Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000: Episode #102

By Nanaki

Chrono Trigger: The Lost Force Chapter 6

To Bait a Wizard

By Dragoon Taryn

The End of Time

"So, how should we do this exactly?" Taryn asked Crono.

Tom: (Crono voice) Not in front of Marle!

Crono scratched his head. "Well, we should go in groups of two, hide around where Magus will be, and when Zovak shows up, POW! Bye, bye Zovak!"

Crow: (Crono voice) We're going to confuse him to death with wacky sound effects from the old Batman TV show!

"Very nice explanation Crono," Lucca remarked.

"At least you understood what he said," Taryn shot back.

Lucca quickly became angry. "Why, oh why, do you have to insult everything I say?" Lucca demanded.

Tom: (Taryn voice, mumbling) I'd like to call her something that rhymes with "bitch." Oops!

"Cut it out!" Marle told the both of them.

Robo spoke up. "If we are traveling in groups of two, who will be traveling together? To be more precise, who will be who's partner?"

Mike: Oh, this is gonna get ugly.

"Well, Marle can come with me,

Crow: What a surprise.

Tom: I thought she already did, anyway.

Lucca can go with Taryn, and Robo, you can be one your own since Glenn hasn't fully recovered yet," Crono suggested.

"Wait a minute here. You expect me to go with that walking computer? No way Jose," Taryn decided firmly.

"Walking computer?! Well, I don't want to go with that bratty, big mouthed, bad dressed boy," Lucca fired at her.

"Bad dressed? Look at you! Who wears a headset anyway?" Taryn muttered.

Tom: Air traffic controllers, radio DJs, those guys in the pit crew of car races who don't seem to do anything, but get paid anyway...

Marle sighed. "Lucca, I'll go with you, Crono can go with Taryn."

Crow: (Crono voice) Hot damn! I mean, uh...

"Why do I have to go with Taryn?" Crono wondered.

Tom: (Taryn voice) Nice save.

"Oh for crying out loud, if nobody wants to go with me, I'll go alone! There, is everybody happy?" Taryn demanded.

"You can't go alone, you're the youngest one here!" Lucca snidely reminded her.

Tom: (Lucca voice) And Robo is the oldest one here! Take that!

"And the bravest, smartest, not to mention toughest," Taryn shot back.

Magus, who had been standing off to the side, stepped in. "How about you guys settle this by chance?"

"You mean, like a coin toss? I've got a coin," Taryn told him, pulling a quarter out of her pocket and then handed Magus the coin.

Crow: (Magus voice) Okay guys, from now on, let's not carry Monopoly money around.

Magus examined the coin, then said, "Okay, I'll toss the coin. If it lands 'the moose' side up, Taryn goes with Marle. If it lands 'the woman' side up, Taryn goes with Crono. Any questions?"

Mike: Where the hell did you find a quarter with a moose and a woman on it?

Tom: (Boris Badinov voice) Why not moose and squirrel?

They all shook their heads, and Magus threw the coin in the air. It bounced a couple times, then landed on the ground.

Mike: How did it bounce before it touched the ground?

Tom: Introducing the amazing new anti-gravity coin! Brought to you by Nikola Tesla Inc.

Everyone looked down at the coin. It seemed that Taryn would be going with...

Crow: That was the most blatantly obvious tension builder I've ever seen.

Tom: Yeah... except that I don't feel any tension.

* * * * *


"An ambush plan?" Dalton asked in disbelief, "That's what those brats are planning?"

Mike: (Dalton voice) They're planning a plan? I'll get those plan planning planners!!

"I could hardly believe it myself. Ambushes never work on me," Zovak boasted.

"Sure they don't.

Crow: (Dalton voice) Except for that time in second grade when Skunky Beaumont and his friends pantsed you, then dragged you around the track.

Tom: (Zovak voice) Shut up!

But anyway, how did you find this out?" Dalton wondered.

Zovak waved the question away. "It doesn't matter how I found out,

Crow: (Zovak voice) The story gods deemed it to be so, all right?!

what matters is that we have to turn this ambush around."

Mike: (Zovak voice) If you kids don't quiet down, I'm turning this ambush around right now!

"I see. What's the plan brother?" Dalton asked with an evil smile.

"It's quite simple. I'll go try and kidnap Magus, then when those kids jump out to save him, you can attack them," Zovak explained.

Mike: Is it just me, or are they ALL morons?

Tom: It's not just you.

"Wait an minute, did you say kidnap? I thought you were going steal Magus' powers," Dalton told him, confused.

"Fool! It takes more than a few seconds to steal someone's powers. We need to kidnap him first."

"Are you sure he's the right guy? What if you're wrong?" Dalton pressed.

Mike: (Zovak voice) Then I'll wear my ass as a hat.

Tom: (Dalton voice) I don't think that's physically possible...

"I highly doubt I'm wrong, but if he doesn't have the power I'm looking for, I cannot steal the powers he does have. That is the only flaw of my staff,"

Crow: What about the oddly discolored part? (Mike vomits)

Zovak admitted, "But enough about that. Now, on to the plan..."

* * * * *

601 A.D.

"I honestly don't see why we can't just bust in on Zovak and company, then blow them all

Mike: Because this is a family web page, missy!

to hell," Taryn complained.

Crono glanced at Taryn. Why did he have to get stuck with her as his ambush partner? They had all decided to partner up as they waited for Zovak to show up. Except for Magus, of course. He was standing on a cliff, trying to act like he was there for the hell of it.

Crow: He was leaning on a "No Loitering" sign.

The others were in hiding, waiting for Zovak to appear.

Tom: This is the stupidest plan EVER.

Mike: Even the Entity that picked Devon, Scott, and Rich was a lot smarter than this crew.

"Does anyone else realize how pointless this is?" Magus yelled into the wind.

All: YES!!

That's how Taryn feels, Crono thought wryly. When the coin had landed 'the woman' side up, Crono partnered up with Taryn, even though he wanted to go with Marle. Now they were all in hiding, waiting for Zovak to appear.

Taryn shivered. "The black wind howls, I can feel it," she murmured.

Crow: Whoah, did this author actually engage in character development?

Crono turned to her. "What did you say?"

Taryn shook her head. "Nothing important. Don't worry about it."

Crow: I guess not.

Crono shrugged and turned his attention back to Magus. Suddenly, Zovak materialized out of nowhere and advanced towards Magus. "Show time," Crono whispered to Taryn.

Tom: (Taryn voice) HBO! They have more Van Damme movies!

The three groups jumped out from their hiding spots. "Hold it right there Zovak!" Taryn yelled.

Zovak quickly put Magus in a headlock and held his staff up to Magus' throat.

Crow: (Zovak voice) Back off, or I'll make him deep throat it!

Mike: (Magus voice) For the love of God, do what he says!

"I don't think so," he corrected with an evil grin.

Dalton appeared beside his brother. "Hello again. How about some fun?" he asked the group.

All: (All voices) It's that big ASS!

Then a portal opened and out stepped two Golems. "Remember these guys? Well, they want to play with you!" Dalton laughed.


Taryn charged towards the Golems, her scythe raised high in the air. "Feel my wrath!" she yelled.

Just as she was about to strike one of them, Dalton shot a Lightning bolt at her, making her fly across the ground. "Now, now, it's not nice to try and hurt your playmates," Dalton scolded.

Crow: This scene is so disturbing, on so many levels...

Crono stepped forward. "You'd better think again Dalton! Come on guys!" The rest of the group charged towards the Golems.

The battle was ferocious. The Golems weren't that strong, but everything that was thrown at them, they mimicked and threw back.

Mike: Including a banana cream pie, for some reason...

Then Dalton joined the fight, engaging in a magic battle with Lucca and Marle. By the time the Golems were finally defeated, most of the group collapsed, exhausted.

"Hmm, not too bad. But you will never defeat us! Come Dalton!"


Zovak called to his brother, then waved his hand and a huge portal appeared. "So long, but we shall meet again!"

"I don't think so pal! You're not getting away that easily!" Taryn shouted as she quickly casted Lightning and shot it at Zovak.

Zovak quickly raised his staff, which caught the lightning in the crystal.

Mike: (Zovak voice) Aaaauuuuugggghhhhh!!! Holy crap!!

"Nice try little girl, but it'll take more than that!" Then Dalton and Zovak dragged Magus into the portal and it closed.

"MAGUS!" Taryn screamed, then fainted and fell to the ground.

Tom: (Taryn voice) From out of nowhere, I suddenly care about someone! Go figure.

(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)

(As Cambot arrives on the bridge, Crow and Tom are crouched on the counter. Crow has his arms forward, looking ready to grapple. Tom's arms are, of course, hanging motionless at his side, but his body is leaning forward. Mike walks out of the theater.)

Mike: Uh... Okay. Guys, what's going on? (Crow and Tom remain motionless.) What, are you setting up some kind of ambush, like in the story? (No motion from Tom or Crow.) Look, guys, the nature of an ambush dictates that you be hidden while waiting for your prey to arrive... (Still nothing.) What, is it something else then? Pretending to be statues? Frozen in time? Just frozen? (Nothing. Gypsey walks onto the bridge.)

Gypsey: Mike, what's going on?

Mike: I have absolutely no idea. (They both stare at the other two bots for a minute. Soft whirring noises from the Satellite of Love machinery can be heard in the background.)

Gypsey: So...

Mike: Yeah. What's been going on with you lately?

Gypsey: I had a burrito for lunch.

Mike: Oh! Well, was it good?

Gypsey: Not really. (Silence reigns again.)

Mike: Well, it's probably about time for...

Gypsey: Story sign, yeah. (Gypsey leaves the bridge. Mike walks back over to Crow and Tom.)

Mike: Guys? (He waves a hand in front of Crow's face. His eyes don't move. Suddenly, the bridge starts to shake, and all the lights flash.) Ah well, we've got Story Sign.

(Mike begins walking back into the theater. However, when he steps into the spot where Crow and Tom's line of sight intersects, they both jump at him. The three collapse to the ground, where tearing and punching sounds quickly follow. Shreds of Mike's jumpsuit start to fly.)

Mike: Augh! Sweet, merciful Magillicuddy!

Crow: Hee hee! Our ambush worked like a charm!

Tom: I know! What a sucker! (In a last, desperate move, Mike breaks free of the bots, and runs into the theater. They quickly give chase, and Cambot follows them in.)


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