to the Nazis. Let's take a time out to view Hitler's plan...
Skippy was watching his World War II documentaries again. He looked up to see Fluffy running to his room carrying something. He turned to Spanky. "What was he carrying?"
"I dunno. Probably beer and dirty mag..." Suddenly, the scene shifted...
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Robo and Lucca were playing scrabble. "Robo," she said, "I don't think that we're playing Four-Letter Scrabble." Robo groaned.
"Fine. Let's play Monopoly instead." He got the board.
"Okay, but no cheating this time!" Robo groaned again. Suddenly, Harry noticed that the story had been dragging on and on with no hope for an ending. So he decided to say...
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TO BE CONCLUDED... (MAYBE)
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