Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000 Episode #103:

By Nanaki

(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike and Crow walk into the theater. Mike sets Tom in his seat, then he and Crow sit down, looking up at the screen.)

Sword of Zeal: The Lost Chapters

Part 11: Neo-Palace

By The Spy

Icy appeared in the new Ocean Palace. He whipped out his staff,

Crow: Must... kill... Forrester...

Mike: Yes.

and walked cautiously down the hallway in front of him. Two stone gargoyle statues suddenly came to life, and attacked Icy.

Crow: However, Icy was saved when their show got cancelled.

A bolt of white energy connected his left hand, and the tip of his staff, and out of it came a long blue blast of Ice.

Tom: We're in trouble.

The ice blasted into a gargoyle, and he fell to the ground. Icy then turned his attention towards the other gargoyle, and wacked it with his staff.

Crow: So much trouble.

There was a loud crack, and the gargoyle's head burst open. He continued down the hallway.


Meanwhile, Devon and the rest of everyone else appeared in another wing of the Neo-Palace.

Crow: "The rest of everyone else"? Where's the first faction of everyone else?

Actually, now that I notice, Devon was alone.

Mike: Now that I notice, The Spy is an even larger nimrod than I thought.

"What the hell?" Devon yelled to himself, "Where is everyone???" Devon slipped on his platinum knuckles,

Tom: (Devon Voice) Ow! Jeez, I gotta quit dropping those.

and continued to walk down through the room. He opened the door, and found himself standing in a large room. David was standing at the far wall. The door closed and locked by it's own behind Devon.

Crow: Oh, here comes the make-up sex.

"You have made it this far. A little impressive, for someone of your gayness."

Tom: (David voice) However, most gay men have larger-

Mike: No.

David waved his cape around like a mini-Magus.

Crow: (Rob Lowe voice) While you were frozen, we began efforts to clone you. He is exactly like you in every way... only 1/8th your size.

Tom: (Dr. Evil/Magus voice) I shall call him "Mini-Me!"

"But, now, it's time for you to die."

"Don't count on it." Devon charged up a lightning level three spell, but the lightning hit his platinum knuckles, and he shocked himself. "ouch."

Crow: A gayrod should know better than to tamper with lightning.

"Well, Devon... there's something you should know about me and Chris, and everyone evil here, in the Neo-Palace. Maybe it'll go better if I say it in rhyme."

Tom: Well, at this point, it really couldn't hurt.

David coughed, "We're in Team Rocket, and we fight for what's wrong! The mayhem, and madness, and rare pokemon!"

Tom: I was wrong.

Mike: Um... Ah... Augh!!

Crow: Fulabulahoolahoohahah!

Tom: I'm gonna have nightmares about this...

Devon stood there. "You mean, you're in Team Rocket?"

David laughed "Damn right!!!"

Mike: Damn left, damn it!

"Just as I thought this adventure couldn't get any weirder..." Devon mumbled

"Either way, you're toast!!!" David charged up energy.

Tom: (Devon voice) Really? I always fancied myself as more of an english muffin type...


Arielle appeared in the bottom floor of the ocean palace.

Crow: The mobsters had had her thrown into a cement mixer.

This room looks weird, Arielle thought, as she saw chains and whips and weird looking suits laying around the floor.

Tom: I'm getting a baaaaad feeling here...

She reloaded the wondershot, and searched the room. All there was were about 6 gargoyle statues. As she returned to the center of the room, the gargoyle statues came to life. She shot one square in the head, but two others grabbed her from behind. They disarmed her.

Mike: It's the Venus de Arielle.

"Hey, what're you doing???" Arielle yelled when they took her gun. They began to tear her top off. "Hey, HEY! That's not for sale!!!"

Tom: (Arielle voice) Not unless you're a member of Devon-Mart, anyway.

She began struggling violently, but the rock hard grip of the gargoyles prevented it.

Crow: He wouldn't really, would he?

She then felt a stinging sensation, as one of the gargoyle's rocky meat penetrated her.

Tom: .....

Mike: .....

Crow: .....

(After several seconds of silence, Cambot comes to the front of the theater, concerned. Crow, Tom, and Mike are all staring straight ahead, their mouths hanging open. Cambot prods Crow in the shoulder. There is no response.)


(Cut to Deep 13. Frank is staring directly into the camera.)

Frank: Hey, Clay... Come and look at this. (Dr. Forrester comes over, and peers at a monitor.)

Dr. Forrester: Hey... Could it be...? I think it is! Yes!

Frank: (Jumping up and down.) We did it! We finally did it!

Dr. Forrester: Let them out of the theater. Time for a little interview...


(Cut back to the SoL bridge. Cambot focuses on Mike, Tom, and Crow, who's expressions of pure horror have not changed since being out of the theater. Dr. Forrester's smug face appears in the hex-field view screen.)

Dr. Forrester: Well Mike, you always thought that you could quip your way out of any situation. Your wisecracking robots could withstand any kind of punishment, no matter how brutal. Well what do you have to say now?

Mike: .....

Dr. Forrester: Always making fun of my plans... Well now that my methods have been proven successful, I can rule all of humanity with bad movies! Mankind will be destroyed by its own horrible entertainment! Waaaaahahahahaha-

Tom: Don't...

Dr. Forrester: What's that, you glorified gumball machine? You don't want me to do it? Well poopie to you!

Crow: Stop...

Dr. Forrester: I don't think so, my aluminum alter ego! I plan to-

(Suddenly, Gypsy rushes onto the bridge. Music begins blaring, and a disco ball begins rotating. All the warning lights begin flashing, despite the fact that Dr. Forrester has not turned them on.)

All: (Singing) Don't stop 'til you get enough! Woo!

(In the hex-field view screen, Dr. Forrester's face goes livid, then disappears.)

Crow: It was a decent try, Dr. F, but you didn't even come close!

Tom: We survived "Monster A Go Go," "Skydivers," and every Gamera movie! Did you really think something like this was gonna do us in?

(The warning lights continue to flash, but now the music goes off.)

Mike: Well, looks like we've got story sign. Heh.

Tom: Ah, that was a classic...

(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike and Crow walk into the theater. Mike sets Tom in his seat, then he and Crow sit down, looking up at the screen.)

Jeff appeared in the Neo-palace, and saw Icy taking down a bunch of gargoyles. When he was finished, he walked up to him.

"Hey, Icy." Jeff greeted him.

Mike: (Jeff voice) It's amazing that I knew who you were, since we've never met.

"Hi, Kid."

Crow: Jeff is Schala's clone?

Tom: It all makes sense now!

Icy replied. "come on, let's go find everyone."


Magus appeared in a dark crevice,

Crow: (Agness Skinner voice) I don't want you driving through any tunnels Seymour! You know what that symbolizes!

Mike: (Seymour Skinner voice) But mother, it takes 90 minutes off my drive!

Crow: (Agness Skinner voice) No tunnels!

and looked behind him. Schala was there, ready with her ruby knife. They jumped out of the crevice, and looked down the opposite ends of the hall.

"Come on, this way! I remember the way to the main throne room!" Schala said, and waved for magus to come with him.

Tom: If a larger act of pronoun butchering has ever been committed, I haven't heard about it.

Magus floated along the ground,

Crow: Uh... That's called "lying down."

Mike: Yeah. Now if he was floating above the ground, then I'd be impressed.

as usual, and zoomed after Schala.


Crono, Rich and scott all appeared in the invisible red coloring. Rich screamed a girly scream and jumped out, while scott and Crono calmly walked out. Scott pushed the button,

Crow: (Dr. Forrester voice) Push the button, Frank.

Tom and Mike: Heeheehee!

and the falcon suit quickly "assembled" itself around him. Crono and Rich drew their swords. They quickly looked around, and discovered that there was no door in the room.

"No problem!" Scott charged up, and blasted a hole through the wall. The three continued through the hle, and discovered three gargolyes.

"Uh oh..." Crono began to shoot lightning blasts at the gargoyles, while Rich launched rocket-blades at the gargoyles. Scott, as usual, charged up hyper crush, and pretty much blew the gargolyes away.

Mike: Well, that was all very gay.

The three continued down the hall, meeting and defeating at least a million gargolyes (or, that's what it felt like)

Tom: Rich felt as though the gargoyles' rocky meat had penetrated him at least a million times!


Zeal was sitting on her throne, in the Neo-Palace, with Crono's Dad sitting in the throne beside her. Chris walked in.

Mike: (Crono's Dad voice) Um... Exactly why did we think two person toilets was a good idea?

"My Queen,

Crow: (Chris voice) I am the very model of a modern major general!

Iv'e discovered that every member of that ragtag team has made it into the neo palace." Chris announced.

"Have you dispatched anyone to meet them?" The queen ordered.

"Yes, Iv'e sent David, and an army of gargoyles." Chris replied.

"What about Metal-Icy?" Zeal asked.

Tom: (Zeal voice) Please ignore the fact that I have no idea who Icy is.

"He was destroyed back in Zeal Tower." Chris replied again.

"Well, it doesn't matter. They'll all be taken care of, if they make it to the mammon machine room." Zeal Said. Chris left.

"Heh, this'll be fun. I always wanted a piece of Crono." Crono's dad said, as he kissed Zeal.

Mike: Oh, that one was just on purpose!


Icy and Jeff continued to walk down the endless halls of the Neo-Palace.

"This is nuts! This place is INFINITY!!!" Jeff roared. The echo rang throughout the halls. Suddenly, Jeff found himself inside an empty room. He looked around, and saw his shadow on the floor. He began making various symbols with it, laughing,

Tom: Well, he's easily entertained.

until the Shadow peeled itself off of the floor. "uh oh..." The shadow began to attack Jeff.

Meanwhile, Icy was also transported into a similar room. He looked around, only finding one door. But, it was locked. He then turned around, and saw Dalton.

"Heh, yes. Well, the big ASS is back!"

All: Aaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Dalton drew his sword, and Icy pulled out his staff. Speakers in the room began blaring "To Far Away Times" "no, no no! Wrong music AGAIN!!!!" The music quickly changed to One Winged Angel. "Ah, close enough." Dalton shrugged, and attacked Icy, who blocked it with his staff.

He jumped back, and held his staff in front of him. White lightning blasted from the jem on the tip of the staff, and dalton didn't exactly block them all.

Tom: .....

Mike: .....

Crow: .....



Scot, Rich and Crono came across a teleporter. They all stepped in, and, surprisingly, they were all transported to a different place. Scott was transported to the mammon machine room, where he found Zeal.

"Heh. You wish to challenge me?" Zeal yelled.

"no, I'm just here. I'll fight anyway, though." Scott put on a cocky smile.

Tom: (Scott voice) Because I'm a violent dumbass!

"Don't count on fighting one-on-one, kid." A feminine voice said, Scott turned around, and saw Magus and Schala.


Mike: (Magus voice) All right, Homer! Jeez!

Crow: (Singing) Got my head checked, by a jumbo jet! Woo hoo!

Now, we can beat em." Scott turned his attention towards Zeal agai, and he pulled out his lightsabre.

"You DO want to fight. Behold, my pretties! Destiny, in it's most brutal form. All the dreams that might have been. All the happiness, and sorrow, you might have experienced. Gone forever! For you there will be no tomorrow!" there was a bright flash of light, and they were suddenly, floating above the planet. Zeal transformed into her big mask form, as Schala drew her knife, Magus drew his morph-o-scythe, and Scott charged up Jade Buster.

Tom: (Police officer voice) Lord Fiora, have you been flying drunk again?

Crow: (Jade Fiora voice) Naw, naw. I'm a'ight.

Tom: (Police officer voice) Sorry sir, I'm afraid I have to bust you...


Rich appeared an another empty rom,

Crow: Sonic Crackers?

Tom: Ouch.

similar to all the others. With only one locked door, as usual, and an adversary guarding at as usual. Rich gulped, and slowly stepped forward. He took a good look at the adversary, and saw that it was a metal version of himself.

"Uh oh..." They both drew their swords, and they got ready for the wussiest battle of the century.

Mike: Finally, some truth in advertising.


Crono appeared in the throne room. "hellloooo"

Tom: (Singing) Hellooooooooo...

Mike: (Singing higher) Helloooooooo...

Crow: (Singing highest) Helloooooooo...

All: Hello!

He called out. "anyone home?" Crono's Dad stepped out from behind the shadows. "Crono... I am your father!"

"You are also retarded."

Tom: (Crono's Dad voice) Well, most likely, yes.

Crono replied, "I already knew that." He drew the Rainbow. Crono's dad came over to his son.

"Crono, why don't you join us? We could rule everything! It would be like Frieza and King Cole!" Crono's Dad asked his son.

Mike: (Crono voice) Nat King Cole?

"Don't count on it, daddieo. If I'm going to do anything, it'll be taking you down."

Crow: True to his word, "Daddio" was cancelled two weeks later.


Part 3

Chrono Trigger Fanfic