Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #101
By Nanaki
The Sword of Zeal Part 9
All Together, All Separated
By The Spy
1998 a.d.
Crono, Rich, and Devon appeared behind a bush on a crowded street of Toronto.
Mike: Yeah, no one will notice three guys sitting in a bush in the middle of a major city.
The three walked out of the patch and started to walk down the street.
"Hey!" Devon said. "Arielle lives on this street! We might get help there! Figure out what we've missed!"
Tom: (Arielle voice) Devon, I'm leaving you for Scott...
The three headed towards a brick house. Devon knocked on the door. Arielle's little brother came to the door.
"Sorry Dev, can't come in. I've got a friend over." He said.
"Anyone I would know?" Devon asked.
"I don't think so. Her name's Schala."
Mike: This is the luckiest kid in the history of the planet.
"Hahaha! What a kidder!, Well, see ya later, Jeff."
"Bye, Dev!" The door closed. Crono, Devon, and Rich walked down the street. About a minute after, a red truck pulled into Arielle's driveway. Magus, Scott, and Arielle hopped out of the back and opened the front door.
Crow: (Magus voice) I can't believe how long that drive took! I gotta GO!!
Jeff ran up to greet them.
"Hi Arielle!" He said.
"Hi Jeff."
"Hi Scott! Cool Halloween costume!"
"Thanks."
"Who's this turkey? This Magus follower is a real cheap imitation! I bet the pale skin is make up!"
Tom: (Magus voice) D'oh! My secret is out...
"HEY!" Magus started to summon a Ice level three spell, to throw at Jeff. But instead of casting Ice level three, he summoned Bahamut. The dragon shot a beam of energy at Jeff, Who backfliped out of it's way. Magus looked at his hands. The glowing faded.
Tom: Well, that was pretty surreal.
Mike: Never mind that there are no summons in Chrono Trigger.
"Even if he's only eight years old, he is the most acrobatic person I know." Arielle said.
Tom: (Arielle voice) Aw, he just tried to kill my little brother. That was so sweet!
"Hey, you're the real deal!" Jeff said, his eyes as big as dinner plates. "But.... Bahamut's summon is from FF7!!! I thought you were a wizard."
"Remember Magus, A persons special abilities change when warping between realities!" Scott mentioned.
"You mean....you....them.....HER?"
Mike: We've been asking those questions for the last nine chapters.
Crow: Yeah, welcome to the club, kid.
....Uh....Magus, there's someone who might like to see you!" Jeff's shaking hand pointed towards the computer room. Magus walked towards the door, pushing Jeff out of his way.
* * *
Devon, Crono, and Rich walked down the street until a person materialized in front of them, blocking the way. It turned out to be David.
Mike: (David voice) Hi everyone. I'd just like to apologize for this story. Thanks.
"Devon! Just the person I wanted to see! Zeal requests that you and your little band of idiots eradicated. But I have a better idea. I'm taking you and your pitiful little rebellion with me to Zeal palace. Maybe this way you will see our point of view. Then your powers will used for the purpose they were given to you."
Mike: (Talpa voice) Your armors were originally part of me... They are born and bred for evil!
Tom: (Devon voice) We, uh... We don't have any armors.
Mike: (Talpa voice) Never mind then. Thanks for your time.
David held out his hand, And a green barrier encased them. Crono whipped out his sword and pounded on the barrier. A loud clang was heard, and Crono kneeled, covering his ears like he was in pain.
Mike: (Crono voice) Remind me not to drink right before facing an evil villain...
Rich gave up and sat down. Devon watched as David ran into Arielle's house, to get everyone else. As soon as he left, Devon slipped on his Platinum knuckles, shoved ear plugs in his ears, and punched with all his might.
Crow: (Devon voice) Kaioh-kaaaaaan!!
Mike: (Crono voice) Hey, that's my line!
The barrier shattered, making a noise that could be heard in Cuba.
Mike: (Fidel Castro voice) The hell was that?
Devon pulled out the plugs and, after breaking the others out, ran towards Arielle's house. David was inside warping the whole crew away. Even Magus couldn't break out.
Crow: But our little wussy boy of a hero could! Of course.
Devon snuck up and was about to nail David in the back of the head with his knuckles, but stopped when he said "As if life isn't short enough already." Devon then blacked out.
Mike: He's ripping off Calvin and Hobbes now!
Tom: This madman must be stopped!
* * *
Brian sat at his computer, updating the gigantic load for his webpage.
Mike: What a load.
Tom: Contents of load may have shifted during transfer.
He sighed. 'If I got paid for making this web page, I would own fort knox.' He continued typing. Suddenly everything blacked out. "Damn." He said "A power outage."
Tom: (Southern accent) Dad blast that General Sherman!
Brian left the computer room to go get some candles. He walked into the living room. He passed the couch. He passed the TV. He passed the floating island.
Crow: Man, what has he been eating?
Tom: He should try Dalton's Turbo Lax.
He reached into the drawer and grabbed ten candles. Wait a minute... Floating island? Brian rushed to the window, and finally figured out why the power was gone. A flying piece of land was hovering over a main power plant, absorbing all the energy. He rushed to the front door, and flung it open. Brian ran into the garage, started up the convertible, and drove off towards the plant.
Mike: (Icy Brian voice) I, your average teenager, am certainly the Earth's only hope!
* * *
Scott opened his eyes. He was in a jail cell with Rich.
Crow: (Jerry Falwell voice) Tell us the location of Tinky Winky, now!
Devon was sitting on a stool,
All: Eeeeeeeeeewww!!
in a separate cell. "Glad to see you're up." Scott groaned.
"Hi, Dev! Do ya have any ideas for breaking out?" Scott asked.
Tom: (Devon voice) Oh, like you're one to talk, pizza face.
"No, not really." A guard walked into the cell.
Mike: Why doesn't he just use those nifty knuckles from before?
"David wishes to see you." Devon was blindfolded, and handcuffed.
Tom: I REALLY don't like where this is going.
About halfway through the trip down the endless halls, Devon unhooked the cuffs and pulled off the blindfold. He then knocked out the guard.
Crow: Mike, you gotta!
Mike: All right, I guess we really have no choice.
All: How conveeeeeeenient!!
Tom: What is that, ten now?
Crow: At least.
Devon grabbed his sword,
All: Aaaaaauuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!
because he couldn't use magic at the time. Devon couldn't remember the way back to the cells, so he started to explore the dungeon.
Tom: Um... isn't a dungeon made up of cells?
Mike: Tom, it's not worth your effort...
He read a poster on the wall.
Tom: (Devon voice) "A dungeon is made up of cells, you unbelievable dumbass..."
It said: This area is magic blocked! Remember that if you don't have a magi-card, you can't use magic in magic blocked areas.
Mike: Of course.
"Damn. I've gotta get me a magi-card." Devon stated. Just then, a guard bumped into him. Devon whirled around with his sword, severing his head. He checked the bodies' pockets.
Mike: And our brave hero nobly turns into a murdering pickpocket...
Inside was a magi-card, fire, Lv. one. "This enables the user to cast Lv. one fire spells." Devon read the card. "Well, this'll help a bit." He saw some light coming from a door. Devon found an exit. He ran out it, to see that he was on a cliff. Down below was a power plant. Devon closed his eyes, and jumped.
Crow: Um...
Tom: It truly boggles the mind.
Mike: C'mon guys, we can't quit now. I know what'll cheer you up...
All: Devon's GAAAAAAY!!!
* * *
Brian arrived at the power plant to see a little figure falling from the floating island. It hit a big mat of foam.
Crow: Pain... stop the pain...
Tom: Sure, "foam."
Mike: Ew. Tom, don't do that again.
After a minute of lying still, it got up. it seemed to glow, and a lightning bolt struck a crate. The figure yelled " I've got my magic back!!!" Brian ran up to it, seeing if he/she/it was ok.
All: It!!!
"Are you ok? How did you shoot that bolt?" Brian asked. The figure's eyes widened.
"Brian? Icybrian?" He said.
"Yes, who are you?" Icybrian asked.
"Devon.....The Spy."
Mike: (Icy Brian voice) Uh huh. Let me just grab my gun...
Devon said. "And I've got a lot of explaining to do."
Mike: (Cuban accent) Lucy, you've got some 'splaining to do!!
Tom: (Lucy voice) Waaaaaaah! Ricky!!
* * *
Scott woke up everyone in the cell. "Wake up!!! Devon's been taken to David!!!"
All: Yaaaaaaaay!!
"What the hell is going on?" A cranky Crono said.
"My Falcon suit is gone!
Tom: (Megabyte/Snake voice) Yoink!!
And all of our weapons are, too." Scott said.
"So how do we get out?" Crono asked.
Crow: Using that tiny Saiyan brain of yours for once, maybe?
"Wait, are we all here? Jeff, Crono, Me, Scott, Rich, Magus, Schala, Devon....Where's Devon?" Arielle said.
"He's been taken to David." Scott said.
Tom: You JUST said that!!
"So how do we get out?" Crono asked again.
Mike: A bit slow on the uptake, isn't he?
Crow: Sad...
"Why don't you just throw something at the bars?" Arielle commented sarcastically. But Scott didn't know that. He grabbed Rich and threw him with all his might at the bars.
All: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhh!!!!
Rich broke three or four as he went by. Scott slipped out and looked at the crumpled Rich.
"Oops."
Tom: (Rich voice) Oh, you wacky guy you! Ha ha ha...! Ow! My spine...
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the Three Stooges, reincarnated.
"It would seem logical that you would bust out of here." A shadow said, creeping in the doorway.
"Who is it?" Rich asked, his RocketSword drawn (He had a very tough time drawing it, too.)
Mike: Oh, man. No, I didn't need that.
Scott went over to the box of the team's weapons and pulled out his Falconwatch. He put it on and pressed the button.
Tom: (Bob voice) Glitch... do you have a cure for that "not so fresh feeling?"
Magus grabbed his scythe. Crono looked for his sword, and in it's place found a sparkling sword, the blade made out of prism.
Crow: Um, that would be a flashlight...
Schala held Melchior's ruby knife. Jeff and Arielle were unarmed.
"I always seem to pop up at just the right places, do I?"
Crow: I don't know. Do you?
The figure walked out of the doorway. It was DAVID. Everyone moaned.
Tom: It's nice that he gave them all time to get armed.
Mike: Yeah...
"Why can't you just DIE?" Scott said.
"Is that possible?" David said.
"How 'bout we find out?" Scott hovered over to him, and lashed out with his lightsabre. He could have sworn that the sword cut through David's hand, but instead, his hand fell off. Scott screamed in pain.
All: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhh!!!!!
Tom: Ooh, that's gonna need some ice.
"That's gonna need some ice." Rich whispered.
Tom: Crow, lend me your gun...
Mike: No.
"Great idea!" Magus began casting Ice level two, but when the spell came, a Moogle on a choboco ran over David, toppling him to the ground.
Mike: Another victim of a drive by chocoboing.
"Hmmm....." Magus forgot about the power change. He then whispered a few more words, and a big man came
Mike: God!! What is this story's problem?!
and flipped the floor on top of David. When everything turned back to normal, a voice said
"Don't think you won. I'll be back." Everyone groaned. (Scott groaned in pain, too.)
"Got peace ring x1!!!" Rich said.
Mike: That settles it. I've lost it completely.
Tom: I don't think so Mike. I saw it too.
* * *
"You mean, all of this....." Icybrian was stunned. They were sitting on a couch back at his home.
"Yes, and I need all the help I can get. Do you want to come
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Crow: Icy, get out of there!!!
along?" Devon said.
"Sure, just let me get something." Icybrian ran into his room. After a few minutes, he came down with
Crow: A bazooka.
Mike: Please let it be a bazooka...
Tom: With Devon seeking ammo...
a staff.
Crow: Icy... no... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Tom: He's one of them! THEEEEEEEEEM!!!!
"It's the staff you described in your story, Reality Clash!"
"Yep, I fashioned it as soon as I started the story. I felt like I would need it one day..."
Mike: (Icy Brian voice) To beat the crap out of any lamers who came after me.
Crow: (Devon voice) Uh oh...
"You got that right. Oh, and here." Devon handed him his fire level one magi-card. "This will allow you to cast fire level one and flare level one.
Mike: Astonishing... He misinterpreted the function of something HE invented!
Tom: He's one in a million, all right.
Now, let's find a way to that island in the sky." The two ran outside. The island was done sucking up all of the energy from the plant and was moving to another part of town, looking for another.
"Wouldn't this thing attract the military?" Icybrian asked.
"It did. The military is with them, now." Devon replied. "Don't ask how."
Crow: Maybe they want to end this story as badly as we do...
"You got that right. The military is with us now." Icybrian turned around. Dalton was there, with two tanks, fifteen nus, and at least a thousand ground troops.
Tom: Not Nus!! Oh, the humanity!!
"HEY!!!! It's that big ASS who gave me such a hard time
All: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Crow: (Crying) I... I... I can't...
Tom: (Also crying) Waaaaaaaaaaaahh! Ricky!!!
Mike: Are you happy, Dr. Forrester?! Do you see what's happening up here?!!
in the game! Well, now, buddy, you are REALLY gonna pay for it." Icy whipped out his staff.
All: (Crying) Bwaaaaaaauuuuuggggggghhhhhhhahahahaaaaaaww!!!
Mike: Guys, this story is destroying us! We have to do something!!
Tom: You're right Mike...
All: Devon's GAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
Mike: Uh oh. Our last defense is starting to fail us...
A beam of energy connected his free hand with the tip of the staff,
All: (Hyperventilating) Aaaaaawhawhughugh... Aaaaauuuuugggghhhuuuuugggghhh!!!
Mike: (Sinking down in his chair) You haven't won yet... (Raises his fist in the air) I will not submit...
Crow: (Raises up his gun) You guys can stay, but I'm leaving!!
Tom: Crow, no!!
BANG!!!
and Dalton's cape burst into flames. "Oops, I'm kinda new at this." Icy concentrated again, and a wave of fire blew over the army. Everyone was killed, accept for Dalton, who had Mbarrier cast on him.
Mike: (Sits back up in his chair) Crow?
"Damn piece of mental frickin crap!" Dalton cursed and teleported away. Devon walked over to the place the sorry excuse of a mage used to be standing there. He picked up a Magi-card.
Crow: Uh, yeah. I'm fine. I, um... missed.
It read: Allows the holder to cast Mbarrier, Reflect, Safe, Shell, Galaxyshield, and comet level three. Devon gave the card to Icy.
"Now let's get on that island. Any ideas?" Devon asked.
"Hmmm....." Icy thought for a minute. "Wait, yes!" Icy ran into the rotting shed in the back of his property. "When I was a kid, I wanted to create a time machine. As soon as I finished, it did not warp through time, but it flied instead. I flew it to school every day, until it backfired. I tried to land it as best I could, but ended up hurting my girlfriend very badly. She never walked again."
Mike: What... the... Hell.
Tom: Hee hee...
Crow: Heh, heh...
All: Ha! Ha! Ha! Hee! Hee...! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! HEE HEE!! HEH! HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Heheheh... Hooooooo...
Soon after she moved away. I never had the chance to explain that it was an accident. My parents went to court against hers, and we didn't lose any money, just friendship. I've always hated this thing since and shoved it in this cursed shed where it was out of sight. This thing ruined my life, but it just might give us one last chance at saving the world."
Tom: Don't you love the way this story does our work for us?
Mike: Yeah...
Icy hopped in the akward transport. Devon soon followed. Icy turned it on. It sputtered a bit, and began wobbling over the floor of the shed. It then swooped upward, smashing the top of the shed. It then zoomed toward the island.
"Uh...Icy? If this thing broke down before, what's stopping it from breaking down now?" Devon asked.
"What?" Icy replied.
"What is keeping this thing up?"
Mike: Um...
Crow: It's okay. I feel a lot better now.
"What?"
"WHAT IS KEEPING US IN THE AIR???"
"Um...nothing...?" The craft slowly desended, miles before the island.
All: Hahahahahahaha...! HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Heeeeeeee...
Tom: I don't know when this turned into a Warner Brothers cartoon, but I'm sure glad it did.
Devon closed his eyes. The craft turned gold, and flew to the island with ease.
Mike: Ah, more Deus ex Machina. That always makes for a great plot.
"Whew! Never knew I could do that!" Devon and Icy hopped out of the cart. The gold disappeared, and the cart collapsed into a pile of metal scraps. "Oops." The two ran across the island, meeting little or no resistance at all on the way to Zeal palace. "Is this it?" Devon said. They were standing infront of a huge tower...
Mike: No, that's not it.
Crow: Let's get out of here...
Tom: (Matrix voice) This chapter ends NOW!!
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)
The bridge is shrouded in darkness. Gypsey appears in front of Cambot.
Gypsey: Now, the Satellite of Love is proud to present, the Devon's Gay Boys!
(Now, spotlights come on, illuminating the rest of the bridge. Crow, Tom, and Mike are all sporting 16 year old, beginners' goatees.)
All: (Singing to the tune of the Backstreet Boys' "Everybody") Eeeeverybooody...
Devon's gaaaaaay. Everybooody, let me tell you tonight: Devon's gay. All
right?!
Oh my god, he's such a queen. Siegfried and Roy got nothin' on him. More
than Richard Simmons, more than Nathan Lane. How gay is he? Better answer
now!
Crow: Is he gaaaaaaay?
Tom and Mike: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhh.
Crow: Is he really gay?
Tom and Mike: Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah.
Crow: Is he homosexual?
Tom and Mike: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhh.
Crow: Is he everything you'd expect to see in the gay and lesbian dormitory?
All: Everybooody! Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh! Devon's gaaaaaaaaay! Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhh!
Everybooody, Devon's gay tonight! Devon's gay, all right?! All right!
Now just how gay is he? More than Anne Heche, more than Tinky Winky. Is this
a problem? Well, we hear tell, Jerry Falwell says he's going straight to
Hell.
Crow: Is he gaaaaaaay?
Tom and Mike: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhh.
Crow: Is he really gay?
Tom and Mike: Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah.
Crow: Is he homosexual?
Tom and Mike: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhh.
Crow: Is he everything you'd expect to see in the gay and lesbian dormitory?
All: Everybooody! Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh! Devon's gaaaaaaaaay! Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhh! Everybooody, Devon's gay tonight! Devon's gay, all right?! All right!
(Music fades) Crow: So everybody everywhere, be on the lookout for this queer. We don't have a problem with the maaaaaaaan.
All: But rip off Nanaki again and he'll be found dead in the caaaaaaan! (Music rises) Everybooody! Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh! Devon's gaaaaaaaaay! Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhh! Everybooody, Devon's gay tonight! Devon's gay... Everybooody! Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh! Devon's gaaaaaaaaay! Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhh! Everybooody, Devon's gay tonight! Devon's gay, all right!!
(Though no audience can be seen, wild cheers erupt over the bridge. Mike, Crow, and Tom bow at the waist.)
Mike: (Raising his hands in the air) Thank you Branson, Missouri! We love you!! (Then, every light flashes, and the bridge begins to vibrate.)
Tom: We've got story sign!
Crow: We'll be back to sign autographs later!
.