Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000 Episode #103:

By Nanaki

Sword of Zeal: The Lost Chapters

(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike and Crow walk into the theater. Mike sets Tom in his seat, then he and Crow sit down, looking up at the screen.)

Part 13: The Final Battle

By The Spy

David held his hands to the sky.

Mike: (David voice) Hey God, toss me your bowling ball!

Tom: Yes!

A small pink ball appeared in it. It grew larger, and larger, and larger still, until the arced his hands down in an overhead throw, and flung the ball toward Devon.

Crow: So David is trying to ball Devon to death. Somehow, I'm not too surprised.

Devon punched the ball, and it exploded. David chuckled. But, Devon walked out of the smoke, with barely a scratch on him. Devon then held his hands togeather, and tried to use the psychic powers that magus had taught him

Tom: (Jamaican Devon voice) I predict that you will have an irresistable attraction to someone nearby.

Crow: (David voice) Are you sure?

Tom: (Jamaican Devon voice) Of course! Miss Cleo knows all!

Crow: (David voice) But your name's not Cleo... And you're not black. You don't wear leopard-spotted mumus, and you don't have a creepy voodoo thing going on-

Tom: Do shut up.

half a year back, Since Magic had almost no effect on David.

Mike: You know, while this story has certainly felt like it went on for six months, I doubt, continuity wise, that it actually did.

Tom: Mike, I think you've forgotten about last time. Continuity doesn't exist in The Spy's little head.

"Heh, what are you trying to do?" David said a few quick words, and a comet appeared, and crashed into Devon.

Crow: (David voice) Hot damn, that was cool! What are the odds that a comet would actually crash into him while I was pretending to cast a spell?

He staggered back. But, he did not stop concentrating. David pummeled him with Lightning level three. Devon was thrown to the back wall, but he didn't stop concentrating. Devon opened his eyes.

"Your turn pal." He put the palm of his left hand, on the back of his right hand, and fired a yellow psychic blast at David.

Tom: It's Zarbon!

Crow: Damn, then he really is gay.

David wasn't expecting such an attack, and didn't block.

Mike: Well, The Spy just admitted he couldn't think of any real way to end this battle.

The blast hit him square in the chest, and it pushed him back to the wall, before going through him. David collapsed, and Devon Walked up to him.

"You're not going to win, even if I die." David whispered. Devon took David's sword, and shoved it through his neck.

Tom: David must have had some ribs removed.

Mike: Ugh... Did you catch whatever disease Crow has?

Crow: Hey!

Satisfied, he left the room, to continue to the Mammon Machine.


Icy jumped over the fireball, and shot a handful of ice daggers at Dalton. Most missed, but one hit him in the shoulder. Icy landed from his jump, and smiled. Dalton got angry, and opened a portal to summon a golem.

"That's not gonna work. I've beaten those golems, and I'll beat them again." Icy said.

"Not this time, Icy." Dalton did his nerdy laugh, and looked at Icy. "Who said I was summoning a golem??"

Mike: (Icy Brian voice) The Spy did. Two paragraphs ago.

The portal became extrememly big, and a equally big creature came out.

Crow: Louie Anderson is gay?

"Holy shit." Icy stared at the big creature. It was

Tom: Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.

Bizarro Sephiroth. Icy looked through his magi cards.

Mike: (Icy Brian voice) What the hell? I can only have three Hyrens in a deck, no matter what kind they are? This sucks!

He pulled out the Ultima card, and cast Ultima on Bizarro Sephiroth. Icy seemed surprised, as BS flinched a bit,

Tom: Oh, of course, he had to abbreviate it as "BS."

Crow: Truth in advertising?

but soon retaliated with a big swat from his left limb. Icy went flying into the back wall. He got up, and tried Comet level three. The Asteroid belt began to rumble,

Tom: Because the asteroid had chili for lunch.

Crow: Heh. That's cute, there.

Mike: Yeah.

as thousands of meteors blaster BS.

Mike: A BS blaster? That must be what The Spy got shot in the head with before he wrote this.

He retaliated with yet another swat, which was all he needed to put Icy out of comission. Just when he thought it was all over, there was an explosion, and Icy's flying machine blased it's way through the wall, and crashed into BS.

Mike: Uh...

Tom: Wasn't it actually a time machi- Oh forget it. Even I don't care anymore.

"The hell is goin on???" Icy wondered. He looked at the flying machine, which was embedded into one of BS's eyes. Then, a figure clambered out. It was Icy's old girlfriend, who had recovered from the accident enough to walk. She was running towards Icy, But before she could make it, Bizarro Sephiroth swatted her, too. She went flying down the hall.

Crow: Surrealism: ten out of ten.

"Well, there goes that idea" Icy grimaced in pain. He stood up, and casted Ultima level three. The golden-holy blast blew bizarro Spehiroth away, as well as Dalton. Icy continued down towards the door, and slowly worked his way to the Mammon Machine room.

Mike: Well, that was one weird ass sequence.


Jeff battled back and forth with his own shadow. But, what was strange, was that he couldn't hit the shadow, and the shadow couldn't hit him.

Crow: So then it's pretty much a normal shadow. What's the big deal?

Then, Jeff had an idea. He searched through his backpack, and found a flashlight. He whizzed around and shined it on Shadow-Jeff. The golden light hurt Shadow-Jeff, and he slowly melted into thin air. Shadow-Jeff had died.

Tom: (Gaspar voice) But Shadows don't die!

Jeff quickly put the flashlight back in his backpack. He continued toward the door, and went straight for the Mammon Machine room.


Arielle was lying on the floor, breathless. The gargoyles had finally left after a few hours. She felt disgusted with herself but strange enough, she liked it all.

Crow: Sorry Spy, but you overdid it so much that you desensitized us.

Mike: Yeah, you'll have to do a lot better than that, you little goober.

She got up, and found her shirt. She whiped all the sweat and stuff off her, and then put her bra back on. She put her panties and jeans back on, and loaded her wondershot.

Crow: Uh, Mike? You okay there?

Tom: Yeah, you look a little pale.

Mike: Just give me a minute...

She took off in a sprint, but almost fell down. Her legs were weak. So, she still managed to run, but not without frequent stops. She found the group of gargoyles that had taken her, and blew them to smithereens.

Tom: One might be inclined to think that she already- Oh! With the gun! Gotcha.

She then sprinted towards the mammon machine room.


Scott, Magus, and schala were battling Zeal.

Crow: (Announcer voice) On the next exciting episode of "Family Feud!" Tonight at nine, on KZAL 16, your source for boring local news that even the mayor doesn't give a shit about.

Tom: Venting a little, are we?

Crow: Well you know, it just bugs me...

Scott shot several blasts of Jade Buster at the left hand, and would have bee quickly swatted away, if not for his shields.

Crow: I mean, they'll spend five minutes on a segment about a dog show, ten minutes on high school football, and maybe two minutes on national news that actually affects people. What the hell is up with that?

Schala took on the right hand, doing some sort of mini-confuse with her dagger.

Tom: I think it's mainly aimed at senior citzens who get up a six a.m., when the majority of it is on, and who also have grandkids on the football teams.

Crow: Maybe, but have you also noticed the discrepency in the amount of time the local crap gets? The kid who beat 5,000 others in the county spelling bee gets a thirty second blurb, while they'll do a four part investigative series about a porno store that's within three miles of the new elementary school.

Mike: Uh, guys, do you think maybe we should pay attention to the story?

Crow: I don't think we're missing anything.

Tom: Yeah, it's almost like he stopped trying at all, except in the shock-value segments.

Mike: Oh, come on! That "Schala took on the right hand" phrase up there was loaded with comedic potential!

Tom: Ah, I don't think so, actually. About all you can do with it is connect it to "Must be Greven's right hand!", followed by a Beavis and Butthead laugh.

Crow: Yeah, he's right Mike. I declare that from now until the end of the story, we just talk about whatever we want to!

Tom: Fabulous.

Mike: Yeah, I guess I can get on board with that.

Crow: "Get on board with that?" Mike, I don't think you can get away with such a slangy phrase.

Mike: Slangy? Come on, I don't think it's very slangy. On the slangy scale, it'd be like three out of ten.

Tom: Three out of ten? Where are you pulling that from? No, no. "Get on board with that" is at least six out of ten. It can go up to eight if a Mexican guy says it.

Crow: Yeah, he's right Mike. In fact, if the Frito Bandito came out of retirement to say it, it'd shoot up to a straight ten out of ten. Slang-a-licious.

Mike: I give up.

She was also swatted at, and she lost consiousness. Scott's shield's soon ran out, and he joined Schala. Magus, however, was taking on the mask. He tried Dark Bomb, but instead, a bull came,

Mike: It really just doesn't stop, does it?

and blasted a fire/ice/lightning three way attack, which hurt zeal. Magus tried out black hole, but this time, 13 knights came,

Crow: Sounds like Lady Godiva was visiting the knights' quarters.

Tom: Boo yah! K.O.ed with one hit! Eat that, story.

Mike: "Boo yah!"? You can't get away with "boo yah!"

Tom: You're right Mike. I'm sorry.

Mike: Well, thanks, I-

Tom: That you're so anal retentive! Uweeheeheehee!

Mike: Argh. Fine, have it your way, Kefka.

and beat the crap out of zeal.

"woah" Was all that Magus could say.

Mike: I hear that in the "Sword of Zeal" movie, Keanu Reeves is getting the role of Magus.

Crow: Well there's a movie that won't last 78 minutes in the theater, before coming straight to us.

The four of them reappeared in the mammon machine room, and Zeal collapsed.

Tom: Okay, you know what else bugs me?

Crow: Whuzzat?

Mike: And you thought I was too slangy.

Tom: People who don't use their blinkers.

Crow: Oh, no kidding! Preach to the choir, brother!

Mike: Where the hell have you two been where people not using their blinkers would be trouble?

Tom: Shhhh! You'll be ready to pull out of a parking lot, some guy will be doing ten miles over the speed limit, then slow down at the last second, and whip in beside you, without ever touching the blinker.

Crow: Oh, it's even worse when they're changing lanes! You'll leave maybe two carlengths in front of you while you're doing eighty, because you don't want to have your internal organs splattered all over the trunk of the guy in front of you, and some dickweed will pull into the space, leaving approximately two air molecules between your bumper and his, without ever touching the blinker!

Mike: You don't have internal organs. Neither of you have ever driven anywhere. What are you talking about?

Tom: Yeesh, calm down Mike. All this stress can't be good for you.

Then, Chris walked out from behind the mamon machine.



Rich and the metal-rich battle back and forth. Metal-rich shot a lazer, but Rich blocked it with his shield.

Crow: *Yawn* Man, I hope this story ends soon. I need a nap.

He then pulled the hilt off of the sword, pulled a pin, and lobbed it towards metal-rich. It exploded, and metal-rich metled from the heat. Metal-Rich had died. Rich ran away from the puddle of metal, and sprinted toward the Mammon machine room.

Mike: Convenient how they all know exactly where it is.

Crow: Puddle of metal... That must be what Puddle of Mudd will change their name to after one of them dies of a crack overdose, and they get a guy from Foo Fighters, who was himself a guy from Nirvana, to replace him.

Mike: That's a bit of a stretch.

Crow: Me? Who was the one talking about people who don't use blinkers, when he's been trapped in space for five years?

Mike: That was you!

Crow: Oh.


Crono pounced at his dad, who parried the blow with his own sword.

Tom: Okay, that wasn't even ambiguously gay. That was just gay.

Crono realized that his dad is also a good swordsman. He attacked with a left slash, right slash, and even low blows,

Crow: Crap, he is doing a lot better.

but he always knew which way Crono was going to attack. Suddenly, crono's dad slashed him across the face. The wound started on his left forehead went down, across his upper nose, and ended on his upper right cheek. Crono fell to the ground, and put his hand on his wound. When he looked at the hand a second later, it was covered in blood.

Mike: (Crono voice) I've been teleported into the opening movie of Final Fantasy 8!

Crono jumped up and yelled. He held his sword up, and hit the omnislash on his dad. After about two hits, daddieo's sword shattered, and he was slashed up. Crono spat on his dad's body, dead on the ground, the pool of cold blood getting bigger and bigger. He left the throne room, and walked to the Mammon Machine room.

Tom: (Crono voice) Ah, nothin' like a little patricide to ease the tension...


Devon walked in the mammon machine room. Everyone was there. Zeal's body was on the floor. Devon looked at everyone. From Scott, in his big falcon suit, crono, who looked like he had a tough time, to Arielle who wasn't wearing a top, he could tell that this adventure had taken it's toll.

Mike: Finally, he says something we can all agree with.

But, suddenly, Chris appeared.

"chris..." Devon looked at him.

Tom: (Devon voice) Wait a second... You're not my former best friend! Oh, crap! My plan to kill my mortal enemy and rescue my brainwashed friend has hit a serious snag...

"let's get 'im!!!" Scott rushed forward, but Devon stooped him.

"Lemme do this by myself." Devon cracked his knuckles,

Crow: In response, Knuckles knocked Devon's teeth out.

Tom: Woo hoo!

and chris took out his revolver.

Mike: A revolver? What is this?! Intense combat of the 1920s? He could have at least gone for a gatling gun, or something.

He fired several shots, and surprisingly, Devon blocked them with his Platinum Knuckles. He then retaliated with a Ice level three spell. The glacier-sized ice rode over Chris, doing little damage.

Crow: Yes, because Chris had experience being ridden by large objects.

Mike: Nice try, but it'll take more than that.

Chris quickly put his arm to his side, his finger jutting out.

Tom: I think we all know which finger it is.

He then moved his arm in a half-sunrise motion,

Mike: What the hell?

Tom: How do you halfway have a sunrise? During an eclispe?

until his finger pointed up to the sky. He leveled his finger to Devon's chest, and rapidly fired purple beams at him.

Devon jumped, ran, and ducked, the beams nearly missing.

Crow: So if they nearly missed, then they hit him!

Devon jumped behind a large machine in the room, and started to throw fireball spells, arching over it,

Mike: Large "machines", fireballs, and lots of arching. Jesus.

and landing near chris. Chris shielded himself with his cape, and the fireballs exploded on the side of it.

Tom: Good God.

Crow: I'm trying to scream, but no sound is coming out.

Chris took out his revolver, and inserted special red bullets into it. He peeked around the corner, and fired flame bullets at devon. Devon was hit in the upper left shoulder. He quickly patted his shoulder down to get rid of the flames, and ran around the machine again. He charged up a blue ball


Mike: Ah, there it is.

of energy in his hand, turned, and blasted chris with it. There was a big explosion, and the machine had turned to a big pile of rubble. After 30 seconds of silence, however, The rubble started to shake.

Chris burst out of the rubble, two rings of machine parts floating around him.

Tom: First Zarbon, now Piccolo. When does Frieza get a cameo?

Then, as chris held out his hand, the parts lined up, and flew at Devon. He managed to dodge them all, but was nailed in the forehead by one of them.

Mike: Kind of negating the "managed to dodge them all" portion.

He went flying back, into the far wall.

"That had to hurt... and it did." Devon groggily mumbled to himself. He got up, holding his head. Arielle, and scott ran over to help him up. Devon looked at the topless Arielle. "I'm seeing triple, so I'm in heaven."

Crow: (Scott voice) I really hope you actually died and went to heaven just now, because I don't want to be friends with a guy who likes six-breasted women.

Devon quickly shook the attack off, and charged energy for the attack he pulled on David. He fired, and there was a big explosion, even bigger than last time. The Neo-Palace shook, under the water, and cracked in half...

Tom: Palaces and crack just don't mix.

Mike: That's warning number... I don't know... 70 zillion for you.

Tom: Okay.


Rich gasped for air when he reached the surface. He swam towards a small island, and found Arielle and Jeff alone there.

"Hey, guys" He greeted them. Soon after, Icy, Magus, and Schala joined them. They chatted, not being able to do a thing about rescuing their friends.

Crow: How about using some air magic to create a bubble underwater and... Oh, who cares?

Then, scott blasted out of the water, with his jets, holding Crono.

Tom: (Announcer voice) Here at the halftime, the Jets are leading Crono by 17-2. Crono has only managed to score a safety, of all things, and unless he receives some divine intervention in the second half, this game is not looking good!

They looked around, and saw the gang on a small island. He landed there, and awaited tha arrival of Devon...


Part 5

Chrono Trigger Fanfic