Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #101
The Sword of Zeal Part 3
The Falcon Suit
By The Spy
Scott opened his eyes. He was inside a metal building. It seemed like there used to be a glass ceiling, but most of the glass was broken to reveal a reddish brown sky.
Crow: In case of sky, break glass.
He saw a big lump of gold metal on the steel platform. Then he noticed what he was sitting on. A big pile of circuitry, metal, and plastic junk. He quickly jumped onto the steel platform, and approached the gold lump of.... What was it? He couldn't really make it out. Whatever it was, it was severely broken.
Mike: As opposed to moderately broken.
He tried to fix it, but had no idea how. He then heard footsteps coming towards him. Scott jumped behind the Gold thing. When he landed, he discovered a wristwatch (Mainly because he landed on the corner of it) but it didn't tell time. Instead it had a button on it. Some text on the back said "The Falcon Suit".
Crow: The MALTESE Falcon Suit.
Scott put it on and pressed it. There was a bright flash, and he was decked in a red suit of robotic armor."
Tom: (Bob voice) Glitch, download!
Mike: I thought we'd gone a little while without an acid trip...
He had a lightsabre pinned to his back, and he had a hand cannon where his left hand was supposed to be. Scott noticed that he looked a lot like Zero from Mega Man.
Crow: So even though Zero already HAS a Z Sabre, he apparently felt the need to borrow a light sabre too.
The footsteps stopped, then he heard the slashing of swords and the firing of guns. Then the footsteps continued to his place. He powered up his blaster.
"Who are you?" Scott asked as he changed colors because of the power absorb. Now he was sure that he was Zero.
Mike: He's a zero in my book...
Crono drew his sword. "I was gonna ask you the same question. I'm Crono."
The girl with the goofy helmet said "I'm Lucca."
The girl with the ponytail said "I'm Marle!"
"Where have I heard this before?" Scott wondered.
"Lucca walked over to the hunk of golden metal.
Tom: (Lucca voice) You are one FINE hunk of metal!
"I bet you're gonna say "It appears to be a humanoid robot! Incredible!", Lucca" Scott said.
"It Appears to be...HEY!!!!" Lucca said, puzzled. Scott's hunch was right. He was in the Chrono Trigger game!
Crow: I think my I.Q. dropped ten points during that sequence...
45 minutes later...
The mass of golden metal flickered to life. Well... not really life, he just moved. That golden whatever was a robot.
"Hello, how may I help you?" It asked.
Crow: (Robot voice) Welcome to McDonald's. Our special today is the double bacon cheeseburger, also known as the McHeartAttack.
"I'm Marle, this is Crono,This is Lucca, who fixed you,
Crow: (Robot voice) Ow! Hachi machi...!
and this is... Who are you anyway?
"Scott" Scott said still watching the robot.
Mike: He's just now telling them his name? That must have been an awkward 45 minutes while he stood there...
"What's your name golden boy?"
Mike: (Deep, beach bum voice) Chad!
"Name..." He wondered for a while..." Ahh! My serial number is R-66Y!"
Crow: ...Mom!!! No, wait, her serial number is R66-Y. Whew...
"Cool!" Lucca said. But Marle did not agree.
Tom: (Marle voice) Warm!
"Yuck! How about.... Robo?" Marle asked.
Mike: Yeah, a name a two year old could come up with! That should be about right for this crew.
"My name is...Robo. Data download complete." Robo said.
"Isn't the name screen supposed to appear?" Scott mumbled.
Mike: Yes, a giant, two dimensional box will just appear in midair. Yeah, right!
Tom: Settle down honey. It's gonna be a while still...
"What? Crono asked.
"The door to the gate is stuck." Crono observed
Crow: (Robo voice) Try turning the knob.
Mike: (Crono voice) Oooooooh.
"We should go to the factory to turn on the energy to open the door." Robo suggested.
"Why waste the time?" Scott asked as he powered up the handcannon. He shot a purple wave of energy at the door, blowing it off it's hinges.
Tom: Well, thank goodness they avoided that quest, thereby avoiding a huge amount of character development and cool fighting action!
"Cool!" Crono commented. They all entered the gate and were off.
" Not again!" Scott yelled.
* * *
The End Of Time
Gaspar was leaning on his lamppost as he always was. Spekkio walked out.
"Something's wrong, eh?" He asked.
"Indeed. I'm always supposed to know the story of history, but things have changed. The original 7 are supposed to fight and win, but 3 new ones have entered their group. I can't tell what will happen now, time is starting to warp."
Crow: (Gaspar voice) Multiple paradoxes will be created, and the universe will be destroyed. The end. (Gets up and starts to walk away.)
Mike: Get back here!
"And all because of a broken video game that kept this world in line." Spekkio added.
Tom: Whoah! We've gotta invite Spekkio over.
Mike: We'll see.
"Those new 3 are supposed to set everything right, but if that happens, you know what will happen to their world?" Gaspar asked.
Mike: (Spekkio voice) 7,000 people in New Jersey won't get their newspaper subscription renewal slips!
"Yep." Spekkio knew just about as much as Gaspar did.
Tom: So... nothing then.
Gaspar let out a sigh and put down his pipe.
Mike: (Gaspar voice) Mmm... That's some sweet, sweet crack.
"I guess it must resort to this..." Crono, Lucca, Marle, Robo, and Scott came into the room.
"W-Where are we?" Asked Crono.
"You are in the end of time, my friend. All time gates..." Gaspar went on and on... Scott plugged his ears to avoid hearing this, because he had read it at least 20 times before.
"Don't be in such a hurry to leave. Check out the door behind me!" Gaspar pointed at the door to Spekkio's room. Crono opened the door, to see a small ball of fuzz. Robo cracked up. Scott plugged his ears again to avoid boring speech , and didn't notice that Spekkio was talking to him.
Crow: I get the feeling that this boy doesn't notice much.
"SCOTT!!!!!!!!" Spekkio yelled to get his attention. Scott listened." There are many types of magic, but the 4 basics are lightning, fire, water, and shadow (a mix of the first 3). The other advanced types are plant, jade,
Tom: He ripped off Nanaki again!
Mike: Let's just hope Serges doesn't make a cameo later on.
ice, gravity, holy, and unfocused. The kid with the spiky hair gets lightning. The girl with the goofy glasses gets fire. The girl in the ponytail gets ice. Whoa!" Spekkio shouted, pointing at Robo."That's the biggest toy I've ever seen!
Crow: PLEASE let him still be talking about Robo...
You're not alive, are you? Since I can't measure you're inner soul, I can't give you magic. Your lazers inflict shadow type attacks anyway. Hey!" Spekkio looked at Scott. "You're a bit different... I really don't know what type of magic to give you. Your falcon suit has decent attacks anyway."
Mike: (Spekkio voice) Basically, I'm too lazy to do anything for you. Them's the breaks.
They walked out of the room to get Frog and find the Masamune.
Tom: Which they won't find out about for another half hour...
Crow: Well, since Devon got telekinesis, I guess Scott has precognition.
* * *
All: Nooooo!!! We're back in the Middle Ages!!
"This is the life." Mud imp said to Blue imp.
"Yea. No more Magus, or wars." Blue imp responded.
"I wouldn't be sure about the war part. Ozzie VIII is pretty steamed at the humans about the victory 400 years ago." Mud imp said.
"Still???" Blue imp was amazed. "Why doesn't he give it up?"
Tom: (Blue Imp voice) I'm amazed we never had this conversation before, considering we had 400 years of free time...
Suddenly, the cupboard started to shake and rumble. The door opened, and a blue, swirling portal appeared. Then, a big, gold robot, a teen with spiky red hair, and another teen in a red suit of strange armor.
Crow: Wow, a sentence with NO verbs. I'm impressed.
"What do you think you're doing, coming into my house like that? You humans always coming out of my closet whenever you like!" The Blue imp pushed them to the door.
"Chill, it was a cupboard." Scott said.
"Whatever." He said as he pushed the two visitors out the door.
Mike: (Scott voice) Talk to the hand.
"Melchior said to drop by if we were ever in Medina. Let's go see him." Crono suggested. The three time travelers left Medina and journeyed to Heckran cave and the lone hut just past it. Crono walked up to the door and knocked.
Mike: When the house is a-rockin', don't go a-knockin'.
No answer. He tried again.
"No doorbells?" Scott asked, sarcastically.
"What's a doorbell?" Crono asked.
"Never mind." Was Scott's reply.
"MELCHIOR, OPEN UP!!!" Crono yelled, growing impatient. The door opened. A Melchior that looked like he was just disturbed from a very relaxing sleep appeared at the door.
"Why did you do that? If I don't awnscer, I would not like to be distu..." Melchior rubbed his eyes until the three figures were in focus. "Oh! It's you!
Tom: (Melchior voice) Yeah, you guys. I've seen one of you, once before in my life. This changes everything!
Did you come to buy something from me?" He asked.
Mike: (Crono voice) Sure. I'd like 5/8ths of bundt...
"Yes, I would like a Red katana, please." Crono asked.
Tom: (Melchior voice) I'm impressed that you knew the sword existed without ever coming inside my house and seeing it...
Melchior replied, opening a chest
Mike: To perform open heart surgery...
with swords in it. "Here you are." Melchior handed him the crimson blade.
"Saaaay, Melchior, what's that cave outside your house for?"
Crow: Okay, we're talking about swords and caves in the same couple of sentences. You know what Freud would say...
Tom: No, but I don't think I wanna find out either...
Scott asked because the game called to go there next, and he was very bored.
"That cave leads under the ocean to the western continent." Melchior replied.
"That's just where we need to go!" Crono cried, excited that he didn't have to wait for the ferry to be built.
Crow: ...The hell?
Mike: I thought the story had been getting a bit too logical lately...
Crono thanked Melchior for the sword and the advice, and they left for the cave. After about two minutes they were at the entrance of the cave. Upon entering, the group saw two henches guarding the entrance.
"Death to the mystics enemies!!!" One of them yelled.
Scott held up his blaster and was going to set it to lazer beam, but it was out of power so he changed it to acid bombs. "Shut up!!!" he yelled as he shot two acid bombs.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the wittiest retort in the history of mankind...
The three watched as the acid ate through the flesh of the henches at the doorway. They were screaming in pain as they were slowly dying.
Crow: (Scott voice) Ah, nothin' like killin' thangs to ease the boredom...
The acid ate away their bodies to nothing. "Hee hee. Easy battle." The trio ran through the cave, destroying the enemies that tried to stop them. Finally they met Heckran.
Tom: Thank goodness we blazed past another sequence of potentially exciting battles.
Scott couldn't use magic, so he used his heal lazer to help the teen battle the monster. Crono casted lightning, while Robo used lazer spin (Shadow, remember?).
Crow: The ninja from Final Fantasy 6?
The creature screamed with pain and then curled up into a ball.
"Just try and attack!!!" Heckran yelled.
"Glad to oblige." Scott was getting bored and stood up, powering up for an ultima-acid wave.
Tom: Didn't the Entity choose this doofus because he was supposed to know something about the game?
"Sit down! He'll give us a big attack if we don't use magic. You'll get your turn in another battle." Crono said and then cast a lightning spell when Heckran rolled out of his ball. Robo fired a continuous stream of lazers, and Crono flung every magic spell he had at the beast. "Why the hell isn't he attacking back?"
"Because he's waiting for the right time." Scott said. Heckran approached Crono from behind.
Mike: And apparently Crono was staring blankly ahead at nothing, so of course he didn't see this.
"Crono my good man.... duck." Crono ducked just in time to avoid a slash from Heckran's claws. Robo charged up and fired a gigantic lazer at the beast. Heckran exploded.
Crow: Oooh. That's gonna leave a mark.
The trio ran towards the water hole. Crono jumped in without hesitating. Scott looked at robo.
"Won't we rust or something?" Scott asked the gold robot.
"I will not, but I do not know about you sir Scott." And with that, he jumped in as well. Scott sighed and pressed the button to take off the suit. He looked at the wristwatch. It still had the big red button on it.
Tom: (Bob voice) Glitch, idiot stats!
"Rich... Dev... where are you?" Scott dived into the pool, and was on his way to the west continent.
Crow: You know, I would have tried to find that out before diving into a subterranean river...
Scott met up with the two friends on Lucca's island where her house was, and walked to Truce. Devon was amazed by it's size.
Mike: What the...? Wasn't Devon...?
Tom: Yeah... Who knows.
Crow: Don't you see? Devon and Scott are actually the same guy! It's genius! Positively Xenogearian!
Tom: No... it's poor editing.
Crow: Fine. Rain on my parade. (Suddenly, water pours down from the ceiling, soaking Crow.) What the...?!
Tom: I've been waiting years for you to say that.
On the game, it was a community of hardly thirty. Now it was a city that held at least four thousand. Devon had heard that the game had no need to recreate cities at actual sizes, but this was much bigger than he had ever imagined.
Tom: Oh, four thousand. That's SO huge.
Mike: Well, it is a larger population than the entire state of Nebraska.
They approached Leene Square, where the Mellinal fair was being held.
Tom: Melonal fair? That gives me an idea...
Mike: Lord save us.
The three ran towards the telepod. Devon noticed that it looked like the same as the game's telepod. Crono stuck the gate key into the black floating hole and turned it. A blue gate opened up and sucked the three in.
* * *
The group appeared in Truce canyon. Scott noticed that the area was more of a forest than a canyon. Then he entered the main area. Now it looked like a canyon.
Crow: The master of snap judgements gets burned again.
Scott was looking around the area and didn't notice a Poly approaching him from behind. Crono noticed it and pulled out his sword. He slashed it in half, and the two halves fell opposite ways, blood oozing out of them.
Crow: Jeez... Just for being a polygamist...
Mike: Crow, I don't think that's what he meant...
They encountered imps on the trip to town, but they were no problem. The team reached Truce. There were more people in the town today. Apparently, something had happened. With Crono in the lead, the trio walked around, trying to find someone that knew something about the commotion. Crono entered the Truce Inn to ask the bartender about what was going on.
Mike: Ah yes, the bar. Storehouse of knowledge for generations...
"Why is everyone running to the castle?" Crono asked the Innkeeper.
Tom: Because it's Castle Day! All '99 castle models are on sale for 50% off. Drop by today!
"You haven't heard? The King is injured, and Magus' troops are going across Zenan bridge. I fear that we will all die." He said, shaking.
Mike: (James Bond voice) A martini please. Shaken, not stirred.
Crono, Robo, and Scott left the Inn for the castle. When they got there, a mob was trying to get into the castle. Crono and his friends pushed their way through the crowd and talked to the guards.
"Can we go in?" Crono yelled over the din.
"It's you! Yes, Sir Crono!"
Tom: (Guard voice) Of course, the stranger who showed up once for about a half hour and managed to take credit for Glenn's victory gets preferential treatment over our loyal townspeople!
The guards parted their axes just long enough for the three to slip through. Crono and Robo ran up to the King's room, but Scott stayed and was wondering about something...
(It's flashback time!!!)
Scott, Rich, and Devon was resting
Crow: Sure, "resting."
Tom: Hee, hee!
at Devon's house when it started to rain. The power went out. "DAMN!!!" Devon yelled.
Crow: (Devon voice) The hydroelectric DAM must have broken down!
"What's wrong? Is everything all right?" Devon's Mom ran into the room.
"NO, IT ISN'T!!!!!! My last save was at "The trial" and I was at Zeal when the power went out!!!"
Mike: The doofus played through ten hours of game without saving once? He deserves it.
Devon yelled. Scott and Rich rolled their eyes.
Tom: That's GOTTA hurt.
Mike: I think he meant while still in their eye sockets.
Tom: I see. That actually makes more sense...
Suddenly, a bolt his the house! All of the energy was channeled to the super nes, and the CT game started pulsating....
(It's over now...)
Crow: What the hell?
Mike: I get the feeling that we're going to be asking that a lot...
"Who ya gonna believe, Dev? Who ya gonna believe..." Scott thought. Crono's voice snapped him out of it.
Tom: The hell is he talking about?
Crow: (Ronald McDonald voice, singing) Do you believe in magic? And I hope you do! You'll always have a friend wearing big, red shoes!
Mike: Crow... Don't ever do that again.
Crow: I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.
"The King told us to go to the kitchen and get food for the knights at Zenan bridge." They ran downstairs to the kitchen. "The knights need more food at Zenan bridge!" Crono told him. The chef stopped running around. "My brother? He's..."
Mike: (Chef voice) Allow me to spout off game text that has little to do with what Crono just said!
"He's your bro?" Scott looked amazed.
"That's what you get for thinking that you're the only ones fighting for your country!" The cook said.
Mike: (Chef voice) Also allow me to ignore Scott's completely accurate guess!
"Hey! Stop bickering! Grow up!" a maid said.
"... Pipe down! What do you know?" Crono, knowing that he wouldn't get any help, ran out to Zenan bridge. Before he could even reach the castle exit, the Chef caught up with them.
Crow: Kind of negating the "ran out to Zenan Bridge" portion...
"Here. Take this with you." He gave Crono a box of jerky. "...." The chef turned around and walked back a few meters. "And tell that fool... He had better come back alive!"
"OK. Jerky. Beef jerky. What were the Nintendo programmers thinking?" Scott quoted from his favorite Chrono trigger page.
Crow: I'd be a bit more concerned about how one box of jerky is supposed to feed a whole legion of knights.
"What?" Crono asked.
"Nothing." Scott said. The group ran towards Zenan bridge. After about thirty minutes, they were there. Many knights were lying over dead.
Tom: As opposed to standing up dead.
Scott noticed the knight captain and walked over with a box of jerky. "Here." Crono said as Scott handed over the food.
Mike: (Captain voice) Where's the beef?
All: (Knight voices) Ha, ha, ha!
Mike: (Captain voice) Show me the money!
"Sir Crono!" the Knight Captain said. "Is this for us?" Crono nodded. "Food rations! The cook...he has saved us all!" Many soldiers came to them and grabbed a bit. The Knight Captain looked away. "Sir Crono, if I do not make it back...give my brother my thanks..."
Mike: (Captain voice) He produced enough jerky so that we each got nearly a gram! Bravo!
Crono nodded. "I will." Then, strange sounds were heard from across the bridge. Swords clashing together and screams of pain rang throughout the countryside. A knight from the bridge came to them.
"Magus's troops have launched an attack! They're breaking through our defenses!"
"Stop sniveling! It shames the Knights of the Square Table!" The Knight Captain said. "We shall DESTROY Magus's troops and bring honor to our king!"
The knight looked back on the bridge.
Tom: (Knight voice) That's gonna be kind of hard to do with this sword impaling me...
"But we're far outnumbered!"
"This is our last line of defense! We must let no one through!"
Crow: (Crono voice) We'll go help!
Mike: (Captain voice) No! We must let no one through!
"Understood!" the knight said and ran back to the bridge. The Knight Captain looked at Crono.
"Our troops are suffering greatly. Sir Crono, will you
Tom: (Captain voice) Put this jerky down your pants?
Crow: (Crono voice) Why?
Tom: (Captain voice) Well, me and the men have a little bet going...
Crow: (Suspicious Crono voice) Does this involve a hamster?
Tom: (Captain voice) Well, yeah...
Crono nodded. "We will."
Crow: (Crono voice) We will help you... polish off that jerky. ...And we'll take the hamster. As for the battle, you're on your own.
"We are eternally in your debt! You will find Magus's troops across the bridge!"
Tom: (Knight voice) Sir?
Mike: (Captain voice) What is it?
Tom: (Knight voice) Actually, we spent so much time talking, they're at the castle now.
Crono ran across, sword drawn. Robo and Scott were close behind them.
"Goodday!" A big green blimp floated in the air. "I'm Ozzie,
Magus's top general! Those who defy Magus have to answer me!
Yes, my children... Give'em a taste of doom!" Some skeletons jumped forward, just to be scattered by a lightning bolt.
Tom: Mmm... Doom tastes like chicken.
"Good shot, Crono!" Scott complimented.
"Those whimps are stronger than I thought..." Ozzie said as he floated away. Crono ran after him. He summoned more skeletons from dead soldiers, but they were smashed too. Finally, Ozzie was at the end of the bridge. "That's IT!!! Now you're finished!!!" Ozzie raised his hands. Four skeletons were running down the bridge to his aid.
"You cannot win! You had best surrender!!!" Robo said. Suddenly, the four skeletons tripped into each other and combined into a big skeleton.
Mike: Augh! Your elbow's in my pelvis!
Crow: Your pelvis is in my elbow!
"Go Zombor!" Ozzie said "Crush Sir Magus's enemies!" Then Zombor screamed. Crono flung a bolt at it, but it didn't do any damage. Scott used flame thrower and it healed the head, but injured the body. The three used a flare tackle. Scott fired a flame thrower on Crono's sword.
Crow: (Crono voice) Eeeeyow!!!
Tom: The sword melted, and Zombor ate him. The end.
Crono jumped and stabbed the legs with the sword, and Robo tackled them. After a few seconds, the smoke was gone. So was Zombor's legs. The Skeleton screamed in pain as Scott turned on the reflect shield. It blew fire, roasting Crono and Robo, but the shield reflected it, keeping it away from Scott. Scott shot multiple Shotgun ice blasters at it, blowing it apart.
Tom: Hey! X killed Chill Penguin, not Zero! How'd HE get the Shotgun Ice?
Mike: It's not really Zero anyway, Servo.
Ozzie had left a long time ago. Crono, robo and Scott were on the southern continent at the end of Zenan bridge. Crono was seriously wounded, and Robo was ready to fall apart. Scott didn't have nearly as much injuries as them but he was still hurt a bit. Also his reflect shield had run out of power.
"You two stay here! I'll get the sword."
Mike: What sword?
Crow: Your guess is as good as mine.
Scott said as he turned on his air boots. Before Crono had a chance to say no, Scott was already flying to the top of the mountain.
Mike: What mountain?
He reached the cave at the top,
Mike: What cave?!
Mike: I know, I know. Settle down.
and blew apart the freelancer that was shooting rocks at him. He entered the cave.
Crow: So much cave and sword imagery...
"I'm the wind!!! Woosh!"
Crow: (Scott voice) Whoah! What'd you eat for lunch?!
A kid told him. Scott ignored him and went for the broken sword. "Hold it! Are you here for the Masamune?" The kid asked.
"Yes, I am. So?" Scott asked impatiently.
"(Sigh) Masa!!! Where are you, big brother?" Mune's echo rang out through the cave.
"What do you want, Mune?" He asked. Then he saw Scott. "So, you want to get a name for yourself by grabbing the Masamune? Silly humans! It doesn't matter who gets the sword, it matters how they use it! You can't understand something as simple as that! That's why you're human."
Mike: Are you kidding? This guy can't understand his multiplication tables.
"What should we do with him?" Mune asked.
All: KILL HIM!!
"The usual. He can entertain us for awile."
Crow: (Jumps to his feet, shaking his fist in the air) Forrester!!! I'll get you for this!!
Masa said. Then they changed into two... things.
Scott really couldn't describe them. He shot one with an acid bomb, but missed. They used an X - strike attack on him. His physical barrier was used up, so he got the blow.
Mike: Servo... You have any songs that'll get us through this?
Tom: Well sure! Da da da-dup da da... Eat it story! You lousy scumsucking piece of-!
Mike: (Clamps a hand over his mouth) Augh!
"I've gotta refill those shields."
Crow: Deep Hurting is back... with a vengeance.
Mike: Guys, there's only one way we can survive this... Close your eyes, and think of Deus ex Jenova Chapter 5...
All: Mmm... Sofa bed scene...
Scott said. Mune charged him. Scott stuck out his fist to connect with face at just the right time.
"Only Cyrus made it this far." Masa said to Mune right before he was punched. Suddenly Mune flew to the cavern wall. "ENOUGH!!! With Masa's bravery..."
"And Mune's knowledge..."
"TWO BECOME ONE!!!!!!!" They yelled together. And they did become one. A BIG one.
All: Sofa bed scene... Sofa bed scene... Sofa bed scene...
"Damn." Scott gulped. Masamune immediately started to store energy, while Scott switched to Hyper crush. Masamune blew around a tornado at Scott, sending him to the ceiling of the cave and back. "Ouch." Scott shot a wave of energy at him, which froze him temporarily. Scott shot many of them until he was out. Then he shot all of his lazer beams until they were out. The same with Shotgun ice. Same with flame-thrower, acid bomb, triad thunder, tornado fang, and earth wave.
Tom: Unless those are all from the extremely hard to find Mega Man X3, he's making this up.
Crow: No one cares!
Mike: (Sniffling) I care...
None of the attacks seemed to hurt him, only paralyze him. Scott pulled out his lightsabre and swung it widely at his opponent, but only missing. finally, he hit him, cutting off his hand. Masamune screamed in pain, then turned back into the two things that he saw before.
"They beat us, big brother..." Mune said.
"That was fun!" Masa replied.
"Will they fix us?
Mike: Are you kidding? After that last passage, we're taking every male in the cast to the vet to be neutered!
Will they find us an owner?" Mune said worried.
"Yeah." Masa replied. "It will be all right." Scott walked over and took the broken sword. Masa and Mune brought Scott to the base of the mountain. The three went to Tata's house to see "The Hero!"
Tom: I see Scott's precognition came in handy again.
"I'm sorry everyone." Tata admitted. "Some frog guy dropped this in a cafe." He handed over a medal. "I thought I'd sell it, but then everyone started calling me a "Hero". I couldn't bear to get rid of it! I just can't fake it any longer. Please take it!"
"Scoundrel! I knew this was all a scam!" Tata's father said.
Crow: Tata's father is Nappa?
"Listed to YOU!" Tata said. "Who was going around telling everyone you've raised a hero, huh?" Crono and his friends left before the argument got worse. They took the Medal and the Sword to Frog's cave in the Haunted woods. They got there and went down the latter. Crono picked up the hero medal and put it on a table. Frog turned around.
Tom: He didn't hear three big oafs climb down his ladder, but one dinky medal hits the table and he's all ears.
"Th, the hero medal! Aye... Then thou hast seen the lad. Yet there's a nary thing I canst do against Magus. The legendary Masamune is required to fight Magus. And I've no right to wield it. Please leave now..." Crono couldn't find any words. Scott opened a box and pulled out a broken hilt...The Masamune!!!
"There is something in archaic letters." Robo pointed out. "I will translate." He beeped a few times. "Roichlem. Roichlem? System error! I got it backwards! It's Melchior!!!"
"That old guy?" Scott asked. "Let's go see him!"
Crow: (Crono voice) But... he smells like feet!
Mike: Don't bother to show Frog the Masamune, or anything...
* * *
Magus' castle 600 a.d. (All of the prehistoric adventures are in part 4!)
All: How conveeeeeenient.
Crono, Robo, Frog and Scott stared at the darkened castle where the evil sorcerer dwelled. " And possibly Devon!" Crono thought.
Tom: Let's not!
Scott yelled as he ran in. The others soon followed him.
HAHAHAHAHA..... A laugh could be heard all around, but Crono saw nothing. They even explored the side passages,
Mike: (Magus voice) Whoah! They're exploring the side passages! We're dealing with some heavy hitters here!
but found nothing. Then suddenly a bunch of henches and a flying green blob appeared.
"HEY!!! It's fat boy!!!" Scott yelled out.
Crow: The great wit strikes again!
"Ozzie..." Frog murmured. This was another time to block out unnecessary speech, so Scott plugged his ears.
As Ozzie was blabbing, Crono said "see, Ozzie? This is how boring you are." And he pointed to Scott. Ozzie was steamed,
Mike: (Leonard Maltin voice) Now, when preparing steamed Ozzie, you'll want to use a dash of gravity...
and he left as the team sliced, chopped, strangled, and killed the henches. They decided to explore the side rooms again to see if anything changed. The left room held skeletons poking each other with spears. The team quickly smashed the bones when they tried to charge them with the pointy weapons.
Mike: Hey, your spear is in my rib cage!
Crow: Your rib cage is in my spear!
"Hmmm....How did you get past my...cadaver pals?" A voice asked.
Crow: Well see, they were dead, so... it wasn't much of a problem.
"Come out, sir Slush!" Frog called.
"That's SLASH, you slimy dolt! Still playing the comedian, eh Glenn?"
Mike: (Frog voice) Hey, I'm the warm up for Jerry Seinfeld next week!
Slash asked. "You'd be singing a different tune if Cyrus hadn't been with you last time!" He paused for a moment."You'd have fit in with those boney fellows you just busted up!"
"You know, you look like a octopus without the tentacles." Scott said to Slash.
"Yea, isn't it handsome?"
"That was an insult."
"HEY!!!!!" Crono and Frog used X-strike, while Robo and Scott used X-tackle. Slash had enough and grabbed his sword.
"Now let's get down to business!" Slash said. "This is going to do me a world of good! With no Cyrus to protect you, you're mine!!!" Slash tried to scare them,
Tom: (Slash voice) Booga booga booga!!
but they stayed, unimpressed. "You dare to oppose me???" He yelled.
Scott held up his handcannon. "Sure." Scott shot multiple acid bombs, blowing Slash apart.
Mike: And our honorable hero bravely blows apart his opponent, who was armed with a sheathed sword...
"This suit is cool!" The group left that hall, and went for the right one. Lucca was standing in the way.
"Robo, save your strength!" She said."No matter what you do, I'll bust you!" Lucca transformed into a monster. Crono jumped forward and stabbed his red katana in the beast. It fell over, dead. They continued until they met Queen Leene.
Tom: (Frog voice) Well hi, your majesty! I'm sure that YOU aren't an evil monster in disguise!
"Frog, you're safe!" She sounded amazed. "We better do something about that!" Leene turned into a floating blue monster. Frog summoned his water magic, and created a big bubble. Robo was caught inside it, and when it was over the monster, it popped, releasing the three hundred tons of steel on the beast.
Crow: So, Robo weighs 600,000 pounds. Ooookay.
Mike: Why didn't they just use him as a wrecking ball, and level the castle?
Robo got up, and looked at the flat, bloody mess. Then a brush popped out of his arm, and he dusted himself off.
"It is all in a days work." Robo said.
Mike: Uh... You guys don't have blood brushes, do you?
Tom: Oh Mike, don't be silly.
Crow: Yeah, we have all purpose killing buffers.
They continued to a throne room, with a Juggler on the throne. Crono quickly slashed it,
Tom: Ouch! Only a mime deserves that kind of treatment!
and shot the carcass into a corner.
Mike: He shot the carcass off of his sword?
"That cant be Flea!!! She's a powerful magician!!!" Scott yelled.
Mike: (Flea voice) And since when are powerful magicians not allowed to use the can?
"HEY!!!! I'm a guy!!!" a voice said. A bat turned into a darkened figure in the corner . It was Flea.
"You're a girl!" Scott yelled.
Tom: (Flea voice) Yes, I'm sure the guy who just showed up knows my own sex better than I do.
"Guy!" Flea countered.
Mike: The sad thing is, Flea stopped talking five lines ago...
"Excuse me," Crono said. "But aren't we supposed to fight?"
"Oops." Scott and Flea said in unison. "Male, female, what's the difference?
Mike: Uh... Where should I start?
Power is beautiful, and I've got the power! Poor little Froggy... You must be lonely now that Cyrus is gone... And to be turned into something so hideous! Dreadful! But since you've brought new friends over to play..." She waved with her hands, and the room changed. It looked like they were out in outer space."...I'll show you all a good time!"
All: Whoo hoo!!
Tom: Take it off, sugar!
Crow: You know you want me baby!!
Mike: Whoah! She's displaying like a mandrill...
"Star trek...Deep space nine!!!" Scott yelled.
Mike: Great. He's a Trekkie too.
Tom: (Spock voice) Fascinating.
Crono and Frog used a X-strike attack. Scott, noticing that all of his weapons were out of ammo, he pulled out his lightsabre, to add a third line in the attack. Then Robo tackled Flea with jets on maximum. She (he) fell over, but got up quickly. Flea grabbed Scott in an iron grip and swung him around. They flew up in the air, and then she dropped Scott.
"No one is strong enough to resist waltz of the wind!" Scott started to slash wildly at his friends. He punched Robo, sending him across the "room".
Tom: "Then" "he" "started" "making" "little" "quote" "gestures."
"Ugh." Scott said, watching himself beat up his friends. Scott looked back to his old life on earth. He saw his science teacher spazzing out on him for saying "Ugh." too many times. Scott laughed at the thought if he waltzed right in here and gave me detention in the middle of the battle. "Ha ha ha!" Scott started to laugh. Unknowing to him, this expression of joy loosened the magical grip that Flea held on his body.
Tom: Sure, "magical grip."
Crow: Hee hee!
Mike: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm glad to finally see some heterosexual action going on.
Tom: IF Flea is a woman.
Mike: Oh, crap.
Scott turned around to slash Flea, but bearly nudged her shoulder with the tip of the blade. Flea put her hand to the wound and looked at it. It was covered in blood. Scott could swear that flea had smoke rising from her head.
She started to build up a powerful spell, but received a triple raid
Crow: A triple PANTY raid!
from the rest of the group. Flea fell down, lying in a bloody heap.
"Sir Magus...!" Flea disappeared. They ran to the main hall to discover a third door. They entered it and ran down the corridor. There were henches, imps and gargoyles, but were quickly finished off by the Masamune and it's wielder. At the end Ozzie was standing there.
Tom: Thank goodness they avoided more potentially cool fights.
Mike: Given this story's track record, I don't think any of these fights had the potential to be cool.
"I'm growing tired of this!" He said. "Flea!" Ozzie shouted. "Slash!"
"Sorry Ozzie, but they can't help you now..." Frog said, holding the Masamune. Ozzie grinned.
Crow: (Ozzie voice) Yay! My best friends are dead!
"You fly eating, tongue flicking...!" Then Ozzie saw the Legendary sword. "Oz...Ozzie's in a... a jam!"
Mike: I'd say it's more of a jelly...
"Aren't we all, sometimes?"
Mike: Chicken soup for the soul... of an idiot.
Scott said and laughed. The trio walked down many enemy filled corridors, and Ozzie always ran away at the end.
Crow: How conveeeeeenient!
Mike: Okay, I think that's about enough of that.
Crow: (Church Chat Lady voice) Well isn't that special? (Mike slaps him) Okay, okay! I'll stop.
Finally they got to the throne room.
Mike: Where Ozzie was bowing to the porcelain god.
Tom: (Ozzie voice) Man, what the hell did I do last night?
"Thy time hath cometh, Sir Ozzie." Frog said. Ozzie looked suprised at them.
"You got past my guards? I'm sure Sir Magus has already called for reinforcements...! Wait until Lavos arrives!!"
"Ha!" Scott laughed." Lavos?!? I bet I could kick Lavos' sorry ass even without this Falcon suit!!!" He sounded very confident.
Crow: Does Lavos even have an ass?
Tom: Good question.
"How can you hope to defeat Lavos if you can't beat me? No form of attack will break MY barrier!" Suddenly he was covered with a blue barrier. It almost looked like an ice block.
"You sure?" Crono said and attacked it with a lightning. The barrier reflected it and it hit Frog.
Tom: Yes, everyone knows water repels electricity.
"Pretty sure! Hahahaha!" Ozzie laughed. Scott noticed chains hanging around. he tugged on one of them.
Crow: Do we want to know what those chains are for?
Crow: I didn't think so...
A hole appeared to the left of him. "What're you aiming at?" Ozzie laughed. Scott yanked another chain.
Mike: (Ozzie voice) Quit yanking my chain!
Tom: (Scott voice) Sorry.
"Mwee, hee, hee..." Ozzie laughed until he realized that it was the trapdoor under him that was activated.
Mike: Ah, the magic of cartoon physics.
"Eh...?" Ozzie fell in the hole, but no crashing sound was heard.
"He...survived?" Crono stared in the hole with wonder. Then a loud BAM was heard.
Crow: (Bam-Bam voice) Bam, Bam!!
"Apparently not." Scott guessed. Robo pushed the throne aside to reveal a door.
"Magus awaits." Frog said blandly. he opened the door. They all came into a dark room.
Tom: What if there was someone in there?!
"Neuga, ziena, zieber, zom..."
Mike: (Magus voice) Monosodium glutamate, guar gum...
Tom: (Beavis voice) Gwar!!
someone said. As they walked into the room, blue fire were light up on each side, stopping them temporarily. "Now the chosen time has come..." The trio continued forward. "Exchange this world for..!"
Mike: 50% off a new world of your choice at the World Exchange! Stop by today!
As the voice spoke, new flames appeared in a circle. More light came into the room, and inside the circle was a man in a dark blue cape standing with his hands raised against a statue. His back was turned against them.
"Magus!!!" Frog shouted.
The man dropped his hands. "I...it's that stupid frog! Kissed any princesses lately?"
Crow: (Frog voice) Seven. And I got the clap...
"I rather enjoy this form. And I oweth it all to you!" Frog replied. "I have something for you!" Magus didn't turn around. He knew what it was.
"Ahh... The Masamune...
I bet you're just dying to use it..." Magus looked up. "The Black Wind begins to
blow.....OK...Give me your best shot!" Magus whipped off his cape and jumped onto the head of the statue. "...If you're prepared for the void!" Frog wasted no time. He immediately slashed the mage. Crono shot a bolt at him, but it healed him. Magus then casted a second level fire spell. Scott, remembering the game, whipped out his flame thrower. He shot fire at him, and it didn't heal him.
Mike: This one may be a bit out of our league...
Tom: C'mon guys, we can't give up yet!
After the smoke cleared, Magus just stood there. "Is that all you've got?"
Mike: (Scott voice) Well, I've got three bucks, my bus pass... some Pokemon cards...
Tom: That's the spirit!
Magus blew Robo, Scott, and Crono
Crow: Aw, Jeez...
away with a dark mist, but the power of the Masamune protected Frog from the blast. Magus immediately pulled out his scythe and locked it with Frog's blade. Farther away, Scott powered up for an acid bomb, but Crono stopped him.
"This is Frog's quest, not ours. Let it be Frog's honor to vanquish Magus." Crono advised.
Tom: (Robo voice) Yeah, there's no "team" in "I."
"Big words for such a little brain." Scott commented sarcastically.
Crow: Oh, brilliant move Einstein. Insult a Saiyan.
Tom: (Scott voice) Wanna go throw rocks at bears after this?
"What!!!" Crono yelled. While those two bickered, Robo watched the fight at hand. Frog swung his sword, but it always met Magus' scythe.
Mike: (Cute, high pitched voice) Hi, I'm Scythe! Nice to meet you!
Tom: (Masamune voice) Pleasure to make your acquaintence.
Frog just about had enough. He swung madly, and Magus dodged easily. Magus finally landed a hit, when he slashed Frog across the chest. Frog kneeled down, holding his wound. Magus was about to stab Frog in the back. "Ok, Scott, you can help him now."
Mike: (Scott voice) Are you sure? Maybe we should let him get killed first, and then help.
Crono said. Scott dashed up and pushed Frog out of the way. He held his handcannon at Magus.
"Amazing!" Magus thought. "This kid has some power that is as strong as that boy "Devon" I found! Incredible!!!" Magus forgot to block a shot of acid bomb and fell to his knees.
Crow: (Vegeta voice) That does it! That's it! This planet is histoooory!!!
Tom: (Crono voice) That's not fair!!!
A gigantic portal opened up just as Scott took off his helmet to wipe his forehead.
"SCOTT!!!!" Devon ran out from behind a pillar to see his friend.
Mike: Wait a second? Didn't they already do this scene last chapter?
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!" Magus yelled as the portal grew.
Crow: Sure. "Portal."
Mike: Heh, heh.
"DAMMIT!!!!" Devon yelled out as he swirled around. Then the gate closed.
(Author's note: Sorry, I goofed. The author's note in part 1 was supposed to go here! So I would like people to email me about where to go from here.)
All: Go to Hell!!
(Crow walks out of the theater. Mike stands up, then picks up Tom, and also walks out of the theater. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)
(The bridge is covered with red and green streamers. Crow is wearing half of a watermelon on his head. Tom is wearing a watermelon around his body. Mike walks in.)
Mike: Huh. Well, this is a new one on-
Tom: (Announcer voice) Welcome, one and all, to the 47th annual Melonal Fair!!
Mike: Yeah, I get it. It's the "millenal fair" from the story.
Tom: Well now, don't be so quick to dismiss us, sir! Take a look at the "Tent of Melonal Horrors!" (Tom holds up a miniature purple tent. Mike looks inside.)
Mike: It's a plate of diced cantaloupe. Cute, but guys-
Tom: Or how about over here? (Points to an absolutely huge watermelon.) This is the melon of wisdom! He knows the answers to all the mysteries of the ages, such as, "Does Lavos have an ass?"
Mike: Well, that's nice. But I think that this joke was a little weak to throw a whole event over.
Crow: Wait a second Mike! You've only seen Servo's Melonal Fair! You've still gotta check out mine!
Mike: You each threw a separate Melonal Fair? How many melons did you buy anyway?
Crow: Mike, there are other types of melons besides fruit, you know.
Mike: There are?
Mike: But... Ooooooh. (Suddenly, every light on the bridge begins flashing. The floor starts to vibrate.) Darn. Well, we can check out your Melonal Fair next time Crow.
Crow: Sorry, my Melonal Fair is in town for a limited time only.
Crow: No butts Mike, just melons. You missed your chance man. (The robots go into the theater.)
Mike: (Shaking his fist at the air.) Damn you Forrester!!
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