Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #102

By Nanaki

Chrono Trigger: The Lost Force Chapter 1

A Strange Predicament

By Dragoon Taryn

1001 A.D.

"Watch out Crono! You almost hit me!"

Tom: (Drunken, southern Crono voice) Well, if you don' like it, then hurry up and fix mah dinner, woman!

Marle cried out as Crono almost hit her with his sword,

Crow: Uh...

the Rainbow,

Mike: If his "sword" is rainbow colored, he definitely shouldn't be doing any strenuous activity...

while attempting to cut down a tree.

"Sorry Marle, it's just that Lucca said she needed some wood for this new project she's working on," Crono told Marle.

Crow: (English accent) Oh, I bet she does. I bet she does! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?

Marle sighed. "That Lucca, she's always working on something."

After gathering enough wood, Marle and Crono

Tom: Had to take a nap, so they'd have the energy for more later on.

hauled it back to Lucca's house. "Here Lucca, is this enough?" Crono asked as Lucca began inspecting the wood.

Mike: (Crono voice) Hey baby, feel free to inspect my wood any time...

"Yeah, I think this amount will be alright," Lucca replied.

Crow: (Crono voice) "All right?!" Whaddya mean, "all right?"

"It better be," Marle groaned, "I don't think I could stand dragging more trees around."

Mike: (Shocked Crono voice) You've been dragging other trees around?!

Lucca smiled. "Don't worry Marle, if I need more, I can always get more myself."

Crow: (English accent) Oh, I'll bet she can, I'll bet she can! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I- (Mike smacks him) Ow!

"So, what are you doing exactly, anyway?" Crono wondered.

Lucca stood up and scratched her head. "Well, I'm trying to build more seats for the Epoch. It would be nice if it

Tom: (Lucca voice) Had a coach section. For Tata, and any other wankers we end up having to ferry around.

could carry more people."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Marle agreed, "But why did you decide to do this now?"

Lucca sighed. "I just had this very strange feeling that we will be needing them very soon."

All: How conveeeeeeeeeenient!!

Mike: We really have to be careful not to overdo it this time...

* * * * *

1999 A.D.

Kill or be killed.

Crow: Um... I'm gonna have to go with the first one.

Mike: Yeah...

That was the only thing that ran through 15-year-old Taryn's mind as she hid behind a bush,

Crow: Is it just me, or is there lesbian action going on here?

Tom: Unfortunately, it's just you.

ready to take out anyone who opposed her. She scanned the area, then took out her pendant for a moment to give her luck.

Mike: Oy.

Tom: Does any female lead in this world not have that pendant?

Then, hearing a soft rustle in the bushes, she turned around sharply, taking aim with her gun. She locked onto her target, then BANG!

Crow: She shot a Batman sound effect!

"Oh man. I can't believe you got me AGAIN!" Paul

Crow: Nathans.

moaned, as he touched the red goop that covered his chest.

Tom: (Paul voice) I can't believe you severed my aorta, again!

Taryn jumped from behind the bush. "Well, if you weren't so slow, maybe you could win!" Taryn laughed as she gave him a friendly slap on the back.

Mike: I am so glad the author wrote "back..."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'll see you in school. 'Bye," Paul said as he started towards home.

Tom: Then died from blood loss thirty seconds later.

Taryn was busy emptying the goop capsules out of her rifle

Crow: If that's what they're calling it these days...

when she noticed a strangle,

Mike: But the guy being strangled was Pauly Shore, so she just kept walking.

blue light coming from behind a tree. She approached the tree, then saw that the blue light was

Crow: A bug zapper.

something that looked like a portal. "What the, oh no!" Taryn yelled as the portal sucked her into the unknown.

Tom: (Taryn voice) Damn finori...

Mike: That's another joke only one person in a million will get.

Crow: (Professor Frink voice) Here we see the "Dennis Miller ratio" coming into play again. Ngu-hai!

* * * * *

601 A.D.

Magus was reading an old scripture in his practically deserted castle when he sensed that someone was there. Reaching for his scythe, he walked silently over to his chamber door, then, threw open his

Mike: Chamber pot.

door and held the scythe up to his assailant's throat. "Who are you? And how dare you invade my castle?" Magus demanded.

Crow: Hi, we're Jehova's Witnesses, here to interrupt your morning. Would you be interested in any of our fine magazines?

"Magus! 'Tis only I, Glenn!" a voice croaked.

Tom: (Magus voice) Aw, it's only Glenn... Kill it! Kill it!!

Magus loosened his grip. "Glenn? I could have killed you!"

"I'm sorry, Magus, 'twas a fault of mine, but ye didn't answer thy knock," Glenn replied.

Mike: (Magus voice) Sorry. I was a bit, uh... preoccupied... with that scythe I found in "The Sword of Zeal."

Magus sighed. "Speak quicky Glenn. What do you want?"

"I hath felt an eerie energy wave, 'twas very powerful," Glenn told Magus.

Tom: (Magus voice) That's why you close your microwave door before turning it on.

"So you have felt it also. I have a feeling that this could be very bad."

Suddenly, a huge gate came out of nowhere and blasted a mysterious figure into the wall.

"Ouch, lousy son of a....," the stranger muttered.

Crow: (Kefka voice) Son of a submariner!

Tom: You spoony bard!

Magus drew his scythe once again and pointed it at the stranger. "Who are you?"

Crow: ("Stranger" voice) Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?

She stood up. It was a young woman, who appeared to be no older than the age of fifteen.

Mike: (Magus voice) Oh, I'm gonna be arrested before this is over. I just know it...

"I'm Taryn, who the hell are you?"

Crow: Apparently Taryn is a fan of Bart Simpson, circa 1989.

"I am Magus, a powerful sorcerer,"

Tom: (Glenn voice) Mph... Heh, heh... HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hee hee...!

Mike: (Magus voice) Are you quite through?

Tom: (Glenn voice) One second. Heheheheh. Okay.

Magus told her, "And I shall exterminate you unless you explain how you got here, and why you are here."

"Well," Taryn began, "I was just inspecting this blue light, when it sucked me in, and I ended up here."

Crow: (Glenn voice) Yeah, those blue light specials at K Mart are addicting...

"Tis a very odd predicament," remarked Glenn.

"You're telling me," the young woman agreed.

Magus put away his scythe. "I think that we should consult the others on this new turn of events."

Mike: (Magus voice) Because the man who lead a war against Guardia is no match for a 15 year old girl.

"Agreed," Glenn croaked, "To the End of Time." He pulled out the Gate Key and they headed for Truce Canyon.

* * * * *

The End of Time

"Well, this a pleasant surprise," Gaspar remarked as the three came through the Gate, "But it seems you have a new guest. And who might you be?"

"I am Taryn, from the year 1999," Taryn replied.

"1999 A.D. eh? That is very interesting."

"Why?" Taryn wondered, confused.

Tom: (Gaspar voice) That's the year Star Wars Episode I came out. Jar Jar Binks was thought to herald the end of human civilization.

"Forget it," Magus told her, "Gaspar, please keep an eye on her,

Mike: (Gaspar voice) I'm on it. (Ripping sound) Eeeyow!!

Crow: (Magus voice) Not literally! Dumbass...

we have to go get the others."

Tom: Uh... Why?

"Of course Janus," Gaspar said, "Shall I have Spekkio teach her a magical element?"

"If he has the time," Magus answered, as he and Glenn went through a portal to 1,001 A.D.

"Why am I here, anyway?" Taryn asked Gaspar after Magus and Glenn had disappeared.

Mike: (Gaspar voice) Deus ex machina.

Crow: Deus ex Jenova?

Mike: No.

Gaspar sighed. "Perhaps I can tell you while Spekkio helps you with some training. Come along."


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