Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #102

By Nanaki

Chrono Trigger: The Lost Force Chapter 2

A Quarrel Among Allies

By Dragoon Taryn

1001 A.D.

"Well, what do you guys think?" Lucca asked Crono and Marle as she showed them the Epoch with two more seats.

Mike: (Crono voice) You put two benches on the roof with duct tape...

"I think it’s great Lucca!" Marle told her.

Mike: (Crono voice) No cup holders either...

"Thanks Marle."

Suddenly, Magus and Glenn came out of Leene Square. "Magus, Glenn, what are you two doing here?" Crono asked.

Crow: (Glenn voice) Vegeta here wanted to get plastered.

Mike: (Magus voice) I know this great bar in Porre...

"More like how did you get here. The Gates are supposed to be closed," Lucca added.

Tom: (Glenn voice) Well when you're a frog, it's easy to hop the fence...

"We have a situation we think could be dangerous," Magus told them.

"Dangerous? Pardon my protest, but how could one girl be dangerous?" Glenn wondered.

Mike: Ever heard of a thing called PMS?

"What are you two talking about? What girl?" Crono demanded.

"A girl from the year 1999 A.D. came through a Gate into my castle," Magus informed them.

Crow: I've got a joke, but it's just too, too dirty.

Tom: Crow, are you feeling all right?

Crow: Maybe not.

"So? It’s just a girl," Marle told him.

"But, I also sense an evil force.

Mike: Pauly Shore?

This girl could not have come though a Gate if someone had not made it," Magus pointed out.

Tom: Give the boy a prize. He has a keep grasp of- (Mike smacks the back of his head)

Mike: You're heading into Spy territory.

Crono sighed. "Well, we should check it out anyway."

So they all hopped into the Epoch and headed for

Crow: The drive-in.

the End of Time.

* * * * *

The End of Time

"Take this!" Taryn yelled as she shot a Lightning bolt at Spekkio.

Spekkio dodged the attack and hurled a fireball at her.

Mike: (Spekkio voice) Feel my balls of fire!

Taryn threw an Ice blast at the fireball, which froze and hit the ground.

Mike: (Spekkio voice) Hachi machi!

"Hmm, not too bad. But can you handle this?" Spekkio thundered as he began casting Dark Bomb.

Taryn quickly cast Dark Mist, which caused the room to become misty,

Tom: (Misty voice) Kill UMJ!!

not allowing Spekkio to see Taryn. During Spekkio’s confusion, Taryn casted Dark Matter, the strongest of all Black Magic,

Mike: (Meteor voice) Excuse me, but...

which defeated Spekkio.

Crow: (Chang Wufei/Spekkio voice) Damn, I have been defeated. I must become stronger, because only those who are strong should fight. Those who are weak should not fight, because they are unable to defeat the strong. Since I have been defeated, I am weak, and- (Mike smacks him) Whoah, thanks for snapping me out of that.

Mike: Any time.

"Ha, I won!" Taryn cheered in triumph.

Tom: She's Ticx!

"Grrr, that was most embarrassing," Spekkio muttered.

Then they heard the sound of the Epoch approaching, and saw the others disembark. "We’re back!"

Mike: A Dinosaur Story!

Magus announced.

"Great, get this kid away from me," Spekkio groaned.

"I’m not a kid," Taryn told him.

Lucca walked up to Taryn. "This is the girl?" she asked Magus.

"Do you see any other girls here?" Taryn snapped.

Mike: Marle.

Tom: (Whistling) Woo hoo!

Crow: Yowza.

"I couldn’t really tell, you dress like a boy," Lucca retorted.

Taryn quickly raised her hand and slapped Lucca.

Crow: Cat fiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!

"At least I don’t look like I belong in a museum of modern art."

Mike: Uh oh, now Jasper Johns will be trying to steal Lucca.

Lucca became angry. "You want to fight me?" Lucca demanded, pulling out her gun, the Wondershot.

Taryn laughed. "Bring it on, why should I be afraid of you?"

All: Cat fight! Cat fight!! Cat fiiiiiiight!!!

Marle quickly stood between the two. "Come on guys, what do you have to gain by fighting?"

"My dignity," Taryn growled.

Gaspar rammed his staff into the ground.

Tom: Jeez man, lay off the Viagra.

"Stop it, all of you, we have bigger problems."

Crow: Bigger than Gaspar's staff?

Mike: Okay, I think I'm going to vomit now.

"What exactly are the problems?" Crono asked.

"You all may think that the problem is just this girl coming

Mike: I fail to see how that's a problem.

though a Gate, but there are bigger problems,"

Tom: You just said that!

Gaspar replied.

"Like what?" Magus wondered.

Crow: (Gaspar voice) I'm coming too.

Mike: (Vomiting) Crow, one more like that, and I'll send you back to infiltrate Deep 13 again.

Gaspar cleared his throat. "There is a very powerful wizard who gains his power by

Crow: Putting rattlesnakes in his boxers!

stealing it from others. He has a staff that, if struck by lightning,

Tom: (Gaspar voice) Will really, really hurt.

can reveal the person who has the

Crow: (Gaspar voice) Largest staff.

most magical energy. But he must have used up too much energy looking for this new person, which caused the Gates to reappear, plus a few new Gates."

Mike: Okay, did that make any sense at all?

Tom: Jeez Mike, lightning struck his "staff," which caused him to use too much energy, and open up some "gates." (Mike vomits again) I don't see what's so hard to understand about that. Try to keep up.

"Which explains why she is here," Marle said, pointing to Taryn.

Crow: She must have come from one of his "gates!"

Mike: That does it, I'm out of here. (Mike proceeds to crawl into the tunnel Servo dug during the last episode.)

"‘She’ has a name, you know. And it’s Taryn," Taryn told them.

"So what you’re saying is that we have to find this wizard," Crono said.

Magus stepped forward.

Tom: (Magus voice) I gotta drain the little wizard, if you know what I mean. Be right back.

"Absurd! What we need to do is find the person with this powerful energy."

"That’s crazy! It would be like finding this person for the wizard," Lucca argued.

"I agree with the modern art. We should find the wizard and take him out!"

Crow: (Taryn voice) To dinner! And then to a hotel, so he can use his staff! (Mike can be heard screaming from the tunnel.)

Taryn declared.

"I’m not ‘modern art!’ My name is Lucca!"

"Well, I say that we should get the others. That way we can have eight people looking instead of six," Crono pointed out.

"Yes well, you and Lucca do that, I should take Taryn to see Melchoir, maybe he can get her a weapon,"

Tom: (Gaspar voice) How about a staff? (Mike screams from inside the tunnel again.)

Magus suggested.

Taryn flexed her muscles. "I don’t need a weapon. I have 120 pounds of muscle!" she bragged.

Crow: Combined with 380 pounds of flab!

"You look weak to me," Lucca told her.

Crow: (Wufei voice) Yes, she is weak, because she will surely be defeated by those who are strong. This is because the strong- (Tom smacks him.) Hey Servo, how'd you get your arms to work? (Tom ignores him.)

"Who asked you?" Taryn demanded.

"Alright, that’s enough," Marle told them.

As Crono and Lucca boarded the Epoch to go find Robo and Ayla, Magus and Taryn went to Medina Village in the year 1001 A.D.

Tom: Well, as fascinating as this is, I think we need a break.

Crow: Agreed.

(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)

(As the bridge comes into view, we see the backs of Crow and Servo, who are standing to either side of Cambot. They are looking in open mouthed horror at Mike, who is dressed as a lumberjack, and appears to be singing the end of the lumberjack song.)

Mike: I dress in women's clothing, and hang around in baaaaaaars!!

Crow: Mike!!

Tom: What the hell are you doing?

Mike: Oh hey there boys! I just love moving a big log in the morning... (Mike bends down, and begins lifting a large log.)

Crow and Tom: Mike!!

Mike: What? I thought it would be a good time to gather some wood. Does the body good, being out in the fresh air, eh?

Crow: That wood gathering scene has turned him into a Canadian!

Tom: It's probably best to put him out of his misery then.

Gypsey: (Hurrying on screen.) Wait, there might still be a chance to save him!

Crow: Yeah, if we surround him with good American crap, he might snap out of it! (Crow pulls out a magazine, and opens it up.)

Tom: Look at this great American car Mike! The Buick LeSabre! (Mike pulls out an ax, and begins chopping at the wood, still humming the lumberjack song.)

Crow: That's not really...

Tom: Yeah. (Crow flips through the magazine some more.)

Gypsey: Ooh! How about this recipe for Rocky Mountain Oysters? (The bots look at each other for a second, then recoil in horror, and Crow throws the magazine as far as he can. Mike continues to chop at the log.)

Tom: Crow, he's still gathering wood! Make him stoooop! Waaaaah!!

Crow: Are you happy now Mike? Look, Servo's crying!

Gypsey: Poor, poor Mike. Waaah!

Crow: Mike! Now you've got them both going! (The view begins to blur as tears stream down Cambot's lens.) Oh, for crying out... (Crow thinks for a second, then has a realization. He turns back to Mike.) Hey Mike! You know what language they speak in Canada?

Mike: (Turns to look at Crow.) Why English, of course. (Goes back to logging.)

Crow: That's one of 'em, but do you know what the other one is? Do you?! Huh?

Mike: No.

Crow: Do you?!

Mike: No.

Crow: Huh?!

Mike: No.

Crow: Huh?!

Mike: No.

Crow: FRENCH!!

Mike: Aaauuuuugghhh!!! (The bridge is obscured by a smoky explosion. When the air begins to clear, Mike can be seen back in his standard blue jumpsuit. He waves the smoke aside as Gypsey and Servo stop crying.) Man, what happened?

Tom: Mike, you're back!!

Gypsey: Let us never speak of this again. (Every light on the bridge begins flashing, and it begins to vibrate.)

Mike: Whatever it was, we've got Story Sign! Let's go!


Go To Chapter 3

Return to CT Fanfic