Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #101
By Nanaki
The Sword of Zeal Part 5
Sweet Revenge
By The Spy
1998 a.d.
"Hey!!!!" Chris yelled, pointing at the three teens walking down the street. "Doesn't that look like Devon, Scott, and Rich? I thought we killed them!!!"
Tom: (Marilyn Manson voice) Yeah, that was a blast.
Crow: (Chris voice) We set the trees on fire in the general area we thought they were at! There's no way they could have survived!
"Are they back from the dead?" David asked.
"See ya tonight!" Devon said as he left, going to his house to prepare for tonight's sleepover.
Mike: I think the gods of continuity have abandoned us.
"We're gonna follow them and goof whatever they are planning!!!"
Tom: (Goofy voice) A-hyuk!
Chris literally dragged David to the front door of Devon's house, where they waited. David could notice Chris' eyes flickering like fire.
Crow: (Chris voice) Aaaauuugghhhh!!! My eyes! My eyes!
There was a loud crash, and They looked inside to see broken glass on the floor and Devon ringing out his shirt.
Crow: (Chris voice) Hey! They're having a rave and they didn't invite us!
They talked for a wile and then moved into the next room. Scott found a dusty game. They started to play it, and it wouldn't work. He then kicked the TV, smashing the Snes and opening a void.
"What the hell is that?" David's eyes were bigger than dinner plates.
Mike: Oh, he oughtta get that checked out.
Tom: Yeah, poor guy.
Chris ran to the door and yanked it open.
Crow: I thought they were AT the door!
Tom: Crow...
Crow: Oh, right. Abandoned by continuity gods and all that...
He sprinted to the living room, with David close behind. Devon and Scott were already sucked in, and Rich was just about to be inhaled by the warp.
"YOU IDIOTS!!!" Chris said as he was sucked into the void. His hand was practically clamped onto David's, so he was pulled in, too.
Tom: Why do I get the feeling that these villains are to the heroes what Bulk and Skull are to the Power Rangers?
Crow: Tom... It's just sad that you knew their names...
* * *
12,000 a.d.
Tom: Oh, the far future. This should be cool!
Devon opened his eyes. He could only see white. He was also very cold. Devon sat there for about a minute and then sat up, brushing off the snow he was buried under. He got up and tried to find the sun.
Crow: Otherwise known as "the big, bright thing."
Instead he found out that a big floating...triangle was blocking it. As if almost on cue, it slowly moved, revealing the sun's light. Although the snow made it harder to see, the Sun's ray's revealed the triangle. It was a flying island!!!
Mike: Dr. Robotnik should be showing up in about three seconds.
Tom: Mike, he's kind of dead.
Mike: Really?
Tom: Has been for thirty issues.
Mike: Huh.
Below it, there was a floating mountain that was anchored down by a chain. Devon finally realized, despite this amazement, he was freezing!
Crow: (Devon voice) Wow, I always thought it was just an expression, but they actually ARE blue!
He saw a building, and ran toward it, his teeth sending messages in Morse code along the way.
Mike: Tom, you want to translate for us?
Tom: Sure! "Oh... you... never... would... believe... where... those... Keebler... cookies... come... from..."
He opened the door and stepped inside. A big light beam was engulfing the middle, but the place was empty. Devon stepped into the light. There was a bright flash, and he was suddenly in a field, with green, healthy vegetation. Devon walked out of the skyway and looked at what he was standing on. His eyes bulged out of his skull,
Mike: Ow! This whole cast needs to visit the optometrist...
as he noticed he was on the flying island. There was green plants everywhere, and magnificent cities that looked like they were made of gold. People that were walking by, noticed Devon's strange clothes, but still said hi.
Crow: (Richard Simmons voice) Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
"Hello, newcomer! welcome to the land of Zeal." A woman said.
"Uh..hi." Devon replied.
"Come, come, newcomer.
All: Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
See our magnificent city of Enhansa." A man invited him into the large building.
Tom: (Man voice) I'm going to "welcome" your brains out.
"Gee, people sure are friendly around here." Devon said to the man.
(Tom, Mike, and Crow all slap their heads simultaneously)
Tom: He's a few fries short of a Happy Meal, isn't he?
"Only to the enlighted, son, not the earthbound. You seem to have magic, which makes you an enlighted! But you don't seem like an enlighted, or an earthbound. Just like that Prophet that appeared here a few days ago." The man said. Devon looked around the city. he noticed that many people talked in their sleep. He left the city and discovered that there was a second skyway, so he walked in it.
Mike: So... the sleep talking had nothing to do with anything?
Crow: Looks that way.
Devon was warped back to the ground where he hoofed it to the next skyway, freezing all the way. He quickly jumped in the beam of light, and appeared on the main continent. He was still surprised by it's beauty, but not as much as last time.
Mike: He's like an emu! It's a new island every time!
Devon walked into Kagar, and talked to the Nu to see if he could buy a weapon. He said no, because the queen didn't allow him to sell weapons to anyone. Devon walked away and turned a corner. He walked down a hall and entered Schala's room by accident.
Tom: Since when does Schala have a room in Kajar?
Crow: I thought that was Ertai's room...
All: Oh ho!
"Oh! Who might you be?" Schala asked Devon. Devon ignored her until he noticed who was speaking to him.
Mike: A thought process that normally takes 1/100th of a second takes three full minutes with this guy...
"Schala..." Devon said. "I guess this is before the ocean palace is built." Devon said, still looking at the woman.
Crow: (Devon voice) So that's what a woman looks like! Hmm... Kinda curvy. I don't know what the heteros see in 'em...
"Yes, the ocean palace is not finished. Are you a evildoer that has come to destroy the ocean palace?" Schala asked.
"I don't know yet..." Devon wondered. "Who is this... prophet?" Devon asked, wondering if anyone knew he was Magus.
"No, but his aura is familiar. Do you know who he is?" Schala asked.
Mike: (Jar Jar Binks voice) Again, I spake-
Crow and Tom: NO!!
Mike: Okay, but this IS worse than Final Fantasy IV's translation...
"Yes, bu..." Devon was about to say when Crono, Scott, and Robo ran into the room. Then a servant came in. She passed Crono, Scott, and Robo and walked up.
"The Queen asks for your immediate presence at the Ocean Palace."
"All right. Well, I'll be going." Schala said to Devon and walked out. When she saw Crono, Scott, and Robo, she stopped. "And who might you be?" The servant turned around.
"Miss Schala, please hurry! If you are late, I'll be punished."
"Oh, sorry." Schala followed the servant out.
Crow: Well, what is normally a sombre, emotional scene has been turned into pure crap.
Tom: And this surprises you why?
Devon ran over to see Scott. "You're still around! Great to see you, Scott." Devon said.
"Rich is at the end of time, waiting for us!" Scott replied.
"Sorry to break this up," Crono said. "But let's check out that Ocean Palace." The four ran after Schala. They followed Schala into a corridor. It ended with a door. Crono recognized the door, From the future.
Crow: The amazing time traveling door!
Schala held up her Pendant and it began to glow. Then the door opened. She walked in. Crono got Marle's pendant from his pocket, and it began to glow, too. But the door didn't open.
"Go to the mammon machine and power up the pendant!" Devon said. A few minutes later, they were ready to try the door again. It opened, and the four ran inside. There sat Zeal, and beside her stood Dalton, the Prophet, Schala, Chris and David.
Mike: Of course. This just puts a capper on the story.
Devon and Scott's eyes widened. Devon stepped forward towards David.
"David?" Devon asked in disbelief. The prophet's head turned towards the two teens. A darkened figure sat in another throne beside Zeal. The darkness was slowly removed and all saw who the King of Zeal was. Crono's jaw dropped. He managed to squeak out a word.
"Dad?"
Tom: (Darth Vader voice) I am your father...
Crow: Never mind that the King of Zeal AND Crono's dad are supposed to be DEAD!
Mike: Crow...
Crow: Yeah, yeah. Continuity gods... abandoning. Gotcha.
"Yes, son. It is me. Can't believe I'm here, eh?" Crono was speechless.
"This game is really screwed." Devon whispered to Scott.
"Yea. I want to get out of this world." Scott replied.
"Let me take care of there hoodlums!" David said. Everyone disappeared (Including Crono and co.) Except David and Devon.
"Dave... why?" Devon asked. "You used to be my best friend! What happened?"
Mike: Uh oh. I have a feeling that another flashback is on the way...
Devon asked.
"Chris happened! Devon! Remember the timers? Remember what you did to me?" David yelled as he casted a gravitybomb on Devon.
Crow: (Devon voice) Well sure, I hooked jumper cables to your nuts and microwaved your head, but I don't think that's any reason to...
"David? You know magic too? And you use gravity?" Devon was wide eyed as he dodged the attack. He flung a level one lightning spell at him, who easily reflected it with a galaxyshield. He then shot a gravity punch at Devon, who flew back and hit the wall. Devon countered with a Fire level two. This one hit David.
All: Zzzzzz...
David shot an evil star at Devon, which hurt him considerably. David took advantage of the pain to cause some more. He powered up for a nova beam, but before he was at full power, Devon got up and created a dagger out of jade.
Mike: Nanaki's gonna have someone's ass for this.
Crow: It's not gonna be a woman's!
All: Ha! Ha! Ha!
He then electrified it, and shot it at David. It sunk into his arm deep. He cried in pain, as he casted pulsar's cure on his arm.
"So, ya wanna get rough, eh?" David taunted.
Crow: Yeah, Devon likes it rough.
Mike: Aw, Crow! I did not need that.
"Now I'm going to use my level two magic." THAT was level one?!?, Devon thought as he dodged a comet level two.He countered by casting luminare, a spell he just acquired, in the tension of the battle. David just shrugged it off and laughed. "Is that all? Luminare level two!" Devon was astonished as he casted a new version of luminare. Devon was on his knees, using all of his energy to stay conscious. Either he took too much damage or used too much magic. He noticed a pile of bottles stashed behind the throne. He struggled over to it and went through the pile.
Mike: Ah, so Crono's dad is a drunk!
"Tonic, mid tonic, lapis, Here we go! Ether!" Devon pulled off the cork on the bottle and drank the green liquid. It tasted like mint, a taste he did not like.
Tom: (Devon voice) Where the hell is the beer?!
His drowsiness was gone, but he was still in pain. Devon casted a healing spell and got up to face David again. He had been flinging spells at Devon as he crawled to the bottles, and each one missed. That was amazing. The thing that was more amazing is that David wasn't even close to being exhausted.
Crow: (David voice) I could shoot missiles all night!
Mike: Crow!! The story does NOT need your help!
Crow: All right...
He shot a comet level two at Devon, who did get hit. Devon was getting tired of fighting, so he cast an electricity bomb, hoping to end the battle.
Mike: (Matrix voice) This battle ends NOW!!
"Your powers exceed what I thought from you. I've underestimated you. Now I will use level three! Take this!" David cast comet level three, which almost devastated Devon, physically and mentally. Devon shot a ice level two at David, to no avail. He reflected it back with a galaxyshield. Then he cast Darkmatter, not his most powerful spell (!!!) but still strong.
Tom: Didn't work, Mike.
Mike: I know...
Devon screamed as the spell hit him, sending him sprawling across the room, bombing the throne and breaking the bottles. Devon had to do something before he was killed. He tried a lavoid spell he had picked up from his brief training in the gravity magic type, span death. It fully reenergize him, and upped his stamina.
Mike: Oy.
He didn't know much gravity, and that is the strongest type! He only knew span death, comet level one, and gravitypunch. David knew all of the spells from every type, but he didn't seem to know a speck of jade magic. Maybe that's why he was damaged by that jade dagger so much! Devon exercised his use of the jade magic type. He used crystal encase, freezing him in a block of crystal that soon broke.
Crow: Should we even bother...?
Tom: Ah, what's the use?
Then he used pearl, causing blue waves of color to warp around the two opponents, then pearls flung around David, then hit him, exploding on impact. David coughed up a bit of blood.
"Well done, Devon! You have discovered my weakness. But I've known yours all along." David chuckled.
"Gravity magic?" Devon asked, gasping for air.
"Er... Besides that. I mean Arielle."
Mike: What the...? The little mermaid?
David chuckled as he held out his hands. "Mirage."
Tom: Ice Age!
Crow: Tempest!
Mike: Urza's Saga!
The whole scene changed. Devon was on a deserted island, with no one there.
"David you coward get out here!" Devon yelled, waving his fist in the air.
"Hi Devon." A feminine voice was heard. Devon whirled around to see Arielle approaching him. "You're stranded too?"
Crow: (Devon voice) Oh my god! It's a girl! An honest to gosh girl! I don't know what to do! I think I'm gonna wet myself!
She asked. They sat down on a big rock.
"Yea. David warped me here." Devon replied as he kicked a seashell.
"Warped? What do you mean?"
"Well, it's....magic." Devon said, hesitating to admit it.
Tom: (Arielle voice) Well, I always thought you were a fairy, so that makes sense...
"Magic? Show me!" Arielle insisted.
"Um...ok....I guess." Devon held out his hands. A brilliant emerald flash lit up the island, as chunks of emerald nailed the tree on the island with unbelievable force. Arielle was astonished.
"Where did you learn to do that?" She asked in amazement.
"Oh, I just picked it up." Devon said, still commenting on the strength of his emerald bomb spell.
"Listen, I would like to talk to you about something important." She sat down. Devon knew when she was sitting down, it WAS important. "We are very good friends, right? Almost as good as Scott and Rich. Almost as good as you and David.....were." Her voice softened a bit. Devon sat down. "What ever happened between you and David?"
Mike: (Devon voice) Baby, you don't wanna know.
Devon gulped, knowing that this would be a long story.
Tom: No! We don't care! It's okay, you can skip it! Really!
"Chris possessed a skill since he was a kid. He had a power to control people's emotions.
Mike: Of course.
He always hated me because I was always better than him at everything. For some reason, he could never control my emotions.
Mike: Of course.
He built a fort and got a bunch of his friends to guard it. But here comes the big insult. Me and David snuck in to set stink bombs on timers, to smoke the place out. We snuck in..."
Mike: I'm gonna guess that David didn't make it out in time.
Crow: Yeah, and ever since, he's smelled like overripe limburger cheese left in a dumpster in Death Valley for two weeks.
Flashback
All: Noooooooooooo!!!!!
Mike: You know, what kind of story has to label its flashbacks?
Tom: I think we all know the answer to that.
All: A CRAPPY story!
"Devon, set the timers for six minutes." David said.
"Six minutes...check!" Devon set the timer. Guards started to rush in, slipping on their brass knuckles.
Crow: (Guard voice) Whoah! Who scattered these slippery brass knuckles all over the floor?
Chris walked in, and slipped on his special platinum knuckles. Devon set the last bomb. "David, where are you?" Devon yelled as more guys rushed in.
Mike: Why does this scene remind me of the "Fake Purse Ninjas" clip at the end of Bowfinger?
"Here." Chris said. Devon peeked out. Chris had a handgun pointed to David's head.
Crow: Shouldn't this guy be hanging around Seanbaby's page?
"Come out here or he dies." Devon panicked. He needed to buy more time! Devon ran over and changed the timer to two minutes. "Devon you have until ten. One, two, three..." The timer said five seconds.
Mike: That was quick.
Crow: The last two minutes are the fastest.
"four, five, six, seven..." Two seconds, "eight, nine..." And the timers exploded. But one was placed on a highly flammable wooden wall, and it caught fire.
Crow: As opposed to non-flammable wood...
Tom: So the stink bombs were full of hydrogen. Huh.
Using the smoke to his advantage, Devon escaped. He got out just in time to see the base collapse on Chris and David.
Mike: These kids all lead the life of Johnny Quest!
Un-flashback
"And so David teamed up with Chris to try and kill me because of his face. All of the vans are bulging out of his head on the left side." Devon wrapped up his story.
Crow: Vans bulging out of your head? That's gotta hurt.
"Well soon you are gonna give those two what they deserve, right?" Arielle asked.
Tom: (Devon voice) A stern tongue lashing and five days in detention.
"Yes, I guess...." Devon replied, deep in thought.
"I have something important to tell you. I like you.... a lot." She said.
Tom: (Devon voice) Sorry, but I bat for the other team, if you know what I mean.
Mike: (English accent) Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, know what I mean?
"Of course you do! We've been friends since kindergarten!" Devon cried.
Tom: (Arielle voice) Yeah, when you shoved sand in my pants and put a worm in my hair, I knew you were the one for me...
"Not like that." She replied.
"Then how?" Devon asked, puzzled.
"Men! They just don't get it." Arielle sounded mad.
Tom: Lady, you don't have a man there, you have a fourteen year old. And a GAY fourteen year old at that!
"What do you mean by that?" Devon still had no idea what she was talking about.
"Devon, I love you. I want to be with you." Arielle said shyly. Devon was astonished.
"I don't know what to say Arielle. This really is a surprise." Devon said, still amazed.
Tom: Hey baby, there are three eligible bachelors right here!
Crow: You know you want me baby!
"Just say you love me too, and everything will be alright." Arielle said, holding his hand. Then suddenly, the whole scene warped, revealing the Zeal throne room. David was laughing his head off.
All: Yeeeeeaaaaaaagggggghhhhhh!!!
Crow: David rocks!
Devon was still amazed.
"It's great to screw with people's minds." David chuckled. Devon immediently cast Emerald bomb. David was surprised by this and left time for another attack. Devon cast sapphire, encasing David in a blue jewel, that slowly melted off him to nothing.
Tom: You know how before, I was complaining when they skimmed past battles?
Crow: Yeah...
Tom: I changed my mind.
David was annoyed by this prolonged resistance, and casted his most powerful Gravity spell, nebula devastator. A explosion of every color imaginable was in a little ball in his hand, getting smaller. Then, suddenly, it exploded, blowing off the top of Zeal palace, creating an explosion visible from the earthbound village cave entrance. The rumbling was felt in Kagar, and people in Enhansa could hear it.
Tom: Gee, I wonder where *cough*Mount Woe*cough* he got that from?
Mike: Yeah, I think Nanaki's gonna kill this guy.
Crow: I wish he'd hurry up.
Devon slowly got up, pushing the heavy pieces of what once was Zeal palace off his head. He saw David, then blacked out.
Crow: He's dead! Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Mike: No, I think he's just unconscious.
Crow: Nuts.
Devon opened his eyes. He was in some kind of tank. It was amazing that the palace had been rebuilt already. Schala and Janus were talking about something, but Devon couldn't here what they were saying. There Schala held up her pendant. Devon floated through the tank, and landed on the floor, along with the others. "What was that about?" Devon asked. Everyone started to get up.
Mike: Everyone?
Crow: Hey, yeah! Crono and them were all there during that battle.
Tom: Why the hell didn't they do anything?
Mike: Guys, what say we make some sacrifices to the continuity gods the next time we get out of the theater?
Crow: I'm all for that.
"Are you all right? Quickly, escape from the palace!" Schala pointed to the door.
"Wha..." Crono said, still a little bit dizzy from the tank.
Tom: The tank from the beginning of the story?
Crow: I think he's just dizzy all the time.
"And if you can, please rescue Melchior! He was sent to the Mountain of Woe for opposing the Queen. Please! You have to help him!"
"I'm afraid I can't allow that..." a voice said. The Prophet walked in. He turned to Crono. "Your meddling tires me. You'll... just have to disappear!" Schala walked in his way.
Mike: (Sherriff of Rottingham voice) Walk this way!
"You mustn't!" The Prophet looked at her.
"......!" Janus grabbed his arm. "Stop!" Alfador meowed.
Tom: A talking cat!
Crow: (Brandishing his gun) That's one step closer to Sailor Moon.
Mike: Put that away.
The Prophet looked at each of them.
"Okay... I'll spare them." Crono breathed out, relived. "But in return, you WILL cooperate. Schala! Now, show me how you came here."
"Now, Schala, after I throw them in, I want you to seal the portal shut." All of them walked in, and the gate closed. Schala held out her hands, and the gate turned red and froze.
"I'm sorry..."
Mike: (Crono voice) Well, you just killed us all, but that's all right.
* * *
End Of Time
"Now that the pillars of light are closed, you will need a thing that can travel through time. But you need not search." Gaspar said. Suddenly, a ship pulled into the stairs at the end of the platform. Rich got out.
Tom: And The Spy manages to blaze right past yet another memorable scene.
Crow: Don't you see? If he actually shows the good portions of the game, people will begin to realize just how crappy this story is!
"Hi everyone. Devon! You're still here, too! This is great!" Rich said. "I got the Epoch!"
"Now use the wings of time to go back to the dark ages." Gaspar said. Crono, Rich, and Scott hopped in the Epoch. Crono clicked a few buttons, and it started to move. Everything went faster and faster, until everything was fiery red.
Mike: Sure Devon, don't tell your crew about Chris and David or anything...
Crow: Crono's dad just kind of disappeared too, didn't he?
Tom: How much do you want to bet he never shows up again?
Crow: $300,000.00.
Tom: You've got yourself a deal.
"Epoch is capable of THIS?" Scott gasped. Everything slowed down, and they landed in 12,000 b.c. Crono hit a button, sliding open the glass dome. The three walked out and headed towards the floating object, and it was not the kingdom of Zeal. They entered a cave, and it was too dark to see, so Scott grabbed the log Rich had tripped over
Crow: I bet these guys grab a lot of logs.
Mike: The fact that he tripped over it disturbs me...
and lit it on fire with a flamethrower attack.
Tom: That's just GOTTA hurt.
Crono walked to the stairs, his katana drawn in precaution. He turned a corner to discover an entire city under the ground. Scott was talking to a man at the entrance.
Tom: (Scott voice) So then I says to Mabel, I says-
"Welcome to Algetty, the village of the Earthbound Ones." He replied.
"Where is the mountain of woe?" Scott asked, trying to continue the conversation.
"Why do you want to know?" he spat.
"I'm going to go up there, rescue the guru, and stop the Queen!" The man was quiet for a moment.
"Are you suicidal?" He asked.
"Probably,
All: Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!
but I'm confident, too." The man's eye's bulged out of his head.
"There are actually people willing to stop the Queen..." He whispered to himself. "Go down to the lowest floor of the cave. Enter the door marked "Beast's den."" Crono, Scott, and Rich ran down the stairs like greased lightning. There was a door with a sign above it.
"Beast's Den." Scott read aloud. "Let's get going." Scott dashed into the room, and nailed a big white rock.
Mike: Man, lay off the Viagra.
"Hey what the hell is..." Then Scott realized it wasn't a rock. The white beast roared, trying to scare Scott off.
Tom: (Yajirobe voice) This might be a good time to... run like mad!
Scott, startled, whipped out his lightsabre and slashed the beast in half. They continued down the hall, meeting several beasts.
Crow: And Scott nailed them all!
At the end, there was a red and a blue beast, including a mud imp. Crono laughed at the sight of the imp.
Mike: It's Ross Perot!
The imp was annoyed, and jumped on the red beast. The red and blue beasts did a X-strike with the Mud imp guiding them, trampling Rich. "Let's do a triple attack of our own!" Scott yelled. They did an acid strike. Scott shot acid on Crono and Rich's swords, and they did an X-strike, killing the red beast.
Tom: Then, since their swords were melted, the blue beast killed them all.
The blue beast roared as the mud imp shot a rock at Crono. Rich charged up. He hit a button on his katana, activating a rocketsword attack. It impaled the mud imp, but he just yanked the blade out as the wound closed. "I guess the beasts activate some kind of shield on the imp."
Tom: Wouldn't a shield have prevented the sword from connecting at all?
Crow: The imp must be Eva Unit 01 in disguise.
Scott said. Rich hit the next button on his katana. He activated a drill sword. His blade spun around like a Black & Decker drill,
Crow: (C. Montgomery Burns voice) It's that lucky little leprechaun! I'm going to get your lucky charms!
Tom: (Hans Moleman voice) Ow... My brain...
and he shoved the twirling sword into the blue beast, blood flying everywhere. The mud imp ran away, knowing that he had no protection.
Crow: Shiek! Wear one or get none!
The three continued up the chains to Mount woe.
"How do you do those moves?" Crono asked about rocketsword and drill sword.
"I don't really know them, I just created a sword with special abilities.
Tom: Excuse me?!
Crow: His "sword" has special abilities?
Mike: Oh man...
See, look!" Rich held out his sword.
All: Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!
There was four buttons on the hilt. One had a rocket on it, another had a drill. Another had a gun on it, and the last had a shield. Rich pressed the gun button. A lazer launched out of the tip of the sword. "Nice eh? It's custom made!" Crono looked over the sword approvingly.
Crow: If we can't leave, can we at least poke out our eyes and ears?
Mike: Well... nah. Give it a few more minutes, at least.
"It's made out of a very strong material, the blacksmithery
Mike: "Blacksmithery?"
Tom: Hee hee!
is superb, and it also has many other options besides just slashing." Crono said, impressed. "Where did you get the material?"
"While I was in the phreastoric ages. I woke up about two hours after the party at the meeting site and saw some reptites fussing over an object just outside of the meeting site. I went over and scared them away. It was easy because in the dark they couldn't see me.
Tom: Reptites are afraid of the dark. Go figure.
They were huddling around a stone that glowed, and a shell that sparkled. I guessed that it was the sun stone and rainbow shell. I took a bit of your dreamstone and created a sword. I'm ok at blacksmithing.
Mike: Heh. "Blacksmithing."
Crow: I'm good at "fishermanning."
Then the reptites I shooed off probably stole the gate key, but I didn't notice it."Rich said, walking up the mountain. Suddenly, a Gargoyle jumped in front of him, and it met a nasty fate.
Crow: Enzo Matrix.
Tom: Yeah.
Mike: Only one person in a million will get that joke.
Tom: (Professor Frink voice) We call it the "Dennis Miller Ratio."
At the end of the mountain, it got dark. Scott felt someone.
All: Aaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
"Is this you Crono?" He asked.
All: Aaaaaaaaiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
"No." Was his reply.
"Rich?" He asked. "Is it you?"
"Not me." Came out from the darkness.
"Than what...." It got lighter, and he noticed he was touching Giga Gaia.
All: Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!!!
"Oops." Giga gaia grabbed the three and started to juggle.
"Hey! I'm no toy!" Crono yelled as he casted lightning level two. Giga Gaia screamed as the spell shocked him. Rich used rocketsword, and one of the hands fell off.
Tom: The Rocketsword has hands?
Scott launched a acid bomb at the other hand. The acid slowly dissolved the hand, in a painful sort of way.
Mike: As opposed to the usual painless acid...
Rich started to do a cyclone, but he hit a button, and Lazers flew out of his sword as he spun. Scott whipped out his lightsabre and swung it in a downward arc, cutting Giga Gaia as it went. It's mouth closed, and Giga Gaia disappeared.
Mike: It's David Copperfield!
A block of ice, similar to Ozzie's shield, and melted away. Melchior was standing there.
"M, Melchior?" Crono said, surprised.
"Indeed, I am Melchior. Have we met before? More importantly, can you tell me anything about the Ocean Palace?" Melchior said.
"It's almost complete!" Crono said. "And the Queen has moved the Mammon machine into it."
Crow: And they found this out when? Oh yeah, continuity gods...
"I see..." Melchior said. "The Queen has degenerated to that degree... The more energy the Mammon Machine absorbs, the further the Queen degenerates. Her spirit has been stolen by the infamous immortal,
Tom: Duncan McCloud!
Lavos." Then the ground started to shake. "We must flee! The seal has been broken! The mountain will collapse!"
"Elder! Mountain of Woe is about to crumble!" a man said panicly. The elder of the Earthbound village walked quickly up to the surface. He saw how the gigantic chain that was attached to the mountain smashed. The mountain fell.
Tom: And apparently, absolutely nothing happened because of it.
They were in the elder's room. "Lavos sleeps deep underground, while consuming the energy of this planet. If the Mammon Machine is brought closer to him, he may awaken! We must hurry before it's too late!"
Mike: Yeah, that's generally the nature of hurrying...
Melchior said. A man came in.
"Elder! Schala's here."
"What? Schala's here?" Melchior said and turned to the room opening. They all did. Schala came into the room, followed by Janus.
"Miss Schala... Why have you come to such a miserable place?" the Elder said.
Mike: Greven.
Crow: Yeah, that would be my guess.
Tom: Hey, but... I thought he was dead!
Mike: So is Harpo Marx! You didn't see me harshing your buzz...
Tom: All right, all right! Sorry.
"Stop degrading yourselves! We Enlighted Ones were once the same as you. The only difference is that we are under Lavos's control..." She sounded...sad.
Crow: I can't imagine why.
"Melchior!" she said. Her voice suddenly perked up. "After the Mountain of Woe fell, I thought I would find you here!" Melchior put his hand on her shoulder.
"Is it safe for you to leave the palace?" Schala looked down.
"That no longer matters. The Ocean Palace is now operational!"
"Then all is lost!"
Mike: He gets lost pretty easily.
Tom: Maybe he's related to Ryoga...
"But without me, the Mammon Machine won't work. I have turned my back against that evil device!" Schala said, triumphlety.
Crow: How rude.
"We'll help!" Crono said. "To stop the Queen, we'll do whatever's nessary."
"Oh, you!" Schala said. "How did you get back? And you, Scott, you were going to tell me the identity of the prophet. Wait, there's no time to ask you!
Mike: Then why didn't you ask him instead of recapping from last time?!
I've kept the Skyway open. Hurry! You must stop... my mother!"
"Why don't we keep it right there..." a voice said. They all turned around.
"Dalton!" Schala exclaimed.
"Tisk, tisk, tisk my dear." Dalton scolded. "Your presence is required elsewhere!" Melchior stepped forward.
"Dalton! Leave her alone!" Dalton laughed.
Crow: You know, we've seen all this before.
Tom: Does this story have an original bone in its body?
"Ah! The geezer speaks!" He smiled. "Silence, old man!" Dalton launched a fireball, which threw Melchior back, and in a matter of seconds, Dalton had a knife to Schala's throat. He looked down on her. "You'll come to the Ocean Palace with me." Janus ran forward to him.
"Schala!" Dalton hit Janus and made him fly across the room.
Mike: (Dalton voice) Young man, you're going to fly, and you're going to like it!!
"The Queen's children all seem to have a problem with authority, don't they?"
In less than one second, Crono and Rich had their swords up,
All: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!
and Scott his armcannon charged.
"Stay back. The life of this woman means nothing to me!" Crono slowly slid his sword back into the holster, eyeing Dalton. Dalton looked down on Schala. "Shall we get going, Schala, dear? Your mother awaits!" With a flash, Dalton, Schala and Janus disappeared.
"Melchior!" Scott tapped his shoulder.
"I'm all right. But we must save Schala, or else..."
The elder walked up. "Impossible! Even though it's coming from YOU, Melchior..." Melchior looked down.
"If the Queen is allowed to fulfill, all life as we know it, is doomed!" Rich gripped the hilt of his sword.
"Not as long I can do something about it!" Melchior looked at him, surprised.
"You're willing to challenge the queen?"
"Righto!" Rich replied. Crono nodded.
Crow: (Ace Ventura voice) Aaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll righty then!
"You've done so much for us... and I don't even know your name!"
"You'll find out soon enough!" Melchior didn't understand what he said.
"What ARE you talking about?" Scott nudged Crono.
"Come on, Crono!" They turned around, but Melchior stopped them.
"Wait, take this with you. It's made from the same red stone as the Mammon Machine. With it, you can destroy the machine!" He handed over a red knife.
* * *
Zeal Palace
Outside the entrance to the hall, two maids stood. They looked hypnotized.
Mike: Another tragic case of a Pine-Sol overdose...
"The Ocean Palace is complete. Zeal will rule forever!!" One said.
"Where's Schala?" Crono asked.
"The Queen took Schala with her to the Ocean Palace. We Enlighten Ones will finally get immortality!"
"That was everything I wanted to know." Crono replied and entered the Queen's room, where Devon and David fought earlier. Once they came in, they saw Dalton sitting on the Queen's throne.
Mike: (Dalton voice) Man, this Turbo Lax works great.
"Phooey! Why is the Prophet allowed inside while I'm stuck with guard duty?" Crono, Scott, and Rich took out their weapons."Ha! There you are... I let the Prophet go, knowing he'd mess up sooner or later. But I've no use for you anymore. You're history!"
"Wouldn't count on it!" Crono said. Dalton let an iron orb fall from the ceiling, to land on Rich.
All: He's dead! Yaaaaaaay!!
"Urufff..." Rich struggled to get out from under the weight. Crono jumped up and slashed Dalton with his sword. Scott shot lazer blasts around the room. The laser beams searched for Dalton. Dalton burped.
"SOMEONE'S got a gas problem." Scott rolled his eyes. Dalton was forced to his knees.
Mike: (Dalton voice) Man, I found out the hard way that you do NOT have an enchirito for lunch two days in a row...
"N...nooooooo! I'm going to be immortal! I CAN'T be beaten now!" He hovered up. A gate opened under him. He dived down in it.Crono watched it.
"Let's follow. I bet it leads to the Ocean Palace." Crono jumped in, followed by Scott. Rich stayed in place.
"No." He whispered. "Devon's going this time." Rich created a portal with the gate key and they switched places.
"Alright!!!!" Devon yelled."Who's ready to kick some ASS???" Devon dived in the portal.
Crow: We're ready to kick yours!!
Mike: All right, we need a break. (Picks up Servo.)
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)
(The light on the bridge are dimmed, and candles are placed randomly around the area. Mike, Crow, Servo, and Gypsey are dressed in ceremonial robes. Mike holds his hands up to the ceiling.)
Mike: Oh, great gods of continuity, why have you forsaken us?
Crow: Why must we watch a random series of events that have almost nothing to do with each other?
Tom: Why did two bumbling villains suddenly appear? Why did Crono's father fake his own death, apparently multiple times?
Mike: Out of our devotion to you, we hereby destroy these gathered objects of non-continuity... (Mike gestures to the table, and begins holding up objects.)
Crow: Every single episode of "The Real Adventures of Johnny Quest!"
Tom: The first 40 issues of "Sonic the Hedgehog!" (Except for #25 and 39, because they're both just really cool.)
Gypsey: Every movie in the "Project A-Ko" series!
Mike: (Puts the objects back on the table, and lights them on fire.) Ah, that's nice. (Raises his hands up again.) Now, great gods, we will revere these objects of great continuity! (Begins holding up objects again.)
Gypsey: ReBoot season 3!
Tom: Every issue of Spawn!
Crow: And... (Suddenly, the red light begins flashing.)
Mike: Oh, we're getting a call on the hex-field view screen. (They all turn toward the screen as it opens. Inside, a teenage guy wearing a toga is staring at them.)
Guy: Anyone summon a god of continuity?
Mike: Yes, actually. You see, we're kind of stuck in this story-
Guy: Well, I don't know how much I can do for you. I'm just a trainee.
Crow: Oh, that's fine. We just have a small little story here that needs fixing...
Guy: Okay, is it just the chronological order that's screwed up, or are there other problems?
Tom: Oh, there are other problems, all right.
Guy: Uh... I'll have to ask the manager. I'll get back to you guys on this as soon as I can. Where'd my notepad go...? (The view screen begins to close.)
Mike: But... But!
Crow: It's no use Mike. He's gone. (Suddenly, every light begins to flash, and the bridge starts shaking.)
Tom: We'd better get back in the theater.
Crow: Yeah. You know, the continuity isn't really that bad anyway. Maybe next time, we should try reaching the gods of straight people...
.