My Fellow Dragnierians II Chapter 1
What Do You Want on YOUR Tombstone?
By Fred Delles
Two years after Fei and Elly's landing in the present world
"Now doesn't THAT just beat all?" said Rei, who was staring outside at a massive transport vehicle.
"That's a Boeing 747, you moron!" Teepo yelled. "Can't you even remember? You always see these damn things in the Los Angeles airport!"
"Oh yeah, sorry," Rei said, totally downcast. "What are we here for, anyway?"
"We're supposed to pick up something for Momo! Can't you remember!?" Teepo replied. "Where's Ryu, anyway?"
"He's finding a way to get Bleu out of jail! Can't YOU remember!?" Rei spat, noticing Ryu scanning a book entitled Public Nudity: Codes and Statures.
"No, I don't want to know," Teepo commented. After Ryu walked up to the two, the three walked to the next gate.
Back in the "Stephen King and John Grisham ONLY" bookstore, a tall, black-haired, vampiric man stared the cashier right in the eye.
"Do you have anything by Anne Rice?" the vampiric man asked.
"Get out!" the cashier yelled, pointing at the exit.
" .." The vampiric man walked out, following the cashier's exact direction.
Outside, the vampiric man joined a blue-haired Ryu-like young man named Rudy and a bulkier, muscular, dark-skinned older guy named Barret.
" Rudy Barret," the vampiric man greeted.
"Vincent," Rudy replied. "You ready?"
" .." Vincent silently replied.
"I'll take that as a 'yes'," Rudy stated.
"Let's jez go now, dammit!" Barret ranted. "If we don't get on da train-"
"We're taking a Boeing 747 to Washington D.C., remember? Not a train!" Rudy corrected, as he was making his final checks on his ARM.
"Man, you a ridiculous one, ya hear!?" Barret ranted. The other two ignored him and started toward the gate to the planes.
"YA HEAR!?" Barret yelled again. Without much of a response, he followed the two, carrying the group's luggage.
The three walked up to the airport's security checkpoint. With a state-of-the-art X-ray machine and a powerful airport metal detector, it would be pretty hard for anyone with heavy weaponry to pass, especially people like Barret, Vincent, and Rudy.
Barret tossed the luggage on the X-ray machine. The guard stared at the insides of the suitcases.
As the pink suitcase passed through, the guard noticed a dress inside. "Say whose dress?"
"Dat belongs to Aeris, foo'!" Barret ranted at the guard. He trudged off into the metal detector. Because of his Gatling gun-arm on his right hand, the machine emitted a loud BZZZZZZZZZ!
"Uh, you're not allowed to carry that weapon to the plane," the guard stated, in a nerdy tone.
"Shaddup, foo!" Barret socked the wimpy guard in the chest and walked off. The guard clutched his chest in pain as Vincent passed through the metal detector.
The Death Penalty weapon triggered the alarm in the metal detector to go off. "Uh, you can't carry that weapon to the plane," the guard stated to Vincent.
" ." Vincent then socked the guard again in the chest.
"Owwww!" the guard blurted, in agony. He fell to one knee.
Rudy then passed through the metal detector. Of course, his ARM triggered the metal detector.
"I'll take your word for it," the guard stated, weakly.
"You're just doing your job!" Rudy teased. He socked the guard in the chest with his right hand in a similar fashion to that of Barret and Vincent.
Ryu, Rei, and Teepo walked outside, where the Ford Windstar was waiting.
"What the hell do we need to get a vehicle for?" Rei asked. "I thought we had a Toyota dealership back in Windia or something!"
"Probably because you smashed the Toyota TV head in Fahl's bar five days ago," Ryu replied.
"Are BOTH of you dense!?" Teepo raved. "It's because Momo wants it for her latest invention at the Invention Convention at the Toran Republic next week!"
"What, is it in the van?" Rei asked. "Like plutonium? Bootleg Flutie Flakes cereal boxes? We're actually SMUGGLING behind Nina's back!?"
"How am I supposed to know?" Teepo replied, a bit pacified from his previous sentence. "It could BE the van, for all I care. C'mon, let's get this thing outta here!"
* * * * *
The brown-haired woman in red and black stared at the door of the large mansion. Despite her very impatient attitude, she stood in perfect attention, waiting for half a dozen long minutes.
Finally, the door opened. The woman noticed the thin, muscular young man with the white shirt, black pants, and long black hair bound to a ponytail.
"Fei Fong Wong?" the woman asked.
"Alys Brangwin?" Fei asked.
"Of course it is!" Alys replied. "Exactly why would you keep me waiting like that!? You wasted six minutes of my life and I want 'em back!" The intergalactic Hunter marched into the building, walked into the fancy lobby, and removed her jacket.
Fei led Alys into the largest banquet room, where a small group of people was seated at the nearby table.
"Well, let's show you the gang," Fei then walked over to the table where a group of gunslingers were chatting with one another.
Alys stared at the motley group as she took her seat. Fei introduced the group one by one. He walked over to a red-helmeted girl with large glasses. "This here is Lucca. Exactly one thousand years ago, it was her that caused the spark to save this very world, by sending Crono back in time and causing the destined mortal cycle of the world to continue!
"That's nice, but I've got two problems with that," Alys replied.
"Uh, what? Crono was revived in that game? And not you in yours ?" Fei stated.
"Not really I wasn't even DEAD! Damn tabloids and game designers had a field day with THAT," Alys ranted. "First of all, it was the Breath of Fire world that had destined cycles that allowed the world to go on like it is today!"
"Breath of Fire? The Gears can fry it like the Ethos taking out the remains of Septerra's junk scavengers!" Fei bragged.
"And second, wasn't Lucca burned at the stake for her heretic work on technological beliefs? Look at Copernicus many centuries after that!" Alys highlighted.
"She's a Christian scientist," Fei stated, simply.
Fei then introduced Alys to the muscular, dark man with the gatling gun. "This here is Barret Wallace. Straight from Corel, he's not only the real man with the machine gun, he was voted second in his high school for "Most Likely to Replace Mr. T in the A-Team" back in 1987!
"And I pity the foo' who placed first!" Barret asserted.
Fei ignored him and walked to a generic-looking blue-haired teen. "This here is Rudy Roughnut, the fastest gunslinger in all of the Elw Dimension!"
Alys briefly studied Rudy. "That twerp? I can kick his scrawny ass with one slicer tied behind my back!"
Rudy glared at the pugilistic Hunter. "Oh yeah? You already WERE dead! And I'll make it overkill! And beyond!"
"Dream on, short stuff!" Alys ranted, without a single twitch.
"Being a Dream Chaser I'll do just that!" Rudy then went to sleep.
Fei walked up to two fairly plain-looking guys with a pair of shotguns. One was wearing a hat; the second had longish black hair past his shoulders and pale white skin.
"These two are the blasters of Balamb and the slaughterers of the SeeD! Introducing Laguna Loire and Irvine Kinneas!"
Fei then noticed the two aim their guns' barrels at one another. "What're you doing?"
"Playing Western-style chicken!" Irvine replied.
"Not in the ballroom!" Fei ordered.
"Who the hell's next in this freak show?" Alys teased, as she and Fei walked up to the next gunner, a blonde-haired man wearing a black, ominous cloak.
"Well, there's the main man of the Howling Voice Guild of Harmonia, Clive!"
"He's from a clan of gunslingers!?" Alys yelled.
"Of course!" Fei said. "They can really show their mad skillz!"
"Yeah, right! This schmuck can't even capture a wimp like Elsa!" Alys yelled.
"So how about the former N.Y.P.D. officer and current member of M.I.S.T., Aya Brea?"
Alys walked up to the beautiful, blonde-haired and black-dressed woman. "All this bitch has ever done is beat another bitch like in the modern-day Godzilla rip-off!"
"You're acting like the bitch here!" Aya yelled.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Alys teased. "Stow it, flatfoot!"
Fei finally walked up to the tall, dark-clothed, vampiric man. "And here's our last member of the RPG Magnificent Seven, Vincent Valentine!"
"Well at least HE looks halfway decent. So, how's it hanging? Upside-down like that Dracula dude?"
" .." Vincent did not give a reply as he stared at Alys with glaring, dooming eyes.
"Seems that this man's tongue didn't go through customs!" Alys almost gave a rare laugh.
"His gun did, and it's the 'Death Penalty' for anyone who gets in HIS way!" Fei replied.
"I'll just get a full pardon," Alys defiantly replied. She then turned back to the matter at hand.
"So what do you think?" Fei asked.
"What's the plan? Why me?" Alys was puzzled over picking her for a bunch of losers (at least, to her point of view).
"You had a hatred for dragons, right?" Fei stated.
"Only two of 'em! I was paid a large sum by a sponsor to take 'em out!"
"Well you'll get a LOT more than THAT!" Fei then walked up to the main three-foot-tall briefing monitor. "We recently had slumping economies in both Midgar and Vector, among the various other planets of this system!"
"What's it to do with me?" Alys asked. She noticed that her Styrofoam coffee cup had the Starbucks logo on its surface. "And what DOES Starbucks Coffee have to do with this, anyway?"
"As the believers of technology of the world, we believe that we must spread it to the other worlds of this very universe," Fei lectured. "Your world is technological, right?"
"If there wasn't a spaceship, how could I even come here!?" Alys replied.
Fei stared at the rest of the group. "And you guys?"
Lucca raised her gun above her shoulder. "Nothing can beat science!"
"With dis gun, I'm da baddest! The BADDEST in da' world!" Barret yelled.
"How else could I have taken out Eve without having to watch that crapola called Species II?" Aya answered.
Fei continued lecturing. "Anyway, there's one world remaining that has not only untapped potential with its natural resources, but the ruins of technology that matched the might of the Brood!"
"Can't you just trade with Windia or something?" Alys suggested. "They have both a trade and federal budget surplus!"
"And make it THAT easy?" Fei replied. "We already have MAD SKILLZ, and it would be a great idea to test some of that out!"
"Killing Dragons!?" Alys yelled, in surprise.
"Of course!" Fei replied. "After we take out all twenty thousand or so Dragons, the Goddess of the world, named Myria, will return. And after we take out the Goddess, we will be able to control the planet, and instill our ideals of technology and logic to the masses!"
Alys gave Fei's endeavor of conquest a pensive thought. "Oookay "
"Well, is it a deal, or not?" Fei asked.
"Well, there are several things," Alys replied. "First of all, I only want to take down two dragons, not twenty thousand!"
"That can easily be arranged," Fei coolly said.
"And second, even if you call yourself the RPG Magnificent Seven, it wouldn't work because there are EIGHT people with guns!"
"That can easily be arranged, too!" Fei showed Alys the hallway. "Care for a complementary guest room?
Alys promptly grabbed her suitcase and walked up the stairs to her second floor guestroom. Along the way, she bumped into a totally pissed off Aya Brea.
"Uh, what's wrong?" Alys asked.
"I got kicked off the team! Apparently, SOMEONE walked in and told that the RPG Magnificent Seven was a total misnomer!" Aya ranted.
"Just think of yourself as a champion," Alys commented.
* * * * *
Back at Castle Wyndia, Ryu, Nina, and Shelia were number-crunching in their calculation of the budget surplus.
"Well even after regarding Rei's thieving crapola we're done!" Shelia proclaimed.
"We counted all of that e-commerce stuff, right?" Nina asked her mother.
"Of course! I mean look at this surplus!" Shelia wrote a large number down on a piece of paper. She showed it to Ryu. Ryu gaped at the massive amount.
"Hey, with that amount, you could give every single citizen of Wyndia a full Ivy League scholarship!" Ryu commented.
"Gya, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Both Ryu and Shelia laughed as she continued. "That would be useful but nope!" Ryu stopped laughing.
Nina took a look at the budget surplus figure. "Yeah Bill Gates would definitely be spinning in his grave oh, wait, he's not dead yet "
"That's assuming that you and your thieving pals don't do a damn thing like you did last year!" Shelia icily affirmed. "You know how much Flutie Flakes boxes, presidential pens, and Green Bay jerseys are nowadays?"
At Starbucks Coffee, Teepo was burning his brain at yet another coffee-style number guessing game. That's right, if you guessed wrong, something really bad will happen to you
"Okay " Teepo made his final guess. " Six?"
"Seven!" Rei yelled. "You lose! That means that YOU have to buy the coffee!"
"Aw, dammit!" Teepo drew several pieces of zenny and grudgingly handed it to the cashier. He then picked up the two large cups of coffee and joined Rei at a nearby table.
"So, what's this all about, anyway?" Teepo asked the Woren.
"I have to do that job tonight," Rei replied, taking a sip of his java. "And I'll need your help to do it!"
"Two things first," Teepo stated. "First of all, if you wanted to do something like hire me for one of your crazy antics, then you have to pay for the coffee!"
"I'll do it later," Rei answered.
"And second, what is this crazy job we're gonna do, anyway?"
"Well we have to break in the apartment complex at the Toran Republic and steal what I most covet!"
"That 'Gauntlet Legends' arcade machine! The first arcade RPG, to boot!"
"Can't you steal a crate of Dreamcasts of something like that!?"
"Nah, thats next week," Rei replied, taking a sip of his coffee.
"Well what's on your schedule of the day?" Teepo asked the Woren.
"I've gotta take Momo to the All-Star baseball game today, then it's off to the dentist until night!"
"I thought that you never played baseball."
"No, but Momo's paying! Can't beat THAT!"
"And the dentist, at the Toran Republic, of all places? You're getting half a dozen root canals as punishment for stealing the plutonium last year, I guess?"
"No, I'm hiding there until night. The apartment complex next door has the Gauntlet Legends arcade machine! Besides, what are you doing today, anyway? Stuck lovemaking with Bleu all day today?"
"Bingo," Teepo replied, fearfully. "Ryu's stuck with Nina and Shelia over the talk over the budget all day. I'm trying to get as far away from Bleu as possible as long as possible! So can I steal your ticket?"
"And miss heckling the SeeD team? The eighth Final Fantasy freakos? Doesn't that just beat all! I think not!" Rei was almost laughing. "And why would you want to avoid Bleu when she's too damn pretty? I still don't know about God, but I do know about naked girls! And I got over the ocean easily!"
"Yeah but I don't know where Bleu was way back then!" Teepo replied. "Probably carried every single sexually transmitted disease known to man! And beyond!"
"If she did then how could she live all those years?" Rei countered.
"Good point," Teepo agreed. Grabbing his coffee, he left Starbucks, only to pass two dozen others on the way back to the teleporter back to the Gregminster Correctional Facility, where Bleu was being held for the time being.
Rei returned to the tower at Plant with a bucket full of rotten vegetables rejected from Plant.
"Momo, these plants are surely are a gift from God. A single chrysm-enhanced tomato can easily take out that Squall nutball!" Rei said, taking a tomato out of the bucket almost the size of a bowling ball.
"I thought that those experiments were against God," Momo replied.
"Whatever!" Rei replied. "They don't care about the eye in the sky, and neither do I. Especially those Xenogears nutballs I wish I had a pie!"
"I never thought that you were against God," Momo replied, simply.
"Whatever!" Rei replied. "But I'm not making a stupid rhyme again!"
The All-Stars vs. SeeD game at the Genmel Arena was a total sell-out. Over fifty thousand fans, all assorted through the RPG worlds, packed the massive stadium. It would be a major disaster if the refs screwed anything up. Many people had the same foresight as Rei, purchasing and bringing massive, rotten vegetables to chuck at the losers.
Momo stared at the program of the All-Stars vs. SeeD baseball game.
"Never heard of these all-stars. You've got the program; tell me the names of the players," Rei asked.
Momo adjusted her glasses and stared at the infield in the distance. She stared at the lead singer of The Who, Pete Townsend, who was the first baseman. She also noticed the dwarf Watts from the Mana World on second, and Kid, a lithe, pretty blonde female teenager from the Chrono Cross world on third.
"Um a Who's on first, Watts' on second, and a Kid on third." Momo concluded.
"Well, who's on first?" Rei asked.
"Exactly!" Momo replied.
"Who's on first, Rei!"
"Have you been sniffing wacko weed lately!? I asked you! What's the name of the first baseman!?"
"Watts' the name of the second baseman!"
"I asked you that! Stop acting like a damn kid!"
"She's on third!"
"I don't want to know who's on third!"
"Who's on first, dammit!"
"I ASKED you that friggin' question!"
"And I GAVE you the friggin' answer!"
"Stop kidding around!"
"Kid's on third!"
"What's the name of the kid!?"
"Watts is Watts and Kid is Kid! Don't confuse them, Rei!"
"You're really confusing ME, Momo! And I'll ask you again: Who's on first!?"
"AAAARGH! Who's the name of the first baseman!?"
"Just like I said: Who!"
"THE FIRST BASEMAN! Are you dense like the second Ryu!?"
"No, but I'm gonna bite your furry head right off if you keep asking me these stupid questions! Who's on first, Watts' on second, and a Kid's on third!"
"Can it, Momo. You're really starting to act like a little kid here!"
"Third base!? What do you mean, 'third base!?'"
"Kid's on third, Rei!"
"The NAME of the kid, Momo!"
"Kid is Kid!?"
"Yeah! The name of the kid on third base is Kid!"
"Now we're FINALLY getting somewhere!"
"Okay, I'll give you the question again: Who's on first!?"
"Who's on first, Rei!"
"I wasn't ASKING for second!"
"Who's on first!"
"I ASKED you that!"
"The person on first is a Who, and the person on second is Watts!" Momo clarified.
Rei by far had reached the end of his rope over the conversation of the All-Stars in the field. "I still don't get it. We get dragged here, and we don't even know the people in the field! What's who? Some friggin' kid! She throws it to who? What gets it next? Some STUPID kid! Triple play! Inning over! Where's the nearest insane asylum?"
Momo digested all Rei's monologue. "Rei that's the most intelligent thing you've said this entire game! No, really!"
"Aw, screw it," Rei snarled. "Gimme the name of that team's pitcher!"
"Silence!" Momo yelled, remembering Silence from the SaGa Frontier worlds.
"Don't shut ME up, Momo! You left the bazooka at home!"
"Silence is the pitcher!"
"Well, the pitcher seemed silent. Crono-like?"
"He is Silence!"
"Quit repeating what I said Daravon-style! I asked you for the pitcher's name!"
"I'm not shutting up until you give me the pitcher's name!"
"I'm not TELLING you to shut up!"
"Then why do you keep telling me to shut up!?"
"I'm not, Rei! The pitcher's NAME is Silence!"
Rei paused. " Yeah. Well, who's the team's catcher?"
"Who's the guy's name?"
"Who's on first, and Guy is Guy!"
"This is more complex than that damn Peco. Or maybe you didn't hear me. I'll ask again: What's the guy's name?"
"Watts is the dwarf's name!"
"A Dwarf? What's-"
Rei's anger rose at a geometric rate. "Lemme ask that question AGAIN, Momo. Give me the name of the guy who was the catcher! And if you don't, YOU are the one who will eat bazooka!"
"Guy! The name of the catcher is Guy!" Momo squealed.
Rei would rather get clobbered by Balio and Sunder than stand another minute of conversation with Momo. " Yeah. I'm outta here. Call me when you want to be picked up. All that talk is making me go back to Wyndia for some grub," Rei stated. After stealing a hot dog from a vendor, he ran off.
"Grubb? Wasn't he the manager?" Momo said to herself. Luckily, Rei was long gone. (Note: Grubb is a character in the game Septerra Core. -Fred)
Apparently, Ryu and Teepo were waiting for him at Wyndia's outdoor restaurant.
Teepo noticed Rei return quite early. "You left just a half hour ago. Is the game a total blowout?" the lavender-haired Dragon asked.
"No, but I'll really blow up Momo if she acts like that again!" Rei growled.
"Just calm down and have a seat," Ryu replied, with a touch of fear from the stressed-out Rei. Rei snagged the seat right out of Ryu's grip and seated himself.
Ryu noticed that Rei was really, really bugged out, and chose to ask a simple question about the game. "That reminds me. About the All-Star team, who's the first baseman, anyway?"
"AAAARGH!" Rei furiously jumped at Ryu for bringing out the subject again, and started to clobber him. Ryu whimpered as Rei started punching away.
An hour later, Rei was pacing back and forth like a bored bear in his dungeon cell under Wyndia's castle.
Ryu and Nina both walked up to Rei's cell. Ryu had several cuts around his arms and stomach from the Woren's claws. He also had a bag of ice over his head from the serious headbanging Rei gave the blue-haired Brood prince.
"Give my regards to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello," Rei commented.
"Yeah," Ryu replied, emotionlessly. "Sure, I guess "
"How's the game, anyway?" Rei asked.
"They're down to the bottom of the ninth. The All-Stars are down by one, two outs, with a runner on first!" Ryu explained.
"Tell me the names of the players on first, second, and third," Rei asked, in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Well Quistis is on first, with Squall on second, and Selphie is on third." Ryu answered.
Rei's emotions suddenly flared up exponentially. "YES! I FINALLY got an answer! So, Ryu, who is the runner on first?"
"Runner!" Ryu answered. (Note: Runner is another character in Septerra Core. -Fred)
"AAAARGH! Don't give me that 'the runner is Runner' crapola! I WANT the NAME of the runner!"
"It's Runner, Rei!" Nina concurred with Ryu's seemingly vague answer.
"I said the NAME of the runner!" Rei was growing increasingly furious over the name game.
"The name of the runner is Runner!" Ryu replied.
Surprisingly enough, Rei calmed down. "And the batter?"
"The batter's name is Hix," Ryu stated.
"Wait a sec!" Rei yelled. "Is this a joke!? How can Hix even bat when he's here!? Besides, he's just a little kid!"
"Not this one ANOTHER guy named Hix! That dude from the Warrior's Village!" Ryu replied.
"Sure!" Rei replied, sarcastically. He then continued, glaring at Ryu. "And DON'T say what I think you're gonna say!"
"And Kid's on third!" Ryu added.
"AAAARGH!" Luckily, the bars were more than enough to hold Rei back
Back at the game, the meek son of Cleft the Crusader, known to the Warrior's Village as Hix, nervously stood at the corner of the batter's box as Seifer, the pitcher, tossed a hardball.
The shot whizzed by Hix, almost hitting him. Hix fell over on the dirt ground onto his rear end in order to avoid the pitch. The SeeD players out in the field all laughed at him.
A pretty, red-haired, young woman in her late teens rushed out of the All-Stars dugout and ranted at the pitcher.
"You almost KILLED him, you little piece of SH#&!" she ranted, risking getting ejected from the game. Seifer cruelly laughed at the young woman as he readied himself for the next pitch.
"Tengaar's always been uppity like that, isn't she?" Kid asked the rest of the team. In the field, Hix got called for his first strike.
"Well, so are you, Kid!" Pete, a.k.a. the Who, replied.
"Oh yeah!?" Kid replied. "I'll show this member of The Who who's boss!"
"Silence!" Grubb yelled, toward the ensuing dugout brawl between Kid and Pete.
Silence ran up to Grubb at a moment's notice. "Whaddya want?"
Grubb made an impromptu reply. "Get Hix and Tengaar and call a timeout!"
Back at the field, Seifer threw another pitch. Hix swung at it with all of his might, and suddenly, the bat slipped out of his hands and took a long, floating ride through the unfriendly skies. The bat flew right out of the field and crashed onto a car.
"Gaaah! That was MY car!" Momo yelled.
After the umpire called Hix for his second strike, Silence yelled out at the entire field. "TIMEOUT!"
Up at the broadcasting booth, the two newscasters stared at one another, thinking about the crazed paradox. "And Silence just yelled for a timeout!"
"Yeah!" Momo yelled, practically drunk from the cans of beer Rei didn't get to drink. "That's the sounds of Silence!"
But, unfortunately for Momo, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel were sitting right next to her. "The sounds of SILENCE!? Who the heck might you be!?"
"Mrs. Robinson! Or, at least, that's what I remember!" Momo replied. "And the recent graduate! I drove the car over a bridge over troubled water to get to this game So, care for a drink?" Momo held up a beer can.
"Then here's to you, Mrs. Robinson!" Paul Simon replied, taking another beer can and toasting her. "Jesus loves you more than you will know. Wo, wo, wo!"
Art Garfunkel grabbed a third beer can and joined the two. "God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson. Heaven holds a place for those who pray. Hey, hey, hey!"
Back at the field, Hix looked down depressed as Seifer readied another speedy pitch.
Tengaar practically pulled Hix out of the batter's box and near the dugout. "What the hell is wrong with you!?" she ranted.
"H-he's gonna kill me Make it stop!" Hix complained, nervously.
"Well, I'm gonna fry you even worse if you don't bear down and win this game!" Tengaar yelled. She also noticed Hix holding the bat incorrectly and inefficiently. She gently put her hands on Hix's and moved them down and together.
"Hold the bat like this, and we'll see how far you'll get," Tengaar said, in a caring, but sensuous, voice.
"I'll just hit a home run, that's all," Hix replied, plainly.
"With me around, you'll go even further than that," Tengaar whispered, sweetly.
"I can't make the major leagues!" Hix loudly whispered, in response.
"No it has nothing to do with baseball but I'll tell you more tonight! Now just win us the game!" After a quick kiss, Tengaar walked off back to the dugout. The quick thought of something suggestive brought shivers down Hix's spine. Slowly, he walked up to the batter's box.
As Hix readied himself with improved morale, Seifer tossed another fastball. Hix slammed it with all his might, and the ball went airborne like a missile. The ball soared straight ahead, way over the field, and smashed right into the scoreboard about fifty feet away from the home run fence.
"YES!" Tengaar raised her hands in total triumph as Hix and Runner rounded the bases.
"No more of this American baseball crap!" After firing off a power chord, Pete Townshend slammed his electric guitar right into a nearby floor speaker, demolishing the guitar into many fragments.
As Hix passed home plate, the entire crowd all tried to lift him in celebration, but Tengaar grabbed him first and practically pulled him away from the crowd. She pulled him into the men's locker room as both teams and a bunch of newspaper reporters followed along behind the two. The group tried to knock the doors down, but they were apparently barricaded
Every single person faced one another, in total bewilderment.
"Uh come back tomorrow," Grubb told the newspaper reporters. "If it's yet another sex scandal, you've got all the time in the world!"
Uneasily, Momo walked back to the car as zillions of people around the stadium were throwing tailgate parties like there was no tomorrow.
She finally made it to her car. After several attempts, she eventually got the car door opened. Momo uneasily entered the vehicle, and put the keys in the ignition.
After bashing into the two cars flanking hers, Momo drove out of the parking lot and to the exit.
At the exit, two cops stopped Momo's car after seeing her bash her thirteenth car along the drive out of the Genmel Arena's parking lot.
"Hold it, ma'am," one of the cops stated.
"Hey, you're gonna give me the breathalyzer test?" Momo asked, uneasily.
"No, 'cause this is a magical community, guided by the destined cycle!" another cop replied. "So, we're gonna give you the 'luck'-a-lyzer test!" The cop procured a small Geiger counter-like device, and briefly scanned Momo with it. After several bloops and bleeps, the machine finally gave out a result.
Momo watched the meter go from "1999-2000 Tennessee Titans" to "Kinda like the Broncos" all the way down to the dregs of the slidebar, which read "Buffalo Bills".
"I'll take my chances," Momo assured. She drove the car off, smashing through the unopened road barricade, then the phone booth along the street, and a port-a-potty on a corner near the construction site.
After dozens of fender-benders, Momo finally made it back to the tower. Rei was seemingly waiting for hours for Momo to come back.
"Finally back? Now, can I have the car, please?" Rei already had his hand out, endeavoring to snag Momo's car keys.
Momo gave the car keys to Rei. "Just slide the car under the door when you're done!"
"Under the door " Rei sighed to himself. Teepo entered the passenger's side as Rei entered the driver's side of the car, and the two drove off to the transporter to the Gregminster Dentistry at the Toran Republic.
Rei and Teepo walked up to the dentist's office near Gregminster.
"Why are you here?" Rei asked. "Bleu's back in the Breath of Fire world!"
"She's in prison HERE! Indecent exposure," Teepo replied, plainly.
"I kinda knew that," Rei said. At the presence of the dentist parking lot, Rei then suddenly stopped.
"What are you looking at?" Teepo asked.
"It's the Toran Republic generals, dude!" Rei yelled. There were two black luxury BMWs with miniature flags of the Toran Republic sticking out in the corners. "Doesn't that just beat all?"
Rei stared at the clock in the dentist's as the seconds ticked away. The Woren also noticed four armored women of some sort sitting on a large couch. One had a spear, a second had a lance, a third had a fancy sword, and a fourth had a light, throwable sword.
A thought quickly passed through Rei's head as he perused the soldier beauties. "Hey, is there a war going on?"
"You tell me!" The brown-haired, red-armored woman drew her fancy sword, the Seven Star Sword. "If I stay away from battle for a while, my hands ache with bloodlust!"
"Uh yeah," Rei replied, nervously. He grabbed the latest copy of the USA Today paper and opened it, spreading it out as to pretend to read it. The brown-haired woman put her sword away.
The door to the dentist's office opened, and along with the middle-aged dentist, a blonde-haired woman with a blue glaive and heavy armor entered the waiting room.
"So, how was it, Sonya?" the bloodlusted, brown-haired woman asked.
"Valeria By General Teo, they drilled, and I had TWO fillings!" Sonya replied, proudly.
By Ladon, that must REALLY hurt, Rei thought.
Valeria stood up. "If Sonya Shulen had drilling, and two fillings, then I must be drilled and given two fillings!"
"But your teeth were perfectly fine, Valeria!" the dentist replied.
"Just do it," Valeria ordered. Suddenly, the dragon-helmeted woman with the spear stood up.
"If Valeria is getting two fillings, then I shall, too!" she proclaimed.
Sonya stared at the dragon-helmeted woman. "Milia "
"And if Milia gets two fillings, then you must give ME two fillings!" the woman with the throwable sword announced, as she proudly stood up.
"Cleo!" Sonya yelled.
"What the hell is going on here!?" the dentist added, completely puzzled.
Completely bored out of his mind, Rei walked outside. He noticed Teepo walk back early.
"You're back awfully early! So, Teep, how was Bleu?" Rei asked, almost snickering. "Did it really blow?"
"Very funny!" Teepo replied, sarcastically. "Besides, it was better than most!"
"What's so bad about Bleu, anyway?" Rei asked. "With a woman like her, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat!"
"Trade places!?" Teepo ranted, filling up his dialogue with as much sarcasm as possible. "Yeah, I'd like to trade places with a fuzzball who's best pick-up line is 'Hey, is there a war going on!?'"
"Uh, sorry, Teep," Rei apologized. "Maybe it's just that baseball game. Or that I found five women who could clobber even the St. Louis Rams in a flash! Hey, how did you know what I said in the dentist's office!?"
"Intuition!" Teepo said, proudly. "Just like Nina and Momo!"
"It's always that, isn't it," Rei said, scratching his head.
"That's only the least of it," Teepo replied.
Rei noticed the group of soldier beauties exit the dentist's office. "Hey!" He quickly walked up to the five.
Knowing that he was absolutely no threat, none of the women drew their weapons. "I need you to do me a favor!"
"Well what do you want from me?" Camille asked, Alys Brangwin-style.
"I'll give you two hundred bits if you give me a hand," Rei stated.
"Haven't you already got two?" Cleo asked. Teepo and the five women laughed.
Rei glared at Cleo continued. "That's just a joke. Lighten up, will ya?"
"Sure," Rei replied, unstably.
"Just don't ask who's on first and you'll be fine," Teepo added.
Rei pointed at the hotel's fire escape, whose ladder was about twenty feet off the ground, and over a dumpster. "Well, I need a way to get in the building up there, and there's no real way that I can jump up to that fire escape ladder."
"Just enter the building like one would always do!" Cleo replied. "You can get a reservation, can you? Unless you're so moronic that you need three hands to get it!" The women giggled and laughed again, knowing that they easily outdid Rei.
"I don't need three hands to get it, dammit!" Rei ranted. "By Ladon, I can beat the crap out of you five with only ONE hand!"
Teepo stared at Rei, as if he made a death wish. "Rei ?"
"That brought back a lot of memories," Rei commented, as he struggled in the dumpster's trash, attempting to get out. It was also pitch black, as the lid was totally closed.
Teepo opened the dumpster's hood. "I found a window on the other side of the building, you idiot! And you're lucky Momo is already your lover!"
"Yeah. That's the last time I try to impress someone who dresses up as Joan of Arc, let alone five of 'em!" Rei climbed out of the dumpster, and leaped back on the street.
"I'm going back to Windia. At least the queen can kick the crap out of them if they EVER come to the castle!" Teepo said.
Back in the castle of Windia, Nina was napping in her room as her mother, Queen Shelia, knocked on the door. "Nina! We've got company!"
Nina yawned, and stretched herself out. "If it's the nut selling copies of Half-Life and Legend of Dragoon, tell him to GO AWAY!"
"It's Rufus from Shinra!"
"The electric company and water works!? I don't give a damn about his monopoly or his attempt to buy Boardwalk and its hotel!" Nina jumped out of her bed, put her clothes and shoes on, and marched out the door.
Ryu walked downstairs, across the hall, and passed by Rufus and Palmer. "Hey you must be the Monopoly guy!"
"Yeah Thanks for the free parking," Rufus replied, grinning.
"Come in and have a seat," Teepo said. He directed Rufus and Palmer all the way to the kitchen table. "Have some tea!"
The group all sat down at the nearest table as a maid walked up to the group. "What would you like in your tea?"
"I'd like sugar," Teepo said.
"I'd like that half-and-half stuff," Ryu said.
"I'll take lard!" Palmer replied.
"Sir, I think you had enough lard already," the maid stated, pointing at Palmer's waistline.
Shelia, Rufus, and Nina were all sitting in the conference room of the castle.
"What are you here for, anyway?" Shelia asked Rufus. "You bought that land five hundred yards behind the castle fair and square!"
Rufus drew out a map, showing the property lines between the castle and Rufus's newly bought land. "Five hundred yards? Look at this property line! It is exactly six inches over the castle!"
"Don't bother me with that! You're just bluffing!" Shelia said.
"But the plans were approved months ago!" Rufus stated.
Shelia had just about had it with Shinra's president and his sudden entrance. "Ha! You really think you could insult me like that!? You ain't gonna get me to move this castle and I mean it!"
"I don't want to have to dig up that WEAPON buried in the Northern Crater on the Planet, do I?"
"Don't think you can bore me with yet another spiel," Nina moaned. "I'm gonna be with Ryu and Teepo downstairs!" She marched off.
As she made it to the exit, Nina quickly made another comment. "Hey, do not pass GO, and do not collect 200!" Nina laughed hysterically as she walked away.
"When we're finished, you're gonna end up moving the castle!" Rufus declared.
"Dont you mean, 'moving out of the castle'?" Shelia replied.
"No, the WHOLE castle! I have to build a railroad!"
"Yeah, yeah, the plans," Shelia said, almost yawning. "Why?"
"I have a monopoly to maintain!" Rufus stated. "I own three other railroads! Other than also owning Shinra's electric company, I own the water works! Plus two houses on Baltic Avenue, a hotel on Oriental Avenue, and a 35 percent share in Park Place!"
"Nobody here gives a damn about your monopoly or your acts to take down Windia!" Shelia spat, pinning Rufus with her ever-evil eye.
Rufus seemed unfazed. "Well you leave me no choice." He gestured at the door. "Palmer, FIRE!"
The wide-load Palmer ran right into the conference room and repeatedly fired a handheld weapon at Shelia. The queen of Windia just frowned and stared at the staples fired out of Palmer's stapler that littered her desk.
"Don't waste those " she groaned.
Ryu, Teepo, Nina, and Shelia were sitting back down in the living room, figuring out what to do next about Rufus's claim to the Windia royal family's land.
Nina was snacking on a pie in its pie platter. "Well, this is far worse than the killing-the-female character cliches of RPGs. Ryu, want any of this pie? I made it myself!"
"Uh, sure!" Ryu replied. "Toss it over!"
"Okay You know, I'm currently writing another cookbook on all this neat stuff I've been making!" Nina tossed the pie platter with the remaining two-thirds of pie left to Ryu. However, the unbalanced projectile of dessert fell way off its mark, and splat Rufus right in the face.
"A bullseye!" Teepo commented.
"That DOES it! We're going straight to Hamburg in the Highwind!" Rufus snarled, wiping pie off his face.
"Yeech," Teepo groaned.
"What are you talking about?" Nina asked.
"He said that he was gonna have a hamburger that breaks wind," Teepo replied.
Nightfall came by just as quickly. Outside the hotel, Rei and Teepo walked into the hotel near Gregminster. The two wore tuxedos from Castle Windia.
The two passed by the entrance without much of a problem. "I'll check for the arcade cabinet in the east wing," Teepo planned. "You take the west wing."
"And what do we do after we find the cabinet?" Rei asked.
"Just bring it back to the getaway vehicle, and we're off!" Teepo replied.
"Shouldn't we grab some grub and free stuff while we're there?" Rei pleaded. "We'd better make good with our time!"
"In that case, I'm not, so you'd better damn be ready!" Teepo jogged of to the east wing of the hotel.
In the game room, Alys was ducked under both the Gauntlet Legends and NFL Blitz 2000 arcade cabinets as Fei was talking with Barret, Rudy, and Rude.
With full stealth, Alys opened the back panel of the Gauntlet Legends arcade cabinet. She then closed the
"You three have a special mission," Fei stated. "You remember the plan at the Warrior's Village, right?"
" Right," Rude answered.
"Well, I guess so," Rudy added.
"I love it when a plan comes togetha," Barret commented.
"Okay, now move out!" The four walked to the back exit of the game room.
Right after the four left the game room, Teepo entered. Neither noticed either group enter or exit.
"Found it!" Teepo whispered to himself, smiling. "Guess you'll have to buy the coffee, Rei!"
Rei was searching the banquet halls of the west wing of the hotels. Suddenly, he ran right into a tuxedoed older man with a monocle.
"Who in the devil might you be?" the man asked, in an obvious English accent.
Rei quickly made up a fancy, impromptu name. "I am Sturtheim Reinbach the Third!*" Rei lied.
"Sir, might I tell you that I am Sturtheim Reinbach the Third!" the man replied.
"No, you're not, you LIAR!" Rei yelled. "In fact, neither I nor the Reinbachs have ever seen you anywhere before in our life! You are a total disgrace to the entire Reinbach family and its code of honor!"
Rei raised a fist. "Take THIS!" He planted his fist right into the jaw of Sturtheim Reinbach III, knocking him out and sending his monocle flying across the room. Briefly admiring his handiwork, Rei walked off to the dinner buffet room.
"You can NEVER pass up free food!" Rei then butted in line and practically shoveled all the free stuff the crowd was attempting to politely take.
Suddenly, a young man with a white shirt, black pants, and long black hair bound to a ponytail came up behind Rei.
"Who the hell are you?" the man asked.
"Sturtheim Reinbach, the Third!" Rei yelped, panicking.
"I think not. You are Rei Chiba, the long descendent of Ryu Bateson the second and Katt Chuan! Prince of thieves and boyfriend of Momo Arcadies!"
"Yeah RIGHT, you know-it-all knucklehead!" Rei snarled. "Ryu the Second married Nina five hundred years ago!"
"She wasnt all Ryu married " Fei replied. He gestured half a dozen machine gun-toting guards into the room.
Rei was pleading toward the group of gunners. "Wait a sec, this is only a misdemeanor at best! You can't just-"
"KILL HIM!" Fei commanded. "Let's fry him with our MAD SKILLZ!"
"Nyahhh!" Rei ran out of the room before any of them could draw their machine guns and fire away.
Jogging down the lobby, he shoved through half a dozen guests on his way to rescue Teepo from the ensuing danger. "Coming through! V.I.P Sturtheim Reinbach the Third!"
Teepo was already outside with the arcade cabinet. Damn Rei always gets into trouble when I am the one doing ALL of the work, the lavender-haired Dark Dragon thought.
After loading it in the getaway vehicle - an ice cream truck - he headed back, only to run right into Rei. The two crashed right onto the middle of the street.
"Hey!" Rei yelled.
"You're lucky you weren't that Mr. T dude or I would have kicked your ass to the dark side of the moon!"
"You'll only hit the wall," Rei commented. He then realized Teepo's previous sentence. " What Mr. T dude?"
"He's with a Ryu-like guy, plus two men with the machine guns! And a couple others!"
"What? Who? Like that Fei guy and the security guards? Let's check 'em out!" Rei replied. "Does this place have a back door?"
"Back door!? Use you HEAD, you Woren moron!" Teepo pointed his hand to the many windows of the Toran Republic hotel. "Pick an entrance!"
Rei and Teepo walked up to the closest window, after sneaking past a couple of guards.
With a swing of his dagger, Rei smashed open the window, and unlocked it from the other side. After carefully opening it, he entered the building, Teepo following close behind.
Rei noticed the familiar scenery. "This must be "
" the bathroom?" Teepo completed.
Two women turned around. "Hey, it's that Woren we tossed in the trash this afternoon!"
"Valeria and Sonya?" Rei yelled.
"By the stars, what do you think you're doing in the women's bathroom!?" Sonya commanded. "We had to take care of those four soldier morons for the exact same reason!"
The group of women showed the four soldiers they beat up - Camus, Miklotov, Alen, and Grenseal. All were struggling to get up.
"Doesn't that just beat all?" Rei stated.
"Yep, they just beat them all, all right," Teepo commented.
"State your business here!" Sonya demanded, in a military fashion.
"Uh I was gonna replace the urinal cakes!" Rei said.
"Yeah, right!" Sonya yelled. "There AREN'T any urinals in the women's bathroom!"
"There aren't?" Rei said. "I'll just go to the men's room so, can you move out of the way, please?" He and Teepo walked up to the door to the women's bathroom, but as they opened the door, Sonya grabbed both Rei's tail and Teepo's lavender hair.
"And where do you think YOU'RE going!?" Sonya asked, in a coercive fashion.
"I said, I was going to the men's room!" Rei yelled.
"Yeah. This Dragon's gonna drain his dragon!" Teepo added.
"I THINK not!" Sonya yelled. "Girls, beat these puny males up!" The five women charged in with fists clenched.
Out of absolutely nowhere, Rei blurted a random thought
"Quick! To the bordello!" Rei then escaped Sonya's grasp, and shoved out of the women's bathroom.
The two bolted out of the hotel and ran back to their ice cream truck. Rei made a quick look to see of the arcade unit was inside, and started the truck's engine.
Not too far behind, the group of women hopped on a Honda Accord and started their engine. But Rei was a step ahead; he was already long gone.
Rei and Teepo laughed as they zoomed along the empty road along the clear but dark night.
"Heh Soldier beauties? Those pixies probably can't even stop the Easter bunny!" Rei chided.
"Yeah!" Teepo added, looking at the rear-view mirror. "Look at that one called Nanami aim that rifle toward us!"
Suddenly, there was a loud BANG, and a large bullet hole appeared right in the center of the windshield.
"AAARGH!" Rei slammed on the gas and spasmodically turned the wheel, zooming right through the nearby gates of Windia Cemetery. Rei sped through the graveyard, smashing as many gravestones as he could in his mad rush to escape the Accord.
"Rei did you know that hitting gravestones is bad luck?" Teepo stated.
"Bad? I thought it was good!" Rei replied, still cutting through as fast as possible.
Many hours of constant driving were done as dawn was about to break. Finally, the ice cream truck ran out of gas and stopped near a seemingly familiar edifice.
"Well, that's it. Bone dry!" Teepo stated, staring at the gas gauge.
"What do you mean, 'bone dry'?" Rei replied, attempting to re-start the car's engine unsuccessfully.
"What do you think this is, a radka!? We've been gone for nearly three hours!" Teepo yelled.
"Dammit! At least from all those twists and turns, we've lost those violent femmes," Rei commented, over the situation. "Oh yeah where are we?"
"We're at Momo's place!" Teepo pointed at the fountain and tower.
Rei and Teepo slid the arcade unit out of the ice cream truck and started to carry it to the entrance.
"What's so bad about it, anyway?" Teepo asked, pulling one end while Rei pushed the other.
"I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this!" Rei replied. "And it definitely is Luke Skywalker style!"
"Yeah, yeah," Teepo spat. "Just help me get this thing inside before they come back!"
Suddenly, the door opened. Beams of light shone all over Rei, Teepo, and the Gauntlet Legends arcade cabinet as a figure was in the doorway.
"Momo didn't think that it was you!" Rei yelled.
The figure wasn't at all what Rei thought it would be. "You're right it isn't Momo!" Sonya yelled. She and Valeria both walked outside, and snagged Rei and Teepo before they could say another word.
The two were bound inside Momo's tower. As Rei regained control of his bearings, he noticed the same soldier beauties from the bathroom at the Toran Republic hotel and the Honda Accord. He also noticed Momo tied up with electrical wire and in a chair.
"What the hell is THIS!? Rei, did you yourself foolishly declare war on the entire Toran Republic again!?" Momo yelled.
Rei was bewildered at the entire incident, especially with the amount of time the women took during the chase. "Exactly how were you able to do all of this?"
"Well, it's simple, really," Milia replied. "While you made all those twists and turns around Windia, we drove straight here! We forced Momo to calculate when the ice cream truck would run out of gas, and found out that it would end up stopping right at this very tower!"
"Doesn't that just beat all?" Rei replied. Suddenly, there was another knock at the door.
"What NOW!?" Sonya yelled. She marched right to the door, and opened it.
All of them then noticed the two familiar faces. "Ryu? Nina!?" The entire group faced the two.
"It's all Rei's fault, dammit!" Momo yelled. "If it happens in Windia, it's always Rei's fault!"
"HEEELP!" Rei yelled. "Our daggers and ass-kicking is useless!"
"I should have kicked 'em when I got the chance, dammit!" Teepo yelled, struggling to escape his bonds.
"Kicking a lady?" Cleo replied. "You'd never do that!"
"I did that to Queen Shelia last year!" Teepo yelled. "So, THERE!"
"Oh yeah!? Try me, lavender-haired, self-important swine!" Cleo teased.
"At least it ain't 'lavender-haired freak'," Rei said to himself.
"QUIIIIET!" Nina yelled, amidst all the rants and protests. "What the hell is this!? Are Rei and Teepo trying to get all the booze and girls for another fraternity kegger!?"
"Huh!?" Every single person in the room stared at one another. Then Nanami realized the significance of the blue-haired teen and faerie-like young woman. "Y-you're the prince and princess of Wyndia!"
"Yeah!" Rei yelled, cheerfully. "Bash 'em back to Gregminster!"
"Huh? Nina? Do you KNOW them!?" Sonya stated.
"Of course!" Nina replied. "Ryu, Rei, and Teepo are all best pals!"
The six women stepped back and stared at the very odd possibility. "Uh yeah," Valeria gaped.
"Who's the rest of the group, anyway?" Milia asked.
"This woman with glasses is Momo," Ryu stated.
"Momo!?" Sonya gasped. "She's "
"Gonna enter the Invention Convention at Shasarazade this weekend!" Momo yelled. "So, if you don't want me to sue your pretty little asses, then GET ME OUTTA HERE!" Valeria instinctively whipped out her sword and cut Momo out. Momo removed her gag and stood up.
"Now YOU get out of here or YOU will eat bazooka!" The group was about to leave when Nanami realized something else.
"Wait, wait, wait! I still don't get it," Nanami stated. "How can Ryu Rei and Teepo "
"Well, it's a long story. Kinda like how your brother became the leader of the State Army north of Toran," Nina stated.
"Well, tell me as soon as possible, okay?" Just as Nanami finished her sentence, the back of the Gauntlet Legends arcade machine burst open. Out came a red-and-black-clothed, brown-haired woman with boomerangs in holsters on both hips.
"No, Ladon, NO!" Rei pleaded. "Please, NO!"
"Who is that?" Sonya asked.
"Alys Brangwin!" Rei yelled.
"That's right, the one and only!" Alys boasted.
"What in Ladon are you doing here?" Nina demanded. "I feel bad enough to bash your brains out with my shoe!"
"What am I doing here!?" Alys furiously roared. "ME!?" She pointed to Rei and Teepo. "I was hiding in that arcade cabinet when those two morons took it away!"
"Why were you hiding?" Rei asked. "If you wanted the Gauntlet Legends arcade cabinet, surely people like YOU could afford it!"
"Ha! There was a crack commando unit this side of the A-Team, and they have the big Mr. T clone named Barret to prove it!" Alys explained.
"Who? The madmen of MAD SKILLZ I found when I ran into Fei?" Rei asked.
"The RPG Magnificent Seven!" Alys yelled. "Those guys think they can kill all the Dragons or something!"
"Coming from Alys I'll see it when I believe it," Ryu stated. "Right now, the only danger I can think of is when Nina and the things we do when we are in bed!"
"Well I, for once, think you're right," Alys replied. "And I'm outta here!" The Hunter zoomed off before anyone could catch her.
"Aw, dammit!" Nina cursed, with Alys running off into nightfall.
"Doesn't that just beat all?" Rei commented.
"Hmmm Ryu and Nina? That never beats Hix and Tengaar of the Warrior's Village," Sonya highlighted.
"That Hix that weaking? By Leknaat, I can beat him with one arm tied behind my back!" Nanami taunted.
"You named your son after HIM!?" Rei blurted.
The Warrior's Village near Lorimar, in the Toran Republic, was practically cow country. While the village had many buildings, most of them were log cabins, and the center forum had a mere courthouse, plus a saloon and a theatre.
Outside the saloon, the blue-haired Dream Chaser Rudy dragged a crate full of beer bottles out of the entrance. "There. That's the LAST one! Are you happy now, Barret?"
Barret stared at the bottles. "Shaddup, foo'! You better not break even ONE!"
"Yeah, I know," Rudy answered. "Doin' a whole lot of drinking tonight?"
"Better not be drinkin'," Barret replied.
"Huh?" Rudy was surprised at the answer as he heaved the last crate of beer bottles on the U-Haul trailer.
"'Cuz if even ONE of dem beer bottles full of nitro glycerin explode, there's gonna be a whole lotta pain, foo'!"
About thirty feet above the theatre lay the village's water tower. Inside the water tower lay the meek Hix and the fiery-spirited Tengaar.
Hix peered through the top of the water barrel, hanging on the rim, down to the saloon across the theatre, spying on Rudy and Barret. "Hey, uh, Tengaar, you might want to take a look at this!"
"Not now!" Tengaar yelled, down below. "Get down!"
Hix jumped off and landed on a wooden plank just above the water. "But, I have a bad feeling about them!" He then peered in a hole three feet above the plank.
Tengaar angrily grabbed Hix's underwear from the disheveled heap of both of their attire. Jumping out of the water, completely revealing her nude body to Hix, she plugged the hole where he was peering through.
"You've got this far. Are we gonna do it, or what?"
"Y-you mean "
"That's right!" Tengaar gave a highly suggestive grin. She quickly pressed her lips against Hix's as the two fell back in the water tower's water
About twenty minutes later, Barret, Rudy, Rude, and a couple of former SOLDIER troops walked in the theatre.
"Why are we here, anyway?" Rudy asked.
"We'd betta not leave early, or old man Zorak's gonna find out what we're up ta."
"That was amazing," Tengaar stated, as she let herself cool down and relax after their interval of pleasure in the fairly chilly water.
"I I should have done that long ago," Hix replied, happily. "Y-you're not gonna tell anyone about this, right?"
"Hix, when two people make love, you obviously never tell anyone!" Tengaar replied, giggling. "And you shouldn't mention this either. Unless you're one of those celebrity people or the leader in that semi-militaristic Republic on Earth with the fifty-state Army What was it again?"
"Uh, I forget," Hix answered, simply.
After finishing yet another disco song, the Warrior's Village People decided to take a brief rest. The entire place became silent.
Rudy, Barret, and Rude heard a lot of splashing and laughing somewhere above them.
"Uh what's that?" Rudy asked.
"Shhhh " Rude said.
"Shaddup, foos'!" Barret yelled. "Some chump's spyin' on us!"
"Where?" one of the SOLDIERs asked.
" The water tower," Rude answered, succinctly. "Barret, Rudy, fire at the poles."
Barret readied his steel machine-gun arm as Rudy dew his ARM. The two blasted away at the poles holding up the water tower. It started to fall down like a mature sequoia after a decapitating chainsaw rip.
CRASH! Without the stability of the poles, the water tower landed on top of the roof of the theatre. Its impact created a hole, allowing water to fall all over the Warrior's Village People, along with Barret, Rudy, and the SOLDIERs. Hix tumbled out and fell into a nearby barrel. The rim of the water tower was now perpendicular to the theatre's ground.
"Gotcha!" Barret yelled. "Hey, foo', you'd betta be talkin' about what yer doin', or I'm gonna blow your friggin' head off!" The big man aimed his Gatling gun-arm at the young warrior.
"I uh " Being sure not to break his promise of concealing his premarital sex with Tengaar, he stayed silent.
"Won't talk " Rude commented.
Without any clothes, Hix stayed in the barrel. "Hey, Tengaar, can you throw down some clothes!?"
Tengaar popped her head out of the rim of the crashed water tower. Giggling, she tossed down Hix's sword-in-scabbard.
"Uh, thanks," Hix replied, in a half-sarcastic tone.
Barret glared at the young woman, who was already back in her bodice, drawers, and one-piece decorated, light-brown robe. "Hey woman, what were you and that chump doin' in that big barrel?"
"I'm not telling, and it looks like YOU shouldn't be asking something like that, you muscle-brained loudmouth!" Tengaar defiantly taunted, pointing her right index finger at Barret, as if she were hexing him. "By the twenty-seven Runes of Truth, I can bash your rear right into orbit!" She readied her Thunder and Rage Runes embedded in her right and left hands.
"What did you say!? Come down here and I'll knock your punk-ass down!" Barret provoked, raising his gun-arm in the air.
Tengaar was, oddly enough, about to jump down. But at that time, Zorak, the Warrior's Village chief and Tengaar's father, marched in the theatre with half a dozen guards.
"What is the meaning of this!?" Zorak demanded.
He then glanced at Hix, who was using the barrel to cover himself. Eyes on fire, Zorak quickly gave the evil eye to his daughter. "Explain yourself, Tengaar."
"If it's about that time you thought I parked on top of three handicapped spots, I can explain!" Tengaar yelled. "Hix was the one driving!"
"You made him drive!" Zorak ranted.
"No, I didn't have a license yet," Tengaar highlighted.
"I meant the other 'drive', with his, his " Zorak was beginning to stutter as he pointed at the midsection of the barrel around Hix's waist.
"Yeah, we know," Hix sighed.
Tengaar angrily stared at her father. "Grrrr "
Next morning passed without too much of a hitch. At least, not yet
"JURY DUTY!?" A warrior in his mid-twenties with blue armor and straight, brownish hair frigidly glowered at the next day's mail.
"Hey Flik, what's it for?" A big, muscular black-haired man with yellow shirt and black pants walked up to Flik.
"Hey, Viktor. Apparently, Tengaar sexually abused Hix and wrecked the theater and water tower!"
"Yes, like that!"
Later that afternoon, Tengaar's trial was set up and gone under order at the newly built courthouse. Viktor and Flik were on jury duty, along with ten other people. Hix and Tengaar were the defendants, while Rudy, Rude, Barret, and the ubiquitous Fei were the plaintiffs.
"That prosecutor guy looks familiar," Flik stated.
"That's that Roger Waters," Viktor replied. "The Pink Floyd dude."
"I knew that," Flik groaned. "We're stuck behind four brick walls, and it's a trial."
"That reminds me." Flik glimpsed at the stand and the seemingly bored prosecutor. "Who's the judge?"
"We had to pick a neutral side, so we picked an Indigo from the Breath of Fire world!" Viktor said.
"Bleu!?" Flik flinched at Viktor's statement.
"No, the other one! The red-tailed, cyborg one from Caer Xhan!"
"Leefa!? That's even worse "
"And the Warrior's Village People as witnesses?"
"That's worse than worse!"
"Worse? Fei came here all the way from Lahan to put the nails on Hix and Tengaar's coffin!"
"That's the worst of all!" Flik was almost in shock at the weird events happening the past three minutes.
"And if he does, they will BOTH be in the same coffin!"
"That's even worse! In fact, that's the worst of the worst of the worst "
After about fifteen minutes, Roger Waters declared the court to go into order. "All rise for the honorable Judge Leefa from Caer Xhan!"
Every single person rose as the Indigo slithered in and made her presence. Leefa had red hair, red-white clothing, orange-and-white armor covering her upper half, a hat that resembled a beret, and a strange mechanical pack attached to her back that almost resembled the third Ninas wings.
Roger Waters noticed the tail. "Good morning, Worm your honor, the crown will plainly show the prisoner who now stands before you was caught red-handed showing feelings!"
"Feelings!?" Leefa replied. "What are you rambling about?"
"Showing feelings of an almost human nature this will not do. Call the schoolmaster!" Roger Waters added.
"I graduated from college at Dragnier 10,000 years ago and today's a Saturday!" Leefa replied. She then gave an order to the people in the courtroom. "You may sit down now!"
Leefa snagged the half-dozen sheets of paper lying before her, and read the first one. "Tengaar uh " It was then that Leefa noticed that Tengaar did not have a last name. "Tengaar of the Warrior's Village You have been accused of sexually abusing Hix, demolishing the water tower, destroying that Warrior's Village People's instruments, and parking over three handicapped spots in your visit to the local 7-11. How do you plead?"
Tengaar stood up from her chair on the defendant's side of the court. "Not guilty!" Every single person in the entire courtroom gasped.
"NOT GUILTY!?" Flik whispered loudly to Viktor. "She's as guilty as Sephiroth killing Aeris! Possibly not for the parking violation, though "
The entire court came to order as witnesses were called to the stand. "For my first witness, I call Rudy Roughnut to the stand," Fei declared.
The blue-haired, ARM-toting teen walked up to the stand.
"Take off your hat," Roger Waters ordered.
Rudy was about to take off his hat, only to realize that he had no hat.
"Raise your right hand," Roger Waters said, succinctly. Rudy raised his right hand.
Roger than took out one of the Old Books of the Suikoden legend. "Now put your left hand here."
"Can I have Volume 3 instead of the Old Book Volume 6?" Rudy asked.
"Just put your left hand here," Roger growled. Rudy followed his command.
"Do you solemnly sweartotellthetruththewholethuthandnothingbutthetruth!?" Roger Waters succinctly commanded, as if mumbling.
"Do you solemnly sweartotellthetruththewholethuthandnothingbutthetruth!?" Roger Waters repeated.
"Are you trying to give me the double talk!?" Rudy asked.
"Why won't you answer him!?" Leefa yelled.
"That Pink Floyd dude's talking pig Latin!" Rudy replied. "He's got a momentary lapse of reason this side of the dark side of the moon!"
"Don't meddle with me, I was once the piper of the gates of dawn!" Leefa bellowed toward Rudy. "Wish you were there, though "
"Trust me, it sure ain't the delicate sound of thunder!" Roger Waters then turned back to the matter at hand, as Rudy put his left hand on the Old Book.
"So do you solemnly sweartotellthetruththewholethuthandnothingbutthetruth!?" Roger Waters repeated.
"Of course! I've got more than a saucerful of secrets that'll nail that snooty little brat!" Rudy decreed, eyeing Tengaar.
Roger ignored Rudy's taunt toward Tengaar. "Take the stand."
Rudy sat down on the chair as Roger continued. "Exactly what happened last night, anyway?"
"Apparently, after loading the U-Haul truck with beer, we decided to watch the Warrior's Village People at the theater across the saloon. After the band finished playing, we decided to have a quick drink! Then those two goons came crashing down!"
"OBJECTION!" Tengaar bellowed. "You idiots SHOT us down! We were merely taking a dip in the cold water tower during that hot summer-"
"I'll tell you what happened!" Zorak ranted, as much of the audience, two-thirds of the jury, and even the judge was about to take a sip of water, almost in unison. "It is all because of your free love Hix and Tengaar made love in that very water you're drinking!"
All at once, every single person spat out the water. "Bleeech!"
All except Leefa, that is. "Hey, this stuff tastes great! Is it possible that I have another glass?"
Unfortunately for Hix and Tengaar, Zorak's previous sentence was purely true.
Another hour passed as both the plaintiff and defendant sides were in total deadlock.
"I'm still confused with the free love versus forced love thingy," Viktor stated. "That's all we've been ranting about all day Shouldn't both get a restraining order?"
"Hix and Tengaar?" Flik asked. "I was guessing that Hix should-"
"I meant free love and forced love!" Viktor clarified.
"Dunno about that since Odessa " Flik was trailing off as he remembered the tragedy with his girlfriend three years ago.
After some thought, Fei decided to play his trump card. "Okay, I call up Rude, Barret, and the Warrior's Village People!"
"Oh no," Flik groaned.
"Oh no," Viktor groaned.
"Oh no," Leefa groaned.
"Oh no," Tengaar groaned.
BOOM! The wall to Leefa's right side exploded with a mighty crash. The Kool-Aid Man was standing under the new entryway. "OH YEAH!"
Every single person gave the massive ten-foot-tall pitcher of red fruity liquid a dirty look. Sighing, the Kool-Aid Man plodded off.
Along with Rude and Barret, the five members of the Warrior's Village People all placed their hands on the Old Book. After swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, they all took the seven separate seats.
"Okay, you seven tell me what happened," Roger Waters asked the group.
"Can we sing it for ya?" one of the Warrior's Village People asked.
Though silent, Rude was disgusted at the thought. " "
"No singin', foo'!" Barret shouted. "You the chump of the whole music industry!"
"Oh yeah!?" The Warrior's Village People started to sing to the tune of the disco song "YMCA"
Oh, Zorak, you should not be so nice,
I mean, Tengaar, she's about as cold as dry ice
You saw Rudy, Rude and Barret right there
So we say, "Get that brat out of our hair!"
That's what, all of us would tell you
It's all over, even if you used Bleu
Got a verdict, guilty's all you will say
So take her, lock her, throw out the key
So, I say, "Jail Tengaar now!"
Jail Tengaar now!
No easy way out, that's what it's all about
She killed out music, the water, made that weak Hix dude pout
The group stopped playing as the entire court, Rude and Barret included, gave each other totally perplexed looks.
"What in Ladon does THAT mean!?" Leefa demanded.
"The Warrior's Village People said that they saw the whole thing," Roger Waters stated. "And it's the same with Rude and Barret!"
Everyone gasped, knowing that the plaintiff had full control of the case lock, stock, and barrel.
"This shouldn't take too long to reach a verdict " Fei told himself.
Hix and Tengaar stared at one another, knowing that there would be a verdict against Tengaar pretty damned soon.
"We're screwed," Hix told Tengaar. "What now?"
Tengaar eyed all of the potential exits out of the courthouse. "We break out!"
"H-how?" Hix stuttered. "They're gonna kill us!"
"It's just like the prison scene in Chrono Trigger, Hix!" Tengaar grabbed Hix's armpit and dragged him through the hole created by the Kool-Aid Man. Everyone in the vicinity gave chase, but after a couple of seconds, the two were long gone. The only three people remaining were Viktor, Flik, and Leefa.
"Disorder in the court!" Viktor bellowed.
Leefa stared at the empty courtroom. Slamming the gavel on its wooden pad, she announced her verdict. "I find the defendant not guilty. And as for free love and forced love, I proclaim that free love should stay five hundred yards from forced love."
* - Sturtheim Reinbach III was a fake name you can pick for Flik in Suikoden 2, when you pick fake names for everyone when you investigate Greenhill.