Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000 Episode #103:

The Sword of Zeal: The Lost Chapters

Part 1

By Nanaki

Story of The Spy

Part 4: The Briefing of a lifetime

By MH-001

June 20th, 1999

Tom: The high school bullies followed that up with the debriefing of a lifetime, followed by the dreaded Rear Admiral.

Grad Night. Devon walked in with his date, Arielle (Flux, I bet that’s where he got that character’s name, too)

Mike: Just how stupid is The Spy?

everything was great, they had a cake, a great DJ,

Tom: (DJ voice) Yo yo yo! I'm Kid Shazaam! Now getcho hands in the air and shake some boo-tay!

great music, the gym floor was waxed up just for the dance,

Crow: Tragically, over 100 students suffered broken legs that night.

everything was perfect.

“This Kicks ass!” Arielle said, as she looked around. Devon fixed his tie.

Mike: (Devon voice) "Kicks" with a capital K? Jeez, even your swears are square.

“Yeah, but the thing I like about tonight is your ass in that tight dress.” Devon replied. Arielle laughed and gave him a small punch on the arm.

Crow: (Arielle voice) Oh you! I'll be suing you for sexual harrassment now. See you in court.

He smiled and they continued their stroll around the Gym.

Tom: (Southern Devon voice) Ah declayah, I certainly do enjoy mah evenin' gym constitutional.


Grad Night. At Jeremy’s house.

“Is everything ready?” Jeremy asked one of the people around the table.

Crow: (Mysterious person voice) For the millionth time, yes, the food is ready! Hurry up and eat, you blockhead!

“Yes. This’ll be the biggest practical joke you’ll EVER pull, so you must be ready, Jeremy.” He replied. Jeremy nodded. The boy pointed to a map of the school gym. “You will come in through the back entrance, here.”

Tom: Well, they sure picked the right guy for this job.

Crow: Yeah, no one knows more about going in through the back door than Jeremy.

His finger came down on the map. “You will have a bag of those “Sneaker Balls” the things that you put in your shoes to stop them from smelling, even though the scent they emit smells worse than the sneakers. You will make your way across the stage, behind the DJ table, when he takes his washroom break at 9:30 PM.”

Tom: (DJ voice) Yo yo yo! Kid Shazaam don't take no "washroom break!"

His finger moved across the map. “After you make it past there, go behind stage and down the stairs. You will reach the closed off end of the food table. The table has a hole in it, because the cake is hollow, and there are tee shirts in it, for all the graduates.

Mike: Hey hey HEY! They're playing with the laws of nature here! A cake is either filled with cake, or a naked woman! One or the other! That's it!

You will remove the platter, take out the tee shirts, and replace them with the sneaker balls, with the Smell at maximum capacity.”

Jeremy Blinked. “What good will that do? All it’ll accomplish will the stinking up of the place.”

“Arielle, a girl on the other team, will be taking off the top

All: Oh yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!

of the cake,

All: Nuts.

and presenting the tee shirts. You will use this string and rig the balls

Mike: Hachi machi!

so that all the smell will be released as soon as the cake top is taken off.” The boy said. He checked his watch. “It’s 9:00. You’d better get over there.”

“Okay, I will.” Jeremy grabbed the bag of sneaker balls, and the string. But, as he was about to leave, the phone rang. Jeremy picked it up.

Crow: No, you're only supposed to pick up- No, you've got it all wro- No, just- Just the receiver, dumbass!!

“Hi!” The voice at the other end said. Jeremy swore to himself. He had forgotten all about Amanda! “Is something wrong Jeremy?”

Tom: (Jeremy voice) I'm not at liberty to say, but it does have something to do with balls and string.

“No, no not at all!” Jeremy hastily replied.

“Okay, then, I’ll see you there! Bye!” Amanda hung up before Jeremy could explain. He couldn’t let her down, she sounded so excited. Jeremy walked up the stairs to his room. He reached for his night table, and picked up a remote control. With a click of a few buttons, the TV turned on, and a James Bond movie started playing. The theme song played as Jeremy reached into his closet. He pulled out a Tuxedo, and put it on.

Mike: (Jeremy voice) I'll show all those people who laugh at me when I say I'm Tuxedo Mask! I'll show them all.

He hid the sneaker Balls and the string in his inside jacket pocket, with the smell doors on the balls closed. He fixed his tie and left the house, to begin walking to the Grad.


Story of The Spy

Part 5: Arming the ultimate stink bomb

By MH-001

June 20th, 1999

Crow: Well, it sounds like this chapter might have been good, but the author just left us with such an ambiguous title...

Jeremy snuck around the school, in the dark. He looked at his watch, with the IndiGlo on, 9:25. He had to get in there, fast! Jeremy ran around the corner, and into the school. He ran through the halls, almost knocking over Mr. Anderson, who was cleaning out his classroom, because he was retiring.

Tom: And not by choice either.

Crow: (Mr. Anderson voice) 30 years of babysitting these bullet-headed morons, and this is the thanks I get...

“Oops, sorry, Mr. A, I’m in a hurry.” Jeremy quickly apologized.

“It’s all right, Jeremy, Just don’t run in the halls again!” Mr. Anderson yelled to the Teen, who was already sprinting down the hall and around the corner. He sighed. “These kids, today….”

Mike: (Mr. Anderson voice) Using their legs to move at a gait faster than walking... Ah, what're you gonna do?

Jeremy sprinted around the corner, and jumped down a flight of stairs.

Crow: His femur snapped like an eggshell, and he lay in pain for 14 hours before the morning janitor stumbled across him.

He hurt his legs on impact, but didn’t have time to notice it as he tore the door open and burst into the empty hallway. He ran, and turned the corner, only to bump into one of his friends.

“What are you doing?” she said, “Get down to the Dance!!!”

Tom: (Girl voice) Get down and get funkay!

“I don’t know where the dance is being held!!!!” Jeremy replied, breathing heavily.

“ Oh for…” The girl looked at Jeremy. “It’s being held in the gym.” Jeremy looked at his watch. 9:28.

“ I don’t have time to make it to the gym from here! It’s on the other end of the School!” Jeremy cried.

Mike: (Jeremy voice) Please ignore the fact that there should be no reason for me to have any sort of time limit!

The girl opened up a window, onto the roof.

Crow: (Girl voice) Here, jump off and end your miserable existence, you little freak.

“Look, on the roof, some repairmen were working on the vents, right?”

“Yeah. Stupid workers, they left the vent open, too.”

“This school is REALLY old, and the vents are big enough for one person easily. Go on the roof, and go in the vent, it should lead you straight to the Stage. From there, it’s just a stone’s throw away to the Gym.” The girl helped him up onto the roof.

Tom: (Girl voice) Now to turn on the heaters while he's in there...

“Thanks.” Jeremy said as she closed the window. He pulled out his walkie-talkie. “Hello?” He said into the speaker.

“MH-001?” A voice crackled from the other end. “What are you doing?” Jeremy started to sprint towards the vent that was open.

“I have no idea,

Mike: Ah, honesty at last.

but I’m going into the vent on the roof, it should take me straight to the gym.” Jeremy jumped in the vent as he talked.

“What? How did you… why? Never mind, you can explain everything later. Just hurry up. Where do you think you’ll come out?” The other end asked.

“Well, the only vent near the Gym is on the stage, overlooking the gym (our gym is also equipped as an auditorium.)”

Crow: Well that must come in handy for basketball recitals and violin matches.

Jeremy crawled faster and faster through the vents.

“I think I’m getting close… the music is really starting to blare.” Jeremy said into the WT.

“Wait… the vent on the stage has a big drop from the ceiling, Jeremy!” The boy’s voice crackled on the WT. “Jeremy?” He heard a loud crash from the other end.

Mike: (Jeremy voice) Augh! I'm lucky no one noticed that fall.

Tom: (Voice of girl in the crowd) Oh, we noticed. We just don't care.

“I found it.” Jeremy barked beck,

Crow: (Jeremy voice) Beck, you little loser! Shave off those 8th grade sideburns!

rubbing his head. He looked to his left, and saw The DJ table. It was 9:30, and the DJ just got up for his break.

Tom: (Kid Shazaam voice) Yo yo yo! I gotta drain Little Shazaam!

Jeremy hid behind a background for a play the drama club did last month.

Mike: Which, of course, no one bothered to clean up for the dance.

The DJ didn’t notice him as he walked by.

Tom: (Kid Shazaam voice) Yo yo- augh! I think this one's gonna be a photo finish...!

“He’s gone! Crawl behind the table, because the sheets over the table will conceal you!" Jeremy took off on his hands and knees.

Crow: A position he truly has some expertise in.

“I’m on the other side.” Jeremy puffed.

Mike: (Sean "Puffy" Combs voice) Uh oh, two guys just got shot over here. I don't know how it happened! I don't own a gun! I haven't even seen the movie "Top Gun!"

“Good, now, to your left, there should be a set of stairs. Go down them, and out the door.” The instructions came from the other end. Jeremy ran down the stairs. He peeked around the corner. “Open that door, and duck, because the door is right beside the food table. Crawl under the table and close the door.” Jeremy ducked and slowly opened the door. He saw a teacher at the able, so he quickly closed it.

“Mr. Taylor is at the table!!!” Jeremy whispered into the WT.

Tom: (Tim Taylor voice) Today on Tool Time, Al will be testing out our new nuclear powered nail gun.

Mike: (Al Borlen voice) I don't think so Tim.

“ Okay… okay… Go, he’s gone!” The voice said. Jeremy re-opened the door, crawled under the table, and looked at the undersides for the table with the hole. He found it, and pulled the tray of tee shirts out. He took the tee shirts off, set them aside, and rigged the cake top to explode with SMELL when it was taken off.

Crow: It looks like SMELL is an anagram for something.

Mike: Oh... now I know what you guys are going to spend the next three hours doing.

“Okay, It’s done! Let’s get out of here!” Jeremy barked into the WT. Jeremy crawled out from under the table, and into the hallway beyond the gym. He passed the stairs to the stage, and turned the corner. He ran into Amanda. “Uh… Hi, Amanda! Sorry I’m late!” He said while helping her up.

“It’s alright, I’m kinda late myself.”

Tom: (Jeremy voice) I think I just wet myself. Please tell me I misheard you...

Amanda said, whiping the mild case of dust off her butt.

Crow: What the...

Tom: Hell?

Mike: Ah, there's that good ol' Spy surrealism.

“Anyway, I’m sorry, but I can’t go with you. I have… other plans.”

Crow: (Amanda voice) Alimony, you ass! Alimony!!

“Oh… well, okay then…” Jeremy wasn’t really disappointed, it got him time to get out. “See ya.” Jeremy sprinted down the hall, and finally met up with the boy who had helped him.

“Let’s go!” Jeremy said.

“No, we’re gonna stay, at a safe distance, to watch the explosion of smell all over Arielle.

Tom: (Jeremy voice) If a mermaid getting a stink bomb in the face is your thing... Man, you have one weird fetish.

“Watch? You mean, that stuff is colored?” Jeremy looked at the boy.

“Yeah, and it’ll stink up her for at least three weeks, too!” The Boy laughed.

“What? We can’t do that!” Jeremy interjected.

Mike: (Jeremy voice) That's too horrible! We have to stop the chain of events I was perfectly willing to set in motion before I actually thought about it!

“Why not? And, what are you gonna do to stop it? Keep in mind, that I can kick you out of the group, and you WILL be a skid next year!” The boy barked.

“Screw the group, I’m going in there to stop her! I don’t give a shit about you or this damn contest anymore.” Jeremy ran in, as Arielle was about to open the fake cake. But, he didn’t make it. About 10 feet away from her, a big neon green spray whooshed out of the cake, into Arielle’s face.

Tom: Slimer had gotten out of Ghostbuster headquarters again.

A few seconds later, a horrifying stench followed the spray. Arielle ran out the front door, crying. The teachers dismissed everyone, cutting the dance early.

Crow: (School principal voice) Someone refresh my memory. Exactly why did we think a fake cake full of T-shirts would be a good idea?


Story of The Spy

Part 6: The final battle?

By MH-001

June 20th, 1999

There was big crowd of people outside the school gym, many stuck there because they had to wait 3-4 hours for a ride home.

Crow: (Jock voice) I can't figure out how to dial the phone...

There was lots of chatter going about, as most people milled in two distinctive groups. The two groups at war. Finally one person came out of a group. Everyone fell silent as they saw who it was. Devon.

Mike: (Student voice) Oh shit, I hope he doesn't read us more of his awful story...

“Jeremy,” He began, “I know it was you.”

The other group parted, revealing Jeremy. “What ARE you talking about?”

“Did you happen to notice the laundry basket, in the Rec room, the night I went on the Icy chat?”

Tom: (Devon voice) Because some of my boxers had some... uh... soilage, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone...

Although almost no one in either of the groups knew what the two were talking about, Jeremy remembered that night. Yes, there was a laundry basket in the room.

“I thought you were doing something to my stories, so I pretended to go to see Mom, and rigged a video camera in the basket, at an angle so it was a full zoom in on the screen of the PC.

Crow: (Devon voice) This was, of course, much easier than actually reading the stories to see if you'd done anything.

I realized that you, in fact, WERE altering my stories, and I also caught the chat on tape.“

Mike: Someone might want to tell this boy about a little thing called "logging."

Devon said with a smirk. “I also know that you were planning to write a story under the name “MH-001” for the same page, after you crushed my chance to get on the same page in the first place.”

“How did you find out? I mean, how did you get the video? You WERE gone all night.” This bewildered Jeremy, that Devon could take his plan, and foil it, plus take him out at the same time.

Tom: Personally, I prefer plastic wrap for my plans, rather than foil.

Devon chuckled to himself. “Why do you think Amanda came over that night?” Jeremy’s mouth hung open, as Amanda emerged from the back of the group.

Crow: (Jeremy voice) You are such a whore!

She laughed a bit. “Really, Jeremy, you’re far too trusting. I was working for Devon all along, just to get your team to lose.” She smirked as Jeremy looked at both of them with unimaginable rage.

“What’s wrong?” Devon pooh-poohed at him,

Mike: (Jeremy voice) Dude! Does mom need to put you back in diapers?

“Mad that your little plan never worked out? Well, listen.” He almost whispered the next part, “It never even stood a chance of succeeding, against someone like me and the plan I did to stop yours.” Devon smirked at him again, and laughed some more. He turned to walk away, but Jeremy had other plans.

Jeremy took off after him, getting him in a tackle that took them both to the ground.

Crow: (Devon voice) You are so gay!

Devon flipped him off of him, and got up. They started to use the moves they had learned in the eastern art of fighting, with chops and high kicks, and the like.

Mike: Yes, that eloquent description clearly shows that they are, in fact, martial arts experts.

Crow: Why do I get the feeling that the "eastern art of fighting" is a Jackie Chan movie filmed in New York?

Devon delivered a barrage of chops and punches, which Jeremy easily blocked.

They were both at the same skill level in any type of training, and they both had the same amount of muscle and speed, so they were evenly matched. They were both fighting, with fast hand movements, speedy kicks, and sometimes the crowd that had gathered couldn’t follow their attacks. Jeremy went for a fast twisting kick, but Devon caught his foot. Jeremy smiled, and with his other foot, jumped off the ground and kicked him, taking them both down.

Tom: Now from that, I'd say the movie they learned from was Ninja Turtles 2.

Crow: Which, incidentaly, was set in New York.

Jeremy quickly sprang up before Devon, and just as Devon got up, he sprung a devastating high kick, knocking him down again. Jeremy moved his fist into the chamber position,

All: Augh!

Mike: Do any of you know what the "chamber position" is?

Tom: No, but I'm afraid anyway.

and looked at the fallen Devon.

Devon laughed, “ You actually think I was using everything I’ve got against you? I’m just playing around.” Devon flipped back up, and went after Jeremy. This time Jeremy couldn’t block, as Devon was moving much faster than he was.

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present: "Dragon Ball Canada."

? * * *

“And let that be a lesson to you, brother.” Devon looked at Jeremy’s crumpled body on the cement. Devon and Amanda walked off, along with the rest of the group. Jeremy’s group didn’t bother to help him, because during the fight, The Boy told everyone what he did.

Crow: The Spy just got beat up and publically humiliated, at the same time!

All: Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Jeremy quickly assessed the situation after everyone had left. He had a bloody mouth, Numerous brouses, and a wound on his cheek. As Jeremy walked home through the rain (Just my luck that it started to rain) He thought about many things… the war, Amanda, Arielle, but most importantly, Devon. How could he stop him?

Tom: Are you kidding? If The Sword of Zeal actually taught us something, it's that anything can stop Devon!


Story of The Spy

Part 7: Not The End, more like The Beginning

By MH-001

Wednesday, 16-Aug-2000 00:20:08

Wrap-Up: And so, That's what happened.

Crow: No it isn't, you shmuck.

Nothing else really happened besides the fact that I became an Icybrian regular in the mIRC chatroom. Nothing important for the sake of the story, until sometime in May, 2000, when

Tom: (Jeremy voice) I came out of the closet.

everyone in Icy's discovered that I was The Spy (or so they thought, just cause we have the same e-mail. His, Mine, ) They gave me all this shit about me lying to them, and stuff. My friend also told them that I was The Spy, even though he didn't know better, he thought that Devon was MH-001 and I was The Spy. It's the other war around. So, now that Nanaki has this so called "Proof" (here's the proof he offered, from a post on the message board.)

Nanaki: Well, aside from the obvious ASS thing, there's a whole load of other stuff. Using Z instead of S in words like "lazer," for example. Remarkably similar character names like Kevin and Devon. MH has an unusually high interest in Reality Clash, a trait The Spy also possesses. Actions in the chat, such as "* MH-001 pulls out his SPY-o-scope." And of course, the fact that one of his friends squealed on him like a stuck pig.

Well, Nanaki, I was having fun with you guys in the chat,

Mike: Augh!

just goofing around with that capitalized ASS thing,

Crow: (British Jeremy voice) Capital ass, govnuh!

until I found you were serious. Many people spell laser "lazer", dumbass!

Tom: I think the last guy who spelled laser as "L-A-Z-E-R-D-U-M-B-A-S-S" committed suicide after the spelling bee was over.

It's a common thing! I don't have a high intrest in Reality clash, and I never noticed that The Spy ever did. Well, about the SPY-o-scope, as I said with the ASS thing, I was just having fun.

Mike: Okay, we get it! You have fun with asses!

And about my friend… well, that was explained above.

Tom: He has fun with asses too.

Anyway, this ends The Story of The Spy, however short it may seem, but it's the explanation of my being, and my framing. Now, I end this story, this chapter in my life. (actually, it's not really ended, cause the final showdown with Nanaki, the other LOF members, and most important of all, my brother, still has to happen. I'll write those chapters as they happen.) But, for now, anyway….



"Icy whipped out his staff." ~The Spy .

Crow: Oh, thank you for reminding us.

Tom: Yeah, can't let those mental scars actually heal, or anything.

Mike: Let's get out of here.

(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)

(As Mike walks onto the bridge, Crow, Tom and Gypsy are wearing black T-shirts with the logo "S.M.E.L.L." on them. Well, Gypsy's is actually more of a tube top, but what the hey.)

Mike: I have a feeling this isn't going to be pleasant.

Tom: Right you are Mike! The horrors of S.M.E.L.L. are most definitely unpleasant!

Crow: However, since the story didn't elaborate on exactly what S.M.E.L.L. is, we've each taken the liberty of inventing our own S.M.E.L.L.

Mike: Well, let's get this over with. Tom, what have you got?

Tom: (Reaches below the counter, then sets a long package wrapped in paper bags on the counter.) Well Mike, my theory is that S.M.E.L.L. stands for Suppositories More Elongated than Leonard nimoy's Larynx. (He begins to reach for the package. Mike quickly puts the package away again.)

Mike: That's okay Tom, I think I'll let my imagination do the rest. Crow?

Crow: My brand of S.M.E.L.L. is a little less random than Servo's. I believe S.M.E.L.L. stands for Stupendously Monstrous Elephant Legs on the Loose. (A trumpeting sound is heard from a distant area of the ship.)

Mike: Okay, I think we can skip your demonstration too. Gyps?

Gypsy: Well, my theory is that S.M.E.L.L. isn't an anagram at all. The less than brilliant author of the story used all caps for emphasis, and the context it was used in made it appear to be an anagram. (Silence reigns.)

Tom: Oh that doesn't make any sense!

Crow: Yeah, you're really grasping at straws there, Gyps.

Mike: (Putting an arm around Gypsy, and walking away.) I think you're on to something here. Tell me more.

Tom: (Shouting after Gypsy) Traitor!

Crow: Well Servo, it looks like you and me are the only reasonable people on this ship.

Tom: Right you are, my friend. We sane bots gotta stick together. (Suddenly, every light begins to flash, and the bridge starts shaking.)

Crow: Story Sign! (He and Tom both rush the theater door. Crow pushes Tom to the floor in his effort to get in first.)

Tom: Hey! (Servo jumps up and tackles Crow, and they proceed to fight their way into the theater.)


Part 2

Chrono Trigger Fanfic