Sorceress and Knight Chapter 9


By Tsarmina

"Well, first I'll have to get rid of the bummer clone…" Selphie said. She turned to the bound and gagged version of herself and frowned a little. "I look soooo sad!" she complained. "Cheer up, super cool self!" She hopped a little from foot to foot before she waved her hand and clone to disappeared, leaving the rope and gag to fall uselessly to the ground.

"Wow… That's good, ya know? Now there's only one," Raijin signed with much relief.

"Shhh! She'll hear you!" Rinoa hissed.

"I doubt that. She seems much more preoccupied," Quistis snapped.

"And now I shall tell you all about how I’m going to take control of this super puny world!" Selphie declared. She paused, trying to make the moment more dramatic. "Twit!!!" she shrieked, much to the surprise of all assembled.

"That's your plan?" Irvine asked. "I've gotta say, Sephie…that's pretty lame."

"Don't call me 'Sephie', twit," Selphie growled. Well, the person they thought was Selphie, at any rate. She started moving in a bizarre way—a jerky step forward, then a jerky step backwards.

"Bummer Zell! Get over here!" she shrieked, arms thrashing wildly. "Where are you, you bummer you???"

"I think she's gone insane, ya know," Raijin commented.

"YOU THINK?" Fujin snapped.

"Is it the sorceress?" Irvine asked.

"It sounds like her sometimes, though," Rinoa said thoughtfully. "I doubt Astatine would say 'super' and all that."

"Selphie? You there?" Irvine asked.

"Mwahahahahaha!" Selphie cackled. "I am the great and powerful Sorceress Astatine! Grovel at my feet, you twits!" She motioned to the ground.

"I might have done that… But you being in Selphie's body just makes my skin crawl. I'll never bow to her," Quistis replied snidely.

"Damn! How did I know it was a mistake to posses her body? Mindless twit doesn't even get respect from her friends," Astatine complained.

"Wait! Selphie has friends???" Seifer coughed.

"As far as I know she doesn't." Irvine shrugged. "Astatine just must be confused about the matter."

Astatine stared at Irvine. "Wait… You're not the twit's friends? She keeps screaming 'They're super duper my friends! The bummers are just trying to trick you'. This true, twits?" Astatine pursed her (well, Selphie's) lips.

"She is delusional, you realize," Seifer snorted.

"Do you really think she would have any friend?" Rinoa pointed out.

"I almost feel sorry for her… Almost. Raijin and Fujin even have friends!" Quistis agreed, ignoring the protests.

"Well, I guess Selphie did have Zell… They were made for each other, right?" Rinoa continued.

"As close to friends as either of them can get," Quistis added.

Rinoa's eyes widened. "Ugh… That wasn't a good thought! I think I'm going to be incredibly sick…" she groaned.

Quistis made a face. "You're the one who started it! I didn't think into it. But of course you did, and now it's in my head as well!"

"It's not my fault! You—"

Astatine cast Silence on both of them, rolling her eyes in irritation. "Now for the rest of you… What to do, what to do…" she mused.

"You could always let us get away, right?" Irvine asked hopefully, flashing a smile that always made Selphie melt into giggles of glee.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Astatine asked suspiciously.

"I'm smiling," Irvine said encouragingly, widening his grin even more than before."

"Well, cut it out!" Astatine commanded.

"It doesn't make you want to melt into a gooey substance and swoon over me? Not at all?"


"You don't find it dashingly handsome?" Irvine asked.

"No, twit, I find it disturbingly monkey-like," Astatine groaned.

"Not even somewhat handsome?" he asked hopefully.

"It does nothing for me whatsoever," she replied icily.

"Y-you mean… It's not even attractive?" Irvine's ego was taking an awful turn for the downhill way of things.

"I'm more tempted to put you out of your misery than I am to kiss you, twit, if that's what you're asking."

If minds and hearts shattering actually sounded like glass, the sewer would have been full of the sound of millions of breaking mirrors. Irvine fell into a senseless heap on the ground near Astatine's (or Selphie's) feet.

"What a silly twit…" Astatine mused. "Who's up next, twits?"

"Oh, Squall, definitely him," Seifer offered, pushing Squall in Astatine's direction. He nodded encouragingly to her. "He won't mind a bit, will you, Squall?"

"…Whatever," Squall grumbled moodily. He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned.

"Yay! It's Squall!" Astatine giggled.

Seifer was appalled, to say the least. "It's her—Selphie!" he exclaimed with mounting disgust with the whole matter.

Selphie pouted, her lower lip sticking out. "You bummer meanie! Zell! Come here!" she commanded.

Zell, stuffing a hot dog into his mouth and attempting to swallow it, appeared at her side. "Wha—?" he attempted.

"Kill!" Selphie ordered, pointing a finger at Seifer.

Zell whimpered then started punching the air in front of him. "The moment of truth! I will crush Lap Dog before—"

"What'd you call me, Chicken Wuss?" Seifer growled, Hyperion in his hand in a second.

Zell hurled a punch at Seifer, missing the other man completely. He turned and ran down the hall, wailing at the top of his lungs. Seifer followed, Hyperion held ahead of him. "Get back here, Chicken Wuss, and I'll show you who's a 'Lap Dog'!" he roared.

Selphie blinked, staring at the others. "Bummer! Oh, well, I'll just… Super duper challenged you to a duel!" she shouted, pointing at Rinoa. "Your magic against mine!"

Rinoa pointed at her mouth and mouthed the words "I can't talk, idiot!"

"Oh, don't give me that bummer routine!" Selphie pouted.

"I can't talk, though," Rinoa mouthed.

"That's just a bummer excuse!" Selphie whined.

"It is not," Rinoa mouthed.

Selphie sighed dramatically. "Fine…" She handed Rinoa an Echo Screen. "Now what's your bummer excuse?"

"…What happened to Astatine?" Rinoa asked instead. "At least she was sane…"

"Hey!" Selphie protested. She cast Firaga and a fireball flew past Rinoa's head. It hit Irvine instead, who continued to lay motionless on the ground.

"That almost hit my hair!" Rinoa exclaimed, distressed. "How dare you! Don't you realize how sacred hair is to a girl!?!?" She obviously had failed to remember that Selphie had no real sense in terms of hair style. She cast Thundaga.

Irvine, slightly singed from the previous spell, was the one hit with Thundaga. He jerked away with a yelp at the jolt.

"Sorry, Irvine, but I was aiming for Selphie," Rinoa apologized.

"Selphie? Where?" Irvine demanded.

"Right here, Irvy!" Selphie giggled happily. "But I have to deal with bummer Rinoa before we can have a touch—"

Rinoa cast Fire, managing to hit next to Selphie and stop whatever words were going to come out. "Do not say things like that! I'm never going to get that out of my head!"

"You bummer meanie!" Selphie cried. "Let's take this where Irvine and Laguna won't get hurt!" The two sorceresses disappeared.

"Thank you whatever god or goddess did that for me!" Irvine exclaimed, staring up.


Zell was cornered and well aware of the fact. Seifer had chased him into a dead end of the sewers. But, so as not to go down without a fight, he quickly spun on heel with a mischievous gleam in his eyes.

This all gave Seifer plenty of warning and he was ready when Zell "suddenly" punched at him. Seifer hit Zell on the back of the head with the flat of his gunblade.

"Ow!" Zell yelped. "That wasn't nice!" He rubbed the back of his head, pouting (a frightening sight, mind you).

"It was supposed to not be nice," Seifer growled.

"Why are you always picking on me!?! Arch-enemies are supposed to be evil, not pick on you like everyone else!" Zell whined.

"Wait… Who's your arch-enemy?" Seifer demanded, genuinely confused: it was the first he had heard of the whole matter. "I never knew you had an arch-enemy!"

"You're my arch-enemy!" Zell exclaimed, also confused. "Didn't you know that?!"

Seifer started laughing. "I'm not your arch-enemy! I'm Squall's!"

"B-but… why are you always picking on me, then?" Zell whimpered.

Seifer snorted. "That's not an 'arch-enemy'—that's called a bully. I'm a bully when it comes to you, Chicken Wuss. Notice I give Squall a lot more respect than I give you—not much, but enough to give Squall the status of 'arch-enemy' while you're just someone I push around and torment. Got it?"

Zell whimpered even more. "B-but…"

"I would never stoop so low as to have you be my arch-enemy—Squall is low enough," Seifer growled.

"Th-then, you know, that meant nothing to you?" Zell asked plaintively.

"What the hell are you talking about??" Seifer demanded, disturbed.

"You know…that," Zell insisted.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Seifer exclaimed, wondering what was wrong with the other man (well, other than the obvious problems).

"That swirly you gave me!" Zell burst out. "You wouldn't just do that to anybody you like to bully around, would you?? That's something you'd do to an arch-enemy, right?!"

Seifer stared blankly at him and let the words sink in. "You're right. I wouldn't do that to just anyone I was pushing around…" he agreed.

"I knew it! I am—"

"Wait," Seifer interrupted, holding his hand up. "You see… You're a special case, Chicken Wuss. I never give swirlies to just anyone—I give them to you. But that's only because you're the only loser worth wasting the effort on—"

"—because I'm your—"

"NO! It's because you're the biggest loser in all of Balamb Garden, so of course you get special treatment!" Seifer declared, pushing Zell into the stream of sewage water.


Selphie and Rinoa materialized in the middle of a street, both a little disoriented. "Yay! It super duper worked!" Selphie exclaimed excitedly, throwing her arms up.

"H-hey!" Rinoa protested.

"Wha~at?" Selphie asked.

"Our feet!" Rinoa exclaimed, pointing down.

Selphie looked down. For some reason or another, their feet were stuck in the street. "That can't be super normal!" she noted.

"Of course it's not normal, you idiot!" Rinoa shrieked. She waved her finger, attempted to get herself out of her mess. Instead, a nearby tree was uprooted. "Damn, damn, damn!" Rinoa exploded.

"Need help?" Selphie asked smugly. She managed to pull a wrought-iron fence right from the ground. "Bummer!"

Rinoa tried again—this time, Selphie was removed from the ground. "Stupid faulty finger!" Rinoa cursed.

"I'll get you super out of there!" Selphie declared smoothly. A second later she was back in the road. "Oh, bummer!"


Irvine, supporting Laguna, led the way through the sewers. Squall, Quistis, Fujin, and Raijin all followed him.

"You think my smile is handsome, don't you?" he asked Laguna, flashing his smile as winningly as possible.

"Oh, yes, very handsome," Laguna agreed. "The girls all go for me because I'm so handsome and cool!"

"Hey, wait, I'm the handsome one!" Irvine protested.

"No you aren't."

"I am. I'm the ladies man!"


Irvine was getting fed up of a crazy man getting the better of him. "Do you want me to feed you to Selphie?!" Irvine growled. It had the wanted effect: Laguna collapsed and huddled into a fetal position, screaming "Not her!!!" over and over.

"Irvine, what did you do to him?" Quistis demanded, hands on hips.

Irvine frowned, trying to look innocent. "He started it!"

"He's insane!" Quistis exclaimed.


"Augh! You're insane as well!"

"What's your point?" Irvine asked.

"You're all insane! Every last one of you! You never speak," she pointed accusingly at Squall, who was, of course, not paying even the slightest bit of attention. "You two must have brain tumors with those speech patterns of yours!" She pointed at Fujin and Raijin, who were arguing with the said speech problems. "You're just nuts!" She pointed and Laguna, who was currently shrieking "Get her off me!" and holding his head in his hands. "And you are a narcissistic moron!" she pushed at Irvine, the only one actually paying her any attention.

Irvine frowned. "I still don't see your point."


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