Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #101
(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike and Crow walk into the theater. Mike sets Tom in his seat, then he and Crow sit down, looking up at the screen.)
The Sword of Zeal Part 4
Isn't this the Jurassic Period?
By The Spy
65 million B.C. Give or take a few years...
Crow: It's not the Middle Ages! Huzzah!!
"Owwww...." Rich felt his head. There was a gigantic bump on it.
Tom: That's generally known as a nose.
He got up and looked at his surroundings. It looked a lot like a jungle. Then suddenly, a greenish thing walked up to him. "Hmmm...." Rich looked at the life form and didn't recognize it as any animal he had seen before. Then the thing kicked him, knocking him down. "Ohh wise guy eh?" Rich said, looking at the thing's bald head.
Mike: Green? Bald? He's fighting a ninja turtle!
He jumped up and punched it right in the nose.
Tom: (Rich voice) Well, I don't understand it, so I might as well kill it.
The thing just standed there, not even noticing the punch. Then Rich heard a loud roar. Another five of those things ran past them, with terrified looks on their faces. A woman in skins (Not very many, mind you)
Mike: Well, maybe this story isn't so bad after all!
Tom: (Laughing) Ah, those heteros. What're you gonna do?
was running on all fours, and seemed to be going faster than Devon did when the mob of bullies were after him.
Mike: So, all the time, pretty much.
Tom: (Devon voice) Then they'd pants me, and drag me around the track...
After a few cries of pain, the woman walked over to the thing and nailed it in the back of the head with a high kick. It crumpled to the ground, unconscious.
"Who you?" She asked. Another pack of those things ran towards her, and she ran towards them, ready and willing
All: Oh yeah!!
to beat them up.
Rich then heard a muffled voice.
"Watch out!!!" Rich strained his ears. "Watch out!!!!" It said. Rich looked up. Then he sidestepped. A kid with spiky hair, a golden robot, and a girl with goofy glasses fell on the spot he was standing.
Mike: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
"Thanks..." The spike headed one said, groaning.
Crow: Well, since Robo apparently weighed 600,000 pounds, that should have made a crater three miles wide.
"Half human, half dinosaur...
Tom: I don't even wanna THINK about the pairing that led to that...
An unlikely life form." Robo said, getting up.
Lucca looked at them. "They're all green and scaly!" They then started to shower rocks on the three newcomers. Crono immediently slashed one with his katana. Lucca shot a fire tail
Mike: (Crono voice) Hey, that's MY tail!
at another, and Robo hit a bunch of them with lazers. Rich knew that he couldn't do much, so he tried to tackle one of them.
Tom: My arms don't work, so I think I'll take up weight lifting.
Crow: I can't read, so I think I'll become a librarian.
Mike: I haven't made love to a woman in six years, so I think I'll become a porn star.
It fell over, and looked at him with a death stare. Suddenly, it rolled it's eyes to the back of its head, and fell over with a bullet shell in it's back. Lucca blowed on the end of her gun, to get the smoke away.
Mike: And our brave heroes shoot the enemy while their backs are turned...
The cave girl ran over and stared at Crono.
"What the...!" Lucca said.
"Do not upset her. She's rather agitated right now." Robo added. The woman jumped forward and pushed Crono to the cliff wall.
Crow: (Robo voice) Looks like she wants in your pants man. Go for it!
"Crono!" Lucca shouted.
"You strong. What name?" the cave woman asked.
"Crono." Crono said.
"Crono, huh? Good name. Me Ayla. Ayla like strong people. So Ayla like Crono!"
Lucca smiled. "I think she likes you Crono!"
All: (Shocked) You think?!
Ayla looked on Lucca. "You strong too. Ayla respect strong people. Men and women."
Lucca looked away. "Where have they been keeping her?"
She then looked at rich. "You not strong at all."
Tom: (Rich voice) Well, unlike a certain Saiyan around here, I get weaker every time I get beat up...
"It's because I build up my brain, not my body." Rich said.
All: Ha ha ha!! Hee hee! Hooooo boy. Heh heh.
"You need training. What if you train with Ayla later?" She asked.
Crow: (Crono voice) Hey, screw Rich! I was getting my Mac on!
Tom: (Rich voice) Hey!
Crow: (Crono voice) I mean... Sup sup Rich?
"Okay." Then Ayla looked strangely at Robo. Then she walked around him, to see from a different direction.
"Y, yes?" Robo asked. Finally, Ayla backed off.
"You different, but strong too."
"It's because I'm a robot."
"Rawboot? What that? Ayla don't know."
"It's a machine that looks like a man!"
Tom: So Robo is a giant dil-
"What you say? No rubbish or Ayla, head go boom! Crono, where from?"
Mike: The sad thing is, that's the game text.
Crow: Ah, those wacky Japanese... What're you gonna do?
"It is beyond her grasp."
"We're from way after the day after tomorrow." Lucca said
Ayla laughed. "Ha, ha, you funny. Ayla like funny people."
"It's no use..." Lucca sighed.
"Come to village! Me chief! We talk and eat. Dance! Eat! Fun!!"
"We'd love to go, but we've got to look for a Dreamstone now." Crono said.
"Stone? Plenty stones! Here, there, at the village. You take plenty. Crono come,
Mike: Oh, did we really need to hear that?
Crow: At least there's a woman involved this time.
Ioka village this way." She pointed down the trail of the mountain. The four walked down it.
"So, where am I?" Rich asked, not even knowing that he was in a CT game.
Mike: Why the hell did the Entity pick these guys?
Crow: I get the feeling that the Entity is a Homer Simpson type planet guardian...
"65 million B. C." Crono said.
"Incredible!!! Time travel to... Isn't this the Jurassic period?"
Mike: Actually, it's the Creteceous, but as long as we've got cave babes around, I'm not complaining.
Hmmm.... further study required." Rich said. He was definitely a person who pulls practical jokes, but he was always quite smart, too. He used his incredible "power of the mind" (As his science teacher said) to plan out the most complicated plans and tricks. They approached a Kiwala. It went over and kicked Rich. Rich didn't like this, and was going to lift it up and shoot it.
Mike: Um... if he had a gun, why didn't he use it before?
Crow: I guess the story gods deemed that it was not to be...
He grabbed the Kiwala's hands and lifted...and lifted...and lifted... He couldn't seem to lift it up.
All: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!
Crow: When... When will the hurting stop...?
"You really are weak."
Tom: (Rich voice) Please, I prefer "strongly impaired."
Crono said as he shashed it. They continued towards the group of primitive huts.
"Hmmm..... They actually have enogh intelligence to build a town... Further study required." Rich commented. Crono rolled his eyes. They entered the largest hut, obviously the chief's hut.
"Night soon and ready for party." Ayla greeted them as they entered the hut. "Come Crono. Soon party."
Crow: (Crono voice) Nuts. Gaspar's got my crack pipe...
A few hours later, the whole tribe was gathered around a campfire at the meeting site. Ayla was sitting on the centre
Crow: Uh oh. Looks like The Spy is British.
Mike: That explains a lot.
chair, and Crono was on her left. Lucca, Rich and Robo was on her right. "Listen all! New friends here! Strong man. Crono! Friends of Crono, Robo, Lucca. Also strong. Rich also...uh...strong?"
Tom: (Rich voice) Well, my odor is!
Crow: Whoah! I think I just had a seizure.
"Now we dance!" The people around the fire started to dance strange dances.
Crow: Uh, they're not dancing, they're-
Then Crono went over to Robo.
"This is no time to celebrate!" Robo said. He tried Rich.
"I wish I was back...."
Tom: (Singing) Back, in the U.S.S.R!
Rich talked to himself.
"What are you talking about?" Crono asked him.
"It's a long story." Rich sighed. Crono still wanted to know.
"Tell me it.
Mike: (Jar Jar Binks voice) I spake gude ee-
I would like to hear it." Crono asked.
"I had two friends back at home. I went over to one of their houses for a sleepover.
Mike: We do NOT need to be reminded of that...
Something happened to a game cartridge that he owned, and it sent us here. I don't know where they are or who else came here. But I do remember seeing David and Chris coming in the side door yelling "YOU IDIOTS!!!"
Crow: The hell?
Tom: You can't ADD new events into flashbacks!
right before we disappeared. That leads to a puzzle that one of my friends is trying to solve.
Crow: (Devon voice) I've been trying to solve this Rubix Cube since 1984!
I think it's called "Who ya gonna belive?"" Rich explained.
Mike: Is anyone else as confused as I am?
Crow: This looks like one of those passages written so only the author and Paul Nathans could understand it...
Tom: No you don't.
Crono thought, still trying to obsorb what he just told him. "What are your friends names, and who is David and Chris?" Crono asked.
"David and Chris are traitors,
Tom: (Rich voice) They seceded from our magical nation of Geekica!
and my friends are..."
Mike: (Rich voice) Complete and utter doofuses.
Rich was about to say, but Ayla asked him something.
"Crono you try? Special Jurassic pork soup! Good stuff!" Crono didn't answer. Then Ayla looked down. "Ayla fight reptites. Their leader Azala, very smart.
Tom: (Ayla voice) He add AND subtract!
All in Ioka village fight. No fight, go to Laruba village. Don't know where village is. Always hide. Azala want to destroy Ioka AND Laruba. But Ayla no lose. Only when Ayla dead, give up!"
Mike: Not if Ozzie gets his hands on her...
Enough. Meet Crono today. Good day! Eat, party, sing, dance!"
Crono nodded. "Do you know something about a dreamstone? I only know it's red."
Crow: This is just a theory, but it might be a stone.
"This stone?" Ayla said and picked up a shiny stone.
"It has to be that one."
"Ayla no give you. You must beat Ayla first."
Crow: Ah, so she's into S&M...
"I don't wanna fight you!"
Ayla laughed. "We drink soup fast. Fastest win."
Crono nodded. "Okay."
They sat down in front of the fire and drank as much soup as they could. Crono started to slow down, because he was feeling sick, but he saw Ayla gulping down bowls at a time, he decided to speed it up. In the end, Crono won.
Mike: Then he puked his guts out, dousing the bonfire.
"You tough!" Ayla said. "You win. Me give you rock."
Tom: (Crono voice) If that's what they're calling it these days...
Crono took the dreamstone from Ayla.
Crono woke up at the meeting site the next morning. He tried to remember the events from last night. He soup raced with Ayla and won the dreamstone, and then...
Crow: Hmm... the author mysteriously refuses to reveal anything about the events of the previous night.
Mike: I think we all know what that means!
Crow: Crono got some!
Tom: Or he got plastered.
Mike: Or both.
Crono held his stomach.
Tom: (Crono voice) I can't believe I ate the whooole thing!
It was hurting. He probably ate too much soup.
Crow: Combined with the fact that he had to get up and go more than a pregnant woman...
He checked on Lucca and Robo. They were both just asleep behind him. He slowly rose and looked around. No one was up. He woke up Robo.
"G...good morning. That soup seems to affect humans."
Crow: If it only affects humans, then why are you out, golden boy?
Crono nodded. He then woke up Lucca.
"A bit goofy last night eh?" Rich, who got up just now asked her.
"Liar! I was a perfect lady last night! Uhhhh.... why does my tummy hurt?"
Crow: Rich and Lucca now?
Tom: Wow, looks like it was one big free for all last night.
Lucca rubbed her eyes. Then she looked down and saw reptilian footprints everywhere. "Wh... who made these footprints?!" Robo looked at them.
"Possibly the reptites have made these prints." He responded.
"Check your gear." Crono said.
Crow: (Crono voice) Let's see... spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.
"I got everything." Lucca said.
"Me too." Robo said.
Crono opened up his pack. "It's gone!"
"What?" Lucca asked.
"The Gate Key!" She looked at the prints.
Robo blinked. "Whoever left these prints took the Gate Key!
Crow: No sh-!
Mike: (Clamps a hand over his mouth) Oh, honey. No.
We can't use the Gate without it."
"I know. Let's find Ayla." Crono suggested. They walked out from the meeting site and into Ayla's hut. Rich, being forgotten about, just followed a distance away. Ayla was sleeping on a big fur.
Tom: Whoah, that's some major pelt.
"ZZZ-zzz-zzz..." Ayla snored.
"Wake up!" Crono shouted.
Ayla awoke."What? Oh, you Crono. You up already? *Yaaaawn* Too much soup. Sleep like stone. *Burrp*."
"We'd let you sleep but The gate key has been stolen!" Lucca said. Ayla looked around angrily.
"Wh, what? Must be Reptites! Crono come with Ayla! We settle with reptites!" They walked out.
Mike: (Ayla voice) Come on. Grab "settling" club.
"Some reptites live in forest to south. Go there." Ayla took them to the forest maze. Crono, Robo, Lucca and Ayla went south
Mike: Across the Mexican border, to begin their new life as drug cartel overlords.
to the forest there. Rich just followed, unnoticed. It took only half an hour, because it was close. The first thing Crono saw when he entered the forest was a guy he saw in the corner.
"Kino! What you do?! Say NOW!" Ayla shouted. Kino turned around, startled. Then he looked down at his feet.
Crow: (Kino voice) Well... Ayla, rock, hole in ground...
"Ayla... Kino take Crono stuff." Ayla looked suprised at him.
Tom: (Crono voice) I wondered where my doobies went.
"Why take?!" She asked.
"Kino like Ayla best. Ayla like Crono, but Kino not like..." Ayla hit Kino.
"Miss Ayla, please do not promote violence" Robo asked
Tom: This from the guy who's walking around with a Saiyan.
"Kino! You know why I punish?" Kino looked down.
"Ayla no like Kino..." Ayla shook her head.
"No! Ayla like Kino BEST! No more do bad stuff, okay?! That wrong!" Kino nodded.
"Ayla... Sorry. Sorry Crono." Kino said.
Crow: He's one sorry Crono, all right.
"Give back stuff to Crono!" Ayla commanded.
"No have... Reptites take..." Kino said.
Tom: (Kino voice) They... pants me. And drag around track...
"Reptites!! Where they go?" Ayla asked.
"In there!" Kino replied and pointed into the forest maze.
"Ayla go too. Kino go back to village. Kino protect when Ayla not there."
"Okay, Ayla!" Kino nodded and walked towards the exit. Ayla looked down.
"Kino is man... so if Ayla die, Kino chief then."
"Ayla, you are gentle at heart." Robo beeped.
"Chase reptites! Get back Crono stuff!" Ayla roared as she ran into the forest. They hadn't got very far, when the first reptites showed up. With Crono's lightning, Lucca's fire and Robo's lazers, they finished them off, in front of an amazed Ayla.
"You fight good. Crono right. Lucca strong too. And Robo."
Mike: (Ayla voice) We talk arms deal.
"You haven't seen anything yet..." They continued deeper into the forest and discovered a cave. In it there were a few more reptites, but no big deal. Suddenly Robo beeped.
"I sense two creatures in front of us." Crono nodded and sneaked forward. Then he saw a reptite, different from the other holding in the gate key.
Crow: I'd suggest "Gate Key Lax" for this situation.
"Azala." Ayla said. "Reptite leader. Very smart."
"Where's the other one?" Lucca asked, holding her gun in precaution.
"Behind her." Robo said.
"If it is a trap, then we know about it at least." Crono said and walked forward. He could hear Azala say something.
"Could those apes have made something THIS advanced?"
Tom: (Singing) When you're an Ape, you're an Ape all the way...
"Azala!!" Ayla shouted. Azala turned around.
"Ah, the apes have arrived!" Then she looked on Crono, Lucca and Robo. "Hmmm.... You're nothing like Ayla..."
"That's right." Crono replied."Quite different!"
Mike: (Crono voice) I don't have lice, fleas, or herpes!
Crow: (Lucca voice) Crono...
Mike: (Crono voice) Well, I don't have lice or fleas, anyway...
Azala held up the gate key. "Tell me what this is, at once!"
Crono laughed. "What makes you think I'm gonna tell?"
"Well..." Azala answered. "I guess you need some motivation! Come, Nizbel!"
Mike: Aw... man.
Tom: My mind wants to climb out of the gutter, but this story won't let it!
A six meter tall dinosaur-looking creature entered the area. "Show them what you can do!" Azala said and ran away. Nizbel walked forward and stopped the party from chasing Azala.
Crono leaped forward. He swinged his sword,
Mike: (Jar Jar Binks voice) I spake gu-
Crow and Servo: No!!
but it didn't harm the hard skin. Nizbel smashed Crono, and the hit made him fly five meters back. Ayla jumped forward and kicked the beast, but got the same effect.
Finally Lucca tried her fire magic, but that thing seemed almost invulnerable.
"Tough skin! Hard to beat!" Ayla said. Crono got an idea and shocked him with lightning. Three bolts flew around Nizbel, shocking him and freezing him in place. They all attacked, until Nizbel broke free from the electricity. He then roared, unleashing a gigantic wave of energy. Ayla and Lucca were knocked out. Robo's power line was cut, and Crono was slowly slipping into unconscious.
"Damn you." Crono whispered. "Damn you, you cursed dinosaur."
Crow: Hee hee!
Mike: No comment necessary.
He began to stand up, leaning on his sword. Nizbel roared. He unleashed another blast of stored energy, but it missed. Missed? He didn't move, someone pushed him out of the way. Crono looked back to see Rich being blown to pieces by the wave of energy. He ran over to the pile of ashes which was once Rich.
Tom: Wow! Thank you, story!
Crow: We've learned a valuable lesson here. If you can't fight, your life is meaningless.
"Devon is stolen by Magus, Rich is killed, Scott is at the end of time restoring the ammo for his guns... Scott is the only newcomer left..." Crono got up and faced Nizbel, who was roaring loudly. "Do you know who I am? I am Crono, The time traveler! I am Travelling to stop all evil! You, a pitiful dinosaur, cannot stop me! Come and get me!"
Crow: Boy, he did come straight from the set of Dragon Ball Z.
He yelled, his hands stretched out. He started to float. "Lightning, level two!" He said. four waves of electricity beamed from him, circling the room several times. Nizbel kneeled down and roared, breathing heavily.
"What are you talking about?" A voice said. "He's just a stupid dino!" Rich jumped from the ceiling, and said "Rocket sword". He pressed a button on the katana he was holding, and the blade launched out of it, impaling Nizbel.
Mike: Where did he get a katana?
Tom: Does it matter?
Crow: Story, bite my shiny metal butt.
He roared, and fell over, a pool of blood forming around his carcass.
"Rich?" Crono looked amazed."How...What...?"
"I have a big story to tell." Rich sat down, knowing this was going to take awile. "My friends are Devon and Scott. Chris and David were our best friends, but they betrayed us, and convinced most of the townspeople that we were scum. They exiled us out of the town..."
Tom: (Rich voice) You should know, our town declared martial law for twelve year olds...
* * *
Devon, Scott, and Rich were running through the woods, trying to escape Chris, David, and 90% of the town.
All: Go town!! Woo hoo! Yeah!
"Damn damn damn!" Devon yelled, pulling his boot out of sticky mud. The trio ran along, looking back at the citizens of the town. "Uh, Scott?" Devon asked for his attention.
"What?" He replied.
"They've surrounded the forest and lighted it on fire." Devon said nervously.
Tom: (Singing) There's no justice like mooob justice! It's the only justice I knooooow...!
"This might make escape more difficult." Rich said, looking at the fiery cage they were in. Scott was quite strong, but intelligence wasn't exactly his good point. He ran and jumped through the flames.
Crow: (Gilbert Godfrey voice) Oh, ow!! Oooooowww!! Oh, the pain! Augh!
Devon followed, because he didn't know what to do. Rich took off his jacket, filled it up with sand, and dumped it on a section of the fire. after a few dumps,
All: Hee hee!
he was able to walk through. Devon had jumped into a tree,
Tom: (Kramer voice) He's like a ring tailed lemur!
and Scott had his hair on fire. "Incopentant." They ran away for a few months, then coming home. everyone took them for dead when they saw the fake skeletons Devon planted, so no one knew that the three were the presumed late Devon, Scott, and Rich. They all went back to their normal lives until a lightning bolt fried Devon's Chrono Trigger game.
Crow: What... the... hell?
Mike: This is more off the wall than Ranma 1/2.
Tom: And at least Ranma has a lot of babes...
"Damn damn damn!!!" Devon yelled, looking at his glow and the dark game." He then lost it for two years, when at a sleepover Rich found it and it sent them To the Chrono Trigger world. Another possible effect of the lightning bolt was the two fakes in Mexico. There was a place there etched out in a black circle in the ground. It is about two miles from one end to the other. There is no plants, or buildings inside it. When Devon's family got there, his dad was murdered. He walked into the Black circle, although the locals told him it was haunted. In the middle he found two Dad's there.
Tom: (Jaw hanging open) Wha...? Um... what? Zuh?
Crow: We definitely need to talk to Dr. F. about the peyote.
"If you pick the right one, you get your Dad. If you choose wrong terrible misfortune and long hard journeys will befall you." A voice (Probably the entity) said.
"Choose me!" Dad1 said.
"Choose me!" Dad2 said.
Tom: (Ralph Wiggum voice) I choo-choo-choose you!
"Who ya gonna believe?" Dad 1 said.
"You only have one pick!" Dad2 said
* * *
"And Devon picked Dad2. His dad never came back, and six months later he was sent here." Rich wrapped up his story. "Chris and David Barged in to Devon's house right when the warp opened. They might have been sucked in too..." Crono was astounded.
"I know where Scott is!" He finally blurted out. "He's at the end of time! I'll take you to see him!"
Mike: So... his dad died in Mexico of a peyote overdose?
Tom: Well, that's what I'm getting from this...
* * *
"Ahh, a new traveler!" Gaspar addressed Rich. "What is your name, son?" He asked. "My name is Rich, a..." He couldn't finish, as Scott ran up to him and hugged him.
All: Aw, man!
"You're still around!"Scott was amazed. "Thought you were gonna be the first to die off!"
Mike: We thought so too!
Crow: Lousy story, getting our hopes up like that...
"Come here, you two." Gaspar waved him toward the pillars of light, to get away from the group. "There are only supposed to be seven time travelers, but history has changed, and now there are ten. What do you three think you were doing?"
"This is a Chrono Trigger game! We are in it Rich! Haven't you noticed?" Scott asked.
"Uh...no?" He replied sheepishly.
Tom: The Entity is a flipping moron.
"You were sent here for a test to keep the history of this planet in line. Do you know how much you have screwed up?" Gaspar sounded angry. Crono yelled to the trio.
"Scott! We're going to Magus' castle now, come on." Scott left the group.
"I'll stay here!" Rich yelled back.
Mike: (Crono voice) You bet your ass you will!
A few days later.... (Time goes by fast at the end of time...)
"I believe they are at Zeal now, where magic was created." Gaspar thought of Crono, and saw him walking on a greenish floating island with magnificent cities built on it.
All: (Singing) Lucy in the skyyyyy, with diamonds...!
"Yes, they are. I believe it is time for you to go now." Rich nodded and walked up to the pillar of light. It turned red, and froze. "The prophet has sealed the gate already. I think I know of a time machine in 2300 a.d. that might be of some use to you." Rich nodded and headed for the pillar leading to 2300 a.d.
Authors note: I got many good ideas, and I used this one.
Mike: If this was one of the good ideas, I'd hate to see the bad ones...
Tom: Are we almost done?
Crow: I don't think so...
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