Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #102

By Nanaki

(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike and Crow walk into the theater. Mike sets Tom in his seat, then he and Crow sit down, looking up at the screen.)

Chrono Trigger: The Lost Force Chapter 3

Gathering the Allies

By Dragoon Taryn

1001 A.D.

Magus and Taryn exited Medina Village and went to Melchoir's hut.

Mike: He has a hut now? What happened to his two story house?

Crow: (Melchior voice) I traded it in for a yurt. They're the latest rage.

"Ah, Janus! How nice to see you!" Melchoir greeted the wizard.

Tom: (Jerry Seinfeld voice) Nobody beats him.

"Melchoir, it has been awhile. This is Taryn, I was hoping you could give her a weapon."

Tom: (Melchior voice) How about...

Mike: No. Please, no.

Crow: (Melchior voice) A STAFF!!

Melchoir scratched his head. "A weapon, eh? Well, I'll have to check."

Mike: (Melchior voice) I'm a weaponsmith, for crying out loud! It's not like I just have weapons lying around!

Melchoir went into the basement, then returned a few moments later with a scythe.

Crow: DeathScythe?

Tom: No.

"This was pretty much all I could find," Melchoir told them.

"It’ll have to do," Magus replied.

Taryn took the scythe. "Are you kidding? I've always wanted to use a scythe!

Tom: (Taryn voice) I finally get to fulfill my schoolgirl dreams of decapitating most of my class!

I haven't seen one of these since my trip to the museum!"

"Ah, yes, well, be very careful with it, you wouldn't want to poke someone in the gut with it," Melchoir warned.

"I'll keep that in mind," Taryn said as she and Magus left and started heading back to the Gate.

Mike: (Melchior voice) She's not going to keep that in mind, is she?

Crow: (Magus voice) Oh no.

* * * * *

65,000,001 B.C.

Tom: So, one year before the events in the game?

Mike: Looks that way.

"Do you think that we can really trust this Taryn person?" Lucca asked Crono as they headed for Ioka Village.

"I think so. After all, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's not like she has any motives," Crono answered.

Tom: Unless, like 900,000 other fangirls out there, she just wants to get it on with Magus.

"How can we be sure? Maybe she came though the gate on purpose, and plans to kill us!" Lucca told him.

Crono laughed. "You're just saying that because she doesn't like you," Crono teased.

Crow: (Crono voice) Remember when we were in third grade, and you framed Skunky Beaumont for armed robbery?

Tom: (Lucca voice) Yeah...

"But, I, well," Lucca stuttered, "I don't like her either!"

"Well, don't worry about it, once we find this wizard and defeat him, she can go back to her own time," Crono reminded Lucca.

"Thank goodness," Lucca sighed.

"I figured you would be relieved," Crono remarked as they landed.

Upon entering Ayla's hut, she immediately greeted them with, "Crono, Lucca! Would love to talk, but must go, Tyrano has been acting up again."

Crow: (Ayla voice) He have part in new John Woo film.

As Ayla and Kino left the hut, Lucca turned to Crono and said, "I think that means she can't help us." Then they hopped into the Epoch and went to get Robo.

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the most pointless scene in history.

* * * * *

End of Time

"When are they going to come back? I mean, they're taking way too long," Taryn complained.

"Don't worry, they should be here soon," Marle told her.

Taryn yawned and sat down on the ground. She never liked waiting for anything. For her, it always had to happen right away.

Crow: That means she's easy!

Tom and Mike: Yeah!

Marle sat down beside Taryn. "So, what's it like in 1999 A.D.?" Marle wondered.

Crow: (Taryn voice) N*Sync and Jar Jar Binks. Be glad you're not there.

"It's fun. I watch T.V., mess around on my computer, hang out with friends. You know, fun stuff," Taryn replied, "What do you do in 1001 A.D.?"

Marle sighed. "Believe it or not, I'm a princess. It isn't very fun. I have servants and my own personal tutors. And my father doesn't like my friends."

"A princess eh? Sheesh, my parents call me a royal pain in the neck, and do you think I get any royal treatment?"

Marle stared at her. "That was a joke Marle, just a joke."

Tom: (Marle voice) Well it royally sucked!

Suddenly, they heard the Epoch pull up.

Mike: (Crono voice) Damn, the engine's acting up. There must have been a cat sleeping under the hood.

"Hey, they're back!" Marle announced, jumping to her feet.

Taryn got up too. "It's about time," she muttered.

Robo, Lucca and Crono got out of the Epoch. "We couldn't get Ayla to come,

Crow: (Crono voice) I told you she's not into guys, Lucca. You should have tried it.

she had to do something," Crono told the group.

Magus stepped forward. "Well, it doesn't matter, now we have to find this wizard."

Tom: Is it just me, or does "Find the Wizard" sound like a game at a frat party?

"Agreed. But, where shall we start?" Glenn asked.

"I think I have the answer to that," Gaspar told them, "This wizard is in 701 A.D."

Mike: But, if Gaspar knows what year the wizard is in, then he should also know where-

Crow: Mike, didn't we go through this in the last story?

Mike: Yeah, yeah. Devon's gay.

Crow: Wrong one. You're losing your touch.

Mike: Uh... Taryn's gay?

Tom: I sure hope so.

"All right, let's go!" Marle said.

"Hold on a second, I think that we should split up," Robo suggested.

"Okay, Lucca, Robo, Marle and I will take the Epoch, and Magus, Glenn and Taryn can use the Gate Key," Crono told them.

Crow: So, is there any particular reason for them to split up?

Mike: Doesn't look like it.

"But is there a Gate for 701 A.D.?" Marle wondered.

"There is now," Gaspar informed them.

Tom: (Gaspar voice) The story gods have declared it to be so.

"Good. Now, my group will search around Guardia and that area. Magus, your group can search around Choras and that area. Agreed?" Crono questioned.

Crow: (Magus voice) All right! There's this one strip club in Choras... Hoo boy! You gotta see it to believe it.

"A decent plan, but how shall we contact the other party if we do find this wizard?" Magus wondered.

"Do you guys use walkie-talkies yet?" Taryn asked the group.

"What are walkie-talkies?" Lucca inquired.

"They're like communicators. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Walkie-talkies have a short range. They would be useless," Taryn commented.

Mike: (Crono voice) So in other words, you just wasted our time.

"Well, if you have them in 1999 A.D., then they would have made a more advanced version by 2301 A.D. Isn't that right Robo?" Lucca asked the robot.

"That is correct. We do have such devices," Robo replied,

Tom: (Lucca voice) Then we will put all of our efforts into finding your device!

Crow: (Robo voice) Excuse me?

"In fact, I could go get a few of these devices and then we should depart for our journey."


So the group waited for a few minutes as Robo went back to 2301 A.D. Soon he returned with the communicators and handed one to Taryn. "Now we can contact each other once we have found this wizard," Robo announced.

Tom: (Robo voice) I ripped these off from Radio Shack, so they'll probably be after us...

As Crono's party boarded the Epoch, Magus' group went though the Gate to 701 A.D.

Mike: Well, that was a big Chapter O' Nothin.

Crow: Well, at least something has to happen soon.

Tom: Don't be too sure. Remember "Starfighters?"

Mike and Crow: Oy.


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