The Great Revenge Part 2: The Cloud Wars Chapter 5
Son of a Submariner!
By Limited Moon
Seeing the chapter's name, Vincent takes out a notebook, writes something in it, and puts it back, smiling.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Bahamut!" came a voice from outside Bahamut's cave, the Dragon King looked up to see Ramuh coming in, obviously angry.
"What is it, can't you see i'm reading?" Bahamut said with a sigh.
"Bahamut, you wont believe this, even though you sealed his cave, but CAIT SITH ESCAPED AGAIN!" Ramuh yelled.
"Why is he such a pain?!" Bahamut said, "he needs to be brought back again, and this time we will send him to LIMBO!"
Ramuh gasped, "not LIMBO, you're not serious are you?"
"Yes, i'm serious, i'm sick of him, maybe Limbo will straighten him out once and for all," Bahamut said.
"I like it! You can count on me!" Ramuh said, disappearing with a bolt of lightning.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Everyone gathered outside as the Highwind landed in front of Balamb Garden. Soon, a cool looking new door Cid never saw before opened up in front of it.
"Damn that's one cool %$#%#$% door!" Cid said in awe.
Squoud, Inoba and the robed man walked out of the door and stood in front of the door, looking at the large group. It consisted of Cloud's group and Professor Cid, Squall and Zell.
"It's a troublesome trio," Cloud said.
"WHAT THE #@%$#$#%?! SHUT THE #@$@$@# UP YOU #$#@$#@$!" Cid yelled.
"We're looking for Cloud Strife!" the robed man said.
"You'd best turn 'im up or we'll clobber yas!" Inoba said.
"We only have interest in Cloud," Squoud said, "show yourself Strife, or die."
"Uh, er, what exactly have...you been up to lately buddy?" Rufus said, looking at Cloud. Cloud shrugged.
"I'm here!" Barret said from on the pole, he jumped down and hit the confused Squoud, Inoba and robed man with his full weight. Palmer followed, and anything that breaks Palmer's fall doesen't leave the incident unscathed. RedXIII quietly landed on his feet near them.
"Where have YOU been, Barret?" Vincent said.
"I called you, like 8 hours ago now!" Tifa said angrily, "you'd better have a good reason for this!"
"What? I'm here, ain't I?" Barret said.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"That was so good," Elena said, walking into the Deva System room.
"Yeah," Reno said, following, "I have never seen Rude cook anything alcohol-based that was this good."
"Enough, you're embarrasing me," Rude said.
"Hey," Elena said, looking around, "do you smell snickers?"
"How can you smell a laugh?" Rude said, scratching his bald head.
"NO! I mean Snickers, the candy bar!" Elena replied.
"Come to think of it, I DO smell a snicker bar," Reno said, walking over to the Snack Machine. He turned, and saw Marlene lying there, asleep.
"Look, it's Barret's daughter," Reno said.
"Oh fun, now we're babysitters," Elena said, sighing.
"...I hate babysitting, we'd better get some GOOD pay for this," Rude said, leaning on the location switch, he heard the click and quickly got up.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Tifa blinked and all of a sudden everyone was in another location. Cait Sith quietly trying to spray paint Rufus' door in the corner of the pinkish house-like living room.
"Oh fun," Tifa said, "it's happening again."
"CAIT SITH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" Rufus yelled, storming to the door and Cait.
"Ah," Cait said, hiding the spray paint can, "nothing."
"NOW where the #$%#$%#$ are we?" Cid asked.
"This...is screwed up, i'm dreaming this!" Aerith said, "I am NOT living this, I want to wake up now!" she closed her eyes and slapped herself in the face. She reopened them and looked around, "damnit! It didn't work!" she yelled angrily.
Tinky Winky....
"Hey, does anyone...HEAR something odd?" Vincent said, looking around.
La la...
"Oh no," Cid said, "I think I know where the ##@$@$# we are."
It's time for....
A bunch of various colored monkeys jumped out of the walls of the house.
"OH GOD NO!" Tifa exclaimed.
"IT'S THE $##$#$% TELETUBBIES!" Cid yelled, getting his spear out.
The pink one gasped, "it's that man again!" it said in a high pitched squeaky voice.
"You'd BETTER $@#$@$ remember me! You better DIE this time!" Cid yelled, spinning his spear.
"oooo!" said the yellow one, "zooka!"
The yellow one held up it's arms and a large bazooka appeared in them, it set the bazooka on it's shoulder and giggled.
"DRAW YOUR #$@#$@#$ WEAPONS! THESE LITTLE $##@$#@ ARE DANGEROUS!" Cid yelled.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Yuffie listened to the Backstreet Boys on her bed in the middle of her room. She seemed absorbed into the song until she looked at the clock. She shrieked with joy and turned off the radio. She grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels. She finally stopped on the one she wanted and got closer to the TV.
It was an empty pink living room on the screen with the teletubbie's theme song playing. All of a sudden, a bunch of familiar people appeared in the middle of the room.
"Oh fun," she heard Tifa say, "it's happening again."
"CAIT SITH!" she heard Rufus yell, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Like, what is this?" Yuffie said, scratching her head.
"Hey, does anyone hear something...odd?" she heard Vincent say.
"What's Cloud and everyone doing on teletubbies?" she wondered.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"'shine gun!" the pink one said, a machine gun appearing in their hands.
Cloud omnislashed the yellow one, completely tearing it apart, but it reformed again. The same thing happened everytime the teletubbies were attacked, they would be blown away then reform magically.
"THIS IS A $#$$$%# NIGHTMARE!" Cid yelled, trying to kill the red one.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Hmmm," Rude said, looking at the switch, "does this do anything at all?" he looked at it curiously, and flipped it again.
He waited a couple of seconds, then shrugged.
"It must be there just to be there," Rude said.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"'tom bom'!" the green one said, holding it's hands in the air. An atomic bomb appeared in it's hands and it smiled deviously.
"OH #$%#$%!" Cid yelled, "we need to get the #%#%$# out of here!"
He blinked and all of a sudden, he was somewhere else...AGAIN. Cid looked around, and sighed seeing there was no teletubbies in sight.
"Where are we now?" Tifa wondered.
They all looked around, they were in some kind of large castle. Rufus sighed in relief knowing where they were.
"I remember, this is Castlevania," Rufus said, "we were here during the Guardian Emblem incident."
"That's it, Barret is going to GET IT for this one," Aerith said.
"Actually, if I remember correctly, it was all RUFUS' fault we're here," Cait Sith said, giggling.
"...NO IT WAS NOT!" Rufus said, "it was YOUR FAULT if anyone's!"
"SHHH!" came a skeleton from the wall, "you're waking the dead!"
"What a convenient pun," Cait Sith said.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Within the Highwind, Squoud, the robed man, and Inoba operated it from the cockpit, trying to locate Cloud again.
"Cloud's gone," Squoud said, looking around, "but I know the perfect place to draw him toward."
"Where?" the robed man asked.
"We'll go to my dimensional rift, and from there we'll summon Cloud and his little friends," Squoud said, "they'll have to fight, or those three get incinerated."
"and where, pritell, is your 'rift'?" the robed man replied.
"The Alternate dimension, otherwise known as, the 'Mirror Dimension', where all is reverse, and controlled by the Golden Helmet of Mambrino, I must get the helmet back, or my rule over that world will diminish!" Squoud said, with an actual expression.
"The Golden Helmet of...WHAT?!" the robed man replied, looking at Squoud.
"It doesen't matter any longer," Squoud said, "we go to the 'Mirror Dimension' and summon our little troublemaker!"
"Is it just me, or does he sound different?" Inoba remarked.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The group wandered through Castlevania, looking for a way out of it. After all, it was far from safe in the haunted castle.
"Shouldn't Alucard be in this vicinity?" Cait Sith wondered.
"My sister was vacationing here last I checked," Vincent said, "if anyone is here she should."
"You're joking, right? This place is hardly the right 'vacation spot'," Aerith remarked.
"Actually, for some reason, she feels like she's home in some kind of horror place, like Racoon City, who would bother to go there?" Vincent said with a shrug.
They wandered into a large room, that looked suspiciously like the main hall in Resident Evil's mansion. A noise that sounded like a door opening was heard, and they all hid behind the stairway.
"What is this?" came one male voice.
"Wow, WHAT A MANSION!" came another.
"Mansion?" Cait Sith asked, scratching his head. Tifa shooshed him immediately.
"Captain Wesker, where's Chris?" came a familiar female voice.
"Hey, there she is now," Vincent said, smiling.
"STOP IT! Don't OPEN that DOOR!" came the first male voice again.
"but Chris is...!" Jill replied.
There was no noise for a couple of seconds. Soon, Cloud's group heard Jill tapping her feet impatiently.
"Ok, the gunshot's a bit late," came the second male voice.
"Are you sure we're in the right place, Wesker?" Jill said, looking at her watch.
"Chris is the one doing the stupid sound effects, not me! Stop looking at me, Jill!" Wesker replied harshly, combing his hair.
"Ok, explain this %$%$^% to me, Vincent," Cid whispered.
"Jill and her friends at Raccon Police joined a club that's dedicated to reinacting Resident Evil at every spooky mansion in the world," Vincent explained, "she wrote me about it two weeks ago."
"This is all an act," Cloud wondered in complete monotone.
"That was obvious enough without you having to ##$%$% say it!" Cid whispered...loudly.
"GOT IT!" came a male voice yelling from the room to the left, "sorry I was late, um...let's take it from the top!"
"Damnit Chris, can't you be just a bit slower!" Wesker yelled back.
"Should we make ourselves known?" Aerith asked, looking around.
"Why not?" Vincent said, getting up.
"Jill!" Vincent called, running out from behind the stairway.
"Vincent?" Jill said, scratching her head, "what are you doing here?"
"It's a long story, we've...um..been dimension hopping, anyway it's good to see you!" Vincent said.
"It's Jill," Cloud stated.
"Yeah, we were just here for our 5th reinactment of Resident Evil," Jill explained, "apparently, we'll have to wait another day for Chris to get all the animatronic zombies and things ready."
"Why are you doing this in CASTLEVANIA of all places, it's spooky, but it looks nothing like the RE mansion," Aerith said, looking around, "at least, it didn't before."
"Dracula loves this sort of thing, B-movie style horror," Wesker said, combing his hair, "he paid lots of money for us to just come here."
"You wouldn't happen to have any relatives named Nash, would you?" Cait said, looking at Wesker.
Soon, the door on the right side opened. Everyone turned their heads to look at it, and wandering in was Bordam Daravon.
"Ah! Good comings!" Daravon said, waving happily.
"What is Daravon doing here?" Cait Sith wondered out loud.
"Doing is seeing I fine!" Daravon said with a large grin on his face. Jill scratched her head in wonder.
"Anybody with a $%#!@#$% translation?!" Cid asked loudly.
"It's times like these that we need good ole Red," Cait Sith said with a smirk on his face.
"I'll try to translate," Cloud said.
"Ah, translating in novice is fun!" Daravon said, laughing heartily.
"Um, novice lives next door, and he's a translator too?" Cloud said, confused himself.
"Castle I knowing well, showing is a show tat is ing," Daravon offered.
"I think he said he'll show us around, either that or he's explaining word endings to us," Cloud said.
"Listen, Mr. Daravon, were looking for a way out of this dimension to return home," Tifa asked, "can anyone help us?"
"Ah, Dracula is helping!" Daravon replied with great enthusiasm, "this was the darkened items wont appear!"
"I think he said Dracula can help us," Cloud translated roughly.
"Ah, great!" Rufus said, sarcastically, "i'm sure Dracula will take time from cleansing the world with evil to send us home!
"Oh, stop being so cynical!" Tifa said, "Daravon, please show us to Dracula!"
"Hey, Rufus...better not let him see that door...if you know what I mean," Cait Sith said, nudging him.
"Nonsense! I'll bet Dracula doesen't even know how MANY doors he has, how could he miss this little one, besides it was so long ago!" Rufus reassured.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Say," Dracula said, "that looks awfully similar to the door I had in my library!"
"This?" Rufus said, clutching his door, "Oh, I aquired this from a museum long ago! It's not yours, besides, it looks nothing like it!"
"Oh, well I suppose," Dracula replied, sipping his wine, "so, my good friend Daravon brought you here, eh? What do you ~hu-mans~ need?"
"What was the ~hu-mans~ thing for?" Cait Sith asked.
"Just my wondrous voice doing it's majesty," Dracula replied, sipping more wine, "I owe Daravon for my wonderful new voice!"
"Ah, thanks given are thanks given in battle!" Daravon replied, smiling.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Damnit, why did I have to get called by Tifa!" Barret said, struggling with the ropes.
"It's actually all your fault we're here, Barret," Red replied, "i'll remember how humiliating it is to be on a leash next time your birthday comes around."
"I just wanted to sell you some cosmetics, but that Inoba guy took them all," Palmer whined, starting to cry.
They heard the noise of the intercom coming online, and soon, a voice blared out of it, "welcome to the one and only dimensional ship highwind! Your destination is the 'Mirror Dimension', where you'll be held hostage until you meet your friends, and used as bait to lure them into Squoud's hands so his plan will work as discussed. In the meantime, we have assembled an image for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy."
"Damn straight, if i'm going to be tied up to Palmer, I better have something to do!" Barret said, content.
"I have a bad, bad feeling about this," RedXIII moaned.
"Actually, I had a good feeling!" Palmer said.
"For your sake, you better be lying!" Barret yelled.
Soon, a small screen appeared on the wall, right where it was easily viewed, even if you looked away. Soon, an ear grinding rendition of Cosmo Canyon's theme played on a trumpet started playing, and on the screen, big and hard to ignore, appeared the most horrible, and most unimaginable image ever created.
"Oh my GOD!" Barret yelled, trying to shield it from his eyes, but it was impossible to ignore.
"Nobody deserves to see this...THING!" RedXIII yelled struggling.
"I don't mind it," Palmer said, shrugging in his ropes.
From a camera in the room, the robed man and Inoba (wearing makeup) watched the carnage.
"Wow, dat's effective," Inoba said.
"Squoud," the robed man called to Squoud, "what DID you show them?"
"The most grotesque image known to man, the most evil image I could possible expose them to....the box art to Mega Man!" Squoud said, cackling evilly.
"Wow, that IS evil," Inoba replied, looking in the custom mirror that came with Palmer's cosmetics set.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Dracula, would it be possible for you to send us back?" Tifa begged, "back to our home in the FF7 world?!"
"You know what?" Vincent whispered to Cait as Tifa tried to get Dracula to help.
"What?" Cait replied.
"I just felt the sudden urge to give Palmer a point," Vincent replied, taking out his notebook and writing something in it.
"I'm thinking about it!" Dracula said, slowly losing his patience.
Soon, a young man in a blue tunic walked in, he had a whip in his hand.
"Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!" the man said.
"Not now, you stupid idiot, can't you see i'm holding a meeting with some dear friends!" Dracula snapped.
"Oh, uh...when is a good time for you then, Draqy?" the man replied.
"Bah, try tomorrow night!" Dracula replied harshly.
"Ok, see ya then!" the man said, looking outside.
"BARRY!" came a voice, "it's your part, your making this so hard for us!"
"Coming Jill!" the man said, jumping outside.
"Uh....," Rufus said, scratching his head.
"I might be able to arrange something," Dracula finally said, "if you do something for me."
"Ok, shoot," Tifa said.
"Yesterday, this little green thing appeared in my castle, for no reason! It stole my most prized relic, the Holy Symbol," Dracula explained. Everyone (except Cloud) groaned in reply.
"NOT ANOTHER #%#$%#% PICKET!" Cid stormed.
"How did one get here anyway?!" Rufus wondered.
"So, we find your Holy Symbol, we get to go home, right?" Tifa said, sighing.
"It's a deal!" Dracula said, "but don't shake my hand, it's awfully fragile and breaks easily."
and so, the group left to catch their second picket. Little did they know, that hiding around the castle, and old man was watching closely...
.