Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #102

By Nanaki

Chrono Trigger: The Lost Force Chapter 4

A Meeting With the Dark Wizard

By Dragoon Taryn

701 A.D.

The Epoch blasted into 701 A.D., right above Guardia Castle. "Wow, I wonder which of my ancestors is living there now?" Marle wondered.

Crow: Probably, King Guardia the XXVI... ICV... WXZ... Ah, forget it.

"Well, why don’t we go find out? Maybe they have seen the wizard," Crono suggested.

Mike: (Crono voice) We should start a national campaign! I can see the flyers now: "Have you seen the wizard?"

"Oh, that’s great! Thank you Crono!" Marle exclaimed as she gave him a big kiss on the

Mike: No.

Crow: We didn't say anything!

Mike: Nevertheless, no.


Crono blushed. "Cut it out Marle, I’m trying to drive!"

Tom: (Marle voice) Pull up! Pull up! Aaauuugh!!

They landed in front of the castle and went inside. "Halt, who goes there?" the guards demanded, then had stunned looks on their faces. "Queen Leene! We are very sorry! Please enter."

Mike: And the fact that Leene would be at least 130 years old at this point doesn't seem to bother anyone...

"That is quite all right, just be sure that it doesn’t happen again," Marle said, trying to sound like royalty.

Tom: So, she talks with a speech impediment from all the inbreeding?

"Of course your Highness," the guards replied.

As they walked into the throne

Crow: Crono broke his leg.

room, Marle giggled. "I had them fooled, didn’t I?" Marle asked the others.

"You certainly did," Robo agreed.

In the throne room, King Guardia and Queen Leene were

Tom: Making the beast with two backs.

discussing the recent destruction of Dorino Village.

"How could this have happened?" Leene sobbed.

Crow: Well, the fact that you're 130 years old might have something to do with it.

"I have no idea, dear Leene. All I know is that some man wearing a hood burst into the Inn,

Mike: (King Guardia voice) He shouted, and I quote: "Boogie boogie boogie!!"

demanding to know where their most powerful

Crow: Staff.

wizard was. When they said they didn’t have a

Crow: Staff

wizard, he

Crow: Whipped out a dil-

Mike: No.

completely totaled the town," King Guardia calmly told her.

They then noticed that they had company. "You! Who are you, and how did you get in here?" King Guardia demanded.

Marle stepped forward. "We’re very sorry for busting in on you like this, but we’re looking for a wizard with a lot of power."

Tom: (Magus voice) Hellooooo! Powerful wizard, right here!

King Guardia sighed. "That would be the wizard who destroyed Dorino Village."

Mike: Nikades?

Crow: Gaspar? Thiek?

"We heard. Do you know where he went?" Crono asked.

"Some survivors told us that he headed East, either to Porre or Choras," Leene informed them.

Crow: Wow, he must be powerful, since Porre is directly south.

"Thank you, your Highness. We’ll be on our way now," Lucca said as they left the castle.

Once outside, Marle exclaimed, "Did you hear that? The wizard is heading right towards Glenn and the others!"

"Don’t worry Marle. They’re all strong, they can handle him," Crono soothed her.

Crow: By using his-

Mike: No.

"In the meantime, we should call them with the communicator," Lucca suggested.

"Good idea," Robo agreed as he pulled out the communicator. "Robo to Taryn, Robo to Taryn. Are you there Taryn?"

Crow: (Taryn voice) Well, physically, yes...

A bunch of static answered, followed by Taryn’s voice. "Yeah, I read you Robo. What’s going on? Did you find the wizard?"

"We didn’t find the wizard, but we

Tom: (Robo voice) Got this cool novelty hat. It says "Pobody's Nerfect." It's clever, just like you.

know where he is," Robo replied.

Taryn voice came on again. "That’s great! Where is he?"

Tom: The wizard is... inside the house!

"He’s heading your way, towards Choras," Robo informed her.

"Really? Thanks Robo, we’ll let you know when we find him. Taryn, over and out."

Crow: Did she just "out" herself?

Mike: I don't think so.

Robo put the communicator away. "Well, we should check out Porre first, then head to Choras."

"Agreed," Marle, Lucca and Crono said together.

So they started towards Porre.

Crow: I don't suppose there's any chance of the Matuyama clan showing up, is there?

Mike: No.

Crow: I thought not.

* * * * *

Magus, Glenn and Taryn emerged for the Gate to end up on the North Cape where Toma’s grave was. "Well, we’re here. Where should we start looking?" Taryn wondered.

Glenn looked out at the ocean. "Probably Choras."

Tom and Crow: No Sh-

Mike: No.

"I agree," Magus told Taryn.

Suddenly, the communicator beeped. Taryn pulled it off her belt and turned it on.

Tom: (Communicator voice) Oooooooooohhhhhh yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh...

"Robo to Taryn, Robo to Taryn. Are you there Taryn?" Robo’s voice asked.

"Yeah, I read you Robo. What’s going on? Did you find the wizard?" Taryn asked.

Crow: Hey, hey, HEY! We just did this!

Mike: I'm starting to think that this author is out to get us.

Tom: If they can do it, so can we!

"We didn’t find the wizard, but we

Tom: (Robo voice) Got this cool novelty hat. It says "Pobody's Nerfect." It's clever, just like you.

know where he is," Robo’s voice answered.

"That’s great! Where is he?" Taryn demanded.

Tom: The wizard is... inside the house!

"He’s heading your way, towards Choras," Robo’s voice replied.

"Really? Thanks Robo, we’ll let you know when we find him. Taryn, over and out." Taryn said, then she turned the communicator off.

Crow: Did she just "out" herself?

Mike: I don't think so.

"Okay guys, Robo said that the wizard was heading towards Choras, so we should look there," Taryn told the group.

"Sound like a decent plan," Magus agreed, so they headed towards Choras.

Mike: It's not a plan! It's a solution so obvious, a four year old would do it!

Once in Choras, they went into the Inn and asked the people if they had seen a strange man who looked like wizard.

Tom: Everyone pointed at Magus.

"Oh yeah, I saw a guy like that," one man told them, "He was looking for a wizard or something, then headed towards that knight guy’s grave. Does that help?"

"Yes it does, thank you," Magus told the man.

They exited the Inn and headed towards Cyrus’ grave. "Why on earth would the wizard want to go to a grave?" Taryn wondered.

Crow: Necroph-

Mike: No.

"We shall find out," Glenn responded.

They got to Cyrus’ grave and enter the building. "Oh, I’m getting goose bumps," Taryn shivered, "Shouldn’t we call the others?"

"Good idea, we should do that before we go any further."

Taryn quickly called the others and told them to come to Cyrus’ grave as soon as possible. "Okay, let’s go."

As they ventured deeper into the building, Taryn could sense an evil force. And it was getting stronger with each step they took.

Crow: The evil obviously hadn't bathed lately.

"Uh, guys? I’m getting a really bad feeling about this."

Suddenly, a figure appeared and slashed Glenn across the chest. "Ah!" Glenn screamed in pain, then fell to the ground.

Crow: Wuss.

"Glenn!" Taryn shouted as she tried to run to his side, but Magus held her back.

"No Taryn! If you try to help him, you could be injured as well!"

Mike: Boy, team leaders in this world just love to let Glenn have the crap beat out of him...

Magus told Taryn, then to the mysterious figure, "Who are you? Show yourself, you coward!"

The figure stepped out of the shadows. Taryn gasped. It was a man who had long white hair, and a scar running down the right side of his pale face.

Tom: Boy, Yamcha didn't age well, did he?

Mike: Sad...

He wore a long, hooded cape, and was holding a staff

All: Uh oh...

encrusted with a crystal on the tip.

All: NOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

"Hello good sir, dear lady. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Zovak, a very powerful

Crow: Vacuum cleaner!

wizard. You are no match for me," he told them.

"What makes you think so?" Magus demanded.

Zovak laughed. "I have gathered the energy from every powerful person in the world. Well, almost every person. There is one person I cannot find,

Tom: (Zovak voice) J.D. Salinger.

and they have the most powerful energy ever, even more powerful than all my combined power. But soon I will have their power, and no one will be able to stop me."

"Want to make a wager on that?" a voice asked, then Crono came out of the shadows and swung his sword at Zovak. Zovak blocked the blow with his staff, then shoved Crono aside.

Tom: A sword and staff colliding. Wow, I wonder what that could be symbolic of.

"Fools! You think you can stop me? Don’t make me laugh!"

As Marle ran to help Glenn, Magus started to cast Dark Matter. He then hurled the Black magic at Zovak, which struck him in the chest. Zovak fell to the ground, gasping for breath.

Mike: (Zovak voice) Please... you need to change my bag...

"You," Zovak gasped, "It’s you! You have the most powerful energy!"

"Uh-oh, this guy means business. Come on Magus!" Taryn shouted.

Mike: (Magus voice) No! Do NOT come on Magus!

Robo picked up Glenn, then they all ran out of the building. "You cannot escape me!" they heard Zovak yell.

"Quick Marle! Cast Ice2 and block the entrance!" Lucca urged.

Marle quickly cast Ice2, and sealed the entrance with a thick sheet of ice. "Phew, I’m glad we escaped," Marle sighed.

Tom: (Marle voice) If that castle doesn't have any windows, that should hold him for two minutes. We're completely safe.

"That wizard means business. Hey, is Glenn okay?" Taryn asked Robo.

Robo shook his head. "I managed to heal his wound, but he’s still in bad shape. Perhaps we should bring him to the End of Time."

Crow: (Robo voice) Because, as we all know, Gaspar is a licensed MD.

"All right. Magus, Taryn and Marle, you can use the Gate Key. The rest of us will use the Epoch," Crono told them.

So as Crono, Robo, Glenn and Lucca boarded the Epoch, Taryn, Magus and Marle headed towards the North Cape.

Tom: So... It basically ends just like the last chapter.

Crow: Woo hoo. Let's get out of here.

(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)

(As Cambot pans back, Crow can be seen. He is sporting a handlebar mustache, and is dressed in a cheesy checkered suit from the '70s. He is slowly pushing a vacuum cleaner back and forth. Mike and Tom walk onto the bridge.)

Tom: Oh, this isn't gonna be good for anybody.

Crow: (Radio announcer voice) Greetings, gentlemen! Would you be interested in seeing a demonstration of the amazing new Zovak 2000?

Mike: Do we have a choice?

Crow: No! The Zovak 2000 is the best vacuum cleaner money can buy! It's vacuum cleaner perfection! In fact, compared to the Zovak 2000, perfection is crap!

Tom: So, what does it do that makes it so perfect?

Crow: The Zovak 2000 has the most powerful engine of any vacuum cleaner ever built! Just look how fast it sucks up these balls!

Tom and Mike: Augh!! (Crow rolls a handful of superballs across the bridge, then turns the Zovak 2000 on, and quickly sucks them all up.)

Crow: You think that was impressive?

Mike: Well not impressive so much as distur-

Crow: Well you haven't seen anything yet! Just watch how easily it sucks up these staves!!

Tom and Mike: Aaaauuuuggggghhh!!! (Crow reachs down, and scatters a dozen four foot long staves across the bridge. He turns the Zovak back on, and vacuums up the end of the first one. It doesn't go in any farther, and the vacuum starts making a high pitched, whining noise.)

Crow: Just hold on a minute here... (Crow begins fiddling with the vacuum. Then, the Zovak's high pitched whine stops, and a second later, the vacuum explodes. Superballs begin zooming across the bridge at high speeds, accompanied by a cloud of dust.)

Tom: My God, we'll be balled to death!!

Mike: (Holding up an arm to ward off the balls) So Crow, what have we learned from this?

Crow: Don't try to vacuum up a staff immediately after you vacuum superballs?

Mike: Ah, close enough. (Then, the bridge begins shaking, and every light flashes.) We've got Story Sign! We'll have to clean up later! (Mike rushes into the theater, and the bots follow.)


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