Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #101

By Nanaki

(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike and Crow walk into the theater. Mike sets Tom in his seat, then he and Crow sit down, looking up at the screen.)

The Sword of Zeal Prologue

By The Spy

990 a.d.

Crow: Oh god, not another Middle Ages story...

Tom: Mike, can we just save time and committ suicide now?

Mike: Now, now, it can't be worse than a Hercules movie, can it? I mean, there's no "Deep Hurting" here.

(Gypsy moves into the theater from the left, a slip of paper visible in her mouth, and hands it to Tom. He takes it.)

Tom: Thanks, Gyps.

Crow: Hey Servo, how'd you get your arms to work?

Tom: (Ignoring Crow) It's a memo from Dr. F. "Dear Mike, I forgot to mention. We're giving "Deep Hurting" another shot. Enjoy your story. Mwa ha ha, ha, ha, ha." Well, this is just peachy.

Crow: Really? The smell I'm thinking of is much- mmf! (Mike claps a hand over his mouth).

Mike: That's one for you.

It was about 11 o'clock, and a man in his early 30's was walking down the main road of truce, holding his son's hand. The two looked exactly alike, with the Father having red, spiky hair, and his son with miniture spikes on his reddish locks.

Tom: They've cloned Carrot Top!

The pair walked into a shop. The Father went to talk to the merchant. He wanted something special, because he was shown into the store room.

Crow: So all the owner has to do is show someone into the store room, and they automatically want to buy something special?

Mike: That must be handy...

The child noticed some movement in a shadowy corner of the store. A person was grabbing handfulls of anything he came across in the bins layed out in the store.

Tom: Oh, it's Harpo Marx! This'll be fun!

The kid ran over to see what was going on. The figure swerved around and bumped into the child running toward him.

"Hey! Move it kid!" The man said. He was in his early 20's, and had an eye patch and headband.

Mike: Okay, we've apparently got pirates in 990 A.D...

Tom: Just go with the flow, honey.

A common thief, the kid thought. Nothing more. The Thief picked up the child just as the Father walked into the main area of the store. The merchant was still in the back room, though.

"Put my son down, now, thief!!!" The man said. He punched him square in the eye. This made him let go of the boy,

Crow: Gee, you think?

and he crawled into a corner. The thief noticed that the man had a hole in one of his pockets, so he slipped a bunch of things into his pocket. Now the Merchant had come out of the store room.

Tom: (Merchant voice) It's a good thing I had that room soundproofed, so I therefore heard nothing of the conversation that just happened.

The Thief backed away.

"Help! Help!" He yelled. A guard rushed in.

"What's going on here?" He asked.

"He tried to beat me up!!!" The Thief yelled, his hand pointing at the Father and shaking.

"What's this?" The Guard asked, walking over to the man. A bunch of objects fell out of the hole in his pocket.

Tom: Okay, I was wrong. HE'S Harpo Marx.

"Shopliftin' now, I see? I'll have to bring you in." He grabbed the Father and they walked into the castle,

Mike: (Merchant voice) Yeah, this store's in a great location. Only ten feet from the castle. Of course, I had to build on the moat, and the cholera's going to kill me in about three hours, but man, what a great location.

leaving the boy alone in the store. The Guard had asked the Merchant to come along too, because he was a wittness and could be of some help in the court.

The thief pulled out a knife and waved it about an inch apart from the boy's nose. "If you say anything..." and then moved his finger across his neck like it was a dagger. "Get it?"

Tom: (Thief voice) Gaack!! I forgot that I was holding my dagger when I did that! Aaauuuuuggghhhh!!!!

"Got it." The scared Boy managed to squeak out.

"Good." Then he walked off.

* * *

"So you claim that this man tried to beat you up while you were browsing the merchaindise?" The Judge asked to the thief.

"Yes," He replied."And he was shoplifting, too! The Guard found some trinkets in his pocket."

"Is this true, Guard?" The Judge asked him.

"Yes it is, your honor." He replied.

Crow: (Judge voice) Well, I am much more inclined to believe the shady man dressed like a pirate than this honest citizen of Truce...

Then the Merchant walked into the room. "It's all true, I saw the whole thing! The punch, the Guard, the trinkets in his pockets! I saw it all!" He yelled. He sounded like he was going crazy.

Mike: Wait a second, if he saw the punch, then he should have seen the thief plant the evidence!

Tom: I know honey, I know.

"Do you have any wittnesses to prove otherwise?" The Judge pointed to the Father.

"Yes!!! My son!!!" A small kid walked into the courtroom.

"I object!!!" The Thief yelled. "He probably told his son to tell an outragous lie!!!"

Crow: (Judge voice) Well, since shouting automatically makes you more trustworthy, maybe I can trump up his charges a bit while I'm at it...

"I see your point. You," The Judge pointed to the child's Father."Is charged with assult and theft! You are sentanced to 1 year in jail! Guards, take him away."

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" The kid wailed.

* * *

"Iv'e gotta get out of here!" The father whispered to himself. It was about noon, and the guards were on a lunch break. He noticed that a bar was very rusty, and with a few tries, he yanked it out. He ran up the stairs and bumped into a guard. He was sentenced to another 2 years in jail. Over the years he was caught trying to escape, and was eventually stuck in there for life."

Mike: Not the shiniest coin in the fountain, is he?

Over the counless times he tried to escape, he found a sacred sword of the royal family and hid it in his cell.

Crow: The hell?

Tom: That just came out of left field, didn't it?

Mike: Guys, I've got a bad feeling about this...

* * *

999 a.d.

Crono was climbing up the castle wall, wanting to see a prisoner for a long time.

Tom: And this guy is who?

Crow: I think it's the kid from before...

He wedged his sword into a hole in between two bricks, yanked out a brick, and climbed into the hole in the wall.

Mike: (Crono voice) Good thing I'm only six inches wide...

All of the bars were semi-rusted, but one was fairly new and hardly rusted at all. There was a skeleton lying in the middle of the floor, without a head. It was holding a note. It said:

To Crono:

Crow: You shmuck! You should have been here nine years ago!

I knew someday you would come to resque me, but I was sentanced to the guillotine after repeaded attempt to escape.

Tom: So they just dumped his body back in his cell afterwards?

Mike: Maybe it was one of those door to door guillotines.

Iv'e hidden a Royal family sword in this cell, find it. But be careful, because choosing the right sword will allow the world to live peacefully, but choosing the wrong one will open a Pandora's box of evil.

Crow: So his dad was an insane necromancer? I think I've seen about enough... (Stands up)

Mike: (Puts a hand on his shoulder) Get back here.

Watch out, the dungeon has a new peice of machenery that repels lightning and fire.

From your forever loving Dad.


3 4
5 2

Mike: Did I just become dyslexic?

Crow: Yes. Yes you did.

Dance on the star seal!

A single teal dropped from Crono's eye. It hit a coloured tile on the floor and it moved away to reveal 5 buttons surrounding the words "Dance on the star seal!" Crono pressed the top button. It turned red.

Tom: This letter will self destruct...

He pushed the buttons according to the note that his dad left him. The tile flipped around to reveal the regular coloured tile, and a part of the wall slid open to reveal 2 swords and words chipped into the wall. They said "Now pick a sword!" Crono grabbed the left one and an earthquake started. The dragon tank rolled in and shot a missle at Crono. He deflected it with his sword but the flame thrower put a severe burn on his arm.

Mike: Did anyone else just see the kid deflect a missile with his sword?

Crow: Maybe Dr. F. slipped some peyote into our food...

He cried out in pain as the tank rolled over him, knocking him sensless.

Mike: You know, from my experience, a tank running over you doesn't knock you senseless. It kills you.

Crono awoke in the same cell that he fought the Dragon Tank in, but that the swords were lying on the floor. He grabbed the one that was red and was placed on the left. on the hilt, it said "You chose wrong."

Crow: His dad could go to the trouble to arrange all this, but couldn't manage to just break out of the castle?

Mike: Brace yourselves, little doggies, I think it's gonna be a rough ride.


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