"In the not too distant future,
Way down in Deep 13,
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank,
Were hatching an evil scheme.
"They hired a temp by the name of Mike.
Just a regular Joe they didn't like.
Their experiment needed a good test case,
So they conked him on the noggin'
And they shot him into space!"
Mike: Let... me... goooo!!
Dr. F: We'll send him cheesy stories!
TV's Frank: The worst, we can find!
Both: La! La! La!
"He'll have to sit and read them all,
While we monitor his mind!
"La! La! La!
"Now keep in mind,
Mike can't control,
When the stories begin or end.
"La! La! La!
"He'll try to keep,
His sanity,
With the help of his robot friends!
"Robot Roll Call!
Cambot!
Gypsy!
Tom Servo!
Croooooow!
"If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts...
"La! La! La!
"Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a fic,
I should really just relax."
For Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000!
.
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)
(As the Satellite of Love bridge comes into view, we can see Tom Servo and Crow sitting in the middle of a pile of food, devouring everything in the pile. Mike walks onto the bridge.)
Mike: Oooooookay. You guys want to tell me why you're having your own last supper?
Tom: Well, it's quite simple Mike.
Mike: Lord save us.
Crow: After playing Final Fantasy 9, we're eating every type of food we can come across to see what kind of blue magic it will give us.
Mike: Uh, you do know that magic doesn't actually exist, right?
Crow: Sure Mike. Hey Servo, can you pass me the limes and mayonaisse?
Tom: Sure, if I can try some of your peppered grapefruit.
Mike: Have you met with any success yet?
Tom: Well technically no, but maybe our food just needs to be weaker.
Crow: Yeah! (Crow punches a lemon, and the juice squirts into Mike's face. Mike squints.)
Mike: Wonderful. You know, you've used up our food supply for the whole week.
Tom: Yeah, but it'll be worth it! Somewhere in this pile is a spell that will teleport us back to Earth! Let's see... this habanero chili dog should be interesting! (Tom begins munching on the dog.)
Mike: Tom, are you really sure that's a wise idea?
Tom: Foh fur! (He finishes eating.) Hoo boy! Yeah, I can definitely feel something happening with this one! (They sit in a silence for a moment as a rumbling sound comes from Tom.) Whoah! Uh-oh...
Mike: What is it?
Tom: I think that chili dog cast some sort of Haste spell on my bowels! (Tom rushes off screen.)
Mike: Oh, that's gonna be pleasant. (He turns to look at Crow, who is eating an ice cream cone full of mustard.) Why are you still eating? (Crow shrugs. The red light begins to flash.) Oh, Zemus and Golbez are calling. (He hits the light.)
.
(The camera, which is a little too close, is focused on Dr. Forrester's nose. As the shot pans back, Frank is revealed to be standing just behind him, his usual, vaguely disturbing grin on his face.)
Dr. Forrester: Well Mike, we've got a real treat for you this week. I kept a record of experiment #101, and recently, I mailed it off to The Spy for his consideration.
(Back on the SoL, Cambot gets a reaction shot from Mike and Crow. They just stand completely still, their jaws hanging open.)
Dr. Forrester: After reading my report, he decided to rewrite the end of the story for you to read, since you had obviously enjoyed the first parts so much. (Cambot doesn't cut back this time, but screams can be heard from the other end of the line.)
Frank: The little goober also sent an autobiography! That's your sh- (Frank is cut off as Dr. Forrester smacks him in the face.)
Dr. Forrester: Before the main story this week is a short entitled "Story of The Spy." Now, while Frank and I get the Gay-dar up and running for our own self defense, how about making with the invention exchange?
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(Back on the SoL, Mike slowly forces his jaw closed, and sighs deeply.)
Mike: All right. My invention this week is called the Contrail console!
Crow: It'll put together an RPG, with a great story, lots of character development, fantastic play mechanics, and the best music in the history of the world!
Mike: Then the RPG will be completely ignored by the gaming community at large, because it doesn't have a Square label on it.
.
Dr. Forrester: (Who is now dressed in a contamination suit) Well, Nelson Mandela, your inventions always seem to have some whiny social commentary to go along with them. You need to follow our example, and invent something just because it's fun!
Frank: Our invention this week is the '80s Exciter!
Dr. Forrester: It takes crappy songs from the '80s, makes them sound even worse, and then sells them to crappy bands who aren't capable of generating their own music.
Frank: We've already sold prototypes to Limp Bizkit and Reel Big Fish!
.
(Back on the SoL, Crow is listening to a Cindi Lauper remix while eating cashews and ranch dressing.)
Crow: Ugh... Mike, I don't think this music and this food like each other much. (Mike buries his head in his hands. All the lights flash, and the bridge begins to shake.)
Mike: Augh... Mercifully, we've got story sign.
(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike and Crow walk into the theater. Mike and Crow sit down, looking up at the screen. Tom hurries in a second later.)
December 5th, 1998
Tom: Sorry about that guys. Good thing that Haste spell wore off quickly... Did I miss anything?
Mike: It's better that you don't know.
"Icybrian's Chrono Trigger page, eh? Seems like he has a lot of fanfic... I'm gonna add a story! What should I call myself.... The Spy!!!" Devon typed frantically on the computer. His twin Brother, Jeremy (which is MH-001) sat on the couch, playing
Crow: With himself.
FFT.
Mike: Ah, the age old "my twin brother did it" excuse.
"You’re so lame, Dev." He said while playing the game. "I mean, who the hell would name themselves "The Spy" ?" Before Devon could respond, the doorbell rang. He rushed to get it, while Jeremy rolled his eyes at his twin's stupidity.
Tom: They missed his stupidity, and ended up under the VCR.
"Hey Scott!" Jeremy's eyes widened. He forgot his brother was having two of his geeky friends over for a sleepover. As Jeremy cursed to himself, he heard a window shatter in the living room. He ran out to assess the situation.
Crow: (Jeremy voice) Oh crap! The Laker fans have found us!
“What the hell…” Jeremy eyed the broken glass, the figure of Richard, another gay fag
Tom: So, Rich is straight?
in his class, and the broken balloons.
Mike: Wait a second... Balloons don't break, they pop...
Crow: But another, remarkably balloon-like product, does break...
All: Aaaaaauuuggggghhhhhh!!!
“What ARE you doing???”
“Well…” Rich began, “I was gonna ambush them with water balloons through the window, but as I jumped through the glass, all my balloons popped.”
Tom: (Rich voice) Also, this jagged piece of glass seems to have severed my aorta...
Jeremy looked at him with a mixed look of pity and anger.
“Were you dropped as a child, or something, Rich?” Jeremy asked sarcastically.
Crow: (Rich voice) No, but they say a toilet plunger was involved in my birth...
“This’ll make a kick-ass start for my story!” Devon exclaimed.
All: Don't you mean kick-ASS?
Scott and Rich quickly enquired about the story Devon was talking about, while Jeremy quickly rolled his eyes and went back downstairs to continue playing
Crow: With himself.
FFT. A few minutes later, the geek squad
Mike: The cast of "Daddio?"
came down into the Rec Room, and told Jeremy to get off the TV, so they could play
Crow: With each other.
Mike: Crow... Actually, it hasn't gotten old yet. Keep up the good work.
some SNES.
“What? If you think I’m gonna get off for three little goons like you, you’re outta your mind.” Jeremy waved them off with his hand. But, they didn’t leave.
Tom: They were mesmerized by how he had "gotten off" by just waving his hand.
They continued to bug Jeremy to get off. After 15 minutes of whining torture, Jeremy surpressed the urge not to kill their little asses, and let them on.
Crow: He had plans for their little asses. Big plans. Or at least semi-medium.
Jeremy walked over to the family computer, and flicked the switch on.
Tom: (Switch voice) Ohhhhhhh yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhh... Do that again, big guy!
“You can work on my story a bit, if you’d like.” Devon said. Jeremy looked back at him. He was having problems with the SNES. Suddenly, Scott kicked the TV. It fell off the stand and smashed Devon’s SNES. Jeremy laughed.
Mike: (Jeremy voice) Ha! You just wrecked my SNES! Wait a second...
“Why do you want me to work on your piece of crap story? I….” Jeremy thought of the possibilities. Hmmm… He thought, I could screw it up for him, so that he would NEVER get on the page!
Crow: Little did he know that the fanfic review committee was smoking a lot of crack right then...
“Uh… okay, I’ll write a bit.” But, Jeremy didn’t write. He read. Jeremy picked many authors to read from first. Hehehehe He thought, I’ll rip off every damn writer on this page. That should get everyone angry at him. After about 3 or 4 hours of skimming stories, Jeremy began typing under his Brother’s name, The Spy.
Mike: So, he IS The Spy.
Tom: I think that's what he's trying to tell us, anyway...
.
April 30th, 1999
“Yeah, well, that kicks ass!” Amanda, Jeremy’s best friend said as they walked home from school.
Mike: (Jeremy voice) Uh... What does?
Tom: (Amanda voice) I... don't know. Just thought I'd spew out a few random words.
“Yeah… well, I’ve gotta go. See ya later, Amanda!” Jeremy waved bye to his friend, and walked across the lawn to his house.
Mike: Somehow, he managed to step in 27 pieces of dog doo on his way.
He opened the door, and went down to the Rec room. Devon was typing away at his newest part to his story, which he had named “The Sword of Zeal”
Crow: (Devon voice) Man, I wish Queen Zeal had a "sword..."
Jeremy was amazed that Devon had gotten his story on the page, even though he had screwed it up royally. Devon left his seat, and walked out of the room. Jeremy quickly rushed over, and scanned the two chapters Devon had been working on.
Tom: (Jeremy voice) "Cherry dropped her bra. Rock had never seen such a beautiful pair of boobs..."
“Well, let’s see here… what can I screw up here?” Jeremy quickly began typing, deleting words and phrases, and replacing them with one’s he remembered from the other author’s stories, or just plain stupid ones. “Hehehehe… he’s gonna get it…”
? * * *
May 2nd, 1999
“And then, I screwed up his stories!!!” Jeremy finished. The crowd of people began laughing, and pointing at Devon.
Mike: Your writing is less than satisfactory! Ha ha!
Instead of their being two social groups, the skids and studs,
Crow: So, their social groups are named after heavily used underwear, and the people who took it off?
like every normal school, there was two groups, but both held at the exact same level of coolness by the higher power,
Mike: The fact that they were mammals.
the teens at the local High School. So, the two groups were always fighting, whenever they possibly could, so that they could be the most popular in the eyes of the older kids. Jeremy was in one group, while Devon was in the other.
Tom: So which one is the evil twin?
“As soon as we tell the High school kids, we should get on up on that group of gay queers!” Someone yelled from the group.
All: Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
“YEAH!!!” Someone else yelled. A chant began of “YEAH! YEAH! YEAH” throughout the crowd, but was quickly silenced as a third group of people were at the fence of the schoolyard, waving both groups over. It was the popular group from the High School.
“Listen,” The leader began, “We need a group of people to welcome, and a group of people to pick on.” He lighted up a cigarette. “When you graduates turn into Niners, this will have been decided.” He tapped the ash off his cigarette. “From now until the end of the year, you will partake in a war, of sorts. You will try to humiliate, piss off, and kick each other’s asses.
Crow: (Dorky kid voice) Can we piss on each other's asses?
Why? You see, the skills to tease skids are natural in people like us, but since you have no skid group yet, you will need to make due with yourselves. Everything will be logged, and reported. The winner will join us, and the loser will be the skids of this grade.” He dropped the cigarette, and crushed it beneath his feet. “Don’t fail, because if you do, we will put the losing team through hell next year.” The group walked off.
Mike: So the "in" thing with high schoolers in Canada is cartoon super-villainy?
Tom: Looks that way.
“Are you crazy?” A girl asked the cigarette smoking man.
“No, I just want these little punks to give us a good show! They have no idea how stupid they’ll look!!”
.
May 19th, 1999
Dear Journal
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, meet Doug Funnie's illegitamite cousin.
I have been screwing up my brother’s stories and logging it in the battle for popularity book. I don’t know why I’m doing this, maybe it’s to help my friends achieve their
Crow: Ah.... I better not.
dreams. I can’t believe what some would do for acceptance. I can’t believe what I’M doing for acceptance.
At this very moment, Devon is typing another chapter that I have to sabotage. I’ll see you later journal.
~Jeremy Del Vecchio
Tom: (Mobster-ish Jeremy voice) Hey, I'm Italian! Like da Godfatha'!
Jeremy closed the book, and headed to the computer room. Devon looked at him with unrest, considering that they are in a war against each other. “I’m going on the computer.” Jeremy quietly said. Devon got out of the chair and left the room.
Crow: (Extremely gay Devon voice) Sniff... Did you ever think that maybe I wanted to use the computer? No, you never think about my needs...
Jeremy sat in the chair, and went into the family e-mail, Delvecchio@etown.net, where Devon worked on his story. Before Jeremy could get to the newest chapters, though, an E-mail from a person named “Black” came in.
Mike: He wanted to know if Jeremy was interested in the million man march.
It basically said that his story sucked ass. Jeremy smirked, and made a mental note to record this email in the log. He then went to work screwing up the latest parts of the story.
? * * *
June 19th, 1999
Devon was about to enter his first Icy chat.
Tom: He had drunk an entire gallon of antifreeze to prepare.
He was excited, to speak with his fellow authors for the first time, but as Devon was about to enter, his mom called out.
“Come on, Devon, it’s time to go!” Devon swore to himself as he forgot his appointment.
Mike: Now see, here the author has used a masterful tension building device. He's left us wondering, what kind of appointment was it?
He got up, not even bothering to shut down the computer, because he was in a hurry. A few minutes later, Jeremy stumbled upon the Rec room and the open mIRC window.
Tom: The window broke, and Jeremy was out a few hundred bucks.
He remembered that Icy was making his chat public. But instead of logging on as The_Spy, he joined #icybrian as MH-001, because
Crow: He was a complete and utter nimrod.
of the war the two social groups were in. (The group he was in, everyone was assigned names/numbers for the walkie talkies they got, for the big plan they were going to pull tomorrow night, graduation night. Jeremy’s number was MH-001.)
But when Jeremy began chatting with the regulars, he realized that everyone hated The Spy’s work! Excellent! He thought, I have proof for the log! But, Then, Amanda came into the room.
“Hey, Jeremy.” Jeremy quickly closed the chat window.
Mike: (Jeremy voice) Oh god! Can't let her see that I'm a computer geek! Can't let her see that...
“Hi, Amanda, what’s up?” Jeremy asked.
“Whatcha doing on the computer?” Amanda went on her tip toes to try and see over Jeremy’s shoulder.
“Nothing, nothing at all!”
Tom: (Jeremy voice) I'm wasn't masquerading as a 22 year old black woman in the lesbian chat room again! Really!
Jeremy quickly shut down the computer. While he was doing so, though, Amanda was locking the door.
Crow: (Amanda voice) I have ways of making you talk, geek boy.
“Well…. Are we still going to the grad together?” Amanda sat down on the couch and asked. Jeremy sat beside her.
“Well, yeah… I wouldn’t want to go with anyone else…” Jeremy got up from the couch, but as he was about to take a step, Amanda grabbed him and pulled him back down on top of her, her tongue darting into his mouth as they kissed.
Tom: Please let her be an alien who's laying eggs in his chest...
They rolled onto the floor.
Crow: (Amanda voice) Oh god, what the hell did I just roll over? It smells like it's been dead for a while...
I’ll stop now for the sake of younger readers : )
Mike: Bad decision. He's alienating the only group of readers who might have actually believed this story...
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