Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #101
(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike walks into the theater. Mike sets Tom in his seat, then sits down, looking up at the screen.)
The Sword of Zeal Part 8
By The Spy
1998 a.d. Earth
Mike: It's "beyond" belief, all right.
Scott opened his eyes. A big peach blur was hovering over him.
Tom: Oooookay, this just gets weirder all the time.
Mike: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Both: (Singing) We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine...
He jumped up in surprise. "You're actually up." A voice said. Scott rubbed his eyes so he could see better. Magus was leaning against a tree. "I never knew your friend Devon knew my personal trick of using pain as a form of energy." Wind suddenly passed around the group, making Magus' cape and hair fly.
Tom: (Scott voice) Hoo! What did you have for lunch?
"It seems as if you should take off your suit, this lady here wants a word with you." Magus pointed to the third figure, and then looked off into the distance. Scott pushed the button, taking off his falcon suit.
(Crow walks back into the theater.)
Mike: You feeling all right now, buddy?
Crow: Oh, sure. No problem.
Mike: Um... You kind of have that flashlight stuck up your-
Crow: I said it's fine, Mike!
He then directed his attention towards the third figure. It was Arielle.
All: (Singing) Under the sea... under the sea... darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me...!
"What are you doing here?" Scott immediently blurted out.
"I should be asking you that." Arielle said.
"Y, you mean we're NOT in the ocean palace?" Scott gulped. "Where is everyone else? Crono, Schala, Zeal, Lavos?"
"Who are they? Me and my family are camping, and I find you two lying on the ground." Arielle said.
Tom: Nooooooo! They've been scattered through times AND realities! Now the story will take that much longer to end itself!
Crow: It's like Ronin Warriors, but even MORE gay!
Mike: As if that was possible...
"Any idea where we are?" Scott asked.
"About fifty miles south of Toronto.
Mike: Ah, they're Canadian. That explains just about everything.
Crow: (Singing) Iiiiiiiiiiii'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!
Were leaving tomorrow. Are ya gonna stay with us?" Arielle asked.
"Sure I guess.... Magus, you coming?"
Crow and Mike: Augh!!
Tom: I sure hope not.
Scott called back to the trees.
"..." He was silent for a moment. "I have every reason to accept your offer. This is the most assured way to Lavos." Magus then twirled his cape, and walked toward the circle of tents.
Tom: Arielle's family must own a circus, if they have that many tents...
Mike: Either that or they're Catholic.
* * *
Crono awoke. First he saw the emptiness of nothing, then the floors and lamppost came into view, then Gaspar. "You're back with us!" Marle said excitedly.
Crow: (Crono voice) Oh, sure. Dende fixed me up...
"Nice to see you up and about, boy!" Gaspar said.
"Where is everyone else?" Crono lept to his feet.
"Everyone else is safe except for...Devon."
Mike: Lenny! Squiggy!
Tom: Lewis! Oswald!
Come with me.
Crow: Good God, no!
We got work to do." Crono said.
"Hey! Take this with you." The former guru said.
"An egg?" Marle exclaimed. Everybody walked closer. It was an egg Gaspar picked up.
Crow: How shameful... just picking eggs up off the street.
"Let us call that the Chrono Trigger. It is pure potential. By unleashing a specific course of events, it can have a powerful effect on time. Ask the one who made the Epoch, your Wings of Time, how to hatch it... Like any egg, it represents a possibility... It may or may not... hatch. But the Chrono Trigger may give you the potential to get your friend back... The egg will have an effect equal to the effort you put in your search. No more, and no less. Don't forget that. As long as you keep Devon in your heart,
Tom: (Singing) It's tearing up my heart, when I'm with you...
Crow and Mike: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
the day you are dreaming of shall arrive..." Gaspar said.
Tom: (Munching sounds, Rich voice) Oh man, that was the best omelet I ever had...
"I get it... it's you, isn't it...? Are YOU Gaspar, the Guru of Time?" Crono asked. Gaspar tilted his hat.
"Um... well... I believe that's what they used to call me... ...ages ago..."
* * *
Schala awoke in an abandoned building. "Where am I?" She whispered to herself. Schala then noticed that Zeal, nor any of her companions were around. She was free to do whatever she wanted. Schala left the building and started to walk down the streets of Toronto.
Crow: (Brandishing his gun) You'll pay! You'll pay for doing this to Schala!!
Tom: Hey Crow, why didn't you take that with you when you went to Dr. F's place?
Crow: Shut up Servo.
People eyed her strangely, probably because her hair and robes. A passing child asked if she just came from a costume party. She noticed this, and entered a clothing store. Schala browsed over different things for a very long time. (I guess woman and shopping are the same anywhere.)
Tom: Ha! Ha! Humor of the 1940s!
She picked out a pair of purple shorts and matching tee-shirt. She carried the things to the cash register.
"That will be thirty five dollars." The employee said.
"Is this enough?" Schala held out thirty five GP.
"What the hell is this? I want real money!" The employee demanded.
Mike: You know, considering what Schala would look like in that outfit, I'd give it to her for free.
"It is! Look at it!" Schala handed the GP to the employee.
"See! It's..." Then he noticed it was gold. "...The real McCoy!
Mike: (Dr. McCoy voice) Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a banker!!
Here are your things (snicker)" He handed the objects to her. Schala stepped into a room that read dressing room, and changed into her other clothes she just bought.
Mike: I may not know much about writing, but I know what I like.
Schala left the store. Now know one chuckled or stared as she passed. Now she was going to look for someone with information about Zeal and Lavos.
* * *
Devon looked around. All he saw was black. He then tried to see himself. He looked like a Gigantic cloud. Then to others pulled up. Devon thought to himself. 'If I'm a cloud, I wonder who they are?'
Mike: DEVON went to the hero afterlife?
Tom: Nanaki must be crapping his pants right about now...
'I'm your father!' The green cloud thought.
Tom: (Luke Skywalker voice) No! That's not true! That's impossible!!
'And I'm Eiros, the good entity.'
'Would you mind telling me where I am?' Devon's cloud swirled.
'This is a place where people who die come. Without your body, this is all you really are. A cloud. A soul.' Eiros thought.
'People who are here wait until your new body is ready for you to start a new life.' Dad thought.
Mike: And of course, he mangles the concept badly...
Mike: Yeah, yeah, Devon's gay.
Crow: With more feeling!
Mike: Devon's GAAAAAAY!!
Tom: Hee hee! That's never gonna get old...
'I was an entity last time around.
Tom: EVERYONE is an entity! The pool of primordial ooze that probably spawned this author is an entity!
That other entity, Amon, killed me. His magic is much too powerful if a medium class spell can kill an entity. If your magic is too powerful, it can effect your health and sanity. Look at Queen Zeal. But enough of the bad things in life. I might be something else this time when a get a new body. A person, a Deer, maybe even another Entity.' A light flashed and a thought hit everyone.
Mike: (Entity voice) Ow!!
'Devon! History is somehow been changed, and you are free to go back to your own body.'
Crow: (Twitching) I... I... I...
Tom: Uh oh. I think Crow's about one surprise away from taking us all out in a bloody shooting spree.
Mike: Can't say that I blame him...
'Bye! I'll always remember this place!' Devon thought as he floated upward.
'No, you won't. Memories of this place are wiped out when you enter a body...'
Devon appeared on a snow covered peak. Crono bent down. "You ok, pal?" He asked.
Crow: (Still twitching) You... gonna pay...
Mike: Dr. F's really playing hardball this time around...
"Isn't this supposed to happen the other way around...?"
"We should take you to the end of time." Rich stated. Crono, Robo, Rich, and Devon began the trek down the mountain.
Later, at the end of time...
"It seems as if a new gate opened up, leading to your would." Gaspar said, pointing to Devon. "That is where Zeal is, and also Lavos. It would seem logical to say that both of your worlds are in danger."
"So, we go to my world." Devon said. Crono opened the gate.
Tom: No! Stay there! Goku can take care of Earth!
Mike: (Goku voice) Actually, I'm late for work, it's Chi Chi's special time of the month, Gohan has little league this afternoon, and we've had to put Ox King in a home. Find someone else.
Crono, Rich, and Devon hopped into the gate. The gate then closed and sealed itself.
"It seems like they are stuck there until Lavos is killed and the worlds separated..." Gaspar talked to himself.
Tom: He's heading for Shadow territory pretty darn fast.
Crow: I wish I was a Shadow right about now...
* * *
Zeal awoke to see that she was in a large forest. She noticed that this was not a forest on her floating islands, and it was not an earthbound forest,
Crow: It was one of those newfangled flying forests!
because there was no snow. Zeal got up, trying to find a bearing. To her left she saw three figures walking through the woods. She recognized The prophet, but the other two she did not know.
Tom: Should we point out that the Prophet and Magus are the same guy?
Mike: No. No, we shouldn't.
Zeal encased them in a blue ball,
Crow: She's gonna want to see a doctor about that...
and walked over to it. "Ok, you phony, I want awncers NOW." Magus remained silent.
Crow: They got sent to Earth, and they ALL ended up in Canada?!
Mike: The evil Entities must really have the upper hand right now.
"Leave me and the girl alone.
Tom: (Scott voice) In fact, do what you want to her, just leave me alone! Mommy!!
You may talk with Mag... uh... Jan.... uh...?" Scott didn't want to blow Magus' cover.
"It's fine, Scott, I don't have to play my little charade now. I'm not in the kingdom of Zeal anymore." Magus said, facing away from everyone.
"What is that supposed to mean, Prophet?" Zeal asked sarcastically, like she knew something.
"Do you know who I really am?" Magus asked.
"Of course." Zeal almost laughed. "Janus."
"Did you always know?"
"No, actually. But while I'm here, my powers strengthen. Enabling me to figure out your identity."
Crow: C'mon Mike!
Mike: All right guys, one more time!
All: How conveeeeeeeeenient!!!
Zeal said, looking around. "Wherever here is."
"Physical and magical powers change and warp when you enter a new world." Scott said.
"You mean I'm on another planet?" Zeal asked.
"Wait.... There is a place... I can feel it's magic...
Tom: (Scott voice) That would be Disneyland.
it has more power than.... Lavos!!!!! I must get it!!!" Zeal warped away.
"There is actually a place on this planet which contains powers that rival Lavos'?" Scott said. "Wonder where that is." The blue encasing broke.
"Could anyone explain what is going on?" Arielle asked.
Crow: (Scott voice) No.
Tom: (Magus voice) No.
Mike: Not really, no.
* * *
Zeal reappeared in a cave. Chris, David, and Crono's Dad were lying on the floor.
Mike: Of course.
Chris was starting to stir. Zeal just held all of their hands and warped them to the place of power. Soon, the black omen would be complete...
* * *
Schala asked many people if they knew anything about Lavos, and everyone looked at her like she was crazy. All except one. His name was Jeff.
Crow: All right, the Entity of biscuits is back.
He led her to his house, where he flicked on his PC.
Crow: (Jeff voice) Oh my god! Every male gamer's wish has come true! I've gotta mail Black, Nanaki, NeoKefka, President Clinton, DK...
"Here." He said. You will find all the information on the game here.
'Game?' Schala thought. The page read at the top 'IcyBrian's Chrono Trigger Page!'. Schala clicked on various links. 'Fanfic?' She wondered. 'What the hell is that?' Schala clicked on the blue letters reading FanFic. She then browsed the list. And browsed... And browsed.... And browsed.... Doesn't this list ever end?' Schala thought. She clicked on the blue word reading 'Nanaki'. Schala read the stories there.
Tom: (Schala voice) The Origin of Mount Woe... It's too long to read all at once, I'll just click on a random chapter. Let's see, 33 should do... "Muscles she never knew she had ached from..." OH MY GOD!!
'Wow.' Schala thought. 'What a great writer., but still, how does EVERYONE know about this...?" Schala wondered. She checked out almost every FanFic author (!!!!!!) Laughing at the humor of Lavos core's stories,
Crow: Well, I just lost all respect for Schala.
and wondering about Nakaki's stories.
Tom: (Schala voice) What, did he have a camera set up IN my bedroom?!
But she gasped as she read ZealPropht's story. She found out that The Prophet was Magus, who was Janus.
Mike: He rips off Nanaki endlessly, but he didn't know that she knew?
Tom: You didn't know he didn't know she knew?
Crow: Who didn't know he didn't know she knew?
Mike: Never mind.
* * *
"DAMNED THING!!!!!" Magus roasted a pile of rods and fabric.
"No, Magus, don't!" Arielle ran over to the burning pile. "That's the third tent you've destroyed!"
"Don't you know how to put it up?"
Mike: Guys, I am now sterile.
Tom: That's nice. Kill me please.
".....Shut up." Magus said.
Crow: If I didn't know better, I'd say he just tried to make a funny.
Tom: If the tent's a-rockin', don't go a-knockin'.
Scott awoke to a noise in the bush. He went to see what it was, and saw Magus roasting a pack of hungry bears. By the time Scott had gotten there, all of the bears were killed.
Mike: (Bear voice) We just wanted to sort through your trash and eat your shoes! Augh!!
"I didn't need your help." Magus said. But Scott was not listening. He was looking in the sky.
"Magus, look." Scott pointed to a red star.
"It's Lavos!!!" The red star was not moving. Then suddenly, it headed towards the ground.
Crow: Kind of negating the "not moving" portion...
"It's gonna land!!!" The star went over the harizon. Magus ran off. "Where are you going?" Scott said.
"To Lavos." He called back.
"That's probably more than a thousand miles away! At least wait until morning. We can get transportation then." Scott hollered. Magus stopped and came back.
"You better be right, kid."
* * *
Lavos looked upon the kid infront of him. He was laughing at him. 'He thinks he can beat me?' Lavos thought. 'I'll kill him instantly!' Lavos shot a beam. When it hit, a big hole opened up. 'W,what's this? I'm being pulled into it!' Lavos thought. "Garrrrrrrwgggg!!!!!" Lavos yelled. All he saw was blackness. Lavos opened his one eye. He was in space again. 'Guess I start over.' He thought. Lavos headed towards a planet and was preparing to crash.
Crow: (Lavos voice) Whoooo! I'm gonna crash this planet and drink until I puke, then drink some more!
As soon Lavos was close to the surface, he could see a floating island. The island moved, making him land on it.
Tom: (Motherly voice) Young Lavoid, you're going to land on this island, and you're going to like it!
Go To Chapter 9
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