The Great Revenge Part 2: The Cloud Wars Chapter 7

People Come Back From the Dead All the Time, Just They Don't Stay Sane When They Do

By Limited Moon

"They shall be here soon," Squoud said, looking out the window of Tifa's Bar in 'mirror' Midgar (Ragdim).

"Mph mph mph mphhphp mph!" the gagged Barret yelled, struggling in his ropes at the table near Squoud.

"mph mp mph mph!" the gagged RedXIII challenged.

"mphmphphmhmphpm!" the gagged Palmer retorted.

"how do I look?" Inoba said, now having a dress to match his new cosmetics.

Squoud turned around, and he assumed a 'what the hell' expression on his face, "you...uh...look...uh...differen't."

"Yeah, I got all the makeup for free too!" Inoba said, laughing. Palmer retorted with a bunch of muffled cursing.

"I wonder where that robed...person went?" Squoud said.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The group made their way to the lower city of Ragdim. The real problem then reared it's ugly head. Squoud told them to come to the lower city, but he never mentioned where in the lower city... they sat in the middle of Sector 6's 'Tekram Llaw' and waited for Squoud to make a move.

Of course, we could make this story never end by repeating the last two lines over and over, like so:

The group made their way to the lower city of Ragdim. The real problem then reared it's ugly head. Squoud told them to come to the lower city, but he never mentioned where in the lower city... they sat in the middle of Sector 6's 'Tekram Llaw' and waited for Squoud to make a move.

The group made their way to the lower city of Ragdim. The real problem then reared it's ugly head. Squoud told them to come to the lower city, but he never mentioned where in the lower city... they sat in the middle of Sector 6's 'Tekram Llaw' and waited for Squoud to make a move.

...but i'm not that cruel. So let's continue this story, shall we?

Squoud walked into the Tekram Llaw with Inoba (in full makeup and dress) and his three hostages. Everyone looked at him with an inquiring look.

"So, we meet again," Squoud said with an evil grin, "Your friends are nice and safe, but only if you produce the Helmet of Mambrino," he said.

"It's Squoud," Cloud said in complete monotone, "it's Dasher Inoba?"

"Fine, you can have the stupid helmet!" Tifa said, "but give Barret, Red and Palmer back first!"

"I'm not stupid," Squoud said, "give me the helmet first."

"No," Tifa argued, "them first or no deal!"

"We're getting %$#%$#%# NOWHERE!" Cid interrupted, "let's give them to eachother at the same time!"

Squoud and Tifa both looked at Cid, "you stay outta this!" they yelled simultaneously, knocking Cid off his feet, then they continued arguing.

"Fine then!" Squoud said, "I have a great idea, let's give them to eachother at the same time!"

"That's fine with me, if you can handle it!" Tifa snapped back.

Cid groaned loudly as Tifa grabbed the helmet from Rufus and brought it to Squoud. She set the helmet down and Squoud set the hostages down, thne they reached for both at the same time and ended up getting into another arguement.

"This is getting nowhere!" Rufus said.

"I'll get the hostages, if you like," Cloud offered. He walked over by where Squoud and Tifa were arguing (soon to be fighting), grabbed Barret, Red and Palmer (who were tied together) and dragged them back to where the group was.

"mphmhphphphhhmhpmhmp!" Barret said happily as he was untied, then he got the gag out of his mouth, "Cloud, be glad you wasn't there!"

"Yes," RedXIII said, "I was traumatized by a picture of a constipated middle-aged man walking crab-like toward the screen with the trademark arm blaster replaced by a hand held shooter he can't even aim straight. It was a nightmare."

"some big ugly wrestler stole all my cosmetics!" Palmer whined, then broke down into a crying frenzy.

Squoud and Tifa continued their argument from the middle, and didn't notice the thunderclouds rolling in.

"Uh," Inoba said, "Squoud, you got the helmet."

They continued arguing with no idea what was going on around them, lightning bolts struck in a circular arc, and the robed man appeared in the middle of the arc.

"Can't we just go home?!" Rufus whined.

"Cloud, we finally meet again," the robed man said.

The robed man began to laugh evilly, and very loudly, " is time for my 'coming out party'! Send in the clowns! hmm hm!"

"What on?" Squoud said looking at him.

"It's a guy in robes," Cloud said in complete monotone.

"I'm not just ANY guy in robes!" the robed man said, throwing the robe off.

Everyone gasped, even Tifa and Squoud gasped, hell even Inoba gasped. Underneath the robes, was General Leo!

"It's General Leo," Cloud said, stating the obvious.

"General Leo?!" Squoud said, "who the hell is that?!"

"It's before your time," Tifa whispered, "WAY before your time."

"Ahaahahahah! Not General Leo, dear Squoud," General Leo cackled, "Demented EMPORER Leo!"

Everyone immediately made a dramatic gasp.

General Leo began to charge up a magic blast, laughing insanely.

"General! We were friends!" Aerith pleaded, "remember, in the land of the dead?!"

"Oh ho Leo....YES!" Leo said, cackling, "people may mourn this day...but MY GLORIOUS RULE, can only begin with THAT helmet!"

"Your not getting my helmet!" Squoud yelled, "I worked damn hard to get this back not to have it stolen by some lame dead general!"

"Fine, then, i'll take both you AND the helmet!" Leo said, laughing insanely. He pointed his hand at Squoud and a large circle engulfed Squoud, completely compressing him into a little ball, which flew into General Leo's hand.

"Squoud will be the cornerstone of a new, order. MY world order, but! Who will be foolish enough to try and stop me!" Leo said, cackling.

"You know this fruitcake, Aerith?" Cid whispered.

"It's General Leo, he died once too, but he was never like this!" Aerith whispered back.

Leo threw his new cape back, "Donna Reed was only the first coming of my attempts to conquer the world! Since I became demented Emporer, I gained the ability to control everything on the media!"

"Yep, I noticed the resemblance!" Barret taunted, "so you brought the evil of Donna Reed to our world!"

"We cannot let you grip the world in your frozen grasp anymore!" RedXIII said.

"I wont let you do this," Cloud said, taking out his Buster Sword.

"Grovel before the incredible power of the demented emporer!" Leo yelled, laughing insanely. He held out his hand and out came the Brady Bunch theme song. It was so horrible, so loud that Cloud and the group weren't able to move!

"Noone, and nothing can stop my power, as demented emporer! I will knock you all down!" Leo said, laughing insanely, "why don't you come to the world of '60s sitcoms!"

The world began to go blank in front of Cloud's eyes, and soon...he was somewhere else...

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Cloud woke up in a small house...that was completely in black and white. He looked around and wondered what was going on.

"It's a black and white house," he said.

Then, for some reason, he heard laughing in the background. He looked around wondering where it came from.

He then heard Aerith's voice, "Cloud!", it came from the upstairs bedroom of the house he was in.

He ran to the upstairs bedroom and opened the door to see Aerith panic-stricken looking around. She looked up at him and ran outside the room.

"This isn't right, what's going on, Cloud?!" she said, looking around.

"We're in a 60s sitcom," Cloud replied, stating the obvious.

"Leo was never like this when we were in the land of the dead, I think something's happened to him, Cloud," Aerith said, "we have to find him and stop him, he can't take over the world!"

"Where is everyone?" Cloud wondered.

"I have no idea, but we have to find them....except maybe Tifa," Aerith decided, "anyway we have to hurry!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Leo sat in his throne, waiting for Cloud and his friends to show up. His 'throne' was in a long colored hallway with a TV in it. This TV was where he would watch Cloud's progress.

"Um," he heard Inoba say, Leo stood up and looked around. In the corner, he saw Inoba (in full female attire and makeup) cowering behind one of the pillars in the hallway. Inoba noticed that Leo saw him and ran into the corner to cower even more.

"P...p.p.p.p.p.please don't turn me into a little ball!" he pleaded.

"Why would I, Inoba, our first goal IS to get revenge upon Cloud, ISN'T it?" he looked at Inoba with a smile on his face.

"Does that mean I don't get turned into a little ball?" Inoba said.

"No," Leo said, and held his hand out toward Inoba. Inoba was compressed into a little ball and flew into Leo's hand.

"Cross-dressing moron," Leo said, sitting back in his throne.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Cid awoke in a small shop, he looked around. Everything was in black and white and looked like a bad episode of the old 1950 Dennis the Menace show.

"What in the mother $%%#$%#$%#$!" Cid yelled. He then heard a bunch of gasping from nowhere in particular.

"Oh, no....Oh #@$$@$@ no! I'm not going through this $#@$$# again!" Cid declared, ignoring the second wave of gasping.

He ran out of the small store and out into a small town street, complete with old cars and houses.

"Demented Emporer my %$%#%#$%#! I'll get that $%#$@#$ and tear his little #@%$#%$% off and make him $#$$@$$@$@%#@%$#%#$%#$%#%$%#%#! and then i'll @#$#@#$@#$@$@$$@$@$ oh, and I wont forget to #$%@#$@#$@#@!" and he rambled on and on in the middle of the sidewalk, constant gasping surrounding him.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Cloud and Aerith searched down the street for any sign of Tifa, Vincent, Cait, Barret, Cid, RedXIII, Rufus and Palmer. They gasped in delight when they heard Cid's cursing spree near the town store.

They ran down in the relative direction of the cursing, and sure enough there was Cid cursing away. A big crowd was around him watching the chaos he was spreading.

"CID!" Aerith yelled, running through the people.

"$@#$#$@$@#$$@$ and $#@#$@$@#$@ and you will @#$#$@#$@$#! Oh, hi Aerith," Cid said, "I hope you heard that you Demented Emporer #$@#$@#!"

"We found someone at least," Aerith said.

"HELP! SAVE ME FROM THIS UGLY OLD HAG!" they heard a whiny voice from nowhere.

"It's Cait Sith," Cloud said in complete monotone.

"Even better," Aerith said, "come on, Cid!"

They ran down the street to find an old woman 'petting' (actually, she was bashing him over the head with her hand bag) Cait Sith.

"HELP!" he pleaded, "SAVE ME YOU GUYS!"

They ran over and grabbed Cait away from the old lady, and set him back down on the ground.

"Oh, he's such a cute little kitty," the old lady said in a sweet voice.

"Shut up you old..."

"Cait Sith," Aerith said, "it's good to see you safe."

"Any more of that and I would be suffering from brain damage," Cait Sith said, "that Demented Emporer! I'll make him feel my moogles punch, if my moogle can hear the whistle from here."

Tifa, Vincent, Rufus, Barret, RedXIII and Palmer rushed up from one of the buildings towards Aerith, Cloud, Cid and Cait. They were happy to see eachother, until the big crowd from inside the building followed.

"Um...explanation?!" Aerith demanded.

"I don' have the time, just RUN! RUN if you value yer life!" Barret yelled, running.

"I'm with $%$%@#$@ Barret!" Cid yelled running away.

Everyone followed, running down the city street as fast as they could from the huge mob of people. It only got more hopeless when black and white cars soon joined the chase, and a little while after that, airplanes. Aerith caught up to Barret, and tried to stay even with him.

"What the hell?!" she yelled to him.

"I'm a movie star, and i'm too damn popular! I'll get that Demented Emporer for this!" Barret yelled.

but soon, a bright light engulfed them....and they appeared at the beginning of a long hallway....


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