Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000:
Episode #101: The Sword of Zeal Intro
"In the not too distant future,
Way down in Deep 13,
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank,
Were hatching an evil scheme.
"They hired a temp by the name of Mike.
Just a regular Joe they didn't like.
Their experiment needed a good test case,
So they conked him on the noggin'
And they shot him into space!"
Mike: Let... me... goooo!!
Dr. F: We'll send him cheesy stories!
TV's Frank: The worst, we can find!
Both: La! La! La!
"He'll have to sit and read them all,
While we monitor his mind!
"La! La! La!
"Now keep in mind,
Mike can't control,
When the stories begin or end.
"La! La! La!
He'll try to keep,
With the help of his robot friends!
"Robot Roll Call!
"If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts...
"La! La! La!
"Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a fic,
I should really just relax."
For Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000!
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)
(As the Satellite of Love bridge comes into view, we can see Tom Servo and Crow on opposite sides. Crow has an armored shell over one shoulder, and spikes of yellow construction paper taped to his head. Tom has locks of dark hair hanging down over his dome, and is wearing a leather jacket. The two stare at each other, not moving.)
Mike: (Walks in) Well hey guys. What's going on? (Silence) Oh, having a good old fashioned stare down, are you?
Tom: (Continues to stare at Crow) Not exactly, Mike.
Crow: (Continues to stare at Tom) We once again had the age old argument about which RPG hero is more invincible, Cloud Strife or Squall Leonhart.
Tom: The answer is clearly Squall, as his Lion Heart limit can do close to 240,000 damage, and multiple Phoenix Pinions ensure nearly eternal life.
Crow: The answer is most definitely Cloud, as the Phoenix, when paired with the Final Attack, HP Absorb, and MP Absorb materias ensures eternal life even more fully than 100 Phoenix Pinions.
Tom: So, seeing as it would likely take forever, we decided to dress up as our favorite characters and decide once and for all in an all out, no holds barred, steel cage mega death match from Hell.
Crow: But then we realized that we didn't have any weapons, and it kind of turned into a staring contest. You know how it is.
Mike: Look, what kind of nut would even take the time to get 100 Phoenix Pinions, or three Phoenix materias? (Pauses, then looks back and forth between the two.) Ah, I forgot who I was talking to for a minute. (Red light begins to flash.) Hold on, Hojo and Palmer are calling. (Hits the light.)
(Dr. Forrester's face fills the camera. In the background, glimpses can be seen of Frank, dressed as a clown, riding a unicycle, while juggling torches.)
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Mike, you'll never guess what we've been up to here.
Mike: Well, it looks to me like you took over a circus.
Tom: You then forced the performers to train Frank in their art, for some really obscure reason that no doubt has to do with world domination.
Crow: And while you're waiting for your order from Torgo's Pizza to arrive, you'll no doubt pay a visit to the bearded lady, who you no doubt have tied up in your room for use as a personal se-
Dr. Forrester: (Stares intently into the camera) You diabolical... Never mind that now. Well, come on, Nelsonetty! Make with the Invention Exchange!
Mike: Well sure! This week we have... (Pulls out a punching bag, and places it on top of the desk.) The Hironobu Sakaguchi punching bag! Now, whenever Square makes an idiotic decision, you can vent your frustration with ease.
Tom: Don't bring us the Chrono Trigger remake huh? Take this! (Slams into the bag with his hoverboard.)
Crow: 45 second summon spells? You idiot!! (Headbutts the bag.)
Mike: Make the girls have proportions that would kill a mortal woman, and thereby frustrate lonely bachelors trapped in space even more than usual? You ^$%#*@!
(Dr. Forrester dives out of the way, and Frank rides his out of control unicycle directly into the camera. He falls off, and Dr. F. once more takes center stage.)
Dr. Forrester: You call that an invention? Frank, bring ours out!
Frank: (Getting up) Uh, Clay? I think maybe I should get to a doctor after that fall...
Dr. Forrester: I AM a doctor, you nincompoop! Bring out the invention! (Frank hurries to comply, and comes back with a ten video set.) Presenting Dragon Ball Z: The Bulma Saga. 50 glorious episodes of everyone's favorite whiner doing nothing but squealing, complaining, PMSing, and otherwise being a bitch...
Tom: (Close up) You've gone too far this time! How did you manage to bring this evil upon the world anyway?
(Dr. F. remains silent. Frank wheels out a man bound and gagged to a desk chair, with a piece of paper taped to him reading "A. Toriyama." Frank quickly turns him around and wheels him away again.)
Dr. Forrester: Anyway Nelstone, your story this week is a bottomless pit of horror known as "The Sword of Zeal." Enjoy.
(Back on the Satellite of Love, all the lights begin to flash, and the bridge vibrates. Mike is standing, half hunched over, breathing heavily. Small pieces of plastic are raining down on the bridge.)
Crow: Jeez, Mike. You really tore that thing apart! Are you feeling better now?
Mike: (Straightens up) Yes, actually. Good to get some of that pent-up aggression out...
Tom: Save it for later guys! We've got Story Sign!
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